Rick is wearing my favorite shirt: the blue button-up. I watched from the doorway as he tried to convince Carl to join him and Aaron on their excursion outside the gates. We need supplies for Negan and the Saviors; if it's anything like this last time, we don't have enough to sustain ourselves. Carl angrily threw a dart at the dartboard and refused. Rick shook his head with a sigh and walked over to me, a walkie in his hand.
"You sure you don't wanna come?" Rick asked me. I grabbed the walkie and held it against my chest, nodding at him. Someone needs to stay behind.
"Be safe out there, please," I whispered, my eyes finding Aaron. He nodded and patted me on the shoulder before exiting the room. I followed as Rick slowly walked out, my hand grabbing his. We stopped at the stairs, watching Aaron descend without another glance back.
"We're headed North if you change your mind," Rick said, placing his hands on my hips. I nodded and caressed his face with both hands, our eyes connecting.
"Good luck," I murmured, closing the distance between our lips. Our lips moved together slowly, each of us savoring the moment. Rick pulled me closer, eliminating any space between us. After a moment, I pulled away, keeping my eyes closed as I pressed my forehead to his. "I love you,"
"I love you more," Rick breathed and kissed my forehead. I opened my eyes and nodded, letting him walk away from me.
I stood at the top of the stairs, hearing Aaron's and Rick's footsteps thunder towards the door and disappear. Carl emerged from his room and stomped down the steps, obviously pissed off. I don't blame the kid. I'm pissed too, but we have to play along for now. I just wish he understood. Sighing heavily, I followed down the steps and cocked an eye as he sat in a chair backward, his one good eye on Selena as she played with Judith.
"Why didn't you go with my dad?" Carl asked, gaining Selena's attention.
"Yeah, why didn't you?" Selena chimed in.
"I have to figure some things out," I explained and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. My holster clicked as I moved, and I could feel their eyes on it. Despite not having a gun, I felt weird not wearing it, and it wasn't completely useless; I still had my knife.
"What is there to figure out?" Carl asked, rising to his feet to stare me down. God, I still remember when he was shorter than me! Now, he towers over me. I can't tell him the truth. It's bad enough that Selena and Michonne know the truth.
"Please," I felt my voice waver as the urge to cry overwhelmed me, "I can't—I can't say, but I have to figure things out, okay?" Carl's eye widened, and he approached me, his hands on my shoulders. He's obviously flustered with my reaction.
"June, I—I," I looked up at him and shook my head, hating how emotional I've been lately. There's nothing I can do about it, though; it comes with the territory.
"I'm going out for a few hours," I told him, "Please don't get into any trouble or make Olivia cry today. Change your bandage later, okay?" Carl swallowed thickly and nodded, his eye lowering as I pulled away. I grabbed the pack I had stashed by the door earlier and slung it over my shoulders, not sparing another glance towards the teens. Michonne stood on the porch, her brown eyes lifting as I climbed down the steps, and I watched her lips press into a straight line.
"I said I would do this in your place," Michonne reminded me. I wanted to see Negan and talk to him, but Michonne has watched me like a hawk since discovering my secret. I let her talk me out of it and agreed to have her go for me instead.
"I know," I nodded, "I'm going to go to the nearest town for a few hours," Michonne frowned and grabbed my hand, her worried eyes on me.
"I can do that for you, too." I shook my head and kept my eyes down, hating how she treated me. I'm not fragile. I'm not going to break if I step outside the community.
"I'm already having you do this for me," I murmured, "Please, 'Chonne." She sighed loudly, making me look at her. She looked like she was fighting herself on this, but she nodded her head.
"Just be safe out there, okay?" I smiled at her and hugged her tightly, thankful to have someone like her watching my back. Michonne grabbed the strap of her bag and started to walk away from me, her head turning to give me another worried glance as she waved. I waved back at her and watched her become a dot in the distance until she eventually exited Alexandria.
"I'm coming with you," I jumped at the voice that appeared behind me. Selena bounced down the steps with her backpack hanging off one shoulder. She held a hunting knife that resembled mine with her initials carved.
"Sel—" She held up a hand to silence me, her fierce brown eyes glaring holes in my head.
"You are not doing this alone, June." She snapped at me. I pursed my lips but said nothing else, motioning for her to follow me. Why are they treating me like I'm delicate? I'm not! My current predicament doesn't make me handicapped or require someone to watch me constantly. I'm not weak and defenseless. I have done things in these short three years that prove I'm not some damsel in distress.
Selena kept close to me as we approached the gate, her presence nearly suffocating with her proximity. Spencer eyed us cautiously as we neared, his eyes squinting at me in distaste. I meant what I said to him the other day. If he ever speaks to me out of line like that again, I will break his jaw and kick in his teeth. Maybe I'll even cut out his tongue.
Quickly, he moved towards the gate and opened it for Selena and me, his eyes following us as we passed through silently. We could take a car, but I could use the walk, and it's not like it's far—thirty, maybe forty-five minutes on foot. We walked in absolute silence, going further away from Alexandria. I could feel her eyes on me as she started to trail behind, her boots scraping against the pavement and rocks darting ahead as she kicked them.
"So," Selena hesitantly started, catching my attention, "Have you told Rick yet?" I glanced back at her and shook my head. If I tell Rick about this, I'm almost a hundred percent positive he'd hover. I would never get a minute alone, which would drive me crazy.
"No," I finally answered, gazing at the road before us. A sign up ahead with the words Trenton and an arrow pointing to the right made me sigh. I have about thirty more minutes of walking and any probing Selena might want to do. I can't handle that right now.
"Why not?"
"I need to figure this out for myself first, come to terms with it before I tell him," I explained. It wasn't a complete lie. Despite knowing this information, I can't seem to accept it, making me feel incredibly guilty.
"Don't you love it?" Selena asked, sounding a lot younger than she was. Did I love it? I pondered over my feelings for a few seconds. I'm conflicted over this. Rick and I were careless and knew the repercussions unprotected sex would have. It was foolish of me to allow this to happen, but it happened. Yes, Judith is alive and thriving, but it took the entire group to protect her. I still worry about her survival, so to add another baby into this? I can't want this baby, but at the same time, this is all I've ever wanted.
"I-I don't know," I answered truthfully. I don't know if I do just yet. Maybe when I finally come to terms with it, I will, but it wasn't like something you see in the movies where the world stopped spinning, and I immediately fell in love with the thing inside me. When that positive came up, I had an oh shit moment rather than instant love, "I'm scared shitless, Sel."
"I would be scared too," She agreed, "Especially if it happened right now with all this Negan bullshit," I turned to her and let a smile dominate my face.
Did she just cuss? I've never heard her cuss before! It sounds so weird coming out of her mouth. She looked at me with her big, round eyes and frowned, "Are you gonna yell at me for cussing?" A laugh left me, and I shook my head, thoroughly amused. She's fifteen, having sex with my other fifteen-year-old, and she thinks I'm going to scream at her for saying one little cuss word? If anything, I should be screaming at her for having sex, but I haven't and won't.
"No, Sel. It just sounds weird," I chuckled, "But you're right. I'm terrified because that maniac is knocking on our door, demanding half of everything. I definitely can't tell Rick if this comes down to war."
"June, you'll have to tell him!" Selena nearly shouted, "You can't fight if we go to war with the Saviors. You're—"
"You have to swear to me that you won't say anything to Rick," I stopped and faced her, my heart beating furiously in my chest, "I have to be the one to tell him. It can't come from anyone else. Swear to me, Sel, or else I tell him about what I caught you and Carl doing not too long ago. He'll force someone to constantly watch over you guys if I tell him," I watched as her eyes widened and her lips went straight. I know I shouldn't be holding this over her head like that, but I need to ensure Rick doesn't hear of this from anyone.
"I swear I won't tell him," Selena whispered and continued walking, taking the lead. I sighed in relief and joined her, my fluttering heart starting to calm down. "I thought you would've told him about Carl and me by now." I shook my head and tucked some stray strands of hair behind my ear.
"Nah," I muttered, "You guys told me you're safe, and I'm holding you to that. Do I like the idea of it? No, but I realize that I can't do or say anything that will stop you two from—" I shuddered, unable to get the words out of my mouth. It felt weird just thinking about it! I view them as my children, and to think of them doing such adult things disturbs me.
"Just don't end up like me, okay, kiddo," I teased and nudged her, smiling as she giggled.
"I don't want to! Not for a long time,"
~*~
We talked about everything and anything under the sun as we entered the dead town of Trenton. Immediately, we quieted down and got serious, eyes scanning the area. Ever since we led that massive herd away from the rock quarry and Alexandria, no one has returned to this town. For a while, there were still walkers crawling all over this area. It's a risk coming here, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.
We walked towards the middle of the town, reading the signs that hung over the abandoned shops. Selena didn't know exactly what I was looking for, and she didn't ask. That's what I like about her—if you don't tell her immediately, she won't pry. She knows when someone wants to keep something to themselves. I let out a low whistle and nodded towards the shop with the words Pharmacy in faded lettering. It's a long shot, but I have to try...
The town was completely silent, and there wasn't a single undead bastard around. Together, we slowly approached the building. I grabbed my knife and clutched it tightly, my hand extending towards the door and my fist balling. The knock of my fist echoed throughout the empty store, forcing Selena and me to go on high alert when a few growls sounded from within. I stepped inside first, my eyes squinting against the darkness for the undead beings.
"To your left," Selena whispered. Following her directions, I turned my head and spotted three walkers. Selena stepped inside with me. Her knife held high as she whistled at the walkers. Without any warning, Selena lunged forward and stabbed her knife deeply into one of the rotting skulls. She kicked the next walker down, removed her blade with a grunt, and quickly stabbed the other in the eye— I shivered as I heard the pop of the eyeball beneath her weapon. Selena let the walker fall, and she kicked the one on the floor, growling, her boot slamming down on its skull and shattering it into tiny pieces.
I can't lie; Selena's pretty badass. Selena retrieved her knife with a final grunt and turned to me with a smile. Specks of blood were on her cheek, and her tied-up hair had a few flyaways. I held my hand up, and she trotted towards me with a pep in her step, her hand hitting mine.
"What are we here for?" Selena asked lowly, a smile finding its way onto her face. I couldn't bring myself to smile as memories from the farm flooded back to me. Is this what Lori felt when she asked Glenn to get those pills? I couldn't pinpoint exactly how I felt, but I felt a little bit of everything.
If I don't know how to feel about my predicament, would terminating this whole thing be a good idea? I've known about this for a while, and instead of feeling in love and happy, I'm indifferent. Instead, I shove it to the back of my mind and am reminded when I want to puke or stuff my face. Could our current situation with the Saviors stunt my emotions? But just because I feel indifferent right now, that doesn't mean I won't be happy later, right?
"Prenatal vitamins," I finally answered after my internal debate. I know myself—I hope—I know that eventually, I will be happy. "I don't think we'll find any, but trying doesn't hurt."
"Why don't you just get some from the Hilltop?" Selena asked as we started towards the back. I twisted the door open and frowned when the knob clicked, signaling it was locked. If it's locked, does that mean there's hope?
"If I ask Dr. Carson, word will get out and eventually reach Rick," I explained as I slipped my knife in between the door and the cool metal of the locking mechanism, worming it around. My hand circled the circular knob, and I pulled it, successfully pulling it open. I held the door open, and Selena gasped as she entered the room, her eyes wide. Curiously, I stepped in after her and felt my eyes widen, too. The room was dusty, but the shelves were almost fully stocked. Like a kid in a candy store, I looked around with jittery fingers, and my mood significantly lifted.
"We take a few," I whispered to Selena, "We don't want to take all of it back only to give half of it to the Saviors. We take some bottles, and we'll come back at a later date."
"Good idea," Selena whispered back, and we walked in different directions. I read each label, not knowing what the medicine treated or was for, and decided to shove it in my bag anyway. After a few minutes and a quickly filling bag, I finally found what I was looking for. The bottle was dusty, but there, in faint lettering, were the vitamins I needed. I paused briefly, my hand hovering over the line of bottles. Do I want to go through with this? I don't know how far along I am, but I know I'm still early enough to take a pill and be done with it. With a guilty head shake, I grabbed all the bottles and shoved them in my bag—refusing to think about any of this anymore.
"Got what I came here for, Sel." I called out and zipped up my backpack, "You good?" No answer came from anywhere near me, and I peeked around each of the aisles, searching for the girl and feeling panic surging in my body. I stepped towards the main part of the shop and searched around, my eyes finally landing on the girl. She stuffed a few things in her pack, her cheeks holding a light pink dusting. I turned and closed the door to the medicine room and tugged on the handle, ensuring it was still locked.
"Whatcha got there?" I asked her, keeping my voice low enough not to attract any walkers nearby but not too low that she couldn't hear me. I walked towards her and felt my cheeks redden as I saw the aisle she was in. At least they're safe, I reminded myself. "On second thought," I muttered and shook my head, retreating towards the door.
~*~
Selena and I returned to Alexandria about an hour and a half later. We had gone back to talking about my current situation, and I couldn't help but remind her that I was in this situation because Rick and I weren't the smartest and skipped protection.
We paused outside the gate, and I whistled, letting whoever was on the other side know that people were waiting. The gate started to squeak open, and a man I didn't know poked his head out.
I felt my chest constrict as another man came out. Now this man, I've seen. He's one of Negan's men. Negan's here. I swallowed thickly and walked inside, my eyes searching the area for the maniacal man. Selena looked around nervously, probably searching for him too.
"If I were you," The man I recognized started to speak, "I'd run on home to your boy. You have company." Selena and I shared a startled look, our throats bobbing as we gulped. I sprinted, fully aware of the pills rattling around in my backpack.
"Sel," I whispered as we sprinted through the streets, "Toss your backpack. He'll want mine, but he can't know about yours." Selena nodded and slowed to a light jog, her eyes scanning the houses near us. She forked off and threw her backpack into a shrub before rejoining me and resuming our sprint home.
There he was, sitting on the porch with Carl. I lowered my gaze and felt my panic increase tenfold as I noticed Judith on his lap, her head on his chest. Selena and I stopped and watched Negan turn to us with an amused smile.
"Well, lookee, what finally rolled in," Negan beamed as he looked at the two of us, "Where's Rick?" I brushed my hair out of my face and slowly climbed the porch steps, my eyes on Judith.
"He's out scavenging," I answered, my arms slowly extending, "Can I please have her?" Negan cradled Judith to him, a deep laugh escaping him as he stared me down.
"Now, why would I give her to you?" Negan questioned, stroking her head.
"Please," I begged. Judith opened her eyes and looked around almost on cue, her hazel eyes landing on me and her arms extending my way.
"She wants June," Carl said, capturing my attention for the first time. I looked at him and frowned, noticing he didn't have a bandage over his eye. Carl is self-conscious about his eye, so seeing him walking around like this must be tough for him.
"Mama," Judith fussed, fidgeting in Negan's arms. Instead of giving her up like anyone else would do, Negan pulled her back to him and bounced her on his knee. Judith started to wail, big, hot tears cascading down her cheeks as she kept calling out for me. Negan cocked a curious eyebrow at me and leaned forward, his hands under Judith's arms as he held her to me. I scooped her in my arms and started to rock, shushing her as she buried her face in my neck.
"While we wait for your loverboy," Negan began, his hand motioning to the spare chair in front of him, "Why don't you tell me this shit-storm of a story," I looked at Carl and frowned when he looked down at his feet. He avoids eye contact with me whenever he does something he isn't supposed to do. "Either we do this, or I go around and start taking shit,"
"What do you want to know?" I asked, diverting my attention back to Negan. Negan looked past me and whistled, his finger beckoning.
"Come here, sweetcheeks," I turned and watched Selena hesitantly come forward, her eyes on her feet the entire way, "Take a seat somewhere. It's storytime." He turned back to me, his brown eyes twinkling with interest. Selena walked over to Carl and sat on his lap, her eyes on the ground. Negan smirked at the teens and leaned back in his chair, "Carl says you ain't his mom, but that baby girl there calls you mama. She looks nothing like you or Rick, so what's the story behind that heaping pile of shit?"
I took a deep breath and looked down at the baby girl in my arms. Her thumb was in her mouth, and she played with the ends of my hair. Now would be the perfect time for her to throw a fit so I can get away from this guy.
"Well? I'm waiting, Juney baby," I returned my gaze to Negan and sighed. I should start from the beginning, right?
"When all this started, I joined a group," I began, "That's where I met Lori, Carl and Judith's biological mom, Rick and Carl."
"Well, shit," Negan chuckled and looked at Carl, his thumb pointing towards me, "Your daddy's got more game than I give him credit for! Bagging two women at the same time? Didn't peg him as the type." I shook my head and adjusted Judith, my arms wrapping around her protectively when she let out a small whimper.
"It wasn't like that," I quickly defended, "Lori, she thought Rick was dead, so she found comfort elsewhere," I phrased it nicely, not wanting to offend Carl, "When Rick showed up one day, she ended whatever it was she had with the other guy, but this little one here was already implanted."
"Hot damn," Negan chuckled, "So where do you swoop in and become Rick's new baby mama?" I cringed at his choice of words. It could mean two things: It could mean that I stepped up and became a mother figure to Rick's kids or what I know he's eluding to. I just hope Carl thinks it's the former.
"Before Lori died," I looked at Carl and felt my skin crawl as he stared at me, his face full of questions, "I promised her that I would take care of her children as if they were mine, and that's what I've done."
"No, no, no," Negan shook his head, "When did you and Rick start bumping uglies?" I cringed and scrunched my nose in disgust. Does he have to be this disgusting all the time? I'm positive he does it to get a reaction out of me.
"I don't see how that's important," I sneered, "And I would appreciate it if you don't speak like that in front of my kids,"
"Ah, but they aren't yours, are they?" Negan let his smile drop, and he leaned forward, "But wait!" Negan exclaimed and pointed to my lower abdomen, "You got your own brewing inside of you, right? Rick pumped his baby-making juice deep in you, and now you're a walking incubator," I closed my eyes and reopened them, glancing in Carl's direction. His eye was wide, and his mouth hung open as he stared at me. At this rate, Negan is going to blab to everyone.
"Oh shit," Negan muttered, looking between Carl and me. "The kid doesn't know?" I bit my lip and felt my eyes water as I looked at Carl, suddenly feeling guilty and angry. "Cat's out of the bag now, pudgy." Pudgy?! I felt my face flush and scowled at Negan as he smiled at me. "Now, what did you bring me?"