I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK A WHILE.
super fun fact; I am uploading this from Bali!!
yes i'm in bali at the moment, I had some free time to I just... wrote!
it's REALLY long and REALLY revealing, you learn why Astrid and Harry broke up in this chapter.
And just a quick warning, there is a little bit of anti-religious views from Astrid written into here, so if you're uncomfortable with that, you can just skip over it.
i just want you all to know that this story really does tackle a lot of serious themes, it's one of my more mature fics, and you all need to really get in-depth with it, and immerse yourself in the writing. Feeling what the character is feeling is very important in this story. And sometimes the things that happen are a little triggering and confronting, but i trust you all are old/mature enough to understand the issues that'll be happening in the next few chapters. There's going to be lots of Drug usage, self-harm, self-pity, and lots and lots of slightly scary personal and gruesome thoughts from the main character. This is okay, this is how i created Astrid. I just want you to all be prepared for those kinds of things, i'm starting to move up with my writing, and i think you all need to move up with me.
Picture of the chapter: Harry.
Song of the chapter: 'For You' by Angus and Julia Stone. This song is so beautiful and perfect for this chapter.
ENJOY IS GUYS!
DON'T FORGET TO VOTE/COMMENT/FAN ECT!
oh, and just quickly, Check out mine and my friends cover on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVFqZXDPO6U
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CHAPTER 6- Retraction and Reminiscence
“NO!, no no no no.... NO!” I yell in the middle of the cheap airport shop “-That’s stupid.. you’re stupid!”
Harry smirks again
“Like you’ll be going anywhere anyway, at least, not without me. Not after what happened at the roadside toilets”
“That was one time!”
“No, Astrid, it wasn’t ONE time, it happened last time we were in Venice too, you’re always getting yourself into those kinds of situations”
“i can take care of myself” I state
“No, clearly you can’t, thats why my one rule is there, and it’s staying”
we begin striding across the airport, I was behind him, my hand in his, arguing my case.
“then i’m not going”
“to hell you aren’t-”
“I am not going to be your damn house slave!”
“Did i say the word slave?!, no, I didn’t!”
“Then what is the whole point in going with you?!” I yell, whipping my hand out of his grasp “-Tell me, Harry!, because right now the scale is tipped WAY off balance”
Harry pulls the drawstring bag off of my shoulder
“Because you need a fucking detox!” He yells back, slamming my bag onto the marble floor. Everyone is watching.
“-You need some help, and the only place where i KNEW you were truly happy was Venice, with me” He grabs my arm again, bringing his voice to a low whisper “-I know it’s not the same, I mean.. I know we’re not the same, but it’s worth a shot, you owe yourself that much” he takes another breath “-I’m not taking you because i want us to be together again, fuck that, our relationship was screwed the moment it started, i’m saying i’m taking you because you need to be better, I won’t be able to let you out of my sight until you’re better”
“So you don’t trust me?, you think i’ll just ... off myself in the middle of the hotel room”
Harry winces
“Oh, i trust you, it’s the people around you that i don’t trust”
Harry goes on to explain where we were staying, and what room would provide the best view for a personal R&R with myself, and how i’ll have plenty of female friends to socialize with, and how i can cook on the gas stove and wash my own laundry yadda yadda yadda.
“and how long am i being held captive?” i ask, picking my bag back up again.
“at least two weeks, depending on how you’re feeling”
“and if i’m not better by two weeks?”
“then i’ll keep you in Venice, with me, until you are”
He grabs my hand again, running his fingers over the white scar.
“-it won’t happen again, I promise you, Astrid. I’ll make you better, everything will be better”
He tugs me lightly this time, urging me towards the gate.
I inhaled deeply, swinging my bag over my shoulder
“but now i have one condition”
Harry smirks
“-anything, anything at all... you name it”
I laugh to myself, remembering last time we were in Venice. Arguing over 10 minute coffee shop walks and who was getting what for who. How he hated when I left the teabags in the sink. How i hated when he used to never empty the trash can.
“You’re doing the coffee runs, and you have to do the grocery shopping”.
~
The airplane smelt like plastic and eagerness. I already wanted to run.
The idea of first class intrigued me, Harry had bought the tickets, but the moment i got into the cabin, I realized it wasn’t for me. Everyone was either carrying heavy leather suitcases or had their hair tied up in neat ballerina buns. I still had my drawstring bag and my blonde hair almost resembled a birds nest.
needless to say i felt like a white rose in a bouquet of red ones.
Harry nudges me forward.
“the seats are up the back, behind the personal curtain”
“personal curtain?, why are we-”
it clicked.
“oh, right” I say “-Harry Styles”.
“sorry” he mutters. Harry pulls open the curtain, revealing two regular cabin seats, accompanied by food trays and personal flight attendant buttons. I got sick of the luxuries a while ago.
“are you going in?” he asks
“right, yes” I say, stumbling forward onto one of the seats, it was awfully close to the other.
Harry takes the seat next to mine.
“Alright” he says, getting comfortable and closing the curtain “-give me your cellphone”
my eyebrows pull together
“what for?”
“so you can’t tell the boys where we are, I don’t want you blabbering”
“I am not giving you my phone Harry”
“you really have no choice in this, Astrid”
“yeah, I do. I’m not giving you my phone, what if my mother calls?, what if Rory calls-”
“if that prick calls you, i’ll be the one answering it.. now” Harry holds out his hand, signaling for me to hand it over “-phone”.
i roll my eyes and fish the phone out of my pocket, slapping it roughly into his hand.
“But i want to call my mother tonight”
“i can make arrangements”
“you’d better” I huff
I slump back into my seat, crossing my arms over my chest grumpily. I am not his slave.
“all passengers please fasten seat-belts and prepare for flight takeoff”
don’t you tell me what to do, either.
~
I caught a taxi home from the hospital.
My damaged arm sat tentatively against my knees.
my foot tapped.
homehomehomehome.
harryharryharryharry.
he was going to be so happy to see me, home early.
we can cook dinner together, and lie on the white sheets together. Getting to know each other all over again, as if we had forgotten how to touch and love.
we can roll around together, lazy caresses and passionate kisses.
oh love me, Harry. Love me love me love me, i’ll be anything you want me to be.
~
I sat seated for the last ten minutes of the flight. Harry was asleep beside me, drooling all over his striped hoodie. I pinch the bridge of my nose and breath out heavily. I hated when he snored, moaning profanities and complaining about his tight underwear. I didn’t care.
I wanted to breath again. To be able to understand myself, and my fears, and my foreign thoughts.
ever since i was little my mother had told me i had an invisible soul, a changeable one. I adapted myself to the people around me. Their thoughts and desires suddenly became mine. They’d say they liked something, and i’d say i liked it to. We all want to be loved, touched, handled. We’d all go to extreme measures to feel skin to skin, heart to heart. I just wanted to be what they wanted. I wanted to be the one they thought was perfect. I had to be perfect.
Harry was the one person that looked past all of that bullshit. I didn’t have to change myself, my thoughts, my desires. Because he had to accept me for all of that. I was the one thing that he had to accept, and I had to accept myself. Become the person i am now.
after what happened with Harry, i lost all of that. I lost everything i had. The passion, the love, the sex, the white bedsheets.
we had so much sex.
so much love.
so much desire.
That’s what clouded everything. The desire. Gone and vanished.
It’s so hard for anyone to understand how hard and different it is to be completely cut off from someone who you cared so deeply about before. How you were in this wondrous, beautiful euphoria, and go straight into something so deep and bleak and doleful. Yes, i know the word doleful, i’m a nineteen year old girl with a soul problem, not a mental defect.
although, i’m considering getting a brain transplant. Maybe i’ll understand the meaning of ‘love‘ and ‘forever‘ and ‘Brobdingnagian’.
While all of these thoughts were flying around my head, Harry was still sleeping, still drooling, still snoring.
“All passengers, please fasten seat belt and prepare for aircraft landing” the voice echoes up the halls and Harry jolts awake in his seat. A long spit string attached to his lip and the jacket sleeve
“w..we’re here?”
“were here” i assure him, patting his back “-arriving at captivity”
Harry laughs, a small smirk spreading across his sleepy face.
He fastens his seat belt and relaxes back into the seat, wiping his mouth.
“You’ll like the hotel” Harry says “-very Marie Antoinette”
I roll my eyes, settling back into my own seat, and fastening my seatbelt.
“I’d rather sleep in the gutter than in some snazzy hotel with you”
“can i sleep in the gutter with you, then?”
“no”
“then the hotel isn’t negotiable”
As the plane begins to descend towards the ground, i look out of out personal-curtained window. Watching the night skies of Venice.
I remember this. I remember seeing this for the first time, the lights, the buildings, the never ending water filled streets. Everything was so new and beautiful and iridescent and kaleidoscopic. Now it’s a place for my very own rehab, new stitches for an open wound. Mutilation and fucking egotistical thoughts.
The only way to risk happiness is to cut yourself wide open, and see how much of you bleeds out before you find something else worth fighting for. What does it take you to realize you’ve fucked everything up?, a $24,000 plane trip to Venice?.
Harry the tourniquet. ha.
~
“for fucks sake Astrid keep your head down” he rasps
“i’m not Harry Styles so shut the fuck up”
Harry and I swiftly ran towards the taxis waiting at the opposite end of the airport. He was grasping my arm and pulling me roughly through the massive crowd of people. Lots of them were staring at me, watching my white-blonde hair bounce around my face as i stared at my feet.
suddenly, my shoe falls off.
“...fuck” I mutter, whipping my hand out of Harry’s hand to go back and retrieve it.
“Astrid!” Harry calls after me “-Don’t!”
but it was too late, i was already lost. Harry was swept away into the sea of people and i was pushed in the other direction.
“Harry?!” I call towards the crowd, picking up my shoe and placing it back on my foot “-you’re a fucking idiot!” i yell, not being even the littlest bit concerned about my manners
“-what a fat load of good you are, Harry Styles” i mumble, stamping my foot.
I have no idea where he went, and i had no idea where i was, so i just walked towards the first thing i saw, a sushi bar.
my mother absolutely loved sushi. The kind with many colors and flavors and brown rice.
I’d call my mother, but Harry took my phone.
And I don’t know where he is.
I stare at the different kinds of delicates. in-n-out sushi, over-n-out sushi. The list went on and on.
i could run, you know.
I could leave the airport and stay alone in Venice, get a job, wait until i get enough money to get out. Never see Harry or any of the boys ever again.
the worst part about being Astrid Magnussen is that you have a heart.
I mean, not a whole heart, i still hate the world and it’s so-called wonders. But i’d hate myself more if i left Harry alone, and his sadly hopeful stitching up attempt of me.
honestly, it is sadly pathetic. Like a game to him almost.
taking advantage of the broken people is his favorite thing to do, trust me, i’ve experienced that first hand.
~
The taxi broke away from the road and stopped outside of our hotel.
The beautiful, beautiful hotel.
harryharryharryharry
homehomehomehome
maybe he was waiting for me, doing taxes, cleaning the dishes, washing laundry.
I was going to surprise him with my new, better self.
the bandage-less, unbroken me.
the smiling, white-scarred, happy me.
Happy Astrid, happy Astrid
happyhappyhappyhappy
the rain was pelting down, but i didn’t care.
i paid the taxi man, and ran towards the door, hospital bags and pure excitement dragging behind me.
~
“Harry Nickolason, please” Harry says to the man behind the reception desk.
I am sitting on a footstool behind him, my eyes narrowed, my foot tapping angrily
liar i think
I was angry at Harry for having the airport staff conduct a full-place search for me. I was at the sushi bar for fucks sake, not buying a pound of marijuana.
“-and my girlfriend, Astrid” he states
liarliarliarliar
I stand from my place on the footstool, and stride over next to him.
Harry gets handed the room key and i shake my head.
“c’mon gorgeous” he says, slinging his arm over my shoulder and walking me towards the elevator.
i shove it off.
“i hate it when you lie” I huff “-I absolutely hate it”
“would you rather share me with a thousand desperate girls through a glass door, or have me all to yourself” he smirks and I scoff.
“i’d rather share you with a pack of lions, to be honest”
“don’t be like that” he huffs, slinging my white drawstring bag over his shoulder. It makes a fleshly ‘thud‘ against his back.
We get into the elevator and the door closes. It was now completely and utterly silent.
“Don’t be cocky, then maybe i won’t be so ignorant and passive aggressive”
“you’re only passive aggressive because you’re lonely”
give me pity
flash
give me passive aggressiveness as a coping mechanism
flash
“You’re only cocky because nobody is willing to love you”
we both go silent in the already silent elevator.
The saddest thing is, is that it’s the truth. I’m the passive aggressive, suicidal, white-scarred, bleach drinking lonely girl with an attitude problem for help, and he’s the unaccepting, overprotective, cover-up-my-hurt-with-cockiness, internally gutted and mangled boy who is afraid he’ll never be loved for who he really is.
and that’s why we were not going to even last a week here.
people have scars, in all sorts of unexpected places. Internally, externally. Secret roadmaps to all of their personal histories. Most of our wounds heal, leaving behind nothing but a scar. Some don’t. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut is long away gone, the pain still lingers.
I’d like to say that Harry was my scar, but he really wasn’t. Sure, he was the one who caused the emotional tumor and the internal mind bleeding, I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction, he wasn’t going to ruin me for fucks‘ sake. One person can only do enough damage before the other does the rest.
Harry taps his foot.
the elevator dings and my thoughts dissipate.
~
It’s the loneliest feeling in the world - to walk down a hallway and see the happy couples holding hands and singing sweet silent tunes of love to each other. To find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say ‘What’s the matter with her’ I know what it feels like. I’m not sure if i’m walking to something or just walking away. Everybody starts life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been and wonder who you really are, and how you really got there.
I wasn’t supposed to be here, with him.
~
the elevator lands on the top floor and i run out, running down the hallway all the way to the ever-known room.
lovelovelovelove
so many times had i opened this door, and seen him sleeping on the lounge couch, waiting up.
I was excited to see him beautiful face, soundly sleeping.
I unlock the door and bolt in, but the beautiful boy was not sleeping on the couch.
There is a sound from the bedroom.
I smile, he must have just woken up.
I drag my suitcase over the wood lined floor, the drops of water hit the ground with watery ‘thuds’.
I bring my hand forward and twist the shiny golden knob, the one so loose from continuous uses.
“Harry!, I’m home”
I have to blink a few times to adjust my eyes.
“Jesus Christ!” Harry yells, flinching off of the bed.
my breath gets caught in my throat.
The smell of wet sex was lingering in the air, and the girl who was underneath my boyfriend crawled out, the white sheets were draped around her sweaty body.
“Y-ou must be A-Astrid-” she stammers
Harry puts his arms in front of himself “Astrid... I didn’t think you were coming home today I-”
I bite my lip, drawing blood.
“Astrid, I’m so sorry It was a mistake-”
the beautiful cheating boy can’t stop apologizing, can’t stop explaining.
I am too frozen to move. My whole entire body has shattered from the inside-out. My mind is blank, the sounds aren’t in the right order.
The sweaty girl grabs her clothes and rushes out, white sheet and all.
The feelings hit me like a ton of bricks in that second, And i don’t think i’ve ever felt anything like it before.
I walk towards Harry, bracing my hand for impact. But he grabs me, pulling my body to his and holding my wrists.
“Astrid!” he yells “-ASTRID IT WAS A MISTAKE!”
I keep flaying myself everywhere, kicking my legs and attempting to pull my hands free
“HOW COULD YOU!” i cry, tears welling up and falling. “-HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!”
“I didn’t mean it!!” He yells back.
I get my arms free, Harry drops me and i fall back onto the floor
“After everything!” i scream, I feel my voice box scrape against my throat. “-How long have you been with her, Harry?!”
He looks down, completely and utterly ashamed.
“Two months”
“BEFORE I wen’t into hospital?, BEFORE i sliced myself open and almost died? You were with that TRAMP while i bled out on the kitchen floor”
I couldn’t believe what i was hearing.
Harry cringes.
“Astrid, please, calm down!”
I stand from the cold floor, i grab my suitcase and beginning to rush out.
Harry grabs my arm.
“Stop, please” he begs
I whip my arm out of his sweaty grasp.
“don’t you dare touch me” I grit “-We’re finished”
“Please Astrid, don’t do this!, I’ll do anything” he cries “-just tell me what i have to do... please”
“You can drive me to the airport”
I grab my suitcase again, my feet hitting the ground angrily.
He chases me towards the door.
There were so many things i had left to say. So many things that i wanted to do.
I wanted to kill him, rip him to shreds just as he did to me.
shatter him from the inside out.
break every bone in his body and then do it all over again.
“scratch that” I say “-Zayn can drive me... I can’t stand to be near you”
I walk to the door, opening it for the last time.
“-don’t leave me alone, please ... i need you!” he yells
I flinch
“I need you too, Harry. I needed you the whole time”
He comes close, uncomfortably close for comfort. I could smell her cheap perfume all over him.
“I love you, Astrid” he says, his last hopeful attempt.
I frown, furrowing my brow.
“well I loved you”
“Loved?”
“I used to, don’t anymore”
his face falls, and i elicit one last glance at the boy, one last gaze at his smooth, imperfect skin.
“I fucking hate you, Harry Styles” I grit
Thats all that it Was. All those lazy caresses, those late night ally-way exits, those white sheets ... everything and nothing was worth it.
the way he touched me, the way he held, kissed, caressed me. None of it mattered anymore. Nothing mattered. I was nothing to him now, someone he could use and toss away. Napkin Astrid.
but the look in his eyes, those beautiful green pools of perfection made me reevaluate myself for only just a second.
I couldn’t stand to look at him.
The dirty, the lying, the using cheater who didn’t care for me at all.
I slam the door as hard as i could in his face, the sound echoing up the halls.
It seemed like an eternity until my feet learnt how to move again.
~
“-And this is the room” Harry says, opening the door “-I don’t expect you to leave without me, alright?”
I walk in, careful not to touch anything.
So many vases and porcelain things. Marble floors, embroidery.
Very Marie Antoinette.
but i wasn’t Marie Antoinette.
“Why can’t I leave again?, refresh my memory”
“i’m protecting you from now on, you’re going to be my main priority”
“That still doesn’t tell me why”
“Because you’re already broken enough, can’t risk anything else”
the nostalgic, stubborn, cheating, dirty, beautiful boy was right.
I was as beautiful as demolition. Just the thought of my actions draw my knuckles white. There is no god. I have nothing and no beautiful anythings. my heart hammers in my chest when I think about that night, that dreadful, dreadful night and all those slaughtered nights after, thinking about mistakes and touches and hot, passionate sex. Now we’re here, the tension blooms and burns and bursts right in front of our eyes, the natural disaster of our past lingers between distant glances and unspoken skinny love. The hatred stings the back of my mind, reminding me of the way my bones crushed under the weight of my own guilt.
I place my drawstring bad on the leather couch. Sitting next to it.
I think that’s when i loose myself.
“Astrid?” Harry asks, noticing my blank expression. “-Astrid, are you okay?” he joins me on the couch, draping his arms over my small and frail bruised body.
“i’m fine” i say, not moving an inch.
How is it humanly possible to hold in all these feelings and thoughts and emotions and not explode?, how is it possible to hate every single damn fibre of youself or someone else and still be able to stand straight and blink at correct times?
How do you not crack?
how do you not shatter?
is there a time limit?
i am rotting from the inside out.
you’re not special, you’re not loved or watched over by a guardian angel, there is no god because god is supposed to care, if there was a god, he sure as hell isn’t worth praying to.
you’re nothing unique, or different, or individual. You are a combined effort of everybody and everything that you have ever known.
you are the same damn decaying moss as everyone else on this planet.
This is only a show.
get off the stage, everyone’s sick of the same act.
everybody can only hold a smile for so long, after that it’s just teeth.