Okay, sorry for last week's break. Life is not too nice towards me right now, with my job taking up all my energy (however, I have about 12 different stroys in my head that I have come up with during work, but have not had time to write them down.) My family that has been a bit chaotic lately. And several tough farewells with friends who move to study in other cities.
This one was meant to be a little fun one, but like I said, I can not write funny things. One about Azriel who has to get help for his nightmares.
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"Azriel! Azriel! AZRIEL!" Someone was screaming his name in the night, calling him back to the world. Gwyn was siting across his hips, shaking his shoulders to wake him up. "Azriel wake up gods damit!" She called and Azriel opened his eyes. His heart was speeding, his body covered in sweat. The nightmare had left his mind already.
"Gwyn..." He said, his throat dry as sandpaper.
"You where screaming..." She said, her hand resting on his cheek. "Nightmares?" Azriel moved Gwyn from his hips and got up.
"I need to go out." He just said, his mind was racing with his heart.
"Az, talk to me!" Gwyn called out but Azriel left the bedroom. "Azriel!" the door closed behind him.
The training rings was quiet and empty. Letting Azriel train his nightmare and the lingering fealing of it away. The night moved to dawn, and he was still training. His fits hiting the woden poles over and over, and when his knuckles was a bloody, he turned to to push ups or situps. Or the plank. Or any other exercise that made him sweat and raised his heartbeat. He continued on until he was beyond drained and exhausted, leaning against the woden pole, fighting to catch his breath.
A cold hand landed on his arm, making Azriel flich away, cursing himself for work himself so tired that he missed that someone was approaching him. His hand hit Gwyns cheek, making his mate take some steps back. Her hand on her cheek.
"Oh Mother..." Az said, his hands started to shake... What have I done?
"I am not her, but if that is a fantasy..." Gwyn started.
"Gwyn... I am so sorry..." He didn't know what to do with his hands... "I am so so sorry..."
"I am fine..." Gwyn was still just beyond his reach, and he didn't belive her words. "But you are not."
"I was just startled..." Az tried.
"You have been here for six hours, You don't sleep, you have skipped lunch two days in a row. That is now healthy." Her voice was hard and clear. "Az, what is it that haunts you?"
"Noting..." He said back, turning towards the pole. "I just needed to clear my mind."
"From what?" Gwyn raised her voice. "Azriel, I am worried for you." Her hand found his arm again.
"There is no need..."
"Yes it is..." She tugged at his arm to make him face her. "For you was so tired that you didn't notice me, your mate, coming." Her cheek had a red mark on it. The site of it made Azriel feel sick to his stomach.
"I am sorry." He said again.
"Az, talk to someone, me, Cass, Rhys. Anyone!" She called out, her fingers digging in to his skin. "Please, I beg you."
"Gwyn..." He didn't know what to do or say.
"Just..." She let go of his arms. "Just talk to anyone." Gwyn left, and Azriel had never felt so vulnerable before.
___
He was sitting down on a armchair, the room was painted white and with soft fabrics. The tabel was low, for to low for Azriel's large frame. And in front of him, a small lady. Her note pad was resting on the table, a glass of water at its side.
"So, why are you here?" the lady asked again.
"Because my mate told me to talk to someone." Az repeated.
"So you just went here to please your mate?" She asked, Azriel didn't answer. "Why did she tell you to come here?"
"I..." He couldn't say it. He hit her... by mistake... But still...
"You?" Azriel signed.
"I am getting a bit tired of your way of asking questions." He said. Shaking his head.
"How should I do it?" She asked back. "What is your preferred method?"
"Up side down." He said back. "When I need answers fast, I tie them up side down, and let them hang there for some time." The lady blinked.
"I will not do that..." Az shukeld to her comment.
"I hope not..."
"So... Do you think that your... job... May have anything with your mates wish for you coming here?" She took the note pad and pen.
"I don't write down noted while I do my work." Az said and looked at the pad. "It takes away my focus."
"But then you need to walk through the events again later." The lady taped her pen on to pad.
"Yes..." He let out a sigh. "It... It can be tiering sometimes."
"So tiering that you don't sleep?"
"Sometimes..." He admitted. "It is like nightmares... But memories, and when I wake up... I don't remember them."
"What do you do when you wake up?" She placed the notepad back down.
"I train..." He let out a sigh again. "Or fly, or work on reports."
"So... You work." She simplified. "I know the traditions of Illyrans, training and flying is the same as work."
"I guess..." He didn't see it like that.
"Azriel, let me just say this. I have worked with alot of fae, I have worked with trauma and stress. Helped them who crash into walls from working to much. Helped with sleeping problems. What you are telling me, how you talk... The first thing you said here that was real, was that I asked my questions wrong. The first thing you did was to connect this to your work. That is not a good sign. Gwyn talked to me, she told me what happened last week." Azril froze. "You worked yourself to oblivion. So I think you and I need to talk, and figure things out. Find better coping methods then training. How to hold nightmares at bay. But for that to work you need to want this." She went quiet. Azriel said nothing.
"You time is up, I have the same times booked next week. Come if you want to do this." She pointed towards the door. He left, still deep in thoughts.
Two days later he woke up again from a nightmare, once more moving to the training area. Doing all he could to get the images from his head. This time he remembered the nightmare... It was one from the rite, the days before he found his brothers. The pole shattered under his hands, splinters digging into his hands. Azriel stoped, taking in the destruction in front of him.
"Az..." Gwyns voice came from behind, making him aware of her present.
"Gwyn..." he said back. Gwyn had been sleeping in a different room since the day he had hit her. Her words hunted him.
"I don't what to risk you waking up too belive that I am a threat. You need help, and I am asking you to take it." Now she was standing there behind him. He didn't what to turn around, didn't what to face her and see the disappointment in her eyes.
"Your hands need to be looked at." Gwyn said, now closer.
"It is okay." his voice was unsteady.
"No... It is not." Her hands was cold against his skin. "Come..." she dragged him towards the house.
"Gwyn..." he tried again.
"Az." She cut him of. "Let me take care of your hands." He didn't protest and let her take care of the splinters. Gwyn was quiet, focusing on his hands. Az did the same, looking down to see her dry of some blood.
"Gwyn... I am really sorry for what happened..." Guilt was eating him up from the inside, he had tried to talk to her, but Gwyn had shot him down.
"I know, but you need to accept her help." She said and finished addressing his wounds. "I will stay in the guest room tonight too." Azriel sat still, fearing that he once again needed to sleep in an empty bed.
____
"What do I need to do?" He asked the same moment he entered the room. The lady with the notepad looked up.
"You are three minutes early." She said back.
"What do I need to do to get better?" He repeated.
"Overachiever." the lady mumbled and wrote something down. "Have you always felt this need to be faultless? Perfekt?"
"I am an Illyrian, I need to be in order to survive the training." Az said back. "What does this have to do with anything?"
"But do you really need too? You are a shadowsinger, even if you where weak, you are still disaierd in the court for your abilities. So why do you fell the need to be perfect?"
"I..." Az didn't know... "I am not sure."
"Then we will start there. Tell me about a moment of importance in your life?" The lady looked at him. "My name is Madelen by the way, I think we need to be on first name basis with each other for this to work."
"The first time I was flying." Az said, Remembering the fealing of his wings carrying him over the trees. "That was a important moment."
"Why?"
"I couldn't fly, so when Cass and Rhys teached me how too... It meant alot for me." Az shock his head. "Cass is a terrible flying teacher, Rhys... He was better. But don't tell him that. His ego will never recover to a size that fits." He chuckled as he spoke.
"A memory that scared you?" Madelen asked. Not reaction to his little rant about his brothers.
"The ce..." He started, only to see Gwyns fact just this past week after he had hit her... For a blink of an eye he saw the same fear she had that day in Sangravah. "When I hit Gwyn..." He changed his mind.
"Did it scare you? Or did it make feal guilt?"
"Fear..." Az said and closed his eyes. "I grew if with violence, I practice violence daily... But never, never have I laid a hand on a female... But I did in that moment..." Gulit, shame, fear... "I always what to belive that I am better then them, that I have risen over them... But I fear that I can never do that."
"And if I tell you, that you already have risen above them all?" Madelen placed down her notepad.
"How?" He asked back.
"The moment you said you wanted to change, to make sure nothing like that ever happened again." Madelen sighed. "Your time is up, until next time, think about a think that makes you smile."
Az left the room, flying made him smile, a good round with Cassian made him smile. Playing with Nyx made him smile... He walked through all the tings he did that made him smile. But at the same time.... Flying was freedom, and he smiled in victory. Sparing with Cassian was more a grin then a smile. And playing with Nyx... It was more a smile of relief over the fact that Nyx was alive, just like Rhys and Feyre.
Azriel entered the house he and Geyn shared. Finding her singing as she walked around. And he smiled, and felt how his heart swelled with happiness and love.
The next time he had a nightmare, he forced himself to think of that moment. Of his mate signing. And he fell back to sleep.
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Know that this has no end, but I think this would just be the beginning of Azriel's journey to get better. (maybe I should write a sequel to this one later? Comment if you like it!)
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/Mymymoon