Chaos
Chapter 6
"Excuse me," McGonagall said to Crystal "Have you seen Mr Potter?" She asked "Harry?" Crystal asked, before adopting a thinking expression "Um, about ten minutes ago, in our common room. Last I checked he said he had something important to do and he'd be right back" "Did he say what?" McGonagall asked with a feeling of dread "Not really" Crystal shrugged "You'll never catch me, Potter!" Came the voice of Seamus Finnegan as he ran past them at an incredible speed with Harry chasing after him "OI!" Harry shouted, "THEM'S ME LUCKY CHARMS YOU FUCKING WANKER!" "Found him" Crystal pointed in the direction Harry was running "Thank you," McGonagall said dryly "You're welcome" Crystal beamed before skipping away"Sweet Merlin, he's corrupted her" McGonagall shivered "Oh, hi Professor Riddle," Harry said as he ran past Quirrell "W...what?!" Quirrell shouted, "I said 'Hi Professor Quirrell'!" Harry shouted as he continued running away "Seamus, I will kneecap you!" "You'll never get me!" Seamus shouted back "If I find my rabbit's foot is missing then expect my own foot to make its way up your..."
"Mr Potter" Dumbledore said as he sat at his desk in his office, Severus Snape stood on his right side and Minerva McGonagall stood on his left. On the other side of the desk, Harry sat with a very innocent look as he smiled at the three "We are here to discuss your behavior" "Really? Why? There are far more interesting things to discuss" Harry said "For example did you know that the Peregrine Falcon is in fact the fastest animal in the world, at least in the muggle world. I don't actually know what the fastest magical animal is, do you?" "Hmm, actually I do not" Dumbledore responded "On one hand you could say Phoenixes as they just flame travel to wherever they want but I assume you are referring more to fast as in physically running or flying, in that case, I would have to say..." "Albus, enough, I don't care about your blasted birds!" Snape interrupted "Ah, sorry" Dumbledore smiled sheepishly before turning back to Harry "Now Harry, we need to discuss your behavior. I have a list of lines that I'm told you had to write" "Oh really?" Harry asked "Yes" Dumbledore pulled out a long list and began reading them "We would've done this last week but then that incident happened and you had to quickly leave my office" "What incident?" Harry asked "The one with my beard!" Dumbledore glared at him just as Harry went into flashback "Ah, Harry" Dumbledore said as Harry entered his office, Snape was on his right and McGonagall stood on his left, as usual. "I need to discuss your behavior with you" "Okay, by the way, sir, I hate to ask but your beard is really long, it must be fake, right?" Harry asked "I assure you" Dumbledore leaned back and placed his arm protectively around his beard "It is quite real," He said, remembering the last time Harry Potter had got near his beard. "If you're sure" Harry shrugged "I am" "Are you?" "Yes" "Very?" "Very what?" "Very sure?" "Yes, yes I am" "How sure?" "As sure as can be" "As sure as shurly the shurry shore whore who is quite sure?" "I do not know who that is but my beard is real" "Are you a hundred percent sure?" "Yes" "Two hundred percent?" "Yes" "Are you positive?" "Yes, I..." "Are you negative?" "No, I believe that..." "Oh for Merlin's sake!" McGonagall interrupted "Can we just get on with this?""Sure" Harry smirked "Ooh, lemon drop" He reached out and took one of Dumbledore's lemon drops"Now Harry" Dumbledore started"Ooh lemon drop," Harry said again as he took another lemon drop"Harry, I..." "Ooh lemon drop" "You're eating them quite fast" Dumbledore noted "Now Harry I..." "Ooh lemon drop," Harry said again"Damn, they are quite tempting" Dumbledore admitted "but we really must.." "Ooh lemon drop," Harry said again "Enough of this!" Snape snapped and vanished the lemons with his wand "You..." Harry's lips trembled "Evil bastard!" He said before slamming his head on the desk, from the looks of it he was crying "Severus!" Dumbledore admonished before he leaned over the desk and patted Harry on the shoulder "There, there Harry. I understand I'm quite upset too" "AHA!" Harry grabbed Dumbledore's beard and started pulling, looking at Dumbledore with a maniacal grin "OH SHIT!" Dumbledore cursed as Snape and McGonagall tried pulling him away "I knew it was fake!" Harry shouted as he kept pulling "Harry! Harry stop that hurts!""Nearly there! YAAARGGHH!" "OWWWWW!" "Hmm," Harry said after the end of his flashback "I don't recall" "Anyway" Dumbledore glared at Harry for a little bit longer before reading the list "here are some of the things that you've had to write for lines in detention: "I will not test if Malfoy's hair gel is inflammable" "That was me checking out a potential danger" Harry pointed out "I will not bungee jump off the Astronomy tower" Dumbledore continued "Is there a better place to bungee jump off?" Harry asked "I will not try to get a pet acromantula from the forbidden forest" "But Lee Jordan has a spider" Harry pointed out "His spider can't eat people" Snape replied "We live in a world where shrinking potions are a thing" Harry argued "let's not dismiss things that are unlikely to happen" "I will not steal Mrs Norris from Mr Filch" Dumbledore continued reading "I was freeing her if anything" Harry replied "I will not lock Professor McGonagall and Mrs Norris in a room to promote lesbian relationships" "Oh come on, the chemistry was there, how is encouraging romance a crime?" Harry said, meanwhile McGonagall appeared to be trying to destroy him with her glare. "I will not tell spend a whole day missing class because a lion died" "A lion?! A lion?! He was no mere lion, thank you very much! MUFASA WAS A KING!" Harry roared "Poor Simba" He added after wiping a tear "stupid scar and his stupid face and his stupid on the nose, or in his case face, name." "Uh...yes, anyway, moving on. Another line you've had to write was 'I will not add Bueller to Professor Binns's roster.' You've also had to write 'I will stop doing cartwheels and flips while running around the castle and shouting 'Parkour' after every few seconds'". "What am I supposed to shout then?" Harry asked, " "He means don't do it at all, you brat!" Snape snapped "You love me really" Harry winked and grinned at him, causing the man to glare at him hard enough to make most people feel like death was approaching. "Continuing" McGonagall frowned at the both of them before reading the next line on the list "'I will not add yardsticks to the top of Ravenclaw tower,' why did you do that?" "Oh, a Gryffindor annoyed me so I thought I'd annoy them by helping Ravenclaw have a bigger tower, as of this moment Ravenclaw beats your tower by at least two yards" "Fine then Potter, why did you have to write 'I will not charge at students whilst on a unicorn?'" Snape asked "Because...I charged at students whilst on a unicorn" Harry said "I would've thought that that would've been self-explanatory" "Don't take that attitude with me boy" "Continuing" Dumbledore frowned "You've also had to write 'I will not trick Crabbe and Goyle into giving into giving Malfoy and Ron black eyes" "Now hold on, I did not do that" Harry objected "I merely told Goyle that I heard rumors that Crabbe punched harder, he disagreed and I challenged him to punch the first person he saw, who happened to be Malfoy. Crabbe felt a bit left out so he went and punched Ron" "I will not punch people because they place toilet rolls under instead of over" "I can't think of a greater crime than that" Harry shrugged"I will not hex people for putting the milk in before the cereal" "Scratch that, that is the biggest crime I can think of" Harry said "milk before the cereal, bloody barbarians" "That was not a good enough reason to hex people" McGonagall scolded "Than what is?!" Harry spoke in a way that lead you to believe he was questioning the existence of everything "I can't think of a greater crime than that!" "Not even torture?" Snape raised an eyebrow"If I may continue" Dumbledore said "Ah yes, here is a lovely line that says 'I will not steal the headmaster's lemon drops' "I'm sorry are these yours?" Harry asked as he popped some lemon drops into his mouth after taking them from a bowl in his hand "Yes...those...are mine" Dumbledore said, trying to reign in his anger "Whoops, sorry" Harry placed the bowl down "Quite alright" Dumbledore sighed "I think it's best if I just read the rest out loud, now please don't interrupt. Here we are: 'I will not instigate revolutions...again'
'They are laughing at me, not with me'
'I will not fake my way through life'
'I will not demand my fangirls to offer me a sacrifice'
'Draco Malfoy is not an arrogant twit'
Ronald Weasley is not a lanky twat'
'Hermione Granger is not learning as much as possible so she can overthrow Great Britain'
'I will not do that thing with my tongue, nor will I do that thing with my toe'
'I can't change the spelling of words to whatever I want'
'I will stop cursing'
'I will stop actually cursing'
'I will not try to get people in school to pledge their allegiance to me'
'Chaos is not a real religion, nor do I follow it, and it does not give me permission to do whatever I want'
'I will stop doing whatever I want'
'Written pieces of paper that say 'I can do whatever I want do not count as permits that will allow me to do whatever I want'
'High explosives and schools do not mix'
'I will not attempt to buy a dragon from Hagrid'
'Underwear must be worn on the inside'
'I will stop reminding people my mother is better than theirs'
'Having a prankster for a father and one for a godfather does not give me the right to prank Draco Malfoy for seven days in a row'
'I will not yell 'he's dead' or 'she's dead' during roll calls'
'I will not do prank floo calls'
'Ronald Weasley does not bounce'
'My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man'
'People will not morph if you squeeze them hard enough'
'I will not waste an hour in potions class to create shampoo for Professor Snape'
'Adding 'just kidding' does not make it okay to insult Professor Snape'
'I will stop insulting Professor Snape'
'I will not keep throwing balls of wool at Professor McGonagall'
'I will not address Professor McGonagall as pussy'
'I am not my own long lost twin'
'I will not start fires to test our fire drills''No body cares what my definition of 'is' is''The headmaster is not a goat''I will not try to see if I can find a bezoar in the headmasters stomach''I will not scream for ice cream''Setting a record amount of punishments is not a dream goal''I have achieved my dream goal but I shouldn't be proud of it''And I will not wait for Professors to finish speaking before I leave' Wait what?"The three professors looked up to see that Harry had actually gone."How'd he do that?!" Snape demanded"I don't know" McGonagall looked around the room"I'm afraid we have bigger problems" Dumbledore said"What problems?" McGonagall asked"He took my lemon drops...again!""Great double potions" Crystal sighed as she sat next to Harry in potions class"Oh, my poor lovely girlfriend" Harry stroked her head "don't worry, I'm here for you""Thank you" Crystal sighed in the calm and relaxing feeling she got from Harry's hand "you're the best""Yes, yes I am" Harry agreed "now remember, if you can get through watching Ronald Weasley eat then you can get through this""Hmm, you're right" She said determinedlyThe door opened, except this time it didn't snap open like it normally did. No, this time it was much slower. Harry raised an eyebrow, apparently Snape was beginning to learn his lesson."Quiet you insolent brats!" Snape speed-walked into the classroom and towards his desk, leaving Harry to believe that Snape hadn't actually learnt his lesson. "The potion is on the board, read it! Make it! And shut up!""So Crystal, I'll set up and you get the supplies" Harry said"Twenty points for talking!" Snape snapped as he sat down and began reading his book, that action may or may not have erased any thought Harry may have had about not messing around today.Half an hour later, Harry ended up with something...though he really didn't know what it was. All he knew was that he probably didn't want to drink it, might have been because it was black, might have been because steam was coming out of it, might have been because everyone who breathed it in ends up looking like they're constipated. Just in case, Harry put a bubblehead charm on himself and Crystal."Okay, what did you do now?" Crystal asked"Um...not sure" Harry admitted"Ahh!" A feminine shriek came from Ron "Spiders! Spiders!""Oh, it's a fear gas" Harry realised "hmm, not bad if I do say so myself""No!" Hermione shrieked "It was only one mark Professor! Only one!""Weird but not totally unexpected!""Crocs!" Malfoy screamed "Crocs!""I sincerely hope he is referring to the animal" Harry frowned"Yellow! Yellow!" One Hufflepuff screamed"How does that work?" Crystal asked, clearly confused"Zombies! Zombies!" One muggleborn cried"Okay, little better" Harry nodded"Duck! Ducks!" A Gryffindor screamed"Umm...well...I guess I can understand that...sort of" Harry shrugged"Poetry!" A Ravenclaw screamed"The fuck is wrong with these people?" Harry said"Snakes!" Another student screamed"Okay, that's good, we're going back to the good bits" Harry smiled"Beards! Big long beards!""Mental note, lock that person in a room with Dumbledore one day" Harry whispered to himself"Snape! Snape!" A Ravenclaw shouted"Understandable" Harry said in an understanding way"Also, Snape" Crystal pointed at Snape who was frozen in terror "wonder what he's thinking of""I don't, I'll read his mind" Harry said"You can do that?" Crystal blinked "Wait, you shouldn't do that, it's wrong""Yeah...but it's Snape..." Harry argued"...""...""...""...""Fine go ahead" She shrugged"And that's why I love you" Harry grinned before looking into Snape's mind "okay, let's see what we've got, I'm expecting something good and oh...that's weird""What is it?""Well...it's me" Harry admitted"Really?" Crystal asked"Well, it's me except instead of one regular me, there are twenty baby versions of me riding on baby werewolves...whilst playing the clarinet""Huh?"I am not joking" Harry promised "well, I can understand the werewolves and me, but what about the clarinets?""Why don't you read his mind more and find out?""Because that will involve me being more intimate with Snape and I am barely able to stand being in the same room as him" Harry replied as he exited Snape's mind"Hmm, well he can't find it that scary" Crystal saidSnape's mind told a completely different story as he found himself stuck looking at baby versions of Harry Potter, the horrible proof that James potter had sex with Lily, riding little werewolves and playing the clarinet. The damn clarinet! He never feared any thing more than clarinet's, thanks to James Potter and the blasted Sirius Black!His eyes widened as he saw the demon children speak, all opening their mouths at once"Snaaaaaappppppppeeeeee" The demonic voice echoed. Snape began shaking violently, sweat poured down his forehead as his hands shivered."It's like every nightmare I ever had fused together, cloned itself, fucked the clone and then made those!" Snape gestured wildly with his arms at the reasons why he would never sleep again"We're watching you" They smiled"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!""Yeah, he's probably fine" Harry nodded in agreement"Yeah" Crystal smiled"Let's get out of here just in case""Oh heck yes"