Let me tell you about someone.
The first time I met him was in the school corridor. I knew a lot of people- at least I recognized a lot of them, and I tend to pay attention to them.
Most were talking with their friends, laughing, and enjoying their time. Some were lonely and wandered off quicker than others.
Sometimes I take the time to observe their faces. That maybe this person would look better with longer hair, or that they don't care much about their appearance because of how loosely they wore their uniform.
But not that day.
I didn't pay attention to most people, everything just felt hazy that day.
But I saw him. I only saw him.
And he was really tall, taller than the majority of the people in school. But that wasn't the only reason why he caught my attention.
He was pretty.
But I couldn't observe anything well. What his hair was like, what expression he had on his face, or what he wore. So what was so pretty about him?
I don't know, I didn't know what it was. But he was really pretty.
And it didn't matter much to me that I couldn't figure out why, all that really mattered at that moment was how pretty I thought he looked. How much this stranger made me flutter.
From that day on, I only ever thought about seeing him when I walked outside of my classroom. And maybe this time I could really look at him.
But I never saw him after because he ended up graduating a year later. The only time I talked to him was a small encounter in the gym, but nothing else happened.
I was satisfied though, that at least I noticed him and he somehow knew my existence.
Maybe it was by chance but four years later I ended up meeting him. That I ended up meeting you again.
And it was thanks to your missend that we started talking. We talked a lot, even if it was a small conversation about something random that we found, we talked every day.
That was when I realized that you ended up remembering who I was all this time. That I caught your eye as well.
But why?
it didn't take long for us to get along, it was three days since we met when you told me you felt that maybe you liked me.
We both thought that it was quick, and maybe that this was a temporary feeling of yours, or that you suddenly felt like that in the heat of the moment.
But why?
It didn't make me uncomfortable, I didn't think once that I wanted to stop talking to you. In fact, it made me want to do so much more.
But why?
I remember sitting on the same familiar bathroom floor that one night thinking about you. It felt warm.
Do I like him?
It was difficult for me to think of an answer at that moment. Maybe because I made it sound pressing when I first questioned myself.
But once I let my tongue loose, I asked myself again. "... Do I like him?"
And perhaps that was how it was supposed to go the first time because I found myself feeling warmer.
I like you.
And I didn't know why, or what was happening, but when I listen to you and see your face, every single time...
But I blamed myself, because why do I even bother liking someone when I have so much going on?
Do I even like you?
Am I gonna hurt someone again?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I was scared of everything. I was scared of being with you. Because I didn't understand myself, I didn't know if it was me wanting someone's attention again. I didn't know if I was even capable of liking someone.
I was confused. So confused.
That was the day when I decided to stop myself from wanting you.
Maybe it was your laugh, or your eyes, or your smile. It could've been your hair, or your voice, or your personality.
Whatever it was, it made me fall pretty damn hard and I couldn't let go because of how lovely you are.
And every day I found new things about you that made you even lovelier than I thought you were already.
It didn't matter what it was. It would be something small or stupid or typical about you, but when you do it all I think is "I like you".
But do I really?
I still questioned everything. That I'm the unhappiest person you probably know of. So why me out of the many better people you can have?
Someone who isn't mentally fucked up and someone who has the confidence to show what they look like.
So I don't know why you like me.
Because I've always felt like I never deserved any form of care from anyone. Especially from those who I love the most. I don't deserve anything good.
So I don't know why you like me.
Because why like someone who doesn't feel like they don't deserve anything? It'll get draining trying to convince them how much of a good person you feel they are.
But I'm a hypocrite because I believe everyone deserves some sort of love and care in their life.
So I don't know why you like me.
Yet here you are, telling me that I'm the best you've had. That you never felt such strong feelings towards someone before. That you've never cared for someone as much as you do for me.
I found comfort in that statement of yours, but still felt a sense of guilt inside me, coiling in and out.
Guilt knowing that I can't be okay enough, guilt knowing how much of my ugly you'll see of me. Guilt that I still can't bring myself to show you how I truly look like.
And I'm afraid of disappointment, especially if it's from you.
So I don't know why you like me.
I apologized frequently to myself about you having feelings for me because of how hideous I feel, and even that I feel guilty of saying.
Because I know how much I hurt you, how me hurting myself does so much to you.
And truth is, I still lie.
I still lie to you. I still lie about my happiness. I still hesitate.
And I've noticed that when I start believing you don't care enough about me, that's when the lies start spewing out.
And for every cut that reopens, my ugly spills out a bit more.
No matter how much you ask if I'm alright, I'd always respond with "I'm okay" and you wouldn't realize if I was still in pain or not.
I know shouldn't be lying to you, we promised each other that we wouldn't hide anything from each other.
And I know how much I fuck things up a lot and I act out for no reason, and how high-maintenance I can be with how often I need reaffirmation.
But I can't help myself, I can't help anything about myself. I can't control my own emotions or stop myself from hurting myself.
I know I'm wrong for all this. No matter how much you've heard me say it, despite how meaningless it sounds, I want to say sorry because I know how much I can lie, and there will be more lies to come.
So I'm really sorry.
But the truth?
I like you. A lot.
I like you more than I planned.
More than I've liked anyone for a long time. And to be honest, it scares me. I don't want to screw up what we have. That's what I realized.
Because you make me feel.
You make me feel so much.
So while I hate how much you care about me, how much I hate the way you talk to me because of the many things I feel...
I like you.
And when you told me that you don't care how complicated things get, you'll still want me, because for you, in the end, you have no regrets meeting me and choosing to like me...
You have no idea how much harder I fell for you after that.
But I've told myself that there's going to be a time where you meet someone else better and fall for them. And when that time comes, I will try my best to understand you and let you go.
Hoping that you'll find the kind of happiness that exists on your own terms.
Hoping you truly take the time to truly figure out what motivates you, what you want from life, and hope you find the courage to chase that and stand by it.
Hoping you start believing that you are worthy of things and that you are just as good as people think you are - despite how flawed you see yourself as.
Hoping that you can find love that makes you a softer person. The kind of love that makes you a better person, the love that supports you and loves you just as much as you do.
Hoping that you find someone that quickly becomes your favorite thing.
Hoping you find someone that can make you realize how deeply you can love, how deeply you can care. Hoping you find someone that makes you feel beautiful.
That was how I've always taught myself to think at least, so I wouldn't have many expectations for the future or anything. A future where I'd have you by my side.
But I don't think I can think like that anymore.
Because I slowly find myself wanting to make you smile more. I wanna wake up every day knowing if you slept well and if you ate your meals. But most of all, if you're okay.
I find myself wanting to be that person who's always there for you when you need it the most when you're going through a massive heartache.
I want to be the person who tells you that "Everything will be alright" and the person who tells you "I'm here".
I want to be the person you're most vulnerable to.
I hope that person could be me.
Because it was through you that I realized the grief I felt for so long was probably love. The love that I craved for and want to reciprocate to someone.
And all that unspent love would bottle up inside me, the lump in my throat and the hollow part of my heart. It was love that didn't know where to go.
It was you who made me realize how much a person can truly love someone. Even the monsters in my head always knew that I would love you in the end.
You make me wonder what I look like in your eyes.
And I think for the longest time I've tried finding something to believe in, something worth living and dying for.
I haven't found it. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me.
And I make fun of it a lot and stuff, but isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?
So I'm sure about you.
I'm sure that you're the one person I'd want to spend my days with.
The days where I spend crawled on the bathroom floor to drown myself in something else other than my thoughts.
The days where I spend looking at myself in the mirror listing down the many things wrong about how I look and apologize to the people who know how I look like.
The days where I stare into nothingness thinking about how shitty of a person I feel so I hurt myself to account for my mistaken existence.
The days where I wanted to end things, so I disappear for days on end looking for ways to end myself without it hurting too much.
And maybe change all of that into something more beautiful and meaningful. Something we both can cherish and love.
And I've come to realize that even you struggle with the truth - your truth. That you have your own fears as well and that it isn't just me.
Fears that you might be too selfish of a person.
Fears of not knowing who you are and what is true.
Fear that I'd hate you because of who you were a year ago.
Fears that you're too disgusting to be with me.
Fears that you are too afraid to tell me.
But when the sun goes down and all of the darkness starts to come back where it isn't supposed to be...
I want you to tell me about the insecure mind you have which keeps nagging you about all the things you aren't and I'll tell you how many lies it tells you and how wrong it is.
Tell me about those thoughts which wrap your whole self and how easily they destroy you and make you remember your past, and I'll tell you that you aren't who you were a year ago.
I want you to collapse into me. Just once, so you wouldn't have to fall again.
Why?
It's you because no one else makes sense.
And I'll keep reminding you that no matter how repetitive of a broken radio it may sound.
Although It hasn't been long since we first talked, I hope you won't leave. I hope you won't let go.
Because there are so many things I want to do with you. Things that I want to waste my time on despite how selfish all this sounds...
I want to have more late-night calls with you.
I want to hear more of your laughter.
I want to listen to more of your dreams, and especially those with me in them.
But I wish to do so much more with you. Things that I've only dreamt of happening.
I wish to be able to touch you, so I could feel stars dancing across my skin.
I wish to be able to intertwine my fingers in yours, so I could fill in the emptiness my hands feel.
I wish to be able to hug you, so I could be able to feel what warmth truly is.
I wish to dance with you without a care in the world so I could understand what happiness feels like.
I wish to be able to kiss so I could feel how intoxicating it is, how irreplaceable, and how magic you are.
And one day, when I wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, I will look next to me and you'll be there sleeping peacefully beside me. And suddenly, the world won't seem so lonely and empty.
And I'm not saying this just so I could hear it back, I'm saying this so you'd know how I feel about you.
That possibly...
Maybe...
Theoretically...
I'm in love with you.
That I love you in my own imperfect, silent way. And sometimes, I think you love me in your own clingy, selfish way.
So either you confess to me about your feelings or you let this be my confession letter to ask.
if I can be the person you'll love for the rest of the present moment, the person you can be your most vulnerable to... your girlfriend?
- A