I sit back on the sofe, my pamls sweating and my mind racing. My head is reeling and I seem to have temporarily lost my brain; I keep dropping glasses and plates, and walking into door and sofas. Sounds funny. It's not. I keep seeing Dan give me these sideways glances whilst he tries to depict my neutral expression, thinking himself subtle when in reality it's obvious. I can't focus, so everything he says I meet with a 'hmph' or 'yeah' while trying to dodge his dangerous eye contact. I can feel his eyes almost burning a hole in my pocket; he really wants to see the text I got but doesn't want to ask. Every so often, his mouth gapes open and he raises his arm as if to place it on mine, but thinks better of it and stops himself.
Currently, we're sat watching the new Pretty Little Liars episode and Dan is garbling on and on over Mona, and Alison, and oh; is Andrew totally suspicious? After a while, I plea that I need the toilet and foist myself off the sofa quickly. I do go to the bathroom, but I sit on the edge of the tub and rub my forehead as if to soothe my brain from it's inexplicable wanderings. I decide to pour some cold water on my face and calm down, to try and think it over in this welcoming silence. I can't help but watch myself in the mirror; knowing that everything is going to change. I don't look any different after diesting the shock, albeit my eyes looking slightly glass-like. I sigh to myself and run my hand through my hair, as I unlock the bathroom door and stumble into Dan stood precariously outside the door with his arms folded. He grabs my arm and pulls me to him tightly without saying a word. I bury my head into the crevice of his shoulder and try to hold back the tidal wave of tears. He puts his arms arund my waist and squeezes slightly as we stand there, locked in embrace.
Five or so minutes later, I pull myself out of the hug and absent mindedly smile at Dan as I take a step back. He takes a step foward immediately and plants a kiss on my lips. He puts his hand in the back pocket of my jeans and places another hand on my face. Without me even noticing, he pulls me toward the bedroom and lays me down. He sticks some Sam Smith on, and I hear the first few tunes of Restart in the air. Ironic.
He unbuckles my belt and slides my jeans down slowly. At some point, my shirt came off and i position myself comfortably on the bed. Dan all but rips his jeans and shirt off as I move the cushions about . He lies me back slowly and starts to kiss my neck and stroke my(small) muscles where my abs should realy be. He nibbles the lobe of my ear and places his hand on my hips. Slowly, he moves towards me and lowers himself onto me. He whispers into my ear some sweet nothings and I wrap my arms around his waist, trying to ignore the doubt in my stomach.I kiss him gently and pull myself up towards him in one quick, fluid movement.
Afterward, I stare deeply into his eyes and ponder about how my parents would feel about him, or his with me. I want to shae him, not literally, but in a metaphorical sense, to my fans and show them my life but I know I can't. I trace unknown star constellations on his stomach and look at the edges of his hair starting to curl, and smell his scent in. The air is warm and I know I should feel content. I pull closer to him and wrap my legs around his and play with his hair a bit, trying to ignore my mind. His hand sinks lower with each breath I take and I close my eyes; partly in paradise but to also end whatever is niggling in my brain. Even after all of this, when I should ask if Dan's okay or if it was all good, I still cannot process that one, stupid thought.
I'm going to be a dad.