It was a struggle to open my eyes. I fought against the heavy pull of sleep that held my body under strong arrest. Sleep was comfort, but it was not oblivion. I thrashed and felt clammy discomfort prickle across my skin. The pillow cradled my head, the angle a bit too sharp. The blanket was too hot, but when I kicked it off I froze. Nearby someone breathed, the press and suck of their steady breath washed across my neck.
I opened my eyes. An exhaustion I had never known filled my body with lead. A dull, lingering ache lived in my chest, the muscles around my ribs sore. I felt them with every inhale.
The room, my room, was lit by dozens of candles. A fire roared in the grate. The curtains were closed tight, a fine seam of light bleeding in around the edges. Gauging by the color of the light and the hushed, shuffling sounds of the castle, I determined it was early morning. The room should have been dark. The candles should have been extinguished. There should only be a lifeless pile of coals in the fireplace.
I didn't understand. I didn't care. I was too tired.
A weight was uncomfortable on my stomach. Alex's arm draped across my torso. His body wrapped around mine. It was his breath on my neck.
Though my mind was foggy, this closeness made me smile. It reassured something in me; I didn't know what. I allowed myself to be dragged back into the nothingness of sleep.
The next time I woke up, the curtains were open, and the room was full of light. Alex was gone, but in his place was Wallis, sitting beside me on the bed reading a book with a labored scowl.
I still couldn't move. I was an empty vessel.
"Hi, sleepy aunty," Wallis said with a wide grin.
"Hi, baby."
"Innis gave me this to read. She said it came from uncle Calum's library."
I smiled at her, my mouth protesting the stretch. "Is it good?"
"I think so. The queen is trying to bring her sister back from the dead with black salt." Wallis went back to her story, a gleam in her eyes.
Amusement rippled through me. Only Calum would consider that a suitable story for a child. Forcing myself out of bed, I concentrated all my might on sitting upright and swinging my legs off the mattress. I shuddered when my bare feet touched the cold floor. As quickly as I could, fighting the muscles that refused to support my weight, I rang for the servants. I made my way back to the bed and fell asleep yet again.
I woke when I heard soft shuffling and the hiss of whispers. Opening my eyes, I saw maids going about their work in the rooms. Stoking the fire, arranging a tray of food, tidying as best they could around their sleeping mistress.
Alex was back, sitting at a makeshift desk he had dragged to the side of the bed. A worried expression lined his face as he studied me. Our eyes met and held for a long moment. The memory of my scene in the kitchen flooded me. I couldn't stand to look at him and remember it, so I laid back against the pillows and closed my eyes.
"Morning," I croaked, my throat raw.
There was the sound of movement, the rustle of skirts, the slip of light footsteps. The opening and closing of the door.
Then a command. "Eilean, look at me." Alex's voice was clear and gentle.
I opened my eyes and found him bent over me. He sighed with relief. "It's not morning, it's nearly dinner time," he said, standing and collecting a tray of food from the desk. He settled it on my lap. "Sit up."
I did so, fighting the weakness in my bones. Looking down at the bowl of clear soup and pot of tea before me, I wasn't sure if the effort had been worth it. I picked up a plain roll and nibbled on it. A kind of desperation within me demanded that I explain myself, clear the air, and beg his forgiveness.
Instead, again, I took the coward's route. "Did the hunting party return?"
"Around noon," he said. "They carried back enough game to last us through the next month. Alex seemed impressed, even if his polite tone cooled his warm voice.
My skin was goosebumped with discomfort. I told myself that all was well so long as he was here, by my side. He hadn't left.
I ate in silence, Alex watching me patiently as I slurped my soup and tea. More than any other disagreement, this one locked us in a battle of wills. Who would break first would determine the outcome.
The warm liquids filled my stomach, and I felt better, more alert. A maid took my tray and Alex dismissed her with a nod, thanking her for her help.
Alone now, I wished we were not. The threat of the conversation to be hung heavy over me like an executioner's axe. Alex blinked at me, his face a serene mask of unhurried expectation. He would wait me out.
With a heavy sigh, I looked down at my hands. I was exhausted. Run-ragged at hiding from my feelings. Denying what I wanted. Consequences be damned. If what Innis had suggested was true — that little could stop us because of our combined wealth and territory — then what the hell was I waiting for?
"I am glad you are here," I started, twisting my fingers in my lap. It was a lame opening line.
"Eilean, look at me," Alex said.
I did so, meeting his unruffled stare. His eyes drooped with his own exhaustion. Only now did a tight sense of apprehension pull his mouth into a grimace. He opened his mouth.
Claiming courage I didn't feel, acting before I had my words figured out, I cut him off. "I want to apologize. About... well... for my behavior last night. For the way I've always acted regarding... us."
I scowled, not sure how to say what I felt. My thoughts were fast and wild, confusing. Too much to admit at once. So many emotions and situations unexamined and unexpressed after our years together. Shaking my head, I tried to continue. I pressed a hand to my chest. "I don't know how to say what I'm feeling."
Alex wove his hands through the ball of my fist in my lap. A gentle encouragement.
"I've only begun to let go of the hurt of my family's abandonment. Even saying that word, 'abandonment', feels so accusatory." I shook my head. "That's what it was, right?"
I looked at Alex and he opened his mouth, but I held up my hand, eager to get through this. Struggled to rein in my feelings, to keep my chin from quivering. I fought against the familiar creep of the misty veil in my mind that had always swept in to protect me from feeling too much. The panic, the rage, the confusion, the fear came rushing back; ready to be wiped out by my overwhelming need to numb myself. Today, for Alex, for myself, I would embrace it; hoping to banish it for good.
"I held that against you. I held it against everyone in some way or another. Bess, Wallis, Calum, Innis... I thought that if I kept everyone at a distance, then it wouldn't hurt me when they left. If they left. I always assumed they would."
Alex stood and pivoted, sitting on the bed, facing me. "I will not abandon you."
"You did before," I croaked. "Not... not when we were young, but at the start of the war."
Alex sighed, nodding. "Can you forgive me for being a frightened, weak man? Yes, I followed your family across the sea, not to a battlefield, but it was a retreat all the same. I didn't understand, didn't know what to do with the powerful, terrifying things I felt for you. Figuring out a war seemed easier than figuring out my heart." He held our hands to his chest, desperation painting his face.
"I know," I whispered. "Neither of us is innocent. We could not have known what madness was ahead."
Alex held me in thrall with the answering fire in his eyes, the power of his voice as he said, "What I was unsure of then, I am certain of now. I would never dream of forcing you from your home. I meant what I said. I will give it all up. For you. Ellesmure needs you, deserve you, more than the Fist ever needed me."
"I am so scared," I admitted, shaking under the threat of coming undone.
Fear had been my closest companion, always luring me with its false promise of safety. When had my soul, my spirit, my heart, my mind ever doubted Alex? Though I trembled with the weight of what he was suggesting, perhaps I was more frightened I might have a chance at happiness. I had been a fool not to ask Alex last night, a fool not to tell him. I would be a fool now to let another second pass without its confirmation.
"Alex," I breathed, my voice a shiver.
He gazed at me, all reservations absent from his expression. There was only longing, hunger, and hope. The intoxicating lift of a smile. The light danced in his eyes.
"You've never said it," I whispered.
"Do you need me too?" He gave me his most heartbreaking grin.
"I don't know," I said through a laugh, feeling dizzy. "Yes. Maybe."
Alex laughed to himself. He leaned in, tears sparkling like silver in his eyes, and pressed a solemn kiss to my lips. A fleeting, light, teasing thing. He looked deep into my eyes, rested his hands on my cheeks.
"Eilean, I love you."
I couldn't breathe. Warmth exploded in my chest. I reached for him, needing him, pulling his body against mine. I sobbed into Alex's shoulder. He was whole and complete and soothed the ragged edges of my soul. The hope, the pain, the emptiness — gone. Consumed and reborn by three simple words.
Alex let me cry, stroking my back and kissing the top of my head. He muttered words I didn't hear, but I knew were a repeat of the sentiment. Words he had always said in actions and deeds. His steadfastness had been evidence enough. I had always seen his love but never wanted to believe it was more than a mirage.
Alex pulled me from the protection of his arms and kissed me deliberately. A tenderness passed from his lips to mine. A bright fire was alive in my chest, the last defense of the fear. I pushed past it, barreled through it.
"I love you," I whispered against his lips, overcoming control of my most secret feelings.
The pounding of my heart drowned out the sound of my confession, but I knew I had spoken the words as tears slid down Alex's cheeks. A smile that could rival the midsummer sun lit up his entire face.
"I'm still scared," I repeated.
"I know," he said, holding my face. His thumbs moved in slow circles over my wet cheeks. "You don't have to be. And one day, you won't be. I'll be here. I will always be here."
For the first time, I let myself believe it. Believe that someone could love me.