Blitz: I need 28 lightbulbs for 28 ducks.
Hearth: Ducks can’t eat lightbulbs?
Magnus: I think that’s the point.
Blitz: Exactly. I want my ducks to glow so I can find them.
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Hearth: Blitz and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.
Magnus: What did you do?
Hearth: They chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-
Blitz: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?
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Blitz: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
Magnus: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
Blitz: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
Hearth: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?
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Blitz: So, Hearth is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night.
Magnus: Why?
Blitz: Because I've caught them trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row.
Hearth, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.
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Magnus: Hey, Hearth, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?
Blitz: Yeah.
Magnus: And you, Blitz?
Blitz: Umm... yes?
Magnus: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!
Blitz: Did they just-
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Blitz: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult here.
Magnus: Hearth is 70% of your impulse control and you know this Blitz.
Hearth: I feel like Blitz is the more responsible one of us two though.
Blitz: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.
Hearth: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other’s hands so the other doesn’t fall off.
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Magnus: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Hearth, used to Magnus being dumb: Sure...
Magnus: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
Hearth: Okay?
Magnus: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
Hearth:
Magnus: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-
Hearth: Jesus, that one is a little-
Blitz, interested: No, no, Magnus, keep going
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Magnus: I’m not a doctor I’m a medic.
Hearth: What’s the difference then?
Magnus: Well doctors actually save lives, medics just make you feel more comfortable as you die.
Blitz: Note to self; never get shot.
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Hearth: I just had a long talk with Magnus and Blitz about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Something crashes*
Blitz: Shoot-
Magnus: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?!
Hearth: *walking by the room calmly* What died?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*playing twister*
Magnus: Right hand red.
Hearth: *ends up on top of Blitz*
Blitz: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
Magnus: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.
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Magnus: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Hearth recently.
Blitz: No, Magnus, it's not what it looks like, I swear.
Magnus: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?
Blitz: No! You’re the only one for me.
Magnus: Is that so?
Blitz: I promise! Hearth and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.
Magnus: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
Blitz: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!
Magnus: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?
Blitz: Of course bro!
Magnus: Bro...
Hearth: What the-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth, talking to Blitz: Well Blitz, whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘would Magnus do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.
Blitz: …
Magnus, from the distance: They’re not wrong though!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus, watching power lines fall down: Blitz, Hearth! The town is exploding and it's very pretty!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?
Magnus: I feel like we've all done that at least once.
Hearth: I ate it too-
Magnus: See?
Hearth: -On purpose...
Blitz & Magnus: ...What?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Magnus way.
Blitz: Isn't that the wrong way?
Hearth: Yes, but it's faster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: And here we see Hearth and Blitz in their natural habitat. Texting eachother variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make eachother laugh.
Hearth: Gaelic bread.
Blitz: Grueling brad.
Hearth: Ha ha, glamorous beans.
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Blitz: Define “dream”.
Hearth: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works.
Magnus: That’s too dark!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!
Hearth: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!
*During the play*
Magnus: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?
Blitz: W-what’re donuts?
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Blitz: Where are my fucking keys?
Hearth: Blitz, Magnus is around, can you say it a little nicer?
Blitz: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth: *yawns*
Blitz: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.
Hearth: Then you must be exhuasted.
Magnus: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.
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Blitz: I feel like Hearth is looking down on me.
Magnus: That’s because they’re on the counter and you’re short.
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Blitz: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…
Magnus: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.
Blitz: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…
Hearth: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz: If you water water, it grows.
Hearth: ...What.
Magnus: They've got a point.
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Magnus: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.
Blitz: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.
*Hearth walks in*
Blitz: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: Can we go out to get icecream?
Blitz: Did you ask Hearth?
Magnus: They said no.
Blitz: Then why did you ask me?
Magnus: They're not the boss of you.
Blitz, internally: It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap.
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Hearth: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body.
Blitz: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot.
Hearth: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
Magnus: Hmm... I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth: What would Blitz think?
Magnus: Ok, that’s an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told them?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz: There's no way they like me back.
Magnus: Hearth would throw themself in front of a moving car for you.
Blitz: Hearth would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz: So how’s the food Hearth made?
Magnus: It's great! Compliments to them.
Blitz: *goes to the kitchen*
Blitz: You're adorable.
Hearth: *blushes*
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Hearth: Where are you going?
Blitz: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!
Hearth: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!
Magnus, knowing full well that Hearth got Blitz an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: That shirt looks great, Blitz.
Blitz: Thanks.
Magnus: But I bet it would look even better on Hearth's floor.
Hearth: Are you hitting on Blitz... for me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: H-how do you ask someone out?
Blitz: Well, first-
Hearth: Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.
Magnus: ...And you said yes?
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Blitz: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!
Hearth: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Magnus, go find out if that thing can catch fire!
Blitz: You're a bad influence.
Hearth: And you don't know your sayings.
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Hearth: Which way did Magnus go?
Blitz: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess they went left.
Hearth: You could really figure it out from that?
Blitz: No, you idiot, Magnus sent me a text.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!
Blitz: It's kind of complicated, but Magnus-
Hearth: Got it. Forget I asked.
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Blitz: Self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath or putting on a lot of make up if you like that, or taking a nice warm nap and stuff like that basically.
Hearth: Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists. self care is the fear in your enemies eyes.
Magnus: Self care is stealing someones birthday cake just to eat the frosting.
Hearth: If you touch my birthday cake I’ll make you eat your hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth, at Magnus: Would you like to stay for dinner?
Blitz, from the kitchen: Would you like to stay forever!?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz, rushing into the room: It’s terrible, just terrible! I am so upset!
Hearth: Blitz, honey, sit down! Sweetheart, tell us all about it. Magnus, would you get Blitz some water?
Magnus: What are they gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, “Thank God, the water’s here!”?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth to Magnus: First rule of battle, little one... don’t ever let them know where you are.
Blitz, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
Hearth: 'Course, there’re other schools of thought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: *pitches an idea*
Hearth, impressed: Huh, there might actually be something here!
Blitz, under their breath: Yeah, a lawsuit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz: You can track Magnus?
Hearth: Of course I can. If the NSA can do it, so can I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: I lost Blitz.
Hearth: How did you LOSE Blitz?!
Magnus: To be fair, they are very small.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: Ooh, somebody has a crush
Blitz: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Hearth I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them.
*Later that night*
Blitz, very much awake: Uh oh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hearth: The ritual. To preform it requires a sacrifice.
Magnus: Sacrifice? I nominate Blitz.
Blitz: Wait, what?
Magnus: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.
Blitz: I'm 5'9, it's like average height in most of the world!
Hearth: Its not that kind of of sacrifice guys!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: Why is Blitz crying?
Hearth: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-
Blitz: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!
Magnus: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say-
Blitz: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!
Magnus: NO, NOT THAT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Magnus: Who knew getting in trouble would be so impossible?
Blitz: I gotta give you credit, Hearth. You make it look easy.
Hearth: Years of practice.
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Blitz: There was a motor close to where I am right now.
Hearth: A motor- a motorcycle?
Blitz: Oh sorry, a murder.
Magnus: That escalated quickly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blitz: It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.
Hearth, blushing: Okay.
Magnus: It's fucking summer.
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Bonus:
Alex: is Magnus always like this when they lose?
Hearth: Oh yes.
Blitz: You should have seen the great Jenga tantrum of 2015
Magnus: yoU BUMPED THAT TABLE AND YOU KNOW IT!