Music for this chapter - Show Me What I'm Looking For - Carolina Liar
Chapter 3 - Questions with No Answers.
For the rest of lunch he casually sat there while Jessica, Elle, Heather and Elise fawned over him. I fought the cringe. It was disgusting and embarrassing how blatant they were in their efforts to outdo each other for his attention. He, however, seemed oblivious to them as he calmly ate his five apples.
I occupied myself by doing a detailed examination of the fake wood grain pattern on the table top. It was safer. Every time my eyes strayed they found his. His eyes were cold, hard and loathing.
I frowned at the melamine. Was I a little over the top with my self defence? Had I over reacted? Possibly. Maybe. Nah. It was justified. Bastard.
OK so I was immensely miffed about the kissing and touching thing. No guy had the right to do that without permission. But I could have easily dropped him to the floor and walked away from him if it was just that. No, what really justified the ‘brutality’ of my response came down to one simple word, one name, a name that no one had the right to call me, not anymore.
The question then was how did he know it? He must have dug deep to find that name. But he obviously wasn’t too bright. He should have known, given the depth of his research that calling me by that name would provoke me. Even in my mind I couldn’t say that name without the tears that always accompanied it. How? How did he know that name? How did he know it yet not know the implications?
The wood grain top started to swirl in patterns. Damn. What did it matter anyway? He would never speak to me again. I frowned and looked up again and straight into those penetrating eyes. Damn.
I picked up my stuff as Jessica started rubbing up against him to get his attention. Shaking my head I took a deep breath and walked to physics. This was totally irrational. I pushed the feelings of annoyance, fury, indignation, and the small spike of pain I felt to the back of my mind. Wait...? I wasn’t jealous was I? No! No way! This guy was a jerk. He was a player. A serious player. I wasn’t going to fall for his ‘charms’. Not me. I wasn’t naive.
I wondered what his name was. My mind went off on a tangent. It obviously wasn’t ‘Nobody’ that was just a device to piss me off. But why? Why did he want to antagonise me? Why do any of this? Maybe he was some sort of weirdo.
I spent five minutes trying to remember if I had ever run over a cat, kicked a dog, made someone cry or inadvertently broken a heart. Nope. Never. I was boring. I lived a boring life. Same school, same neighbourhood, same friends, no dead animals to revenge, no insensitive deed to right, and no one who ever kissed me like he had kissed me. Actually, to tell the truth, no boy had ever kissed me. So that ... hell... that was my first kiss.
Damn. My first kiss had been stolen. No romance, no candles and soft music, no words of devotion, nothing but gentle lips. At least he didn’t... I blushed as my mind imagined kissing him deeply with our bodies and tongues entwined my hands in his hair... Damn, stop it Francis King, stop it right now! My mind was still spinning. I had to control it. I had to snap out of this. This feeling, it was like I was drowning and I didn’t know in which direction to swim. He kissed me. Why did he kiss me? Why did I like it?
I sat in my place at physics. I pulled my books out and looked at them in confusion. This wasn’t my book. This definitely wasn’t my book. In the first page was written in large black pen ‘D148’ – what the hell did that mean? Where was my book?
Aww hell. There was only one place my book could be.
Nobody.
I was carrying all my books when I collided with the door. I must have picked up the wrong book. I must have picked up his book. He must have mine. Damn!
I dropped my head into my hands. This meant two things, two immediate consequences. Firstly, he was doing physics with me. Secondly, I was going to have to talk to him again. I needed to exchange books with him. I needed my book back.
I dropped my head to the bench and softly bashed it against the wood. OK so I hoped that this would wake me out of this nightmare. Nope, no luck. Maybe my throbbing head would make the pain of having to talk to him seem like a lesser agony. Again, nope, not likely.
I was imprinting the chiselled graffiti into my brow as he walked in the room. Damn.
The teacher had yet to arrive. If I was going to do this I had to do this now. Don’t be a baby. Do this now. Be strong. Come on Fran you aren’t a coward.
I pulled myself up and with the physics book in my grip I strode up to his desk with purpose, confidence and ire.
“You have my book.”
His head half turned to me. But he didn’t respond.
“You have my physics book.” I said again this time through ground teeth.
His eyes turned to me. Such a deep blue, like the ocean they seemed to go forever.
“And...?” His eyebrow moved slightly but although his voice was detached his eyes told a different story.
“Just swap books with me and ...”
“No.”
“No? What? Why?” I looked at him in confusion.
“No.”
“Why?”
“I like your book. You made notes. Why should I give it back to you?”
“Because I am asking you nicely!”
“Nicely? Really? We must have different definitions of that word.”
I ground my teeth now.
Different definitions! Really!
“Give me my book back!”
“No.”
I closed my eyes. My left foot stamped a familiar rhythm. Damn, shit, hell, feck, bugger, arsehole, jerk, smuck, deep breath.
“Please can I have my physics book back?” I asked nicely.
“No.”
“Fine.” I turned to walk away, tears budding in my eyes.
“Unless...” he left the word hanging.
I stopped unsure as to what to do. I slowly turned to face him. He smirked at me. Part of me wanted to say something in language I rarely used aloud, but the other part of me wanted my book back and I was curious.
“Unless what?” I asked as he sat there watching my face.
“Unless you agree to tutor me,” he smirked.
I closed my eyes. “You want me to tutor me in exchange for one physics book? What do you need help with?”
I opened my eyes in time to catch his mouth curl into the cheekiest smile, “Ohhh, I am not sure you would exchange a book with me for what I need help with!” He laughed, “But let’s just start with the academic stuff shall we?”
OK so this was a text book, right. No reason to humiliate for the sake of a text book, right? But I was outraged with his attitude. My stubborn side kicked in. I wanted my book back. I wanted my notes back. I wanted to win. Damn this boy.
No! No, I would not prostitute myself for a text book.
“Got to hell!” I slammed his book, the ‘D148’ book down on his desk and walked away.
I stubbornly refused to play by his rules. Bastard. No way was I giving into his blackmail.
I spent the rest of the lesson wondering how I was going to explain the need to purchase yet another physics book to my mother, and wondering if I could remember all the notes taken throughout the book. The physics class dragged on.
The bell finally rang.
“Hell? Been there, got the t-shirt, don’t plan on a second tour. Stay away from me.” The soft angry words whispered in my ear as my physics book arrived with a loud smack on my desk. “Get over me.”
I sat there watching his back disappearing out the door. ‘Get over me’ what was that supposed to mean? Was he so arrogant that he thought that I was lost for him? What a jerk.
I picked up the book... my book. I opened the front cover to find inside some scrawled words, the ink was pressed deeply into the paper with unfamiliar penmanship. What?
I dropped everything. I left everything. I picked up the book and I ran after him.
The hall was swimming with people, I turned in a full 360 looking for the hair, looking for a glimpse of him. Nothing. He was gone. In the middle of the hall, surrounded by jostling people, I shrank wrapping my arms around my knees I rocked on my feet as the tears flooded down my face. People swore at me as they stumbled around me. But I didn’t care. I just closed my eyes as the words he wrote reverberated through me.
“Cissy, I’ve missed you so much. Please forgive me. As always, yours for all eternity, Joel.”