Love. A simple four-letter word holds so much meaning. So much importance. And it scares us so much sometimes. Why though? Why does it scare us? Why do we run from love? When we should embrace it. It helps us, make us happy, giddy even. It brightens up our day. So then why don't we let ourselves feel it? Why run? Love is such a simple word yet such a complex emotion to understand. To express and certainly to embrace. At least it is for me.
It was nice of me to think I want to grasp life by its horns. If only it was that easy. I mean it is not hard per se. Only problem is that I forgot I had scheduled meetings where I am supposed to recount my nightmare in front of strangers who keeps it in recording. Also, how can I forget or overlook the fact that they then ask me questions regarding them. Which further manipulates my nightmare. Not the real incident is manipulated, just my nightmare with a floating head attacking me with a sinister smile. Wow. I might just give myself a daymare, is that even a word? Well, a nightmare during daytime, like right now.
It's been some time. School year is slowly coming to an end. Which means prom and graduation. That also means my time to express my feelings are narrowing as well. On that note Lee told me it's okay to take time to say those words. Which means she knows what she whispered that night at the sleepover. And it also means she knows I heard it and have yet to reciprocate it. Well technically I did tell her when Zach asked but not really to her, if that makes sense. We are sort of together now. Sort of because I have not asked her to be my girlfriend yet. A thing I am planning to do today. As I finished my last session of recounting my nightmare for now. Now Simone will do her magic and the court case will take place, however it will. I am not going to appear or have to record any more. That part is over for now till...well I have no idea.
I wanted to ask Lee properly and well free from my past demons which does not like to stay in the past. They want to invade my present and make my present a living hell as well. Oh well, I am glad it is over for now. At least. For now. How wonderful those words feel to utter? Yet they do not bring much satisfaction as one would hope. How could they? After all they do not hold the promise or the certainty of it remaining in the past or ending. Still for me they are good enough. And I am happy to have at least that.
Plans are already in motion at least in my head. By plans I mean the way I want to ask Lee to be my girlfriend. Okay, I should tell you all that I like to address my partners with the respect the relationship deserves. Hence, us continuing to kiss without me asking Lee to be my girlfriend was killing me. A fact Zach knows, as he constantly teased me about. Also, Zach is still here. Because of all the times he was called as well to record and for my moral support he stayed. Although most of my friends met him, Danny is the only one still suspicious and distant with him. Distant I understand but why suspicious though.
For now, my plan is simple. Go to hangout. Decorate it a bit. Ask my friends to not show up till at least 6 pm. Because by then I know I would be finished with asking Lee as well as we would have some alone time to enjoy the moment. Buy Lee's favorite cake and play her favorite music while I ask her with a paper inside a balloon. Not that creative I know. I thought of many ideas, but the balloon seems appropriate and perfect for us. It sort of is the best way. We both feel like we were deprived of having a pure unadulterated childhood in some ways. So, we sometimes try to enjoy them among ourselves, which if any of our friends see they always ask us about it. Whether verbally or just by quirking an eyebrow that depends on the situation they witnessed.
I am on my way to the café to get Lee's favorite red velvet cake with cream cheese on top along with vanilla ice cream. It's something she loves, and she particularly likes the one made in the café only. Although taking the ice cream is a little concerning since we do not have a refrigerator at the hangout. Now that I think about it, I should ditch the ice cream altogether or buy it later. I do need to go buy a balloon and then put the paper in it. Which means I would have to blow it up. Damn! Okay. I can do it. I called Tori to pick me up from school today. I cannot go with Lee to get everything ready for her surprise and neither can I go with Jeff who I purposely asked not to go to the hangout till later. Hence, Tori is the perfect option. Plus, with her it would be easier. She would tease a little less than Jeff. Just a tad bit less though. And might also help me with this.
Wrong. First thing Tori did is. She brought Liz. Hence now the three of us are on the way to pick up balloon. Both are equally teasing me about Lee. Great. Oh, also we are going to pick up Alex and James as well. Nice. A family outing. As they take turns in teasing me, I look out the window remembering the first day I met Lee. When Silver brought me to the hangout. It feels so bizarre now remembering it, as if it was a long time ago. But in reality, it was just what maybe almost two years ago now. Wow time flew by, didn't it?
First things first. We bought balloons. Not one but multiple. Because well the shop sells a packet when they are not blown. So now I have I think twenty balloons. Well, they will help me decorate if I want to use them. While Tori and I were shopping for balloons and glitters for decoration Liz picked up the kids. Which is why I was greeted with thin arms as soon as I climbed back in the car. Alex settled herself on my lap nicely as soon as I sat in the car. This prompted James to start crying because Alex took my lap. So, I had to put both of them somehow on my lap in a car. Good thing I do not need much energy later. Oh wait, I do. Because I am the only one decorating the hangout for Lee. Sigh.
"Did you think I would not help you?" Jeff asked as soon as I stepped inside the hangout. I looked at him. Blinked a few times. Because I am certain I am imaging. Didn't I ask him to come to the hangout later? Also, how does he know I need help decorating?
"Damn I told him Kris." Zach says. What? He is here too. How? What is happening?
"Oh, you thought we didn't know?" June asks.
"No, no, she definitely thought we agreed not to come here till what time did you say Kris?" Alice asks in a teasing manner. Now I am really confused.
"Come on guys let's leave Kris alone for now. After all she wants alone time with her soon to be girlfriend." Danny teases and dances his eyebrows.
"So where am I hanging this one guys? Oh, hey Kris." Jake casually says as he saunters into this room. What?
"What? How? Why? Zach too. What is happening?"
"Oh no Kris' brain is short circuiting." Zach announces.
"Good one Zach." Jeff replies.
"No Jeffrey, I think he is telling the truth. Just look at Kris." Danny utters.
I am opening my mouth and closing it. Blinking then rubbing my eyes. Still frozen on the spot. How? Who told them? How do they know? Why do they know? Damn. My brain is buzzing. At one point I do not want my friends here to help me and not let Lee and I have some moment after I ask her. At the same time, I kind of want them there with me. Witnessing it. I feel like I am torn between these two things.
"Shut up Jeffrey. Look at her." Danny voice pierces my mind. No idea what they are talking about. But one thing is clear. I should not be torn between two things when one has clearly been chosen for me.
"How did you guys know?" I ask looking at Zach.
"We sort of deduced it. I mean with you and Charlie getting so cozy. Then with Zach teasing you about asking her. Coupled with the fact that we all knew you just finished with all the recording stuff. So, you know." Jake replies.
"Damn you guys and your deductions skills."
"Not mine Kris." Zach immediately replies. "It was all of them. You have good friends Kris." Zach smiles.
"I know Zachy. Even though they annoy me sometimes."
"That I would say comes with our right of friendship. Doesn't it Alice?" Jeff says. I smile. As Alice hits him.
"Shut up Jeff." Alice says.
"Yes. Shut up Jeff." Danny counters teasing Alice. I start to laugh seeing that. It does feel nice to have friends like them.
I knew it would take us a while to decorate the place and get everything ready. And I was right. When I thought it would just be me, I came up with easy decorations. Not much time consuming and certainly not much energy consuming. But with the help of our friends the room in our hangout is decorated nicely. As the speakers are set up as well. Although I still have no idea how they get electricity here to plug the speakers in. But they come and go, and we use them whenever they appear. That reminds me who really owns them. After everything was being set up, I asked Tori, Liz and the kids to keep Charlie occupied. Alex was happy to do so. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that either of the two nuggets might have spilled my surprise already.
Finally, after I think two and half hour, we were ready. I already got the cake somehow and placed it nearby. It's just something I wanted to have. Not entirely sure why. I mean I am not using it as the thing I ask with. Whatever. I don't think anybody ever said no to having their favorite cake for no reason whatsoever. I text Tori letting her know. She sends me a reply saying Lee is on her way here. But she is a little suspicious. Guess she already knows somethings up. It is probably thanks to all of us disappearing or it's the work of those two small humans.
"Hello. Anybody here?" No one replies. Well, I asked our friends to hide from plain view when she comes in. Because well I am nervous, and I don't think I can ask her nicely if I see our friends gaping as well. I am also sure they will be watching us and probably record it as well. "I know you are in here Kris." Lee shouts.
Lee comes into view and sees me standing in the decorated lighted up room of the hangout with her favorite songs playing in the background softly. Lee gives me a soft smile already. Her eyes light up seeing all this. And this is not even the best part. According to me that is. When she steps in, she puts her hands over her mouth and her eyes glosses over. I smile and present her the cake. She seems to be holding in her tears as they are about ready to spill. But I didn't want to make her sad. I frown seeing that. This was not the reaction I was expecting.
Lee takes the cake from my hand and gives me a one arm hug. Then giddily cuts the cake to eat it. She takes a huge piece and put it in her mouth. I just watch her a little worried because that was a huge piece. But then again, I am just so happy to see this sight. Lee smiling and enjoying cake, without any worry. Her favorite cake. Also, she is looking really good in her blue jeans shorts and white t-shirt. Simple yet sexy. The perfect combination on her. Well, my eyes and certainly my body agrees with me. Lee eats another piece and this time she accidentally smudges cream on the side of her mouth. Something makes me want to wipe it clean. But not with my fingers. So, without warning I take a step towards her and lick it off her face. Lee looks at me shocked for a second before winking at me.
"If you wanted to eat the cake that badly you could have asked."
"Did it seem like I was interested in eating the cake, Lee?"
"With you no one can ever tell." Lee laughed.
"I guess that part is true."
"So why am I standing in a decorated hangout while listening to my favorite songs and eating my favorite cake? Kris what's going on?"
"Yeah. So, I have already planned and thought everything. Except what to say right now. I guess I should just give you this." I then extend the balloon to her.
Lee looks at me suspiciously. Then she puts the cake down after taking another bite. I roll my eyes at that. "What? It's that good." Lee shrugs. I smile and shake my head at her cuteness.
"What am I supposed to do Kris?" Before I could respond she spots something and pokes my shoulder with her finger. "Look there is something inside it. There is something inside the balloon! Can it be something like a candy? Or could it be something by mistake." Lee muses all by herself. She then goes to think by walking two steps away from me. Then she comes back and lifts the cake. "Can't leave the cake here." Lee giggles and tries to run again with both of them.
"Actually, before you run, could you pop the balloon and read the thing inside." I ask her nervously. I glance around and do not spot any of my friends. I am glad because I am sweating, I am that nervous.
"What's inside Kris? Do you know?" Lee asks me with her eyes widening and almost glowing from giddiness. Oh, how much I love you, Lee!
"Just check Lee." Then I hand her a pin. "Here take this." Lee looks at me and then at the balloon.
"Nah. I think I am going to keep it. And when the air runs out, I will check whatever it is that is inside it."
"Lee. Come on." I almost whine. Then I put my hands over my mouth and shake my head. I did not think I would be whining. Lee giggles. Guess she planned to say it just to see me whine.
"You look cute when you whine Kris. You should do it more often. And since you want me to see it so badly. Okay I will. Now give me the pin."
Lee takes the pin. Well almost snatches it from my hand. Then gives me a look before she pops the balloon. It makes a loud noise and we both jump back a little. Because well idiots that we are, we popped it in front of our ears. Then we look at each other and chuckle realizing that. Before Lee reads the paper that she took out. I place my hand over hers. Not quite sure why. I mean I wanted her to see it only. I was waiting. And now I am stopping her. What brain? What is going on with you?
Lee quirks an eyebrow in question. I retrieve my hand and shake my head. Then with my chin I kind of tell her to continue. Lee shrugs and then opens the letter. But before reading the contents she looks at me and gives me a soft smile. One that melts my heart instantly. I think she knows that. I know what the letter reads. After all I wrote it. Yet, watching her reactions while reading it makes me feel like I am reading a story. Her expression as she reads the lines are everything right now. Even though I have no idea if she is liking it or not, the look in her eyes is enough for me to make my heart swell with happiness and love for Lee.
"Did you write this Kris?" Lee asks as she pauses. I nod suddenly I lost my voice. "Its...honestly I have no words to describe it. I love it so much." I nod yet again. Lee's eyes are tearing up again as she finishes it.
I should say it is not really a letter but a poem. Well, few lines of poem. The last few sentences tell Lee my feelings for her which I have not been able to say it directly to her yet. So, I thought of writing it to her. Turns out that was easy for me to do. How? Why? I have no idea. But I was able to. And I am glad for that. I did not write 'I love you' though. That I have it reserved to tell her once she accepts to be my girlfriend.
I can tell Lee is at the line where I ask her to be my girlfriend. So, somehow, I muster up my courage and find my voice to ask her. "So?" One word. That was all I could utter. Then somehow, I am able to choke out, "girlfriend?" Lee nods. Even though I understand, and I am so happy. I still want her to say it. Probably because I know someone is recording it. Or something else. But for whatever reason I am waiting for Lee to utter the simple three letter word which starts with 'y'.
"Yes Kris. Of course, yes." I hug Lee and almost lift her off the ground. Even though she is a little taller than me. Lee gasps at that then giggles. Neither of us can stop our laughter once Lee comes back to ground. Then our eyes meet, and we seem to get transported off to another world. A world where only us exists and it is a wonderful world in my opinion. Slowly as we remain lost in that world the distance between our lips vanishes and all of our feelings seems to be pouring into a simple kiss. I am imaging us to be flying above ground while kissing each other as if it is a show. It feels that phenomenal. Not that every kiss with Lee is not. But this one is raw and is filled with pure emotions which seems to be pouring out of both of us.
"I love you, Lee. I love you so much." I whispered to her. I finally tell her directly.
Our friends come out of their hiding and cheer us. We separate from our kiss. But we still keep our gazes locked onto each other's. I guess it shows we have each other from now on no matter what. And since future is nearby which includes college, we will need the guarantee. I think we have found the person to lean onto. And for me I found it for the second time in this short life of mine. For that I couldn't be happier.