★
V A U G H N
"You shouldn't have done that, idiot," Thea scowls over the phone. "You made me look even worse than before to her. You know how much she hates me—"
"She doesn't hate you, Willows," I cut her off in a sharp tone. Hearing the 'she' with 'hate' in the same sentence irks me.
She hates me too now. Again.
"Yeah, and the sun rises in the west..." I can practically see her rolling her eyes as she speaks. "When will you stop sacrificing your happiness for no reason? The important thing is that she said she will accept my son. Wasn't that enough for you?"
"I did what I had to do, Thea. She wasn't safe with me. I can't put her in danger anymore just because she's married to me."
"Vaughn, this isn't healthy," the annoying lady over the phone argues. "You need her. She needs you. You two are meant for each other."
"Forget it," I grunt, playing with a button of my suit as I recline in my chair. "Tell me about him. How's he doing?"
"The painkillers are making him sleep all the time," she sighs. "His hand seems to be returning to senses though...but the doctor said he can't go to school and he's worried about that."
"Tell him I'll take care of school. He knows how much I love him."
"Yeah, he knows that..."
Her voice drops to a low tone and I can hear the familiar hurt in it along with the hesitation in her breathing. I have gotten so used to Thea Willows bringing herself down that I have a special sixth sense when it comes to her feelings. Her heart is covered by a layer of emotionless void but the inside is full of unsung feelings.
"Hey, mind tell me what's troubling you?"
"It's you, Vaughn," she answers quickly, knowing that ignoring my question won't affect my stance. "I can't see you like this. You know how much I care for you. You've been with me through thick and thin...I...I feel like I have taken too much of you. I feel guilty..."
"Willows...shut up, okay? Just stop talking..." I tell her, my voice gentle but my words strong. "I didn't do anything for you. You were always on your feet. You're an amazing woman, Willows, and I wouldn't want any more than that. You gave me him."
"But it doesn't mean that you can't have a family of your own."
"I do have a family of my own," I exhale with a sigh. "I have my mom and Rose."
"You know that's not what I meant," Thea mumbles. "Anyways, I don't bother arguing with you nowadays. Just keep me updated on your stupid decisions. Luv ya, bye!"
"Bye."
I cut the call and throw the phone on the desk with a thud. I lean on the desk, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands. The ache in my head builds up. It has been there since the time Claire left. I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly. Every time I look at my phone, I keep fighting the urge to call her. Just to hear her voice.
But I can't call her. Calling her would show her that I care and being cared for by me would put her in danger. I need her to be safe more than I need to live.
"Boss?"
I lift my head to see Jake Gallagher standing by the door. He is in his usual costume except opting for a grey shade of outfit this time. He has some files in his hands and raises his hand to show them to me.
"Come in." I lean back in the chair and loosen my tie as Jake walks in.
"You asked me to sort these out. I just got it done." He places the files on the desk and withdraws his hand unsteadily.
How come he is always shaking in some way or the other? Did I miss something on his application or is he secretly on drugs?
"Thank you, Jake."
"Hmm...anything else, boss?" Jake asks, looking at me expectantly.
"No, nothing. You can go and help sort out other stuff with the new employees," I tell him while getting up from my chair.
"With the new employees?" Jake appears startled at my suggestion and I raise an eyebrow at him. "That's...are you upset with me?"
I shake my head. "No, Jake. You may leave now."
"But why?" His voice gets a pitch louder as he grabs hold of one of the chairs placed opposite me tightly. "I mean...am I no longer your assistant? Have you replaced me? Is Mr. Lucrezia back?"
"David isn't back yet, Jake. I just don't need an assistant. You can work as an intern here if you want to or else I have no need for you."
I cross my arms over my chest, bored by the conversation and needing it to end so that I can go and do what I want to do.
This man has already disturbed my peace a lot and now he is here asking to be my assistant when I clearly told him I don't need one once before.
"Don't do this, Mr. Jackson," he says suddenly, taking a step around the chair and placing his hands on my desk. "I applied to be your PA, sir, and I want to keep doing that."
"Well, you didn't do a good job at it now, right Jake?"
His usually calm face turns agitated as he narrows his eyes at me. "What do you mean, sir?"
I want to tell him about the party but after remembering Rose's words, I decide against it. I fail to see what my sister sees in this guy. He doesn't even look sober.
"Nothing, Jake. As I said, I don't need an assistant anymore." I brush the invisible dirt off my suit as I walk around the desk, stepping leisurely toward him. "Why do you need it anyway? I'll pay you just the same as long as you do any work here. So...why?"
He seems off-guard at my question and looks to the floor, one of his hands rubbing the back of his neck in a rushed manner.
"Huh...it's...I just like to work for someone important...that's it," he exhales, forcing his eyes back on me. "It's a respectable position."
I take another step closer and his eyes widen. At this distance, the light of the room hits a corner of his blue eyes and it illuminates unnaturally, like the way cheap plastic does.
"Yes, Jake?"
"Mr. Jackson, I just like working for someone close...I...I don't have many friends and it's just...I like the company..."
"Is that why you ran away that day? From the most social party ever?"
He hears the mockery in my voice and his lips pucker before his tongue darts out to wet the bottom one.
"I didn't want to go, Mr. Jackson. Miss Jackson forced me to, I couldn't deny her wishes. She was worried for me."
Damn it. I hate that my sister likes him. I can't even fire this guy.
I rub two fingers on my forehead, massaging the spot slowly. "Okay...okay, let's see what we can do about that." I walk past him with my hands in my pockets and open the door when I reach it. "Would you like to pay a visit somewhere special with me, Jake?"
He blinks, twice, perhaps unable to process what I said to him, and for a fraction of a second, I do wonder what he took my words to be before his body language straightens again.
"Sure...sure, definitely," he mutters, nodding hurriedly.
I roll my eyes and let Jake follow me as he shuts the door to my office behind him.
***
One down, two down, ten down
I am laughing, I am shouting to the bartender for more and Jake doesn't like it. He is urging me to drop it, that it is too much to drown myself in one night. I push him off every time.
As if he can stop me.
"You need to loosen up, buddy!" I shout, slapping a hand on his back, making him jump. The guy is still dressed in his suit whereas I have no idea where I dropped mine after entering the bar.
"You're drunk, boss," he says, the weak concern in his voice threatening me to laugh. "Let's take you home."
As the bartender places another glass on the counter, I shove it toward him. "C'mon, buddy. Drink it. It'll cheer you up."
He moves the glass back to me. "No, thanks. I don't drink."
I pout as I pick up the glass and let the burning liquid drown my throat. "Your loss, my gain." I shrug my shoulders, craning my neck to look at our environment.
We are at the Fire Breather bar right across from the office. It is one of the most packed places in the city in the evenings. There is a crowd here every night, a mix of new and old people. Tonight, I spotted a few of my acquaintances but barely had the urge to talk to them. Therefore, Jake became my only company. One with non-drinking issues much to my disappointment.
Slamming the glass back on the counter, I laugh to myself when I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see a blonde woman in a slutty dress biting her lips at me.
"Hey, handsome..." she coos in my ear as I lean down to hear her. "Wanna get a room?"
The lust in her voice makes me laugh some more instead of turning me on. "I'm packed for tonight, beautiful," I murmur in her ear and then turn to Jake. "However, my friend here is single. I'm sure he will show you a good time."
The woman's eyes scan Jake's body and she walks up to him, interestedly. He quickly forwards his hands, grabbing her wrists to stop her from touching him.
"No, please...I'm committed," he says to her and she rolls her eyes, walking away from us and off to her next conquest.
As she walks away, I find myself staring at Jake. I take in his respectable appearance. He seems like he is my boss more than I am his. Yet, to me, he always looks tired, even though there is a sharpness in his blue irises.
"Committed?" I repeat, leaning a little closer to him so that he can hear me over the sound of the music blasting through the speakers. "Who are you committed to?"
His cheeks warm up, a red tint appearing in the middle but his eyes turn downcast quickly.
"Huh...I had a wife...she's no longer here but I can't stop loving her anyway," he confesses, drawing a circular pattern on the countertop with his index finger lazily.
"She...left you?"
His eyes snap to me, a sudden sick look in them making me pull back. "Hmm...no," he mutters. "She died a few years ago."
Someone shouts in the distance and the song changes, the lights dimming as soft music replaces the wilder one. The fluorescent lights take turns shadowing Jake's face and my subconscious notices that.
Did he just say his wife is dead? Did he just say that he was married?
It is probably the alcohol in my body that makes me feel uncomfortable with the information. To say the truth, I didn't expect him to open up to me at all. He seems too reserved for that. All I can think of is that his tragedy is not even close to mine.
I should really stop drinking. It makes me uncharacteristically selfish.
"Oh..." I squeeze my eyes shut and open them, blinking a few times. "Sorry to hear that, Jake. What...what was she like?"
"She was an amazing woman. Her name was Danielle and...I love her, Mr. Jackson. I'm still very much committed to her."
His eyes shine with what seems like tears to me but I am in no situation to process my thoughts in a rational sense. So instead, I slap a hand on his shoulder, nodding to myself.
"She...she sounds....sounds amazing." I pull out my wallet from my pocket and hand a card to the bartender. "Love marriage?"
Jake nods and I shake my head along with his, not paying much attention to the conversation. I will probably end up forgetting it tomorrow anyway. May Danielle rest in peace and hope someday I may too.
How can I ever be at peace though when my heart is somewhere out of my body, despising me?
"Mr. Jackson, can I ask you a question?" Jake asks.
"Sure, buddy."
I take my card back from the bartender as my companion begins. "I heard that Mrs. Jackson left the house...The drivers were gossiping. Did something happen?"
The mention of Claire alerts my senses and I slowly turn to face Jake. He has an innocent look on, half calm, half anticipatory. He kinda looks funny. Every few seconds, his head splits into two parts before my eyes and it makes me chuckle. Jake with two heads looks way more stupid than David with three.
"It's...nothing..." I start to say but I recall Senator Campbell's words suddenly and remember why I did what I did to Claire. I can't just drop it now without playing the complete part. "Actually..." I change my tone, making it louder. "It was something. I realized she was a bitch after my money."
I lie to him, the guilt of the lie tearing my chest to pieces once again. I just collected them back last night, telling myself that losing her was better than putting her in danger. But even after all my convincing, that desire in me to be with her doesn't disappear.
Jake gives a blank reaction to me, his eyebrows narrowing in thought. "Huh...okay...okay, Mr. Jackson." He puts his hands on the countertop, tapping his fingers on it. "I just...I thought you loved her. Didn't you get married in a hurry?"
"Yeah, we did." A yawn leaves my throat along with the words. "I thought it was love but...it wasn't..."
I touch my forehead to the countertop, letting the lies tear through me like a well-memorized poem.
I love her. I fucking love her.
I feel a tap on my back and lie on my cheek, turning to the side to see Jake giving me a sympathetic glance. "I'm sorry for you too, Mr. Jackson. I hope it gets better...although, I find it hard to believe that you can't love someone like her. She's an amazing woman."
"She is," I chuckle awkwardly. "But not for me." My eyes fall on his watch and I see the time which reads past 10 pm. I am keeping him later than usual. "I'm sorry for bringing you here, Jake. You can leave if you want to."
"I won't lie, boss," he laughs. "I do want to leave. My wife hated such places and turns out, her choices rubbed on me too. Are you sure you want me to leave though? How will you go home?"
"Don't worry about me. I'll sit the night here. I have a room upstairs," I grumble. "You can go."
"Okay, then." He climbs down from his seat, adjusting his suit like a gentleman. "See you tomorrow, boss."
He turns and walks off, without looking back again while I lie sitting on my spot, my head on the counter as I watch him disappear. When he mixes with the crowd, I get down from my seat, stumbling on my feet a little as I walk towards the backdoor of the bar, avoiding the direction he took.
I am tired of hiding stuff. Tired of the pain it keeps me in. I just want to find peace, even if it is just for a while.
I push through the crowd, taking support of the shoulders of the people around me as I walk out of the door and start to stride towards the spot where my car is parked at the front. All the while I walk, I feel eyes behind my back but when I turn there's no one there. I see a couple heading out behind me and think the pairs of eyes belong to them as I reach my car.
I just need one moment of peace.
One moment to look at Claire and know that it will be okay.
I open the door to the driver's side and sit in, putting the key into the ignition to start the car. The engine roars to life as I grab hold of the cold steering wheel, and maneuver the car out of the parking lot.
With a heavy head and hazy mind, I let the car take me to my only destination of peace — to Claire.