My eyes open in a groggy haze and I blink sleepily, adjusting to my surroundings. My gaze focuses on a lightly snoring Chan, his curls ruffled and frizzy on my cotton pillow. The sight of his vulnerability makes me smile faintly, and I use the rare opportunity to study his face. I sweep my eyes over his rosy cheeks, soft with sleep, his dark lashes kissing the tops of his cheekbones, his plump lips parted slightly. My heart skips a beat at his beauty, and I have to use all my strength to restrain myself, yet again. I lay there, taking every inch of Chan in as if I can't get enough, registering the way his short sleeves have rolled up to above his shoulders, displaying his toned muscles that move gently under his skin as he moves his arm slightly, adjusting his position. That's when I realise his hand leads to my waist, and I look down, clocking his pretty hand cupping my hips with the gentlest of touches. I blush, realising his touch is something I'm never touch is something I never want to lose.
Forget that, Chan is someone I never want to lose.
"Are you going to spend all morning staring at me?" A husky voice snaps me out of my blind admiration and I flit my eyes up to Chan's face. His eyes are still closed but his pouty lips turn up at the corners nto his dimpled smile. I open my mouth in embarrassment at the thought of him watching me as I watched him.
"I wasn't staring at you ... " I reply feebly, tucking the duvet under my chin again and snuggling down even further.
Chan chuckles, his voice deep from sleeping. "Sure you weren't. I saw you," he says, opening his eyes finally and rolling onto his back, taking his warmth with him. I pout slightly, not wanting him to go. Then he moves his head to the side to face me.
"How are you feeling, Y/N?" He asks, his expression unreadable.
"Better. I think I slept better knowing ... I wasn't alone," I mumble the last words, silently cursing myself for bringing the topic up. He smiles at me, colour rising up to his cheeks.
"I'm glad. I don't want you to be alone anymore," he says, rolling onto his side again. His hand comes up and brushes the strands of fringe out of my face. He keeps his hand resting on the back of my head, and I find I don't want him to move it. "You've got the other boys aswell, even though you haven't been with them much. You'll always have me though, okay?"
I nod, taking a risk and moving closer to him. Without a word he closes the gap and once again I'm in his arms, which has quickly become my favourite place. I breathe him in, shutting my eyes against his chest as his fingertips draw circles on the back of my neck
"Thank you, Chan," I whisper when I pull away, leaving my hands connected to the small of his back. He lowers his head to kiss my nose and rests his forehead against my own.
"Don't thank me. I haven't done anything."
***
I giggle, squealing as I run down the street and away from Chan's hands imitating claws. He chases me, a bright grin painting his beautiful face as he chuckles after me, his laugh echoing in the quiet street. Running faster, I get so caught up in the silly game that I don't notice a tall figure appearing infront of me. I immediately smack into the man, falling backwards and landing on my behind. Grimacing, I rub my back before looking up at the imposter.
My eyes fix on a set of highly polished, patent black shoes, leading up to a pair of royal blue suit trousers, a crisp white shirt and gleaming cufflinks adorning the edges of the matching blue blazer's sleeves. He looks familiar, looks like a distant memory ...
Blood rushes to my head as the recognition hits me like a train at full speed. He looks older than I remember, a faint shadow of stubble along his defined jaw that wasn't there before, but he's still the same, handsome man from my childhood.
"Dad," I breathe, and I faintly hear Chan choking in the background as he realises what I just said.
The world is suddenly devoid of the usual day to day sounds; no honking horns, no companiable chatter, so sirens - it's just me, sitting on the pavement, looking up at an uneasy faced guardian.
"Y/N?" He asks, and his voice brings back so many happy memories that they almost stab me in the gut, generating a new set of tears that I am determined to not let them run down my cheeks. But almost instantly the happiness is drowned out by the bitter memories that follow, and resentment coils in the pit of my stomach like an angry snake. "My goodness, you've grown, haven't you?"
Unable to control the blinding rage that has its strong hands gripped on me, I get up, wiping the dirt from my jeans as I stand. I barely reach his shoulders, but that doesn't stop me for a second. I do the first thing that comes into my head.
I punch him straight in the jaw, my knuckles slamming into his bone with a crack.
He stumbles back, obvious surprise and pain etched into his face as he raises his hand to his face, brushing the edge of his mouth with his thumb that comes away stained with red. He stares for a minute and then chuckles, shaking his head.
"I guess I deserved that," My father says, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You've become really strong. I'm proud of you."
I scowl at him, hiding my own hand in my pocket, not wanting Chan to see the blood on my knuckles. Instead I stare up at this ... this man and wonder what he's doing here.
"What do you want?" I ask, voice dripping with hurt and confusion as I glare at him. He holds his hands up in mock surrender and I narrow my eyes at him. What once was a painful longing for dad to come home, has now turned into a jagged feeling like smashed glass, and the confirmation that I never want to see him again.
"Chill, sweetheart," he chuckles and I wrinkle my nose, his breath carrying the unmistakable stench of weed. I almost puke right there and then all over his expensive shoes, but I restrain myself, stomach churning. I see Chan standing utterly still out of the corner of my eye and I turn my head a fraction, registering his disapproving eyes focusing on my father. "I just came to tell your mother that I'm going out of the country. So, you know, if you ever need me, well, I won't be here."
I laugh out loud in disbelief. "As if she needs you. She hasn't even rung since you left."
He raises an eyebrow. "What?"
"Don't act surprised. You deserve it," I say, moving back a step. I want to be as far as possible from him.
"Y/N, what are you talking about?" He reaches his hands out to touch my arms and I wrench them out of the way, afraid that if he touches me, I'll be tainted for the rest of my life. Even more than I am right now. "Your mother has been ringing me every single week. She said she needed money for you. So I've been sending a sum of money for you every week." He suddenly frowns as if understanding what has been happening. "Don't tell me she didn't tell you."
"No," I snap, crossing my arms. "I don't know about your little conversations, but I do know that she hasn't spent any on me at all, and that she seems to be getting a heavy stream of alcohol and drugs into the house every week. So I don't know what you thought the money would be used for, but it's been going towards that."
He doesn't look vaguely surprised and I fight down the bile rising up in my throat. I want to get away from him. He's not my dad anymore.
Then I decide to ask him a question. "Why did you leave me? When you knew she'd gone crazy?"
He seems shocked at this, as if he wasn't expecting me to bring up the past. He has the grace to look embarrassed, and his stance becomes awkward.
"I realised having a kid was a mistake. Not that I wish you weren't born, it's just, I'm not cut out for being a dad. It's too much work."
Completely dumbfounded, I stumble blindly past him and run off, the tears that I managed to stop now pouring down my face relentlessly. I hear footsteps behind and I turn to see Chan giving the man a cold look before barging past him, running to catch up with me. He grabs my hand and we run, we run and run and run until we end up in the middle of a deserted park, rain suddenly pouring down and pounding at the concrete with loud bangs. I gasp for air and slide down a wall, sitting on the wet ground as I look up at the clouds, catching the rain in my mouth and on my cheeks.
"That was a good punch," Chan comments and I splutter with laughter, wiping a cold hand across my nose. He smiles and stands infront of me, his hood pulled up under his leather jacket, his legs hugged by his tight, black jeans, looking as gorgeous as ever. His face then turns cold as he walks over to the wall next to me and kicks it ferociously, repeating it over and over again until he gets bored and switches to using his fists to pummel the brick instead. My eyes widen as blood starts dripping down the skin that's exposed by his rolled up sleeves, dark, red and unmistakably a lot. I jump up and slide into the gap between him and the wall, and he comes to an abrupt pause, moving to go to another part but I catch him in the middle and hug him to stop him.
"Why are you hurting yourself?" I cry, squeezing his shuddering body. He begins to sob in wretched, shaking breaths and I hug him harder, rocking him from side to side. He eventually stops and answers me.
"Look, we're both in pain now," Chan says, bringing his bloody hands out infront of me and reaching for my own. I look down at the rivulets of wet blood on his arms creating intricate webbing on his skin, and the dried blood mixed with fresh blood swimming around on my own. I lean my head against his chest, smiling at his stupid way of showing me he cares.
"Don't do that again," I say, playfully thumping his chest. "Don't scare me like that."
He steps back and looks at me with scared eyes. "You were ... scared?"
"Yes!" I say, exasperated. "Of course I was scared. I care about you more than anyone else, to be honest, and you just suddenly lost all control. I was scared."
He examines his sticky, crimson hands and offers me a sad smile. "I'm sorry. I didn't think."
I shake my head. "It's okay."
"But are you okay? I ... it must have been awful seeing your dad after years and hearing you didn't mean anything to him," Chan says, and pain settles in my chest again at the thought of the smart man in a suit and tie.
I shrug. "He's just a random man to me. I don't know him, nor do I want to know him."
Chan laces his bloody hand through my red one hand. I try not to think about how it looks like we've both just murdered one. "You're so brave, you know that?"
"Nah I'm not," I say, blood rushing to my face and I suddenly feel shy around him.
He nudges my shoulder. "You are. You're the bravest person I know."
***
Two hours later, we're sat on the floor of Chan's living room, all traces of blood cleared up and hidden under soft bandages. I lean against his shoulder as we share a bowl of popcorn made by him mother, another Disney movie playing on the TV.
Just then Chan's phone vibrates with a message and I look over his shoulder to see a notification from the group chat of the eight boys.
"Oh!" He suddenly exclaims. "I should add you to our group chat!"
Baffled, I eat more popcorn. "Why?"
"Because you're a part of us now, silly. It's only normal," Chan says, and a couple of quick thumb movements later, my phone pings, alerting me that I'm in the group chat. I swipe left and click onto the chat.
Felix: y/n! bout time ur in here
Me: hey lix :)
Jisung: YAH WHY AREN'T YOU BOTH IN SCHOOL AGAIN?! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
I grimace and am sure I can hear Jisung screaming through the text message. I look to Chan who looks equally as done as I feel.
"Didn't you tell them?" I ask.
"Tell them what?"
"Why we're not at school."
He shrugs. "No. I thought that's for you to tell them. Besides, you told me not to, remember."
I blink. "I'm just not used to people keeping my secrets."
Chan smiles, laying his head ontop of mine. "Then I guess you never met the right people."
Clearing my throat, I go back to Jisung's message and ignore the flutter in my chest.
Me: I'll tell you guys why when we get back to school, but for now I'm going to take a few days off. Channie said he wants to stay with me and he won't budge 🙄
Chan: damn right I won't 😤
I giggle, nestling further into Chan's neck.
Hyunjin: are you okay, y/n? I'm worried ~ :(
Jeongin: y/n i miss you, i cant share my jellies anymore
Me: aww jeonginie don't worry, ill be back soon, promise. and tbh jinnie, im not okay, channie knows about it but ill tell u all when i come to school, just dont worry
Changbin: that sounds serious. you have us tho y/n whenever you need x
"See? Told you so," Chan says, nudging my shoulder.
Me: thanks binnie xxx
Seungmin: its weird, weve only known each other a couple days but it already doesnt feel right without you
Minho: stop being sappy. but yeah y/n hurry tf up and get back here
Me: 😂😂😂 okay minnie
Minho: dont call me minnie!
Me: sorry minnie
Seungmin: he just locked his phone in anger but he's smiling, so make of that what you will
I laugh, feeling a sudden rush of warmth bloom inside of me.