hajime locked the door behind us and collapsed onto the bed, trying to catch his breath after that reckless experience. he came down to get me from the basement again but this time it didn't go as smoothly: a caretaker very nearly caught us.
"that was terrifying..." i muttered, also a little short of breath.
"thank you again." i turned to him. he gave me a small smile as he slowly sat up at the edge of the bed.
"you have your night clothes with you this time." he observed. i felt awful about subjecting him to sleep next to my half naked body the last time this happened, i didn't want to put him through that again.
"that's a shame..." i stopped instantly, feeling my face heat up like a lantern. i didn't know what to do or say. was i supposed to hear that?
"i was joking. sorry. bad joke." i finally let go of the breath i'd been holding and nodded in understanding. it still felt like i was blushing wildly though.
"you should get some sleep then." he advised me. there's a small problem with that...
"um...do you have any books in here or something? i'll just read that instead." the boy sat across from me seemed confused.
"but aren't you tired?" he queried. i sighed and shook my head.
"ohhh...in all honesty, neither am i." i grinned and sat down on the bed, laying underneath the blanket and trying to get comfortable.
"wanna just talk for a bit?" hajime inquired.
"sure. what do you wanna talk about?" there was a short silence before he answered my question.
"you." i thought he was kidding. but after more and more deafening silence i realised he was deadly serious. nobody ever really wanted to talk about me, and when they did it was purely out of being nosy.
"why?"
"i want to know as much as i can about you. so tell me anything that comes to mind." a lot came to mind as soon as he said that, but it was all stuff i never spoke about with anybody except maki. hajime is a nice guy though. he's kind and trustworthy...perhaps i could tell him a little bit.
"um...i'm not really sure where to start...or what to say..."
"you could tell me about why you're in here. if you're okay with that." my heart was racing a mile a second. opening up about this is terrifying.
"my parents died when i was eight. plane crash." there was a silence that made my entire body shiver. i started to regret opening my mouth in the first place. i could have lied or just avoided the question completely. but still, i felt obliged to tell him.
"i'm so sorry...that's horrible." was all hajime could muster. i understood. it's not something you're ever prepared to hear. it's not something people really know how to react to.
"that crash is how i lost my arm." he turned to his other side to face me, gazing right into my eyes.
"you were in the crash?" i nodded.
"i was the only one who survived." his eyes were filled to the brim with sorrow and empathy. though he didn't quite seem to know what to say. i guess he's never had anybody tell him they lost their arm in the same crash that killed their parents.
"i'm sorry...i don't know what else to say except i'm sorry." i gave him a small smile.
"it's fine. you don't have to apologise. you don't have to say anything if you don't know what to say." he let out a sigh and nodded slowly.
"i can't imagine what it must have been like." he muttered, clearly acting cautious about what he told me. he didn't have to walk on eggshells around me. unless what he said was just awful and mocking then i wouldn't get offended.
"pretty horrible. i had to wait for hours for someone to actually get me any help. i thought i was going to die." my voice cracked as i spoke. i didn't want to get emotional. not in front of hajime. i needed to act calm and collected about this. i couldn't afford to get upset and make a fool out of myself.
"could they not help your parents?"
"nothing could have been done. they were dead in their seats when i initially woke up after we crashed." for a second he looked completely mortified. watching your parents die isn't really something eight year old boys do.
"that's...that's just..."
"horrible. i know." it was at this point i wanted to move on from the subject. there wasn't really much else to say and i was getting distressed conversing about it. hajime seemed a bit awkward about it as well. it was probably bothering him to have to discuss something so depressing.
"i know you said you weren't really a huggy kind of person but...can i...?" hajime trailed off but i knew exactly what he was trying to ask me. nobody had hugged me in years. maki never gave me a single hug, not even when she left to pursue her career as an assassin. but a hug with him sounds kind of nice...i guess it wouldn't hurt.
"um...sure. just a quick one." i replied, a little unsure of my decision. it didn't take long for the other boy to wrap his arms around me and pull me in closer towards him for a tight hug. the hug was warm. comforting. reassuring. for the first time in years i felt safe. but within a matter of seconds my heart began to sting painfully. i felt a cold tear roll down my cheek.
"hey...are you alright? do you want me to stop?" hajime instantly began to query, the worry and concern in his voice rising. i shook my head, grabbing onto him tighter, almost as if it were for dear life.
"but you're crying. what's wrong?" i thought my tears weren't obvious but i guess i was incorrect about that one. i let out my first small sob, trying my hardest to stifle it and choke back even more tears.
"it's just...you..."
"i what? am i doing it wrong?" i shook my head vigorously.
"you...hug like my mom..." i couldn't control my crying any longer. all i could do now was try to keep it at a low volume so a caretaker wouldn't hear me. hajime hesitated for a moment, not saying or doing anything. but after a few seconds he gave me a tight squeeze and pulled me into the embrace even more.
"it's okay. i'm sorry this is upsetting you. but i'm here." he repeated those words over and over again: 'it's okay'. when would he realise that phrase that i've heard for years now was just a bunch of bullshit?
"do you want me to stop?" i shook my head once more. it was true the hug was reminding me of my mom, someone who i loved and missed dearly. but this hug was what i really needed. after everything that had happened lately, i needed this moment. i needed to feel this sort of connection with someone else. i just wanted to feel safe.
"it's okay. it's okay." he muttered again and again and again. no matter how many times he said it, i knew it wouldn't be okay. suddenly, i felt a warm hand begin to run itself through my hair, gently rubbing my scalp and the back of my neck. this is really nice. i've never had this before.
my cries stopped. tear after tear still fell delicately down my face but the dreadful sobbing noises had ceased. this experience was so...i don't even know how to describe it.
"are you okay with me doing this?" i nodded, afraid that if i spoke the crying would begin once more. and so i laid there, wrapped up in hajime's embrace with his soft hand in my hair. i haven't felt this comfortable and protected in a long time.
my eyeslids began to feel incredibly heavy. i thought it may have been best to move away so we didn't fall asleep like this, but i was enjoying it too much to do that. besides, is it such a bad thing if we sleep like this? it's comfortable.
"are you sleepy?" his voice suddenly called out to me in the darkness.
"yeah..." i croaked. i wasn't expecting to then feel a gentle kiss being planted on my forehead. i couldn't help but smile.
"goodnight." hajime called out once more. even after wishing me goodnight, he didn't move a muscle. i guess that means it's okay to stay like this.
"goodnight." i returned the phrase and slightly nuzzled into him a little. being with him like this was the only thing that had made me genuinely happy in so long. why can't it be like this forever?