"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up." — Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones
There are times in life when everything around you seems to be in motion while everything inside you seem to pause - as if all the blood that otherwise runs up and down repeatedly from all the adrenaline has frozen deep inside your veins.
Numbness at its very worst, you could say, because there is no visible reaction coming from your physical body, even when the mind feels on a overdrive.
Nandini had a similar epiphany as she stood frozen in shock, her back against the wall, goosebumps all over her as she watched the mighty man in front of her - in tears, hiccuping and in a mess.
Even in her wildest nightmare had she never thought about witnessing a moment so profound - It was almost like she could physically see every chunk of his armor fall apart, bit by bit - torturously slow, but every tear impactful enough to strip him off his strength.
She blinked when her own tears rolled down her cheeks, almost coming back to earth from oblivion, getting her senses back. Her steps faltered as she walked closer to him, falling down on her knees, when she was an inch away from him. She could see her own hands shaking as she leaned forward to hold him by his shoulders, very softly calling his name.
It was then he looked up, his eyes catching her gaze. His own eyes were just as red, a tale of his heartbreak resting in the hollow of his under eyes.
This wasn't Dr. Manik Malhotra, the great psychiatrist of the country, Nandini could tell by the way he was staring at her - staring but not really looking. His gaze was unfocused, he was a in a world of his own, and it tugged her heart to wonder how many times did he visit that place in his mind, alone.
"Manik", Nandini managed to whisper, afraid to speak louder and break this trance they were both being drawn into, but she did shift closer and her hands moved on their own accord, tracing the path from his shoulders to his face as she cupped his cheeks, her thumbs wiping the trail of tears off his skin.
Manik whimpered, flinching slightly as the lost look in his eyes began fading, he now really looked at her - inches away from him, holding his face in her delicate hands, crying for some reason.
He instinctively leaned into her touch, his hands cupping her hands. Nandini smiled between her tears, shifting more closer. He was slightly trembling, she realized, he had goosebumps all over him.
Whatever memory that had been triggered, Nandini concluded, wasn't something superficial, it was embedded in the core of who he was. Or rather it had defined who he was now.
She bit her lower lip, threatening to burst into tears herself but holding onto the last bit of strength she could muster, for him, because right now he needed this breakdown more than her.
"Manik?", Nandini called him out in a whisper, her left hand finding its way to the soft mob of his luscious black hair, as she began running her fingers through it, her right hand still holding his face.
"I didn't do it Nandini", Manik cried out, "Or at least I don't think I did, I mean I don't know, I can't understand", he complained, sounding like a lost child who didn't know how to seek his way home without his mother, and well, that kinda held true for him anyway.
"Do you remember what exactly happened that night? Your last conversation with Aadya? You had a session with her that afternoon right?", Nandini questioned again, trying to see through this chaos he had fallen deep into.
Some part of her, the love stuck admirer part still didn't want to believe he could so anything like that, that he could have any hand in driving a young girl to death.
The other part, the realistic and sane part, who had seen through the reports, who remembered the goof up of medication, who had seen her best friend crying herself to sleep every night for so long, wanted to stick to facts and logics.
Manik frowned, trying to remember the said night.
October 25 - the wretched day came rushing back to him without a lot of effort per se. It wasn't like he could have ever forgotten that day - the session he had with Aadya Verma was still so fresh in his memory.
And why not? It wasn't everyday Manik Malhotra shared his sob story with a patient. It was a move that was driven by pure emotions, and also the one thing he regretted to the very core with every single fibre in his body.
Only if he hadn't.
"Manik?", Nandini called again, worried with the way he was clearly lost in his own world. She hated that she didn't have any access to the tangles of thoughts in his mind, and it wasn't just because she wanted to get to the bottom of Aadya's case, it was also clearly her concern for him.
Manik flinched slightly when she called his name, and suddenly the last 24 hours came rushing back to him with a force so hard, he pushed her away, jerking back in his place.
“It's a habit you have had. First your sister, then your mother, then a stranger. As your father, I have just come here to know if your next prey is ready? Who is it this time? Nandini Murthy?”
The words rang in his ears, hard and he blinked once before squeezing his eyes shut, and all the vulnerability he had been wearing on his sleeve was gone too, back to hiding - Nandini knew that already, even when he hadn't opened his eyes yet.
“Especially now that I hear you already have your new victim. Wouldn't you tell me all about your new found toy?”
Manik fisted his hands, and all he saw was red, when he finally opened his orbs. The vein on his temple throbbing, his eyes almost spitting fire as he glared at Nandini before whispering a stern order out. The fact that she was rubbing her elbow that she had hurt when he pushed her away, her face contorted in pain, only added fuel to this raw anger he was feeling inside, the one burning his own heart.
"GET. OUT. OF. MY HOUSE", he spoke, every word measured, “NOW!!!!".
Nandini wasn't surprised, she had seen this coming very clearly. If she was observant enough to notice when and how his armor fell apart, she was also close and alert enough to see when the pieces fell back in, and even if his facade was now distorted, with crevices and hollow chunks, it was still Manik Malhotra's armor.
"Manik, you don't have to do this", Nandini breathed in calmly, shaking her head at him, "We already know too much about each other. What's the point of going in circles now?"
The offer was downright tempting, it honestly was. After all, he was tired of playing his own game too.
“How do you repeat your mistakes so often Manik?”
The words came rushing again, and he almost winced, physically feeling the pain of those heavy words.
"No thank you!", Manik snarled, gaining back his composure and getting up from the ground, "I don't need your drama because who knows what you are faking and what is true anyway", he gritted his teeth, trying to tone down the malicious words he actually wanted to throw at her.
"Manik-", Nandini tried again, her hand in the air as she began taking a step towards him but he turned his back to her, taking a step back.
"It's Dr. Malhotra for you", he stated firmly, "And for the sake of god, take the hint and leave. I don't trust myself and my anger, I don't want to end up manhandling you or saying something anything to disrespectful to take back. So please, LEAVE!", He turned to look her in the eye and yelled.
Nandini took a minute to respond, before her lips curved up in a small smile, disappointment etched in her pretty doe eyes.
"Throwing me out will not solve this Dr. Malhotra", she replied him like he asked her to, "You have to talk to me, tell me your side of the story because nobody else can. I can only defend you even to myself, to a limited extent. After that, facts will take over my heart. It's on you, if you wanna tangle you and me more, or help me clear this chaos", she continued as calmly as she could, before pausing to look at him, his eyes fixed on hers, and when that tiny moment broke, she picked up her handbag lying on the floor and walked towards the door.
Just before she was about to leave she turned again, only to realize his eyes had been following her all this while, "Change the dressing and get yourself a shot of tetanus", and then she was gone.
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The night had fallen and it was chilly, Nandini realized as she walked out of the apartment complex walking towards the main road. She could book a cab but she preferred to walk for a while, wanting to make sense of whatever happened.
The cat was out of the bag.
They now knew each other, for each other.
And they were still standing on the same crossing, possibly worse because it seemed like being thrown a thousand steps back.
Nandini groaned to herself as she reached the main road, and realized it was past nine. She was about to book herself a cab when a very unfamiliar car stopped right in front of her, sending her heart to a crazy over drive. Clutching her handbag tight to herself, she immediately took a few steps back, contemplating her options for the worst case scenario.
But as the windows rolled down and a familiar pair of brown eyes looked back at her, she relaxed, albeit continued to frown.
The person in the driver's seat gestured her to keep her mouth shut, and not say anything, before opening the passenger gate. Nandini obliged, closing the door after setting in. She saw the person switch her phone off and keeping it aside, before raising a brow at Nandini.
Very confused, and a bit scared, Nandini followed the steps, and kept her phone back in her handbag, before turning to face the mighty Dr. Simran.
Simran finally looked at her, nonchalant about the entire thing and then smiled, "Are you in mood for dinner or just coffee?", she winked.
Nandini only reacted with her jaw hanging open.
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The apartment's silence was Manik's favorite thing about the place, up until today, because right now, it haunted him.
He couldn't sit in the drawing room because it screamed of his father's maliciousness and he couldn't go to his bedroom because not only was it entirely messed up with mirror pieces on the floor, but also because both the rooms would also remind him of his altercations with Nandini - the major reason he was sitting in his study with a bottle of favorite wine.
Nandini Murthy, he cursed as her face roamed in front of him. What was anyone thinking while calling her Cinderella?
She was no where fragile or need-a-fairy-godmother-to-bring-my-dreams-come-true princess. This woman had enough brains to use and carve a path for herself even in this entire mess his life was.
How in the world has she managed to find the original records, he wondered. Weren't they here, at his house? His eyes found the corner shelf they were stacked in neatly, camouflaged between his books and nobody could notice them if they weren't particularly searching for it.
And then it dawned on him.
Damn! She was here searching for the file that day, not poetries.
A small smirk formed on his lips because no matter what, he was impressed, yet again. This girl didn't just have a brain, she also had enough guts to act on it. And right now he was the fool who had let her win right under his nose.
So much for taking pride in himself. His ego and pride both were bruised. He had taken her a little lightly, and his own charms way more seriously. Apparently, they didn't bewitch her like he thought he had. Another colorful string of words left his mouth as he sipped on his wine.
Silence followed for sometime before he heard his name being called.
"Manik?", he turned to look around, his heart in his mouth because this couldn't be true - his mother couldn't be here, calling for him.
"Mom?", he called back, getting up from the bean bag, limping and searching around frantically.
"Manik?", the voice called out again, and this time he saw her, sitting beside the window pane, wearing that nostalgic pinkish satin saree he loved in her wardrobe, her hair tied in a sleek bun.
"Mom!", Manik didn't realize when a sob escaped him as he tried reaching her, but no matter how many steps he took forward, despite the pain in his bandaged foot, the distance between him and her won't decrease. It was insane.
"Manik, listen to me", She spoke again, the love he had been craving for so long dripping from her voice, "Don't do this to yourself Beta. You don't deserve this".
Manik stopped in his tracks, unaware of the heavy tears rolling down his eyes. His mother looked at him with a mix of pity, sympathy and love.
"I am gone. Aadya is gone. But you are here. You are alive. You have to live a life and you deserve better my child", she continued, her eyes gentle.
A loud sob was heard and it took Manik few minutes to realize it was him. His sobs.
"But you said -", he cried, not looking at her, "You screamed at me that I killed her", he shook his head, "You said -", he was cut off by his mother again.
"Manik, you are a psychiatrist. You know dreams better than me. You know it's not me talking to you. It's YOU talking to YOU. Yesterday was your guilt overpowering you, it's what you wanted to hear. Today, I am your subconscious talking to you, bringing to your mind what you NEED to hear. I am no more there, I don't actually exist. But you are holding on to me, my memories, aren't you?", she explained, and he froze, chill running down his spine.
He looked around and everything was spinning. He didn't know what place it was anymore. It looked like his hospital, his cabin.
Aadya Verma sat in a corner, and he could see himself talking to her.
Nandini was sitting in another corner, jolting down notes and he was explaining her something too.
Dr. Malik wa standing outside the door, smiling at him.
His father was standing near his chair, gripping his jaw tight and it was hurting so much.
"Mom!", Manik shrieked as all the parallel images began to crumble, he had never felt fear so profound before.
"Mommmmm!!!!", he called again, desperate, sweating, crying, in pain.
"Let me go Manik, you know what to do", he heard the whisper, as if the air gave him the message. She wasn't there, but her love was a voice he could hear forever.
"Mom!", Manik woke up with a jerk, trembling from the after effect of this bone chilling dream he thought was reality.
The bottle of wine was still in his hands, he had slept while sitting on the bean bag. His books were around him. The place was familiar. It was his house.
He counted till ten to regulate his breathing, and then rushed to pick up a pen and paper before writing everything he remembered of the dream, from the dream. He knew he was possibly going to forget all about it in some time.
Taking a deep breath, he exhaled loudly before his eyes found the wall clock. It was ten thirty in the night.
Then his door bell rang, for the third time in this wretched day.