I arose in bed disoriented and rubbed my sleepy eyes before turning on the side table lamp. Rylan's twitching in her sleep, her breaths short and loud. It's been a while since the last time, but I think she avoids sleeping because of her nightmares. I reached for the collar of her shirt and felt the dampness.
"Rylan," I whispered and tugged on her shirt. However, she didn't wake up only turned her head in the opposite direction. Uneasiness sped up my heart as she became more distressed.
"Ry, wake up," I shook her entire body as I raised my voice.
"Rylan!" I shouted this time, but an unexpected hand on my throat forced me down. I opened my mouth as air wouldn't go into my lungs. A pair of blue dark eyes stared me down as Rylan straddled me.
"Ry," I managed to say as the lack of air made my vision start to blur. I gasped for air as she let the tight grip on my throat go. Rylan rolled out of bed as I rubbed the sore skin.
"I'm okay," I tried to speak and Rylan looked around in utter confusion. Then, she turned to me with a pained expression. Her mouth opens and closening as she can't find the words. My chest raised and heaved as I'd never been so scared in my entire life. When I finally calmed down, I stepped out of bed in her direction, but she raised her hand. I stopped and Rylan stared endlessly down at the floor in deep thought.
"I'm fine," I said and rubbed my chest right above my heart as it wouldn't calm down. The last time I saw her like this was when she had her mental breakdown at her family home. She stands in the middle of the floor with regret and hurt written all over her face. I have never seen anything so agonizing before.
"Ry," I took a step forward, but she moved backward.
"Look at me," I said, but she closed her eyes hard and shook her head. So I breathed in and out deeply and waited patiently. But, her eyes never shifted. She's stuck somewhere far away, punishing herself. Eventually, she walked towards the bedroom door.
"No," I said as I went after her into the living room and reached the back of her shirt. She turned and grabbed my wrist to make me let her go.
"I'm fine, okay," I told her, but she clenched her jaw tightly and still never looked at me as if it was a curse to do so. A lump in the back of my throat and an uncomfortable pressure behind my eyes made me rub my face in frustration. Rylan pressed her lips tight together before she turned to open the door to exit the apartment.
"Look at me!" I demanded as tears slipped down my cheeks. She stopped in the middle of the hallway right after laying her hand on the door handle for her apartment. Rylan bent her head forward as her body shook.
"Please," I begged as she stood there for a while. But she never did as she went inside and locked the door behind her without one look. I closed my eyes as pained tears slid down my cheeks. It felt like every bone in my body vanished as I fell to my knees. I dried my wet cheeks as everything went hallow.
As time passed, I realized Rylan would not come out any moment or perhaps the rest of the day. I decided to go back inside to take a long, warm shower and let the water wash over me as well as the images of what happened. Everything went so fast. Rylan had another nightmare and out of nowhere, she straddled me with a tight grip around my throat. I could nearly breathe, and I can still feel her fingertips dug into my skin. The look on her face, so filled with anger and eyes so dark, wicked. I have never seen anything like it before. I was scared. I'm not going to deny that, but I know she didn't do it on purpose. Rylan would never do that. She would never hurt me.
I sat down on the floor and brushed the water off my face, probably still mixed with some tears. That look of guilt and shame on her face after she realized what she had done. It was horrible to watch and I can't make the image go away. She doesn't deserve this pain. Hopefully, she isn't punishing herself, but as I have come to understand her, it's all she ever does. The guilt always eats at her, taking all the good parts away.
The day went by slowly as I made it pass by laying in bed, on the couch and opening and closing my apartment door. I've lost my patience and I'm worried to the point I've now walked back and forth for what feels like forever now. Finally, I bit my lip and found my way over the hallway and knocked on her door. I tipped on my toes and tapped my fingers against the side of my thighs. Then, I knocked once again but harder.
"Rylan," I leaned my forehead against the door and sighed in defeat.
"Please," I pleaded and closed my eyes, knowing that she isn't going to open the door. The only thing I want is to know if she is okay or not. I guess I don't have a choice than to give her more time.