The vile, dreadful and most hated week and a half came to an end. Finally. We could all breathe again. Oxygen felt sweeter to inhale and the world suddenly turned green again. As if we were all cooped up in a square or rectangular box, stuck, locked from the outside, shut out from the real world. Oxygen felt was in limited capacity. As if that is even possible but it felt suffocating to say the least. And now that it is over, I can feel myself taking in huge gulps of air and refreshing my brain from the stale oxygen I was forced to breathe for the last week and a half. It was not something I have ever experienced.
If you are wondering what I referring to, I am simply referring to our exams.
The same exams which literally holds our future in its hands. The exam whose results will determine who will graduate and who will not. Everything seemed like will be determined by this exam. Hence, the added pressure. It was weird. Because it was not that the exams were hard. Well maybe some time, and for people who did not study or revise, maybe. Not for me, particularly, yet every time I came out of the exam hall. I had but one single feeling. I fucked up the exam. Such a nice sentiment to have, isn't it? I was worried and started pulling my hair as soon as I started checking my answers and if one thing did not match in the 50 other things, I was a mess. I have no idea why I was behaving like this. But I was. My friends were not better either. They believed in comparing answers with each other than books, hence sometimes I felt I got more wrong answers than I actually did. Well not that the results are out, it is just my estimation from checking the books thoroughly. Just remember the fact, I did forget some answers after some time, hence, my judgement is not very trustworthy either.
I have had final exams before. In fact, I sat in one last year. Yet, I cannot remember panicking like this, behaving such wildly. Even my friends were calm and composed then. But this year, we are all frantic, turning on each other and shouting if one thing was not going according to some imaginary plan. Yet, none of us knew about this so-called plan, that we kept referring to for the past two and half weeks and kept getting angry. All of us were in bad moods, but Lee was particularly in one. It seemed to me, that she was just frustrated with anything and everything. Weirdly Jake and June were at each other's throats instead of helping the other. That was Danny and Jeff. They helped each other. One date and they became glued to each other. Me on the other hand. I was busy realizing stuffs I never knew about myself.
After our visit to the Millers, came the final exams and we started preparations for it way in advance so as not to fry our brain and actually revise. Well, that was the initial thought, but we forgot how many things have happened and we had zoned out in class from time to time. This new semester, it was different than last semester when we learned about our friend Silver. But you see when something is connected you got to remember and actually understand them to come to this next step. Problem was we somehow did it during the finals for last semester. How? Don't ask me because I cannot tell you now, seeing as we were struggling to grasp things from there. Not in every subject though, just math and statistics. Probably my blunder to keep them for this last semester. But I never thought I would be in so much deep trouble. Anyway, after somehow, we understood whatever happened in last semester, I realized that things happened to me after Spring Break this semester. Hence, I had zoned out. Thus, it was almost impossible for me to understand. I cannot tell you how I submitted my assignments and got good score. Either I knew something subconsciously or else...well I do not know what else. But this time my subconscious was not helping me.
So, after revising, relearning things and finally sitting in the exams and hoping I did okay. I am free. In the meantime, though my brain was busy. Especially at nights I would lay awake and think. It was rarely that I got any sleep. This was a problem for me, but somehow, I managed. Lee changed her behavior; I would say drastically but maybe not. She was with me, talking and we spent time revising. Yet, I felt there was a distance between us, and I had no idea how to decrease it. Plus, the fact that she got irritated easily didn't help. Not with Tori or Liz though, just me and studies. It's like we are the two factors ruining her life. It is just the opposite of what I felt while returning from Mr. and Mrs. Miller's house.
What I realized is that I have a bad habit of putting people up on a pedestal. And then letting them stay there. Thus, forgetting they are real people, with real emotions and real flaws. Flaws is a big thing I often overlook on these people. Tori is on such a pedestal. She still is. Maybe because of our age difference, or maybe it is because I have imagined doing things with Tori growing up. I lived my life during those years vicariously through my daydreams. And now that I am actually living with Tori, I find it surreal. Then there are things we did together, I always imagined doing. Not that they are something so uncharacteristic for siblings to do. But for me, it was like living one of my daydreams. And thus, she remained on the pedestal. Liz is also on one, but she is not as high up as Tori. It's weird. I think Tori knows this, but we have never talked about it , or she has never acknowledged it. But I think this has been one of the reasons, I had trouble opening up to her, and discussing many things.
Why am I saying this? It's because Maize is on one such pedestal. And not only that I overlook her flaws, or the times we fought but apparently, I try to compare her to people, even if subconsciously or unconsciously. Lee is one such person, who I have compared with Maize. I remember the talk Tori and I had before going to the Miller's residence. I never got time to talk to Lee about it that day. Actually, I did not talk to Lee about it for several days after that. But then, one night after revising, more like I closed the books because it seemed like Lee was about to burst. I pulled her to me and took her hands in mine. I remember the look Lee gave me. It was not a glare, yet it felt venomous. The look itself had fangs and were out for my blood. Only at that time, I was sort of giving my neck to the approaching fang. Such a weird analogy I just thought of. Being couped up in rooms for exams, did this to me, I think.
Anyway, so after giving me the said look Lee snatched her hands back and backed away from me. As if my touch made her feel something...disgusted, angry, I am not sure, but definitely nothing good. She stood up then while I remained on the ground, shocked and hurt from such a reaction from my girlfriend. Yet I somehow, knew it was coming. Not that it hurt any less. Well, I knew there would be a fight or something not that exactly. But even though I was hurt, and my tears were threatening to spill. I gathered courage and strength, which I had lost from such a reaction. I stopped Lee from walking out. And all she asked me was a simple, 'why?'. I did not answer but just kissed her deeply and passionately. Even with my tears falling and making the kiss salty, I continued to kiss Lee, trying to convey what I was feeling.
That night Lee and I had a long talk after the impromptu make-out session. I asked about what was going on with her. Obviously, Lee talked in riddles, not answering my questions and trying to distract me with kisses or a simple touch. She knew what she was doing which is why after some time I took her hands hostage and she giggled. Yet, she did not tell me fully. She asked why I was making her feel that whatever she was doing was not measuring up to some imaginary standard, I have. Then she even asked if I was comparing her to someone, did not mention anyone's name. I did think it was Diane, she was talking about then, but later on I realized she meant Maize, but she never once said her name. I told her sorry if I forced her to go meet the Millers, and that it was never my intention. Lee said she felt weird, extremely awkward, like she was intruding on something she was not supposed to. But apparently after talking to Mr. and Mrs. Miller that feeling vanished. I am glad.
We also took out some of the photographs I have of Maize and I throughout the years, the ones I packed from back home but never unpacked or put on display. For the first time ever, they were put on display in my room that night. Lee asked me about each photo, and I told her as much as I remember. Then of course, one of them made me sad and I cried a little, Lee was supportive. She never once pushed me away just because we were talking about Maize. That's the moment I realized this pedestal thing. And also, how much people get affected when I do this. I mean I remember Lee being supportive and a good friend. But then after she was freaking out about everything because of the way I was behaving and making her feel, without even realizing. Lee changed and was frustrated at everything. Funny thing is it all happened during exams week. How very appropriate!
After that night Lee became herself again, not shouting at everyone, she was calm again. Composed and levelheaded. And yes, of course, in typical Lee fashion, chill, as opposed to panicked, frustrated Lee, like she was. Unknowingly, I made her feel whatever she was doing was wrong, and she is not living up to some standards. Even with kissing. I never realized that. But this all made Lee afraid that I would shatter her heart into a million and one piece and not even bother looking back. I never knew, I could be this cold-hearted bitch. But then again wasn't that what I did to Diane? Then again, I never loved Diane, I sort of selfishly used her to escape my growing feelings for Lee. So, I guess I was a cold-hearted bitch to her. No wonder Lee was afraid. I just hope I curbed her fear fully, because never will I knowingly hurt Lee.
Today is a Friday, after exams. Thus, making it the best day possible. Also, we have prom coming up in few weeks. Yes, weirdly this year exam happened, then few weeks later prom, then results followed by graduation. Generally, it always happens as Prom, then break, followed by exams and graduation. This year Principal Sandler just threw out what always happened and instead made his new way. I am big fan of it myself, as now we can all relax a little, as well as have time to buy dress for Prom, without the dark exam clouds looming our heads. I do not want to think about it, but my brain is already there. This set up also gives us time, for all of us friends to hangout, carefree and enjoy before we go our separate ways. I don't think classes start till Fall, for college, but I have a sneaking suspicion, some of us will start college early. Namely June, Jake and even Jeff maybe. I am not sure about Jeff's, but he hinted about it a while back. Not sure if his plans have changed seeing as he acquired a new beau.
I planned on walking to the hangout today. Well, that changed when Alice out of everyone honked her car's horn beside me. "Come on Kris, get in." Alice demanded. I just gave her look and did not climb into her car. "Don't be like that Kris. I am not facing angry Charlie, because of you."
Instantly hearing my girlfriend's name, I climbed into her car. Alice smiled and muttered 'whipped', which I clearly heard. Yet, I did not rebuke the sentiment. I know I am. Even if Lee does not know it yet. After some time, I see her driving in the different direction as opposed to the hangout. "So where are we going Alice?" She does not answer. "Pretty sure Lee asked me to meet her there, she will be angry if you kidnap her girlfriend." I smirk and fold my hands over my chest.
Alice merely gave me look, literally spared me a glance, and scoffed before watching the road. Soon, I noticed, that not only are we not going towards the hangout, but we are also now going on a highway, probably on the way out of town. Surely, this was not part of the plan. Now I am scared. I know Alice, and I know she is not taking me somewhere weird. But then the irrational part of my brain came up with the fact, that we still do not know, where Alice went that one particular Friday, the same day we four had that awkward, accidental double date. Since it is irrational thinking, it starting to go far-fetched and now I am panicking. I am literally trying to see clearly as my vision gets a little foggy and I start to sweat profusely. I do not think I have faced this before and I pretty sure I am going to go into some cardiac arrest if I continue to not able to breathe in. I knock on the window glass to let Alice know to open it. The cold air from the A.C. is not helping me. I need oxygen, direct from the air.
"You okay there?" Alice asks me. I just look at her and try to breath as much as possible before losing my vision completely and die. Because at this point, I am sure, my friend is trying to kidnap me, and I am dying. And yet again I am in a car. What is with me and cars? Before I could think more, I feel darkness overtake me and I am lost.
Slaps. One slap. Two slap, three slaps, four slaps. What the hell? By the time the hand came in for the fifth slap I take hold of it with my eyes barely open. I try to move and feel my mouth is dry and for some reason my limbs feel heavy, and I am extremely tired. Like I have been working out in a gym for hours when I know for a fact I don't work out. So, what is going on? Also, just a quick glance tells me I am somewhere on the road, probably lying on the ground, in the dirty roadside. I feel the vibration beneath me, and I see a car swoosh by me. Instead of looking at the person who was slapping me, I look at the now disappearing car. Because never in my life have, I felt vibrations like that and then see it is from the car, whose speed is very high I presume. Faint music float to my ear and yet I am still to look into the eyes or face of my slapper. Slowly my eyes betray me, and they fall on my friend, who has her face scrunched up. Her eyes a little puffy and red and her cheeks are red, and tear stained. Wait, Alice was crying? Why? What happened?
"Kris, you gave me a heart attack. Never pass out on me like that." I try to sit up, but Alice just hugs me tightly by putting her whole-body weight on me. I hug her back with a 'hmph'. "Sorry." Alice mutters meekly as she helps me sit up.
Before I could say anything, she gets up and rushes to the parked car behind us and brings me a bottle of water. I mumble an incoherent 'thank you' before gulping the water. It quests my thirst a little but not the shock of it. Because I cannot for the life of me remember what happened? I remember getting in the car with Alice, and then us going on the highway, then blank. That's where my memory stops and now, I am drawing a blank as to why am I lying on the side of the road? What the hell happened? Did we get into an accident? I check for injuries. Nothing. Except that my limbs are made of brick, and I just cannot move them anymore. I try to stand with Alice's help of course. But she is struggling as I cannot help myself, yet somehow, we manage. Alice helps me get resettled in the car while climbing into the driver's seat herself.
I take notice of Alice in her environment, something I have never seen, I think. First thing Alice does as she climbs into the car, she puts on her shades which was resting on the dashboard above the dials. She checks her hair along with the shades, fixes it, then checks her rear-view mirrors. While this all is going on and the door is still open. Then she changes the music and utters 'no,' 'no,' 'definitely not,' 'nope'. She continues till she gets one song she likes and says, 'ah. Now this one is perfect.' Followed by changing the volume and making me go deaf almost with the sudden change. Finally, she gives me a small smile and asks, "are we ready to roll?" I stare at her blankly. Because truthfully who is this? And what happened to my friend Alice?
Alice does not seem to understand that I am thinking somebody body snatched my otherwise closed mouthed, angry friend, who rarely talks to me nowadays. Even if she did earlier, something happened, and she stopped. And this Alice here is talking to me, hugging me, giving me water and then saying things like, 'we ready to roll.' So not like Alice. I shake Alice's shoulder lightly just to check. Alice laughs out heartily before asking to 'buckle up' not put seat belt on before starting the car.
Soon, we are joining the usual traffic on the highway with Alice bopping her head to this unknown song. Although I like the beats, they feel soothing, yet I want to dance to it. While Alice is not laughing, I am still not convinced she has not been body snatched. And how can I forget what happened? It is not like every day you wake up lying on the road with no injuries and no memory of what happened for you to wake up there. Also, Alice has no injure, neither does the car. Does that mean I passed out just like that? Why would I just pass out, that is so unlike me. Then again maybe it is the tiredness from the past two to three weeks is catching up to me finally.
I rested my eyes for a second and now I feel we are stopping. I peek from one eye to check if it is a red light but unfortunately it is not. No. It is restaurant. More importantly it is pizza joint which seems to be in the middle of nowhere. Wait, am I seeing this right? Yep, there are cars in the parking lot. In fact, too many cars but nothing is here except the pizza place. Something might be nearby which I clearly cannot see.
"Finally, you guys are here. What took you guys so long?" Lee asks as soon as Alice stops the car. She does not even wait. While I am shocked to see her here because I clearly remember her asking me to meet her at the hangout today. So, what happened? Argh so many questions.
Alice steps out of the car and before I could answer Lee, Alice does. "This one here decided to faint on me." She hooks her thumb and points at me. And I just smile sheepishly at Lee, who is shocked to hear that.
"What? What do you mean Alice? What happened?" Lee asks Alice but keeps on looking at me as if she is trying to see more like trying to find what happened. As if looking at me will tell her, frankly even I can't tell her.
"I have no idea. One minute she knocks into the window glass asking me to open it, so I do. I see Kris breathing in the air as if she cannot breathe and before I could ask her anything she passes out. I have no idea what happened, but I think she was panicking for some reason." Alice replies while they both just eye me.
"Why you're looking at me like that? I have no idea what happened. One minute I am seeing we are going out of town, on the highway, next moment I am waking up on the side of the road." I tell them and then look at Alice. "Alice why'd put me on the ground?"
"I don't know. You were not waking up Kris. I was panicking and trying to think of something. That felt logical to me. Sorry if it dirtied your clothes."
I wave my hands at her. "Nah. It's all fine. I can dust them for now." Lee is still looking me.
Alice walks up to her and whispers something in her ear. I see Lee's face turn pink as she looks at me. While I am still just stepping out of the car. Standing beside it, with my hand still attached to the door, holding it. For support, sort of. Lee starts to walk towards me while Alice shouts, "go get her, girl." What does she mean by that? Lee is already my girlfriend. I thought we got each other already.
But before I could think much about it, Lee's body collide mine as she throws herself to me. Hugging me, kissing my face, checking it for injuries, and looking at my eyes, as if she can see into my soul. I feel like I returned from some battle, when I know, I didn't go to one. Lee continues to pepper my face with kisses, as I hold her waist and try to steady her, while giggling from all the kisses. I feel so loved.
"Are we going to stand here or are we going in to eat. Personally, I am starving." A voice shouts. And I instantly know this is not Alice or any of my friends.
As Lee stops peppering my face with kisses and pulls back. I look into Lee's eyes and asks, "you good?" Lee just punches my shoulder.
"I should be asking you that, idiot. You good?" I nod.
"So now that we have settled, we are good, can we eat. There are mouthwatering pizzas calling our names. Please people." The voice shouts and I cannot place whose voice it is.
Finally, as Lee and I start to walk towards the pizza joint, after closing the car door which beeps instantly. I see to my horror, the person, whose voice I just heard. It is none other than Olivia Everett. I look at Lee in disbelief, stunned and maybe a little betrayed. After all, this is also the same person to whom Lee complained recently about going to meet the Millers. I do not know if they talked after that but judging from the fact that we are indeed here. I am going to have to assume they have. And this realization makes me feel sad and betrayed as well. I am not entirely sure why I keep feeling betrayed, but I do and now we have to be here with her, eat and probably spend more time other than just eat. I so do not want to be here.
As we walk in, I see it is only Alice, Lee, myself and that girl, Olivia. Something about her irks me maybe I am jealous of her and Lee's close friendship. Maybe that is why I feel so weird. But I have felt jealous before and I do not remember it to be such a feeling. I am feeling angry, sad, betrayed, disgusted all at the same time. Well, the disgusted thing can be because I was lying on the side of the road. So, I excused myself to the restroom. I took some time to freshen up and look at my reflection, trying to sort out my feelings, which are all jumbled. Not that I am ever so great at untangling them. But this one feel particularly messy.
After some time when I felt I have to leave the restroom, after one last look and renewed strength and courage to face the situation, and my emotions. I stepped out. As soon as I reach our booth, I overhear snippets of a conversation, and this particular line is being delivered by none other than Olivia Everett herself.
"I told you she does not like me."
"She does not have to like you, but you are my best friend, and she gets that. Don't worry you all will be friends in no time, Liv."
All it took is one sentence and I feel everything shattered within me. I am nearby but they are yet to see me. I am really thinking of just walking out and keep walking. But before I can do that, Alice sees me and smiles it me. I just cannot. So, I nod at her and take my designated seat beside Lee. And for some reason, I gloat at that fact. I am sitting beside Lee, not Olivia. And I am her girlfriend not this bitch. Then without thinking or giving Lee a chance to realize what is happening. I turn her to face me and capture her lips in mine to give her the most sensual kiss I can.
I admit, jealousy is a bitch. And I am jealous right now. Extremely jealous and I do not like who I am right now. Yet, I do not plan to stop kissing my girlfriend and show affection as much as I can. After all Lee is my girlfriend, not hers. Even if she wants the title of being Lee's best friend. We both know I deserve it, not her. She is a nobody, we didn't even know about her, till she strolled in on Silver's funeral. Who does that?
Lee moaned as I devoured her mouth. I am aware of the eyes on us. Especially one particular pair which is scrutinizing my every move. When I feel I need oxygen, that's when I finally let go of Lee's lips. Her face is red as she is breathing hard, raggedly. Her eyes are closed while a small smile is plastered on it. I gloat yet again because I did that. That smile is there because of me, her face is red because of the kiss we just shared. And I just pecked her nose then just cause. Lee opens her eyes and gives me a shy smile as she turns to look at the others. Alice is busy covering her face with the menu while Olivia is looking at us, more like me.
"What has gotten into you Kris?" Lee asks. Alice lets out a sound which could be deciphered as a scoff, but then I swiftly kicked her under the table. She glared at me over the menu, while Olivia is looking at me now with an amused expression.
"Looks like someone is jealous. Don't worry Kris. I love my girlfriend way too much to even think about someone else." Olivia tells me while a small smile plays on her lips. I narrow my eyes at her.
"Are you jealous, babe?" Lee asks. And I look at her stunned. She has never called me with an endearing pet name before. And this is the time she chose to call me one that too for the first time. In front of her? I continue to look at Lee. "Oh, come on, why are you jealous? You are my girlfriend, and I love you and only you." Lee said. I give her a side smile. Just then Lee mutters under her breathe, "if anyone should be jealous, it should be me."
I heard her loud and clear. And just like that, my thoughts from earlier came back. But I thought we cleared the air. I told Lee; I am not comparing her to anyone. I tried to show her as well. But it looks like we didn't. Or maybe this will be something that will remain a part of our life for a while, at least for now. That reminds me I want to do something after our graduation. But I need courage, lots of it to do it. Also, I do not think this is just about putting someone in a pedestal or comparing two people. It is about something so much more than that. I feel it is simply about the fact that I love Lee, yet I still love Maize.
But a single person can be in love with two people at the same time, right?