In which Bobby and Lili face the aftermath of Casa Amor. NGL, this one is hurty.
***
"Lass, I need you to know—no. Um, hey, I'm in love with you, but we aren't actually dating, and I got drunk and got a sook from some girl I didn't even like and thought you should know... but hey, well she sounded like you, does that make it better?"
Bobby had been at this for hours on the rooftop terrace, practicing what he'd say to Lili, with ever-worsening results. He scrubbed at his face with frustrated hands. Fuck. His sore eyes throbbed and for what felt like the tenth time, filled with tears.
Get it together, ya fucking jobby. Crying won't make this go away. He swiped at his tears angrily. All the numbness from the day before had evaporated the moment he'd looked at Lili and he wished to fuck that he could go back to being numb.
Every second he didn't explain himself, he was hurting her more, but the right words wouldn't come. He shoved his fingers into his locs and dug them into his skull, hoping the pain would jar something loose. As though he could find some magical words that would only break Lili's heart a little.
Taking a deep breath, he tried again. "So, Lili. I um, I really missed you, but I... What I mean to say is that Casa was a pile of shite and I saw you snog a guy with a stupid mustache—No. Damn it!" He slammed a fist on the bench. "What the fuck do I do?" he whispered. There was no answer to that question. Because he already knew what to do.
Get it over with.
He chewed on that for a few moments and nodded. That was all there was to it. Standing, he smoothed his now riotous locs and covered his swollen eyes with a pair of sunglasses. Right. He was never good with thinking ahead, anyhow. He worked better on his feet. And it hardly mattered if he said it right. All that mattered was that he told her. Everything after that was out of his hands.
Over the edge of the terrace, his eyes immediately found Lili applying sun cream to her arms. She was on the loungers with most of the girls. He couldn't make out what was said, but he could hear her laughter, so lilting and sweet like a song. His chest ached and he took a deep breath, hoping to loosen it.
Fuck, this was so hard.
He made his way downstairs, forcing his leaden feet forward. In the living room, Blake and Shannon were curled up on the sofa.
"I have to apologize to her," Blake murmured to Shannon. "It wasn't right. It's not her fault that Bobby was so..." She trailed off as he passed them.
No time to think about whatever she was going to say. He nodded at them and kept moving.
By the pool, he straightened his spine and approached the loungers. All the girls were watching Hope, who sat on a beach towel, her long legs dangling in the pool. Lucas bobbed in the water between her knees and suddenly grabbed her around the waist, pulling her in with him. She laughed brightly and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Wow I've never seen Hope so... relaxed," Marisol said.
"That's what true love looks like, babes." Chelsea said. "Like Cinderella and, you know, the prince from Cinderella."
"I don't know about that." Priya shook out her hair. "But they've got something special going on."
"She deserves it," Lili said fondly. Her sweet smile nearly did him in and his desire to see it up close breathed air into his lungs, giving him a chance to survive the raw pain and fear he'd been drowning in.
Lottie turned over and started tanning her back. He wasn't sure what the purpose was. Her pale skin seemed completely immune to the sun. "Gary said there was a weather reporter who was perfect for Lucas, but he didn't so much as give her a snog."
He rolled his sore eyes. Siobhan was a makeup company CEO, not a weather reporter. Gary didn't pay attention to anything.
Before he could lose his momentum, he approached the loungers, trying to appear chill. "Looking sweeter than spun sugar, Lil." Her eyes lit up, but her smile was cautious, and it pained him to know that he'd caused it by not sleeping beside her. "Um, I was wondering if we could have a chat?"
She didn't speak for a moment. Apprehension darted across her face, but she gave him one of her best pageant smiles and nodded.
He looked away for a moment, noting the silence of the rest of the girls who were watching them intently. Lili stood up and followed him as he made his way toward the villa. He didn't want to do this on the terrace, where they'd had so many lovely moments. And certainly not the daybeds. The living room was nice and neutral.
As they walked, her hand swung so close to his own, he could have held it, could have threaded his fingers through hers and squeezed three times.
I. Love. You.
It was one of those heartbreakingly romantic gestures he'd always wanted to make. To love someone so much you could communicate it silently and they'd know just what you meant. But he'd never been in love before Lili. Never had the chance.
And now he'd destroyed his chance.
Instead, they walked in silence, his steps heavier and heavier as they made their way inside. He gestured to the yellow couch. She sat, wrapping her arms around her torso, as if to protect herself from what was to come.
"Um..." he drifted off, unsure where to begin. "Casa was hard. I didn't like being apart from you."
Her worried expression softened. "I didn't like it either. You'd think after being with each other twenty-four hours a day, like, that we'd relish the break, but I hated it."
He nodded. "Things felt unsettled with us, and—" He took a deep breath and glanced up at the wall. Instead of the ordinary white wall with the words "my type on paper" stuck to it in neon letters, there was a large flatscreen television. On either side of it were whiteboards on wire stands.
"That's new," he mumbled.
Lili turned. "Oh! I didn't notice all that."
He shook his head, trying to clear away the distraction. "Anyway, I was—"
"Got a text!" Blake's voice sliced through the air like a carving knife.
He bit off a barrage of unkind obscenities.
"I guess we'd better..." Lili stood.
His body wouldn't allow her to walk away. How many more times would he be this close to her? Without thought, he reached for her hand and pulled her to him. "Wait, please."
She stared at their joined hands. "Bobby, I don't understand what's going on with you right now."
"I don't either," he said.
"Texxxxt!" Blake shouted again. "It says for us to go to the living room!"
"Goddammit," he growled. Why was everything so hard in the villa? Lili bit her lip and took a seat beside him, as the wildebeest stampede of islanders rushed into the room.
Gary plopped beside him and slapped him on the back. "Alright, Bobbo?"
He glanced over at Lili feeling defeated. "Right as summer rain on River Kelvin, pal."
On the other couch, Lucas draped an arm casually over Hope's shoulder. His fingers made delicate circles on her skin and she laughed. "That tickles!"
"You like it." Lucas chuckled and pressed a kiss to her temple.
Bobby felt a surge of envy. He looked at Lili who was biting her lip and staring down at her lap. Fuck this was awful timing, as always.
Blake and Elijah stared at their phones before heading to the front of the room, taking places in front of the white boards.
"Quiet down," Blake called out. "Please." The mood was jovial but chaotic, and no one quieted. Blake tried a few more times, and looked at Elijah, who shrugged. Her face turned crimson, and her brows drew together. She shoved two fingers in her mouth and released a piercing whistle.
The volume decreased slightly as a few people glanced up at her. Blake waved her phone in the air. "It's about Casa Amor!"
Silence landed like a grenade. Everyone sat up straighter. "What does it say?" Noah asked.
"It just says, 'Team Casa Amor on the blue sofa, team O.G. Villa on the yellow one,'" she read. Everyone moved to switch seats. Lili untangled her hand from his and was grabbed by Chelsea who pulled her into a joyful hug as she sat beside her.
Once everyone settled into their respective teams, Elijah held up his phone and pursed his lips, as if he were posing for a stock photo. "I guess it's my turn. It says, 'Islanders, get ready to find out what happens when the cat's away. Time for today's challenge. #thisaintvegas #whathappensincasa.'"
Bobby's stomach sank. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Oh wow," Elijah said, his "Blue Steel" slipping. "They'll be showing clips from the two villas, and the opposing team will have to choose what they think happened next. Team with the most points gets a big prize. There are little money bag emojis after that."
No one perked up at the idea of such a prize. Heavy stares were traded, and the girls shifted uncomfortably, as did the boys. Even Jakub looked a little apprehensive, which did nothing for Bobby's sudden surge of anxiety.
"The first question is for Team Casa Amor," Blake said.
The television screen lit up, showing the sun glowing on platinum hair. Emily.
Bobby's stomach dropped to his toes and his vision went blurry just seeing her. Waves of self-hatred crashed into his shore, churning panic in the wake. What else would they show? Was this it? Would Lili find out before he could tell her?
He could hardly focus on the screen as Emily flirted outrageously with Rahim, blinking her big eyes at him, and making cringe single entendres while he handed her a golf club. The scene paused and three choices appeared on the screen.
Did Rahim:
A. Tell her how he likes his club held?
B: Show her how to putt?
C: Walk away embarrassed?
D: Compliment Emily's form awkwardly and embarrass her?
The girls, along with Elijah and Graham, huddled close and talked amongst themselves. Graham crossed his arms. "It's C, right? That feels like Ibrahim from what I've seen of the show."
"It's definitely D," Lottie said.
Priya shook her head. "No. I know Rahim. It's B." Beside Bobby, Rahim shifted, clearly embarrassed at everyone discussing his lack of game.
Finally, they broke apart. Hope, ever the leader, took charge. "We're going with B!"
The screen kicked on again, showing Rahim as he gave Emily putting tips. The team cheered as Elijah put a mark on their scoreboard and Rahim covered his face with his hands and groaned.
"Alright." Elijah put his thumb and forefinger on his chin, as though he were deep in thought as he read his phone. "Next question is for the O.G. Villa."
The image on the screen showed the girls huddled around a tablet. Gary's voice came through loud and clear from it. "I tell you what, mate. I'd take any of these girls home to my nan."
Beside him, Gary stiffened.
On the screen, Chelsea's ordinarily sun-shiny smile flipped upside down. "What the hell, Gary? Which one of those girls are you taking to see your nan?!"
Marisol attempted to console her, but she was having none of it. She demanded for it to be played again, and her expression grew even stormier than before. "I just can't believe this! How could Gary do this to me? His nan, babe. His nan! He may as well have proposed to one of them!" At that, the clip paused.
Did Chelsea:
A. Cry?
B. Vow to never speak to Gary again?
C. Drink some Prosecco and relax?
D. Have a screaming meltdown?
The boys gathered close. Bobby was drowning in a sea of terror and barely heard the conversation. The huddle broke and they had apparently chosen C.
The screen lit up to show Chelsea storming out of the room, slamming doors, and shouting bleeped curse words. She yanked the drawer out of a nightstand and chucked it across the room, with a scream. Strange things went flying, a cork, socks, a blob of green mush. She kicked them across the room, cursing Gary into oblivion.
Elijah's brows drew tightly together as he stared at the now blank screen. He shot a look at Chelsea that seemed equal parts confusion and hurt. After a moment, he shook his head. "Sorry, O.G. Villa, that's the wrong answer."
With each subsequent video, a band tightened around Bobby's chest. They showed Blake falling and getting injured. Lottie and Kassam kissing, which caused Gary to cross his arms and stare morosely at the floor. They showed Jakub slobbering all over Amber, after which Priya fixed Jakub with a look. But the big guy shrugged and smirked at her. After that, they showed Priya talking to a blue-haired guy. The girls gasped and someone said, "Oh god, Priya no." Priya didn't react as the boys got it right. She did in fact make out with that guy. She locked eyes with Jakub, giving him a shrug and a smirk. They stared at each other for a moment and then the both of them began laughing.
Jakub almost never laughed. It was startling.
But Bobby was dying inside. With every video his dread increased, until it was hard to breathe. What the fuck was he going to do? What could he say? They hadn't shown a single scene with him in it, and it felt intentional. Cold sweat broke out on his forehead.
They were waiting for the big reveal.
On the screen, Noah sat in the kitchen, blithering to Gary. "What am I supposed to think after seeing that video?"
"You're not supposed to think anything," Gary said. "I know you fancy her, but she's never had eyes for anyone but Bobs."
Noah sighed heavily. "No. There's something there. You didn't see her after the recoupling. I-we... some part of her wants to try this with me."
A scoffing noise erupted from the other couch. Lili crossed her arms and pierced the here-and-now Noah with a look of utter disdain.
The video continued. "Maybe." Gary shifted uncomfortably. "But it hardly matters if some part of her wants it. Because the part of her that speaks told you she didn't, right?" Noah nodded. "Alright then. Video or no video, it's past time to let her go." The screen froze.
Did Noah then:
A. Dirty dance with Blake and kiss her?
B. Ask Blake for a chat?
C. Get advice from Rahim?
D. Twerk on the daybeds for Blake's amusement?
"Oh god, what is it with Noah twerking all the damned time?" Lottie asked.
Everyone began discussing it, but Chelsea sat back, looking confused. "What video?"
"Huh?" Elijah asked.
"They said something about a video," Chelsea said, gesturing to the television. "I don't know what they're talking about."
"Hmm, Chelsea might be right," Marisol mused. "How can we guess Noah's actions when we don't even know what they're referencing?"
All eyes turned toward them. Gary scowled. "Um, we're not helping you lot!" The rest of the guys nodded in agreement.
A soft sigh erupted from their side of the room. "The boys got a video just like you girls did," Blake said. "It showed Lili kissing someone else, I think."
Lili's bronze skin drained of color. She opened and closed her mouth but didn't make any sound. Her eyes shot to his, but he couldn't look at her, not knowing what was coming.
"Blake, we're not supposed to talk about that," Noah admonished.
"And Lili wouldn't do that," Chelsea said firmly. "She's loyal."
Lili remained silent and Priya sat up straighter. "Oh-ho, did the angel lose her halo?"
"No. Arjun kissed her," Hope said. "She was loyal."
Priya pulled a face and sat back. "Of course she was."
Lottie laughed. "I knew that sentient mustache wouldn't keep his hands to himself. Was he a good kisser at least?"
"Was Kassam?" Lili asked sharply.
"Very good," Lottie said, smirking.
Lili took a slow deep breath. "Bobby, I neve—"
"How come you didn't tell me about Arjun?" Chelsea huffed.
Lili's voice was wobbly and unsure. He couldn't stop himself from glancing at her. She stared down at her lap. "Because it didn't matter," she said softly.
He shifted his gaze to the television. His lungs felt compressed and his breathing slow and shallow. It was coming now. She would find out that what he'd done was so much worse. It wasn't some smooch. It mattered.
The girls must have made a decision. And they appeared to have gotten it wrong as they watched Noah dance with Blake and then lay a kiss on her.
Blake looked at her phone. "Alright, this is for Team Casa Amor."
The screen lit up and Bobby's entire body went cold. His own freckled face filled the screen as he downed a drink. Then another one. Then another. The camera then cut to him and Noah, standing toe to toe. He was yelling about Lili. Noah was sniping back. It was less of a scene and more of a montage of his drunken behavior. Humiliation burned bright and hot in his veins.
The video shifted to him sitting on the daybed, downing whisky. They were going to show it. Dear god, they were really going to show it. He sat there, trapped in a vice of his own design, slowly squeezing the air from his lungs.
On unsteady feet, Emily wandered over and sat beside him on the screen. There was no volume. Or maybe there was, and he couldn't hear it over the sound of the vice tightening, and the cracking of his ribs.
He took a shuddering incomplete breath. He couldn't do this. Couldn't be there when it broke Lili's heart and he wouldn't even be able to claim some moral high ground of having told her face to face.
Spots dotted his vision. He shot off the couch and fled the room, blindly stumbling up the stairs. Far in the background he could almost hear Lili say his name, but he didn't stop. He threw open the door to the terrace and took huge gulping breaths that seemed to let no air in. His whole body shook as tears, frustration, and pain drizzled down his face.
He dropped onto the bench. This was what he was. What he'd always be. A fuckup. He was handed the most amazing girl in the whole world, and he couldn't hold onto her. He was such an idiot.
"Bobby?" Lili's voice was so soft it felt more like a breeze than sound.
His back tightened and he wiped at his eyes. She sat beside him, her own gaze full of pain. She knew. She knew now.
"I'm so—" her breath hitched. "I'm so sorry."
Confusion clouded his brain. "Lil, what—"
"I didn't—Arjun kissed me and —"
He shook his head, "No, I know, it's not abou—"
"Please." Her eyes shone with misery. "I knew he was going to, and I didn't stop it."
"It's not about that," he said. But it was like she couldn't hear him.
"I kissed him back. It was only for a few seconds, I swear. I didn't mean to hurt you. It was just... you were all I could think about. An endless obsession and I had no... no perspective on it. When it happened, I had a moment to breathe, like. To see us more clearly. I didn't want him. Not the way I wanted you. And now I've messed everything up. That's why you've been so... I understand why you don't want to be with me anymore—"
"It's not about the fucking video!" The words ripped out of him, leaving a jagged wound behind. "Not really."
The sun blazed down on them, leaving the entire villa in a haze of burning light. "What did I do, then?" she whispered.
She hadn't seen. She didn't know.
Fucking hell.
"You didn't do anything. It's me. I—" He pressed his hands together. They were sweating so much he feared they'd make a horrid noise as they met. "When you were gone, I was a mess already. Worried about you and Noah and... and that video came..."
"You said it wasn't—"
"I'm not going to use it as an excuse. I can't..." he rubbed his damp hand over his mouth. Everything tasted like copper. As though he were still sobbing over the loo into his own sick. "After the video, I was convinced that you'd moved on and that you didn't want me. I was upset. And I..." His stomach began twisting as if it'd invented its own dance. "I was with another girl."
She blinked a few times before she registered what he meant. Her breath caught. She looked upward at the colorful inferno in the sky and her chest jerked as if she were struggling to find her own breath again. "You—You had sex with someone else?"
"Yes? No? Yes. It was..." Bile rose in his throat. "It was intimate."
She squeezed her eyes tightly closed. "Did you kiss her?"
"Lil, don't—"
"Did you kiss her?" she asked again. The words ripped from her core.
"Yes."
She nodded. "Were you both naked?"
"No."
"Did you go dow—" the sentence stuck in her throat.
"No! No. I didn't. It was just..." He slumped over, resting his elbows on his thighs. "She did that... to me."
She stood and moved nearer to the railing, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. He felt that distance like physical pain. "Why didn't you bring her back?" she asked.
"Because it wasn't like that. I didn't want to be with her, and she didn't want to be with me. We were both upset and drunk and..." He raked a hand through his locs. "I never meant to hurt you, either."
"So, you've been ignoring me, and making me feel like I did something wrong, because..."
"Because I have never felt so disgusted with myself as I am right now, and I didn't know how to tell you. I just...you deserve better. You deserve better than me. You always did."
"No!" She slammed her hand down on the railing and squeezed it until her knuckles paled. "You always do that. Don't tell me what I deserve or don't deser—" She threw her hand over her mouth and turned away, her body curling into itself. The rough gasps that came with her tears stole his breath, too. It was torture. He couldn't stand not holding her. He got up and folded her into his arms. It was almost worse that she didn't step away. Didn't deny him the gift of comforting her. She wrapped her arms around him, crying into his chest. Taking her solace from the person who'd hurt her the most. He'd never felt so low in his life. He was trash. He was less than trash.
He cried too, whispering useless, anemic apologies, his tears dribbling into her soft curls.
After a few minutes, her sobs quieted, and she pushed at him. "I can't—I have to..." She backed away. Her eyes were swollen and haunted. It felt like she wanted him to say something, but there were no words left to say. While she'd been learning that she wanted him, he'd been destroying them. She'd tried to hand him her heart and he'd shattered it like sugar glass.
As the silence dragged on, she nodded as if he'd communicated exactly what she expected. Moving slowly, she sat on the bench and stared off into the distance. "Do one, la. I can't speak to you any more today."
He couldn't go yet. Even though it hurt, and it was all awful, walking away meant never being this close to her again. The pain of it cut deep inside of him. "Lili..."
Her desolate eyes flashed like dry thunder in need of a storm. "No more, Bobby. Not now."
He stepped backward, his shaking knees barely keeping him upright. With every step away from her, he would lose more and more of what they had. With every centimetre he put between them, she would start building up the guard that began with her smile earlier. Until her eyes were distant, and she'd give him nothing but pageant smiles and surface laughter that didn't sing from her soul. She'd be hurting behind a closed door, and he'd be on the other side of it, wishing he could find his way in.
But there was nothing he could do. No way to hold onto what was already lost. So he turned, forcing his feet forward.
He'd been too close to the sun. He'd reached out and touched the fire. And somehow, he'd burned it before it could burn him. Now he was free-floating away from the light into the vast inky blackness of space and he deserved it, because he'd cut his own damned line.
Gripping the handle, he took a pained breath and walked away, shutting the door behind him.
**
That night, Bobby dreamt of selkies.
He used to read to his sister from a book of fairy stories and she always loved the selkies best. Sleek and beautiful seals that would leave the sea and remove their skins, transforming into graceful women who danced at the shore all night.
In his dream, a seal came from the sea. She shed her slick bronze seal skin and beneath it she was rounded and beautiful, her curls cascading around her face, her legs already kicking out into a dance, too entranced by the beat of the ocean waves against the shore and the spotlight of the moon, to hide her magical skin. He'd come to the shore to sit in the sand and watch the sunrise, but instead he watched her, entranced as she moved further and further away from her skin, lost in the dance. Her body shimmering as if the waves lived beneath her flesh.
It only took a moment for him to fall in love with her. And he wept at that knowledge, because she belonged to the sea. In his heartache, he slept and when he awoke, she was no longer dancing, but frantically digging at the ground beneath the shore.
Her seal skin was gone, and she could not shapeshift or return to the sea without it. So, he searched with her, his hands brushing hers beneath the warm summer sand. They combed every centimetre of beach and stones and caves. Distraught, she cried in his arms, so he took her to his house. There, he fed her lavish meals and kissed her and made love to her, and she clung to him, because she couldn't go home.
And one day, while she slept, he returned to the beach to watch the sunrise, and there was her skin, washed up on the shore, shining like liquid metal and throbbing like a broken heart.
His own heart sank knowing that he couldn't keep her with him. And so, he folded it up and hid it. "Just one more day," he told himself. Then he'd let her go. But day after day, he didn't. He stroked her and loved her, knowing that he was meant to lose her. And every day she lost her shine. The glimmer beneath her skin. She quit dancing and spent hours at the seashore, gazing into the waves.
One day, he returned home and found her sitting in the dark on the floor, weeping into the skin she'd found beneath his floorboards.
"You didn't love me enough," she said. "If you had loved me enough, you would have let me go."
He knew it was true. So he bundled her up and took her back to the ocean. It was a cold morning and he shivered. Wanting her warmth, he pulled her into a final embrace, but she wriggled from him and slid on her skin, pulling it tight until his beautiful girl was gone and in her place was a slick dark seal that slid into the water and frolicked in the waves. Joy radiated from her as she disappeared into the surf, already forgetting him as she left him to his unending grief.
Bobby awoke with a gasp, as if he'd just risen from the water himself. The pain of his dream still aching deep in his chest. He breathed out slowly and sat. All around him were the sounds of early morning. The sun hadn't woken up yet, but the birds were calling to it.
It took a few seconds to realize that he wasn't alone. Lili was there at the edge of the daybed—their daybed—with her back to him, arms poised as if she were getting ready to rise. How long had she been there?
"Lil?"
"We weren't exclusive." Her voice was hoarse. She didn't turn to look at him.
"What?" His brain took a moment to catch up. When it did, his heart twisted itself nearly in two
"We weren't exclusive," she repeated. "We weren't anything. And I'm the one who left us up in the air. I'm the one who couldn't let go of what happened before."
He wished he could see her face. "No, you're not to blame and I'm not letting you take any of that on."
She turned toward him. Her eyes and lips were swollen from tears, and she was still the most beautiful human he'd ever seen.
"Please be quiet," she said.
He clamped his lips together.
"Your choices are yours and they're not my responsibility. But I'm aware of my part in it and I'm sorry that I left you feeling so unsure. I— I know..." She shook her head. "That's all I wanted to say."
What did it mean? What did he want it to mean? He scrambled out of the bedding and sat beside her. She stared down at her lap, as if she couldn't bring herself to stand up.
He released a shuddering breath. "This was all me, Lil. I just, with you I felt..." He wanted to tell her the truth of it. Of the deep well of loathing that he couldn't drag himself out of. But he couldn't even think of how to begin that conversation. "I'm sorry, lass."
"I know."
They sat there quietly. Tears began gliding down her cheeks and the grief from the dream seemed so small compared to the pain he felt in the real world. He tentatively reached over and brushed them away and she leaned into his hand. She met his eyes, but he couldn't read the rushing, crashing emotions in them.
"Kiss me," she whispered. "I've been waiting for your kiss for almost five days."
He couldn't say no. Couldn't stop his hands from threading into her curls. Couldn't stop his mouth from claiming hers in a way he never let himself do before. He could taste her tears. He'd tasted them more times than he should have. And with them, he could taste her pain. Her need to bring back what they'd had. And he could taste just how empty the effort would be. There was no going back.
But he couldn't stop this. Every atom in his body wanted her. Every part of her. Insides and outsides. More than he wanted air and water and food. He loved her. He loved her so much that if he let himself dwell on it, his body would quake with the force of the storm she left inside of him.
He didn't deserve her though. Not now. Not ever.
But he couldn't say no.
He kissed her until her hands were tugging at his pyjamas and his were beneath her top. Until she was whimpering, and he swept the covers over their heads. He kissed her everywhere and loved her everywhere. Until he'd made her come once, twice, three times. Until he was deep inside of her, feeling pain and emptiness even as the fireworks filled him up and burst out of him. Until he was biting his tongue until it bled, just so he wouldn't tell her that he loved her. That she was the most precious, amazing person he'd ever known. That the thought of living without her filled him with a terror and loneliness he'd never known before. That he was hers. That she was his
And that none of that would be enough.
She knew it too.
He could feel it in the way she was curled in his arms afterward. She wasn't really there. Her mind miles away, and the hands that used to cradle him so reverently, were tucked between them like a shield.
He kissed her forehead. Her skin was warm and dewy, but he kept his lips there, pressed to her skin, just savoring the taste of her. The texture of her. Sunshine and soft skin. Or at least that's what she'd been, before he'd burned her light out.
Now she felt cold. Like the sting of a sudden winter chill that numbs you head to toe.
The longer they lay there, the worse it felt. The distance and the silence painful, knowing that just a week ago, they could have talked about anything. Or said nothing. And it would have felt like heaven either way.
Finally, her phone buzzed. She glanced at it and sighed, pulling away from him. Sitting up, she searched for her clothes and shimmied them on beneath the covers. It was only as she climbed out of bed did his slow brain realize that she hadn't been wearing pyjamas. She had on a plain t-shirt and a pair of shorts.
Something was wrong. Panic clung to him like a second skin as she pulled her hair into a messy ponytail and slipped her graceful feet into a pair of sandals.
He didn't want to ask. He couldn't ask because his heart suspected that he already knew the answer. "Lil?"
"I wish that we—" She shook her head, her lips pressed tightly together. "I'm leaving," she said, finally.
No. She had to be there. She had to stay with him. Even if they weren't together, he needed the remnants of her light to stave off his own dark.
He scrambled to get his pyjamas on and shot out of bed. She was already making her way into the villa. He followed behind her, stumbling over his feet as he tried to keep up. She headed down the long hallway off the living room. Like a flashing alarm, her bright pink roller suitcase sat by the front doors.
"You don't have to do this," he said, his breath shallow and uneven.
She stared out the door. "Yes I do."
"But I—I don't want you to go."
She turned to look at him and nothing cut him as deep as the emptiness in her eyes. "There's no more point to being here. I found what I came for. But it wasn't—" She shook her head. "There's just no point."
The headlights of a jeep flashed through the doors, making Bobby blink through the tears that felt like they'd never stop.
"I'm so sorry." He reached for her and cupped her jaw. She looked up at him and her dark eyes narrowed to slits. She jerked away from his hand.
"You're always so fucking sorry." She grabbed the handle of her suitcase and turned away from him. "What's that worth?"
"Nothing," he whispered.
She nodded and pushed open the door. He followed behind. The gravel cut into the soles of his feet, but the pain was a welcome reprieve from the breaking of his heart.
The driver came around and took the suitcase from her, placing it in the back of the Jeep. She murmured a thank you and turned to Bobby. Her lips tightened and released and tightened again, as if she were holding back all the words she wanted to say. After a moment, she let out a bitter laugh. "You kept asking me after the first day, why I chose Rahim and not you. Do you remember?"
He nodded, barely knowing why this mattered now.
"It was because the moment I saw you, it was like... I was yours. Before I even knew your name." Her eyes were bleak with a grief that burned into his bones. "And I knew that you were going to break my heart."
What should have been the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard, was like a bomb going off inside his heart. She'd been his. She'd always been his. And he'd never let himself believe it. "I—" he stepped closer, willing to take anything, even the heat of her rage turning him to ash, as long as he could be near her for another moment. "I love you, Lil," he whispered. Those words, the ones that had refused to make an appearance when it would have mattered, now came as easily as breathing.
She stared down at her hands, twisting them together. "Not enough, Bobby." She gave a choked sob that crushed what was left of his heart. "Not enough."
Then, beautiful and ephemeral as a selkie, Lili slipped away into the darkness and was gone.
**CHAPTER END**
NOTE FROM THE WRITER:
If you're still here after three months of TSIME silence from me, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I've struggled a lot with the emotions of this chapter, so hopefully you didn't hate it too much. Honestly it hurt to write so I can only imagine how it feels to read it.
I'm taking a two month break from the story after this, because I've been stressing about it daily for months. But I will return refreshed and with some interesting new chapters that are already outlined. Rest assured, I ain't done. We're finishing this fic. Anyway, thank you thank you thank you for sticking with me 💓
If you're looking for other material from me in the meantime, check my profile I wrote a disturbingly fluffy Jakub one-shot, as well as a just plain disturbing Lucas one, and there's a sweet Seb one-shot on its way soon.
Oh, heres the TSIME spotify playlist, in case you want it: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0FMiCOObUf4c7mRUBDqj6M?si=b761eae311bc477e
And this mashup of Falling and Cardigan was on repeat while I wrote and rewrote and rewrote this chapter: https://youtu.be/SJPHaJFeZhY