My tongue runs over my lips and the metallic taste of blood spreads in my mouth. I grimace in disgust and when I'm about to stand up and fight back, they retreat inside the school building. I am left behind with only my anger for company. Why is it always like this ? Why am I so weak ? I slowly remove my nails from the palms of my hands, leaving bloody marks on my skin. Several parts of my body and face feel sore. I clasp my hands together to contain their trembling, and to also hold back my tears.
A hand comes to rest on me and gently strokes my back. I immediately close my eyes and my chin begins to tremble as I clench my teeth. I feel like an insect that has to be crushed at all costs until it dies. A poor insect with no ability to defend itself.
"Leave me alone," I groan through my teeth.
His shadow hides me as he crouches beside me and his hand starts stroking my hair. My body is shaking with rage; I couldn't hide it. My throat is tightened and my tears are soon going to spill out of my eyes, but I refuse to give them the satisfaction. It was the only thing I could try—hide my emotions.
"Ace..." He sighs.
"I don't need your help !" I shout.
I push him by the shoulders and he falls to the ground. My blood is scalding me. My hands grab the collar of his shirt and I shake him while tears finally roll down my cheeks.
"Why do you have to help me all the time ? To make them run away ? Let them finish once and for all ! I don't need your help, Louis !" I pour my hatred onto him, slapping his chest.
He gives me a worried look and stops me from moving vigorously by grabbing my wrists firmly. My heart is racing in my chest; I feel like my head is going to explode. He has always scared them off, and he has always defended me, but because of him I don't have the strength to beat them myself.
"Ace, don't listen to everything they tell you; they won't be the only ones. This world can hurt you. You need to be strong." His soft voice reaches me.
"I don't need your help... I don't need you, I don't..." My voice cracks and I collapse against him.
His arms went around me; he made me feel safe, as he always did. Each time I had to get stronger but each time I couldn't defend myself, I just suffered. The only strength I have is Louis. I am nothing but weakness.
"Why..." I whisper between sobs.
"I will always be there. I will always help you when you need it, until you become stronger. I promise, one day you will make them suffer, Ace."
-
I look down at my palms above the bathroom sink; my nail marks are still there. Why am I thinking about this ? Does it mean I'm going to lose him ? Is my conscience throwing me back into these memories to warn me that Louis is leaving ? But am I ready to let him go ? Am I strong enough now to fight on my own ? But that isn't all—what if Louis puts himself in danger ?
I brush my thumb over my scars, remembering all the times they have bled, and Louis has cleaned them. Who will do it now ? I meet my eyes in the mirror, noticing that dark circles are still present under my eyes. The bruises and wounds no longer show on my face, but the pain is inside; I'm still weak.
This world can hurt you, he had said that day. This world spared no one, but people like me never escape the pain, the violence. I have no place, nowhere. I am a free electron; I am different, but Louis has always understood me, and without him, I would be lost in the expanse of this world that hurts.
The door suddenly opens, making me jump in fear. My eyes flick to the mirror and I see two blue eyes watching me. I can tell that many thoughts were running through his mind at this moment, but nothing disturbs the silence. I turn to him and immediately become aware that he is holding a large black bag. My lips part instantly; my gaze darts back and forth between him and what he had in his hand while my breathing gets trapped in my chest. I search for all the explanations in the world but can only think of one : it is a travel bag.
My reaction makes him act, and he walks towards me. He opens the cupboard and quickly grabs a few items, so that no sound can come out of my mouth before he leaves. Panic makes me flinch as I can already see him abandoning me.
"Wait !" I say in a rush.
His shoes hit the ground, and he stands still with his back to me. My breath is short; I don't know what to do.
"Where are you going ?" I ask.
A long sigh escapes his lungs and I see the corner of his eye as he looks over his shoulder at me. I thought he is finally going to speak, but he leaves. My fists are clenched and I can hardly breathe; fear suddenly compresses my chest. I rush after him and follow him to his room. He crosses the room a million times—grabbing things and shoving them into the bag. Millions of voices are screaming different things in my head as I search for any way to stop him from leaving.
"I saw you with that man earlier."
He stops all movements and his icy eyes meet mine. He looks angry. My heart races and I feel my chin tremble; I promptly catch my bottom lip between my teeth. He doesn't ask any questions nor does he try to ask what I have seen. I can see in his eyes that he is asking himself a thousand questions, but he is trying not to talk to me, not to turn away from his purpose.
"Don't go," I say, my voice sounding scared.
He knows what state I am in, that what he is doing is affecting me. But it doesn't seem to matter to him anymore. I am lost and I can't comprehend anything. I try to put together all the pieces of information I have received, but it is all a blur. Once again, I feel weak, powerless, and unable to do anything to help him.
He closes his bag and walks quickly towards me, glaring. He pushes me out of the way with the strength of his hand and walks down the hallway. My throat tightens as I feel choked by my own uselessness.
"Don't go, please ! It's dangerous !" I shout as I watch him slowly slip through my fingers.
He suddenly turns around and my muscles freeze as he walks with long and fast strides towards me with his jaw clenched.
"I don't need your help, Ace. " His tone is harsh.
The tears come at his rudeness and I can't breathe. Then, it hit me. The situation has just been reversed. In the past, I didn't want his help, but at the same time, I had never needed it so much. I had been a weakling and maybe I still am. Louis is still the only strength I have but now I feels like he is the one who needs to be saved. He doesn't want my help, but maybe he is just completely lost ? Maybe, I have to save him from this world that is going to hurt him ? Without him, I wouldn't know how to live, but what is more important to me is his safety.
I look down the hallway and realize that he is gone. My mind starts to freak out and I run down the stairs to the kitchen, where I hear the sound of his voice again.
"I'm going to a party tonight. I'll be back tomorrow." I hear him say.
"Okay. Don't come home too late and take care of yourself !" My mother replies.
The door slams, and I feel my heart fall at my feet.
He is gone.
As I stare into space, the sound of the door still echoes in my head. I feel empty, like a part of me has just escaped through the door. Had I just let him go ? Without making any more effort ? Without having the courage to hold him back ? Am I that ? The type of person who is so weak that she would not be able to give everything, even for someone she loves ?
Impulsively, my legs begin to run, even though my mind doesn't know what to do. I find myself facing my mother in front of the door, out of breath; her questioning gaze looks at me up and down. No words come out of my mouth as I think about what I can do now.
"What ?" She asks as her blue eyes focus on mine.
My lips part but no sound comes out. My hands are sweaty and I swallow, breaking the lump in my throat.
"I... I'm also going to the party."
She looks confused and I am afraid that my lie wouldn't work. My heart is beating fast, like what if she says no ? What options will I be left with?
"Louis is not waiting for you ?"
My chest feels lighter. I was going to make it.
"I think he's just outside. I'm joining him," I reply, taking a step towards the door.
"Wait," a shiver runs through my body and I slowly turn to face her, "Did you take your pills ?"
I sigh with relief, grabbed my purse and put on my leather jacket that was in the hallway.
"Yes."
"Okay. Have a good night, honey." Her soft voice comforts me.
I am relieved that my mother has agreed, because obviously my father would have told me to go and do the dishes if he had been there. I nod and leave; the door slams behind me. I walk down the stairs to the street and notice that the ground is still wet. It is dark and the wind is cold. The street lights partially illuminate the street. The sound of my breathing replaces the eerie silence. All the houses seem empty and spooky. I feel an uneasiness surrounding me — like the night, the darkness, the abyss are calling me. I am alone in this hell and the fear is clinging to my bones. I pull the sides of my jacket tightly against me and see my brother's silhouette disappear at the end of the street.
I start to walk along the pavement, speeding up so as not to lose track of him. I sigh; what had I done to end up like this—following my brother down the street ? Am I crazy ? What if he saw me ? What if he got into a car and I lost him ? What if I am just being paranoid and he isn't doing anything bad ? I would look dumb. But that man who had pinned him to the wall proved otherwise. What I am doing here is the only brave thing I have ever done in my life. Well, I am trying to save Louis; I am coming out of this weakness, but who knows where this surge of courage would lead me ?
-
My footsteps crackle against the gravel and I avoid the puddles so as not to make any noise. I deliberately keep away from him — I know that my clumsiness would sooner or later be noticed. My muscles are aching since they have been tensed for twenty minutes. I wonder where he could go, and no matter how much I think about it, I don't know what I'm going to do when he would finally arrive at his meeting place.
Louis takes a turn at the end of the street and I immediately press myself against the wall of a house to blend into the darkness. I accelerate my walk and reach the corner of the street. I instantly stop all movements and backed up to hide behind a wall. My breath catches and I feel the dampness of the bricks reach my hair, chilling my skin. I slowly move my eyes away from the wall, and look again at what I have just discovered.
It is a small square which is very well hidden in the heart of the streets of Charlotte. A few cars are parked, motorbikes too, and I hear music like my heartbeat — loud, muffled and steady. A giant neon blue sign is hung over a rusty iron gate. It illuminates the square and reflected its blue colour in the puddles of rainwater.
"Debauchery", it says.
I wonder how it can still stand on the wall and be in such good condition whereas the square is in such a pathetic state. I turn my attention to Louis who is walking towards the door which is surrounded by men similar to the one I had seen earlier tonight. Their tattooed hands held cigarettes and their deep voices echoed across the square.
This place is terrifying like I'm sure that everything illegal in the world is in here. Something told me that the word "debauchery" is not so bad. Why is Louis coming here ? Is this the place he used to go every night ? He opens the door, the music blared on the street, and my eyes widen as he disappears into the darkness; the door closes with a loud bang.
I press my back against the cold wall and shivers run through my body. My fingernails slowly dig into my skin and my legs begin to tremble. It is my turn. Fear compresses my lungs; if I go inside, will I ever come out ? Will I be murdered or even raped by a tall tattooed man ? Besides, will it get my brother back ? I quickly open my bag and take out my medicine box. I put two pills on my tongue and swallow them. My eyelids shut close and I lean my head against the wall. I breathe in the cold air while my chin quivered and my breath came out in shaky gasps. I have already taken my pills but I am going to need them more than ever.
"C'mon, you can do it Ace..." I whisper to myself.
I take a deep breath and open my eyes again; adrenaline and fear are now running through my body. I push myself up, lifting my back off the wall and then stride towards the iron doorway overlooked by the huge 'Debauchery' sign. My gaze is fixed on the floor as I am afraid that these men are watching me. My heart is beating faster than the music now and my breathing is short. I get closer to the door. I don't care if I step in the puddles.
I stuff my hands in the pockets of my jacket and walked forward, blindly. With each step, I become a little more afraid of being kidnapped on the spot. With my head down, my eyes locked on the ground as it sped by, the shoes of the men standing in front of the door appear in my field of vision. I certainly do not behave like someone who is used to going to such places, but I can't create such an identity for myself and there is no way I can hide my fear.
I slowly get closer to the music; the bass of which is booming through the iron door. But the only thing I can put emphasis on is that the laughter of these men has turned silent; they must have been looking at me from head to toe. I swallow hard and finally reach for the door handle that had seemed so far away. Even though the cold sensation of it went through every inch of my body, I feel that nothing can distract me from my purpose.
I manage to lower it despite its rigidness and leaned my whole body against the heavy door to open it. I pray that there is no one behind this door, and that the entrance is not exclusive. The music hits my eardrums and a wave of strange smells washes over me. Is this a hidden, secret club ? What does it contain ? My eyes wander around the room and all I can perceive is darkness, nothing else. My muscles tense in fear, but it is too late to turn back. I step inside, and the room is too dark for me to look where I am going.
"Hey you," I hear a deep voice; a shiver goes through my body and I stop all my movements at once.
I sigh and slowly turned to face the man while my nails dug into my skin for good. I try to make my face as neutral as possible and my eyes as cold as possible. The middle-aged man has a beanie pulled over his head, a t-shirt, tattoos covering his arms and piercings running across his face. His jaw is clenched, and I can sense that he suspected me. All the men behind him are looking at me too and at this moment, all that matters is my acting.
"Tell me, darling. Why are you here ? Are you lost ?" His words repulse me.
I bite my lower lip firmly, and my eyes burn with rage. I wonder where I have found the strength to fight what this man makes me feel. Maybe, it is my medicine taking effect. His appearance is much more terrifying than that of the man I had seen with Louis, but he seems calm so the idea of dying on the spot drifts far away from my mind.
"I have an appointment inside," I reply curtly.
His eyebrows furrow and he clearly doesn't seem convinced. I was stupid to think that people here make appointments; it is certainly far from being the case. My breath is stuck as I stare up at his face. It is as if all my strength left my body to allow my brain to get me out of this situation.
"I see," he takes a step forward, "Who are you supporting tonight ?"
A million questions race through my mind like who am I supposed to support ? Support for what ? He is trying to catch me red-handed, and I have no idea how I am going to get out of it. I gulp, and clench my jaw—I have to sound confident even though everything brave in me is gone.
"No one is worth it."
I have caught a fever now; I can feel the sweat on my forehead and I can sense that an anxiety attack is approaching. My hands began to shake; at best - I am going to walk into this dark and unfamiliar place which is undeniably dangerous, and at worst - I am going to get killed. Everything is fine and under control, right ? An amused smile curves his lips with a little chuckle as he comes closer to me and I catch the smell of his cigarette. Sweat shines on his forehead under the blue lights.
"Come on, baby. There must be one, right ?" He insists, making me gulp.
He also smells of alcohol, and by the dilation of his pupils - I can tell he is high. All the nicknames he gave me made me realise that I am just an amusement for him, and I can feel my nerves slowly getting tense. I look at all the men around me one by one, knowing that if I take one wrong step, I would end up as food for these hungry animals. I have never felt so uncomfortable. I silently pray for Louis to come and save me. I feel like I am naked in front of them—that my lie is showing through my teeth. Their insistent looks make me more and more panicky, but I have to appear relaxed to succeed.
"Well, Louis." I say, not really knowing what I am getting into.
I have to try everything — at best, surprising them and at worst, digging my own grave. His evil smile disappears and I take it as a victory. He looks at me up and down in a superior air and snickers as his thin lips curl upwards.
"Of course you don't want to take risks; you're not very bold." He spits a sample of his saliva on the floor and all his boys laugh.
Does that mean my brother is a sure bet ? I don't even know what was I supposed to support for. I sigh and slowly open my fists, pulling my nails from my skin. For the first time since I've came here, I feel comfortable, for I have just caught him at his own game. I scan him up and down and see a piece of paper sticking out of his pocket. A small smile tugs at the corner of my lips and I look at him straight in the dark eyes. I have already won, but I want to make the victory even more impressive.
"Really ?" I gently grasp the paper between my index and middle fingers, raising it between our two faces, "Then, what is this ?"
I don't know why I stayed with these men when I could have left. I don't recognise myself. He snatches it out of my hand, trying to hide my brother's name. I wonder at the same time - why were there tickets with his name on them. Fear takes ahold of me again as his eyes turn dark, and I no longer assume what I had just thought. I have just silenced him, humiliated him in front of other men; I have to leave.
I swallow, turn my back on them and quickly enter the darkness hidden by the heavy door. I let go of my hold on it, praying that no one would hold it back. The light gradually fades and the door slams with a loud, metallic noise, startling me. I am now in complete darkness and the music is assaulting my eardrums. I don't believe that I have just faced men much more powerful than me. It is the first time in my life that I had courage. But is it just courage ? Is it not madness ? Isn't it madness that takes me everywhere to save my brother ?
My legs are still shaking with fear like what if that man decides to come for me again ? I should not stay behind this door. I take small and frightened steps, sinking into the darkness. I wonder what I am going to find here, what Louis is doing here and why tickets have his name on them.
I sigh and take bigger steps with my hands in front of me because I am afraid of running into something. The music mutes every other noise and the chances were the most that someone could come out of nowhere at any moment. Cold shivers run through my body and I can barely feel the warmth of the hallway. I can hear distant voices, shouts and laughter.
As I take another step, neon blue lights light up on the ceiling, drawing a line down the hall. I see a black curtain at the end, which certainly leads to the voices. A final neon red light comes on to my left and my eyes widen as a man is standing there. He is behind a counter set into the wall and stared at me with a detached look. Is he always waiting in the dark for people to come in ? He is young, skinny and dark-haired, but I can't see the details of his face.
"Who do you bet for ?" He interrupts my thoughts.
He had to shout to subdue the sound of the music, but he sounds like talking made him tired. The neon lights keep flashing and my eyes hurt.
"Louis," I quickly shout; I felt like I am bothering him.
He tears off a ticket and pushes it under the plastic window that separates us. I take it slowly and see that it is the same ticket as of the man outside.
"Three dollars."
I meet his eyes and take a long time to understand. He reaches out his open hand under the glass impatiently while not taking his eyes off me. I quickly open my purse, find three dollars, and then dropped it into his hand. He puts his money away and I turn around—ready to walk through that curtain.
"Your hand," I hear his voice again.
Of all the men I have met here, he is certainly the one who scares me the least. I furrow my eyebrows and he points to his counter with a stamp pad in his hand.
"Oh." I put it down in front of him.
He presses the stamp on the back of my hand that leaves the word "Debauchery" written on my skin with glow-in-the-dark ink.
"Thank you," I say and pull my hand away.
As an answer, he gets up and walks away behind his counter. This man is strange, but at least he isn't going to hurt me. Then, the lights goes out. I sigh and rolled my eyes. Seriously ? I look at my hand and see that the word is glowing on my skin. Wth the ticket between my fingers, I continue my journey in the dark through the long corridor, knowing now where it led.
I walk a little uncomfortably, knowing that the man at the front desk is not far away. The current music stops and another one escalates along the corridor, getting louder as I get closer.
My fingertips finally touch the curtain, which I pull aside. A blue light shines on me, and I discover a large room full of people. I let go of the curtain and it closes behind me. I take the time to look around the room before venturing in.
The people look all the same. The men are more or less muscular — with tattoos, a glass of alcohol in one hand and a cigarette in the other. There are a few women — short, with smoky makeup and fancy tattoos on their legs. The room is dark and dipped in a blue colour.
Except for one place.
A huge boxing ring stood in the middle of the room. Two spotlights highlight it in a golden light. My lips part when I understand why they were selling tickets. My brother is going to fight here and people are betting for or against him. I feel as if the ground is shifting beneath my feet. I hadn't realized for a second that this was even possible. My brother had always defended me but he had never been able to hurt anyone. What had happened that I couldn't see ? The ring is empty, and I can't imagine that in a few moments, my brother would be in it.
The floor has some dried blood stains as well as some fresh. Is my brother's blood one of them ? I picture him fighting with his face and body covered in bruises. My vision becomes blurry; my head starts spinning with the music, the laughter and the harsh smell of tobacco. It is hard to breathe, hard to think clearly; it feels like a nightmare. My lungs suddenly contract and I put my hand against my chest; the pain is showing on my face. I feel myself tipping forward but I catch myself against the wall.
I start to walk; my legs are as limp as gum. I walk along the black wall; I have to find Louis before he gets into that ring. I leave the boxing gym and find myself in a much larger room. People walk past me and keep bumping into my shoulder, making me flinch. It is extremely hot and I am sweating. My heartbeat is pounding in my head and I close my eyes in pain. My walk is shaky and I grab onto the railing of a staircase. I fight the pain and slowly open my eyes. I can barely see what is in this place but then I see a sign pointing to the stairs with "Dressing rooms" written on it.
I climb the stairs one by one; I want to leave this floor, this intense noise, and my brother might be up there. I have never felt so heavy, like I can hardly get up the stairs. My body is swaying; if I fell, I would have no strength to hold on.
I finally reach the end of the infinite stairs and put my hand against the wall. I try to catch my breath as I look down the corridor I am in. My vision is still blurry but I can see that I am completely alone here. The hallway is dark, but the dim blue lighting is still present. There are several doors — all closed. I regain my senses for a few moments and then push myself off the wall to reach the one opposite.
My hand slides along the first door that comes my way. My fingers wrap around the handle, and I slowly lower it. An apprehension fills my mind, but I simply want to be alone for a few moments; the fear of being caught is less. I step into the dark room while holding onto the wall. Red lights are fixed to the bottom of one of the four walls, giving me the impression that the ceiling is endless. I almost stumble and fall, but I press myself against the door, making it slam shut.
I am breathless with fear, but no one can hear me over the music. Like the sign said, it is a sort of a dressing room of which I can only see the lit side. There is a huge sofa in the corner with a coffee table, a counter with a mirror on top and a mini fridge. It is a mess; there were objects everywhere on the floor.
I close my eyes and lean the back of my head against the door. My heartbeat slows and my headache lessens as the music dies down. I press the palms of my hands against my sweaty forehead; I am burning up. I run my fingers through my hair to the back of my head and sigh. I open my eyes and scan the room.
A black bag lays on the sofa, and instantly my eyes widen. It looked like Louis'. I walk over to it, wobbling as my head is still spinning. I try to avoid tripping on everything that is spilled on the floor, and then my gaze falls on the coffee table. There is a pile of cash at the corner, a sachet of white powder, a lighter, a packet of cigarettes, a knife, a gun — anything illegal that is to possess. I pray that none of this belongs to, or has anything to do with my brother. But the fact that he comes here connected him to it all.
There is also a plastic box with white pills inside. I furrow my brows and bend down to pick it up. I am afraid it has something to do with my brother, too. Is he on medication ? Why ? There is a sticker on it with small markings. I bring my face close to it to try to read what is written on it, but the low light makes it difficult.
I squint to see clearly but then I feel a breath on the back of my neck. My blood runs cold; I hope that I am dreaming, and I slowly turn my head towards my shoulder. Abruptly, I drop the box and its cap opens, spilling all the pills onto the floor. I gasp and turn to the figure behind me. In the darkness of the room, I see dark eyes that instantly freezes my muscles. He is taller than me — muscled, dressed in black and I can't see his face. His breath is heavy and silent, drowning out the sound of the music already muffled by the walls. I swallow and my breath catches as he takes a step forward. Every muscle in my body starts to tremble, and I feels as if life is leaving me.
I back up until my back hits the wall, as my heart races in my chest. I am unable to say a word, and unable to scream for help. Who is going to save me, anyway ? I was looking for a quiet place where I thought I might find my brother, but this silhouette staring at me silently suggests that I have fallen into hell. I am trapped, and from the look in his eyes - I should never have seen what I have seen, I should have never come here, and I even question my birth.
He continues to walk towards me without saying a word, and the aura he gives off crushes my lungs. I feel my body dissociate from my mind as he gets closer and closer. He stops near me, while my chest heaves more. His scent mixed with that of the cigarette intoxicates me. My heart is beating so hard that I am sure he can hear it despite the music. Has he been in the room all along ? Was he watching me ?
He doesn't speak, but the look in his eyes says it all. My hands are sweaty, and I can hardly breathe. I have no way out. I quickly look down at the cigarette he is holding near my thigh to make sure he isn't burning me.
"Looks like we have a little mouse here." His raspy voice rings out and his breath hits my lips.
My legs begin to shake; I don't know how I can stand anymore. He takes a lock of my hair and slowly tucks it behind my ear. His voice is low and his tone firm. His face is still unfamiliar to me, but his dominant presence terrifies me in a way I have never been terrified before.
"A little angel..." He whispers, then sighs. "What do we do to little mice like you ?"
I have never felt so weak, so small in front of anyone. I lose all my means and think that I will die on the spot. I can hardly see anything in the room and I am afraid that at any moment - a knife or a bullet will stab me. Tears well up in the corners of my eyes.
"Please... Let me go..." My poor lips beg, despite their trembling.
"You better run," he challenges, "Run before I kill you."