Blog Thirty Two: Distance
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Paano mag-move on kung:
One, hindi naman kayo.
Two, walang something sa inyo—ikaw may something ka sa kanya, pero siya ay walang something sa’yo.
Three, wala kayong connection talaga. Nagkakaroon lang kapag minamanipula mo ang pagkakataon o kaya pinepeste ang tadhana.
Four, wala ka lang sa kanya.
Malamang sasabihin ng iba eh tanga lang dahil may pa-move on move on pang nalalaman eh tingnan nga ‘yung mga points doon sa taas at kung titingnang mabuti eh very logical naman ang points, wala namang dapat ipag-move on, right?
No. Anong tanga lang eh kapag ba pakiramdam o nararamdaman na ang pinag-uusapan, may kinalaman pa ba ang logic diyan?
Excuse me lang, pero wala. Wala nang kinalaman pa ang logic as far as feelings are concerened. Pero siyempre, para sa akin lang naman iyon at I’m just applying this to my own feelings. Kanya-kanyang peg naman ‘yan, and in my case. I have to move on.
I have to move on—no matter how and if people would point out those items one to four sa pagmumukha ko.
Right. I. Have. To. Move. On.
So… paano?
Ewan ko.
Kaya nga nagtatanong ako, right? At sinong tinatanong ko? Sarili ko, malamang. Eh sinasagot ba naman ako ng sarili ko? Malamang hindi. Malay ba kasi ng sarili ko kung paano mag-move on eh never ko pa namang nagawa iyon since time immemorial?
A realization hit me upon thinking of how to move on.
Kaya pala.
Kaya pala hindi ko matapos-tapos iyon.
‘Yung isinulat kong novel in the form of blog noong summer, hindi ko natapos. Noong isinulat ko iyon, I based most of the characters and situations sa mga kakilala ko at sa mga nangyari sa akin or sa kanila, but I wrote it in a fictitious manner. Kinulayan ko, dinagdagan ng imbento, binawasan ng details, at nilagyan ng maraming mabubulaklak na salita at pangyayari.
Each blog I wrote has an unfinished business. Walang exact ending. Walang closure. And even after the last blog, I didn’t even write the epilogue. I’ve written an impasse.
I dunno. Siguro kasi hindi ko alam kung paano tapusin iyon? Sabi nila, most writers find if hard to start a story. Kumbaga eh may maisip mang story, mahirap siyang simulan. It’s like staring in a piece of blank paper na alam mo kung anong gusto mong isulat, pero hindi mo alam kung paano at saan ka magsisimula. Madalas daw iyon ang pinagdadaanan ng ibang writers. True enough, ganoon din ako. Pero what I find the hardest is kung paano tatapusin ang kuwento.
Maybe that is why each of those blogs doesn’t have an epilogue.
Pero puwede ring wala talagang closure.
O puwede ring… iyon talaga ang closure.
I dunno. Ang gulo nga ng salitang closure eh. Sabi ng iba, all things must have an epilogue. Kapag walang epilogue, ibig sabihin eh hindi pa tapos ang kuwento. Pero sabi naman ng iba, sometimes, not having a closure is the epilogue.
So possible ngang each of those blogs has their own closure already.
Pero possible rin namang kaya hindi ko mabigyan ng closure ang bawat isang blog na iyon ay dahil it is the biggest challenge for me as a writer—ang gumawa ng closure or epilogue.
Maybe not only as a writer…
… but also as a person.
Sumandal ako sa upuan. My English class ended earlier that it usually does, pero nagpaiwan ako sa homeroom while all of my classmates made layas na. I still have a class this afternoon kaya hindi pa ako puwedeng umuwi. Masyado pa namang maaga para mag-lunch kaya I decided to just spend my time in our homeroom.
I revisited the novel slash fictional blogs na isinulat ko sa MS Word. I haven’t published them online yet kahit na meron akong sariling website for my real blogs, which I update on a regular basis. Gusto ko sanang i-publish ang novel slash fictional blogs na ginawa ko, pero medyo nagdadalawang-isip ako. Siguro saka ko na ipa-publish iyon kapag sigurado na akong iyon na talaga ang ending niyon.
I glanced outside the window. It was a warm day, pero mahangin kaya hindi ko masyadong ramdam ang init. ‘Yung puwesto ko sa inuupuan ko ay overlooking the open field kaya kitang-kita ko ang mga estudyanteng nakatambay, nagtatawanan, naghaharutan, at even ‘yung mga naglalampungan slight. Kitang-kita ko nga ang mga pinsan kong lalake na nagga-grappling sa damuhan na parang mga timang. At kitang-kita ko ang kapatid ko kasama si Kuya Boom at halatang nagtatalo tungkol sa isang online game.
From the corner of my eye, nahagilap ko si Cyber na nakaupo sa damuhan under a shady tree. At hindi lang iyon. May kasama siyang babae. It’s the same girl na nakita ko noon—si Clara Montejo.
Ang girlfriend niya.
They seemed to be engaged in a conversation. I silently observed them. Nagsasalita si Cyber, obviously. Nakikipag-usap siya kay Clara. I sighed as I remembered kung paano halos maubos ang boses ko just by trying to get him to talk to me. It just proves na he is comfortable while talking to her. It just proves na hindi nga naman talaga siya interesadong makipag-usap sa akin.
I really should move on.
May nabasa ako noon. Maraming stages ang moving on, pero there are five stages that could sum those up.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
Now, medyo hindi applicable sa situation ko, right? I mean, let’s face it. Kahit na I deserve to have a moving on process in spite of the fact na—okay, fine, balik again doon sa four points of reality ko. So hindi nga applicable sa akin ang five stages na ‘yun. Then anong applicable sa akin?
Looking back, I noted the stages I went through.
Vision. Optismism. Push-through. Truth. Resistance. Optismism Again. Reality. Hurt. Sadness.
I had a vision before at iyon ang Hashtag Best Friendship Forever namin ni Cyber. I was optimistic, so I pushed through, exterted my best effort, and gave all I could. But there’s the truth na ayaw niya. At ayaw rin ng pagkakataon o tadhana. But I resisted. I manipulated the events and tried to make a connection. I was still optimistic again. Then came reality—reality that slapped me in the face na no matter how hard I try or do my best, kung ayaw ng isang tao, wala akong magagawa. Kahit makipaglaro o manipulahin ko pa ang events or even ang tadhana, the other person is still entitled to his own choice. Kahit gusto ko at ayaw niya, the effect is null. Void. Malamang masakit, ‘di ba? Masakit, leche. Kahit na hindi naman kami involved in a romantic relationship and the even friendship is just one-sided. Masakit pa rin. Leche with Capital L. At hindi naman ako manhid para hindi malungkot. Obviously, nalungkot ako.
At nalulungkot pa rin ako.
But… I. Cannot. Be. Sad. Hashtag. Forever.
So what comes after sadness?
Acceptance.
Tanggap ko na. Tanggap ko na na no matter how hard I try to make things work out with people, kung sila mismo ang ayaw mag-work things out with you, wala ka nang magagawa. You resisted once na, but there will come a time na you should accept it. Not because you’re weak or something, but because the world doesn’t revolve around you only. Not because gusto mo, ganito ka, ganyan dapat kasi ganyan ka eh makukuha mo na at ganoon na nga talaga ang mangyayari.
It’s true na you are entitled to your own choice, pero kung ang choice mo ay involved ay isang tao, then your choice doesn’t depend on you alone. Kasama na siya. Ang choice mo at ang choice niya ay parehong mga bullet points to make the result.
Pinanuod ko sina Cyber at Clara while they were still on the open field, hanging-out and talking to each other.
Looking at them made me realized how far they were to me—literally. And that is how I came up with another stage that is applicable to my moving on process.
Distance.
‘Yung feelings ko, wala lang ito kay Cyber. So whether lumayo ako or not, it won’t matter to him. But it will matter to me.
I have to keep distance from him hanggang sa ma-divert ko ang attention ko sa ibang mga bagay. Hindi naman ito forever, because I don’t plan on using distance as the last stage of my moving on process. My feelings may or may not fade, pero siguro eh nasa determination ko na rin iyon, sa sarili kong choice—na this time eh involved lang ang sarili ko—and finally, sa kapalaran ng heart ko.
Wow lang dahil ang sentimental sagad. But I am determined. I’m still sad sagad. Pero in time, alam ko namang posibleng maglaho rin naman ‘yung sadness.
May kumatok sa pintuan ng homeroom namin kahit na alam kong nakabukas naman iyon. I looked around and saw Cirrus standing on the doorway.
“Bakit?” I asked.
He gestured to something he was holding. “Nakasalubong ko ‘yung kapatid mo. Pinabibigay niya ‘to,” he said, walking toward my seat.
I blinked. “Ano ‘yan?”
He tossed a flashdrive to me. Ang weird niya talaga! Mabuti na lang I caught it.
Tiningnan ko ang flashdrive na nasa kamay ko. Nagpabili nga pala ako kay Kuya nito para gamitin sa Belleza Journals.
“I don’t need this anymore,” sabi ko kay Cirrus.
“Huh?”
I held the flashdrive. “Ito. Hindi ko na ito kailangan. Nagpabili lang naman ako nito para gamitin sa Belleza Journals. But since I’m quitting it, hindi ko na kailangan nito.”
“Why are you quitting the org?”
I gestured outside the window kung saan merong clear view nina Cyber at Clara. “I’m distancing myself from him.”
He didn’t ask kung bakit. Instead, he asked me something else. “Kailangan ba?”
“Anong kailangan ba?”
“Do you really have to quit the org just to distance yourself from him?”
“Malamang. Palagi ko siyang makikita doon eh.”
He smirked at me. “I take it you want to distance yourself from him to forget.”
I rolled my eyes. “I won’t even ask kung paano mo nalaman iyon.”
He shrugged. “Hindi mo naman kailangang lumayo eh. Kailangan mo lang ilayo ang sarili mo.”
“Excuse me? Hindi ba’t pareho lang iyon?”
He shook his head. “No. Distancing yourself from a person doesn’t necessarily mean to literally put a space between you and that person. Distancing yourself from a person could also mean erasing that person in your life.”
I stared at him. “But isn’t it easier to do that with the literal distance between us?”
“Depende.”
“Saan?”
“Depende sa’yo.”
“What the hell do you mean by depende sa akin?” I asked exasperatedly.
“Depends on your personality and determination. But from what I could assess, you can do it even without placing a literal space between the two of you. You could do it by distracting yourself.”
“Huh?”
He shrugged again. “Sometimes, distraction is the best distance.”
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Blog Entry # 32:
“Sometimes, distraction is the best distance.”
(c) Cirrus Sandejas
Okay. So does he mean to say that I need to distract myself?
What the hell would I distract myself with?
Seriously, he is just so weird.
But I cannot deny the fact that lately, I’m getting distracted.
Celeste Cheng
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