[xxx - mature content warning]
[Trigger warning - emotional trauma description, related to body dysmorphic disorder]
'Have fun! Have fun! Yes, I can just have fun!' I chant in my head while Sam's big hands are sliding down my sides, then up my back, then down again, and finally squeeze my butt and press me impossibly close to him. I still can't fully comprehend the fact that I'm straddling the thighs of a naked man, a handsome, aroused, tattooed, stark naked, gorgeous man... and this man is my boyfriend... and it's quite possible that we will have sex... perhaps... if I don't freak out.
His mouth is exploring my neck, biting, and kissing up to my ear. His tongue traces the helix before he starts sucking my earlobe. I can do nothing but close my eyes and whimper loudly. I feel the heat, radiating from his skin, through my clothes, making me squirm, quickening my breath.
"Relax! Stop pulling down your shirt!" Sam purrs in my ear. "I'm aware that we can't take it off. Just trust me. I know your limits."
"I'm sorry... I..." I can't go on because Sam bites my nipple through the fabric, and the next moment is sucking it hard. I moan, shaking at the jolts of pleasure shooting through my body. His fingers trace my thighs and start unbuttoning's my pants. My mind goes blank. I dive into the sensation. My hands move on their own, wrapping around his waist. My lips feverishly slide on his shoulder. I want him. Oh, my God! I've never needed anything so badly. If I could only get rid of all my clothes and give in.
Maybe I can really trust him and just ride the wave. What's the worst that can happen? My shirt can accidently roll up. My heart suddenly shrinks. He would be revolted for sure. I still remember the wide eyes, the gasps, the words... 'gross'... 'disgusting'... 'monster'. We were kids. Children can't hold back their reactions like an adult. But aren't they the most sincere?
I know he won't say a bad word. He'll claim that it doesn't bother him, but it will. He'll pity me. The desire will be replaced by sympathy. He'll probably love me even more, the way people love an injured puppy after they've saved its life. He'll force himself to touch me just to make me feel better...
Look at him, in all his glory, stunning, hot... a dream! Who am I to assert rights on him when he can have the world?
"Alec! Babe, no! What is this?" Sam is shaking me gently by the arm. His green eyes are pinned on my face, full of worry. His hand is trembling when he reaches to wipe the tears, rolling down my cheeks. "Did I frighten you? I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, angel! I didn't want to startle you!"
"No, you didn't," I barely utter. I haven't even noticed that I'm crying. Fuck! "I... Sam... I... I want you so much, but... I can't do this." I crawl on all four to the door and throw myself on the terrace, gasping for air. Alright, breathe! Breathe, idiot! It's time to wake up! Run!
I somehow reach the ground and scoot off through the trees, tears streaming down my face. I'd rather die than see him pitying me. He deserves better. Now I remember why I never allowed myself to fall for anyone, why I pushed away everyone who tried to approach me. Beautiful apples are often rotten inside. They are desired, but then turn into the worst disappointment. I know why I forgot all my extreme caution when I first saw him too. I'll die loving him, craving his touch. I'll belong to him forever, but he doesn't have to be mine. I don't deserve it. It will kill me on the spot if I see the regret in his eyes.
I approach the house. Nicole and Rose are sitting on the garden swing sofa, close to the main entrance. I can't let them see me crying. I spot a wooden ladder, propped up near one of the second-floor windows.
"Alec, stop!" Sam shouts behind me. "Let's talk! Please!"
I can't face him right now. I'm not sure if I will ever be able. I quickly climb up and roll inside over the window sill. A large pot of red geraniums flies to the ground and shatters into pieces with a loud smash. Shit! Now I'm destroying people's property. I hear quick footsteps on the inner stairs and immediately rush to lock the door a second before Sam starts knocking and trying to open it.
"Peppercorn, open up!" he begs. "Are you ok? Please, babe! Everything's fine. Nothing bad has happened. We need to discuss this."
I lean my forehead on the door, listening to his heavy breathing on the other side. How isn't he mad when I ruined such a romantic moment? "I'm sorry, Sam!" I whisper. "I love you!"
I said it very quietly, but it seems he heard me. A deep sigh follows. I feel him put his hands on the door. "I'll be right here, Alec, just waiting, as long as it takes."
I kiss the place where I think his hand is and turn around, heading to the bathroom. There's a big mirror on the wall. I stand in front of it and start unbuttoning's my pants. They slide to the floor. I take off my underwear and grip the hem of my shirt. My heart is pounding. I inhale deeply and exhale slowly several times. I never look at the mirror when I'm shirtless. I haven't done it for years, but this time, I'll do it for Sam. I'll look at myself instead of him. I want to see what he would have seen and try to imagine what he would have felt. One more deep breath, and I close my eyes, peeling the shirt off my body. You can do it, Alec! One look! Just once!
I open my eyes and gaze at my reflection. This is me. I may not like it. I may not want it. But it's something that can't be changed. I am a picture of frozen horror I don't remember, but that will never leave my life. I can't let anyone see it. I just can't. He calls me an angel. No, I'm an imposer, a liar, a golden apple that is rotten under the shining surface. Ironic, isn't it? It's a snake this time that should be kept away from the forbidden fruit. Love is painful for other people when it is unrequited, but for me, it hurts more when someone loves me right back.
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A/N
Hello, at the end of chapter 33!
Thank you so much for reading and supporting! 💗💗💗
I know you didn't expect that. I'm sorry! 🤧
Do you think Alec looks so awful, or is it just the BDD that makes him so self-conscious?
Is he right that Sam's desire will be replaced by pity?
Share your thoughts, ask questions, and criticize if you think it's necessary.
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Love: Anny