tonight i'm sad, tonight i'm lonely,
the demons are screaming, and i need you to hold me. - A.D.R.
•••
"What's your favourite food, Sannie?" Yunho asks, his puppy-like eyes sparkling with curiosity as he looks at San, who's currently sitting next to him on the small van that's taking them to San's new dorm.
"uh, pizza," he answers with the most common thing he could think of, although he hadn't had pizza for over five years, he finds it easy to lie about these trivia things.
"ahh finally someone else who likes pizza!" Yunho looks excited and San doesn't really understand what's so exciting about this. "i've been craving one for way too long, let's get some together later!"
San nods, and his attention is brought to Hongjoong at the front of the van sitting with Mingi (who's completely ignoring everyone in the vehicle) when he addresses him.
"are you sure the stuff in your backpack will be enough for you?" he asks, "like, don't you want us to drop you home so you could pack a proper bag?"
San tastes something bitter in his mouth, swallowing down the reality of how this small backpack holds everything he owns in this world. his phone, a couple changes of clothes, his toothbrush that he used to use in public bathrooms with a tube of toothpaste that's pretty much overused, and a charger for the phone that he used to charge it on one of the stores he worked at. and that's all about it, that's San's life packed in a bag. he feels his chest tighten at the thought that he tries to dismiss quickly.
"i actually don't like using too many things," he lies, looking at Hongjoong's neck instead of his eyes, not wanting to lie straight to his face after the male has been nothing but nice and understanding towards him. "i think these will get me by, and i'll buy some more clothes later."
"right," Yunho holds a finger up, silencing them. "Gyuknim said your parents live in Australia, and i was wondering, are you half Aussie?"
holy shit, San thinks, words do travel fast in this small company.
"uh, no, i'm not," his night is now basically full of lies built upon lies, and he wants to crawl beneath the seat in front of him and hide until they don't have any interest in him. "they just work there, i guess."
"you guess?"
"we haven't been in contact lately," San half lies this time, "so i don't really know."
"oh, so you're not close with your parents?" Yunho inquiries further, making San start to fidget with his fingers nervously. he hates mentioning his parents, anything about them makes him feel more shitty than he does on normal bases. he really wants to end this conversation.
thankfully, Hongjoong notices San's nervous fidgeting and speaks up, "Yunho, it's not nice to ask too many personal questions, especially if they make others uncomfortable. let's leave it at that, we've already arrived anyways."
San thanks Hongjoong a thousand times in his head.
the dorm isn't as small as San has imagined it to be, although it isn't very spacious either. it has four rooms, with one room used as a storage room and the three others having a bunk bed each. Yunho shows San around the living room quickly, where there's a tv and a coffee table, two couches, and a few knick knacks, and then onto the joined kitchen, and although it's small, it's pretty full. toast packages here and there, a few cornflakes boxes scattered around, way too many dishes and a few empty ramen cups litter the counter, and in the overflowed pin there's way too many takeout boxes. San wonders if they're even allowed to eat all this unhealthy stuff when they're supposed to be on diet.
then Yunho shows him the rooms, explaining that he can't be roommates with Hongjoong because, well, he isn't very clean nor is he quiet at night. he's recently lost his headphones and he works with his macbook on full volume all night long, so living with him would be a complete disaster. he also assumed that since him and Mingi aren't on good terms as for right now, it wouldn't be the best idea to live with him either, and that left him with only one room left, Yunho's.
San has hoped that he'll be able to talk him into letting him sleep on the sofa, or the storage room, but Yunho was a persistent guy, and he was set on not allowing the younger to sleep on a sofa when there was a fine bed left empty in his room.
the room has only consisted of a waredrop, a drawer with a mirror propped atop and a few self care products, and the bunkbeds. of course it wasn't clean, clothes were here and there, but it looks more live-able than Hongjoong's.
"you can put your stuff here," Yunho instructs, opening the closet and showing him two empty shelves. "if you want more space i can try to squish my clothes together."
"no.. it's fine," he mumbles. he wouldn't use the two shelves anyways, his stuff would more than fit into one tiny drawer. it's just his backpack.
"alright!"
Yunho is a lively person, cheerful and chirpy, bouncing about and excited about pretty much anything San says. San has never thought that he'll meet someone happier than Jeongin, but seeing Yunho has drastically proven him wrong. he wonders how in hell is he going to be his roommate.
"come on, i think Hongjoong hyung ordered dinner," Yunho speaks again, bringing San out of his thoughts as he skips outside the room. San follows him silently, wondering if takeout food is their usual dinner option. he would love to get used to that.
once outside, they find Hongjoong fumbling with bags, placing boxes and plastic plates on the coffee table whilst Mingi is walking out the kitchen holding silverware. he looks kinda scared to be holding a knife, and San wonders why.
Yunho goes to help Hongjoong empty the bags whilst San stands to the side looking like a complete idiot, not knowing what to do.
"San-ah, come sit. or do you like to eat whilst standing?" Hongjoong looks up once he finishes with the last bag, the greasy and sweet smell of fried chicken filling the air between them. San hesitates, although the food is very much alluring him in. are they going to let him eat for free?
"ah, but i didn't p-pay," he stutters, knowing full too well that he won't be able to pay for his share of food with the little money he has right now.
"oh, don't worry about it! it's on the company," Yunho's chirpy voice travels throughout the room. "we can order three times a week with the company's money as long as it's cheap food and nothing over the top."
San's eyes widen, thrice a week?
finally, he sits himself down next to Yunho, at a safe distance from Mingi, who's glaring at the poor chicken wing he's eating. he's then handed chopsticks by Yunho and is set to eat, and he does when he sees the others devour the food.
the first bite he has of chicken feels like visiting heaven on a sunny day. it feels like he's been starved for years and this is the first time his stomach is filled with something so sweet yet so spicy and filling (although it's probably true, he's lived on toast for years now, his luxurious meals that he allows himself to buy once a month being his dear ramen cups, or sometimes tuna sandwiches). he takes another bite, and then another, and forgets about everyone else in the room as he eats, filling up the hungry spots in his stomach.
the food is soon finished, and San feels his stomach more full than it has ever been. he hasn't experienced this feeling in so long, so, so long.
he looks up to see Yunho smiling at him, "you seem like an eater!" he says with sauce all over his face. San has a stupid urge to take a step back, but he stays still.
"i—"
"it's so cool! we can be best bros!"
"Yunho!" Mingi groans, his eyes shooting daggers at the older. "how dare you?"
"what?" Yunho's big eyes hold confusion. "we're best buddies Minmin, he can be my best bro! there's a difference!"
"you're making me sick," Mingi rolls his eyes as he stands up, taking his dirty plate and silverware to the kitchen in his way. "and no good night to you!" he shouts as he enters his room.
Yunho whines, shakes his shoulders annoyedly before he gets up to follow Mingi, mumbling something about fake friendship.
"don't bother with these two," Hongjoong says as he takes his and San's plates, going to the kitchen. "they have the weirdest bond ever. sometimes i think they want to strangle each other to death, and other times hug each other to death."
"either way it involves death," San mumbles as he stands up to help Hongjoong bring the rest of the dirty stuff to the kitchen.
the older snorts, "it sure does."
his stomach feels uncomfortable, contrasting with the soft bed he's lying on. he regrets eating so much when he hasn't had food in probably a couple of days, now his stomach is killing him.
he's gotten the top bunk bed, since Yunho is using the bottom one, and although he's afraid of heights to some extent, he doesn't really mind. but what he does mind though, is the tight space of the room.
in the streets, if any danger was to occur, he could just up and flee, run anywhere in this huge world and never go back to his latest sleeping spot. but here, here he's trapped between four walls, and if anything was to happen, he'd be just a prey caught in a rat trap, with no way out. although the guys seem nice (well, except Mingi), he doesn't trust any of them yet.
sure, Hongjoong has been nice and gentle, Yunho has been funny and understanding, and Mingi.. well, he didn't hit him yet. but that doesn't mean they're not two faced, or planning some kind of messed up stuff to do to him. after all, San's brain has been set since a very young age to think that people mean danger, psychotic behaviors and blood thirst. he doesn't trust anyone, not even Jeongin. although he knows the younger isn't a psycho, he wouldn't put it away that he could be bribed to kill him and the boy would do it gladly for the money.
he sighs, moving around on his bed, and hiding himself beneath the covers further. he can hear Yunho's snoring, and it is scaring him to death for some reason.
his eyes droop, but he tries to stay awake, to protect himself, to make sure he's safe.
slow steps.
rough hands.
red blood, expensive wine.
"oh how lovely,"
a silver twinkle,
and a little scar.
"what a pretty thing you are,"
a small smile,
a dirty lie,
screams filling every inch
of the boy so close to die.
"i could destroy you, with a little touch of mine."
San pants heavily, his hands travelling up to his head and pulling at his hair. he's whining, crying desperately.
he sits down, and buries his head in his knees, his chest filling with pain instead of oxygen with each inhale, and with each exhale, a little bit of his soul leaves his body.
he doesn't know when he fell asleep, doesn't know what has brought up this particular dream, this dreadful memory, but he assumes by the darkness of the night and the still light snoring coming from Yunho that he hasn't slept for long.
for the rest of the night San holds himself tight, scared to even close his eyes, and prays for a better time, where his demons would let him live a single day without their frightful nails wrapping around his neck and squeezing hard.
an— double update bc why not :3
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