Comfortable silence is so overrated
—harry styles
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All I Want - Kodaline
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CAMERON
Pulling my black Nike hoodie up, I lumbered through the school hallways like a literal zombie.
I hadn't slept properly in over 30 hours. I'd tried to. But every time I laid down, closing my eyes and trying to relax, my body would stiffen as if it was being dipped into ice water.
It'd adapted this tense agitation ever since I'd witnessed my girlfriend being hit by a car.
This was the second car accident involving someone that meant a lot to me, that I had been at fault in. The thought drove me insane. Made me want to jump off a high building. I didn't know when and how I'd manage to sit behind the wheel the next time. Scratch that, I didn't know when and how I'd manage to just sit in a car the next time.
Talk about trauma.
It was Monday, and the only reason I wasn't skipping school was that threadlike possibility of meeting Audrey here. However naive and however improbable that possibility was. I held on to that thread, tighter than ever. But of course, she didn't come.
I had risked calling her three times on Sunday. Each one went unanswered. I'd told myself that it was alright, that she was still recovering, that I needed to give her space.
But with each lifelong minute that dripped past without talking to her, the knot that my stomach was tied into, got tauter and tauter. It would kill me, sooner or later. I needed to see her.
I remembered fighting my way into that hospital room, pushing through nurses and doctors, paying 0 attention to all their "You can't go in there"s and "You can't be here" s. They'd given up, in the end, leaving me on the bed next to the one Audrey was on — the only other bed in the room.
I'd honestly attempted to sleep somewhere through the night. I'd get into some snippy phases of relative calm, I'd drift off, but would wake up less than an hour into them.
There was no way I could've fallen asleep. Not until my girlfriend woke up.
So I stayed up, listening to the soothing patterns of her breathing, watching her. My eyes trailed through all of the familiar details of her peaceful face. The sweetness of her rose lips, the dip of her cute little nose, the delicateness with which her eyelashes rested on her sunkissed cheeks. I knew, by heart, the mellow tone of honey that her eyes would sparkle with.
If only she'd open them. I'd nosedive right into the comforting sweetness of that honey. I'd never let her close those beautiful eyes again.
She'd wake up, I kept telling myself. She'd wake up, we'd talk, sort everything out and it would all go back to normal again.
If only she'd just wake up.
I didn't get the chance to be there when it happened.
Her mother practically forced me out come morning, insisting on how my parents were probably worried sick. I wasn't going to explain to her right then that my parent probably hadn't even noticed I wasn't home. I just gave in.
Sydney texted me that she woke up right when I'd already arrived home. I'd have left everything then and there and bolted back to the hospital if it weren't for her subsequent message to better give her some space for today.
Whatever that was supposed to mean. But I didn't want to push it.
The insufferable school day was eventually over, the walk to the outside lawn feeling more relieving than ever today. I suddenly stopped in my tracks, my eye catching the sight of a familiar figure leaning on a shiny Mercedes, waiting for someone.
I squinted my eyes. Calum.
Thanks to that tall, brown-haired girl — Tiffany — I had a reason for the rage that fueled up inside of me at his appearance.
She'd come to the hospital that night, looking even more distraught than myself. She was impatient to tell me something — I could see how badly she wanted to let it drop.
So she stayed after the others had left, stayed with me in that room with Audrey, and told me.
Told me everything she saw happen on the dancefloor when I wasn't there, told me what Calum's unabashed ass was about to do with my girlfriend.
And if it hadn't been for Audrey unconsciously lying beside us at that moment, and the restless state of my mind due to that, my reaction would've been feral.
I would've flown straight back to that humongous castle to find this dude, wrench his guts out and force-feed them to him.
But fortunately for him, I wasn't as childish as himself. Besides, I had cooled off a little. I'd no desire of playing a role in Danielle and Calum's immature little drama. The thought alone made me want to puke.
Throwing my hood off, I strode straight up to him. "What are you doing here?" My eyes were still squinted.
He passed me a barefaced look. "You have the audacity to be asking me that after what happened this weekend?"
My blood boiled. What? "The hell's that supposed to mean?" Fury was building up in my tone of voice.
He placed his hands into his pockets, the irking conceit across his face expression not dissipating a bit. "You're gonna deny it?"
"Deny what?!" I was already beginning to lose it.
He raised his brows, unflinching. "The fact that you made out with my girlfriend, becoming, therefore, the direct cause of Audrey's accident?"
I blinked blankly. Did he really just —"What the h— you have the nerve to try and turn the tables now and make me the bad guy?!" I marveled, not trying to suppress my indignation. "Who the heck d'you think you are, fancy-pants? You think I don't know that you've tried to kiss my girlfriend?"
His face lit up, off-guard. Seems like he didn't.
"What did you even come here for?" Spectacle-hungry students began looking our way, noticing the potential fight developing.
"Asides from the fact that it's none of your business, I came to talk to Audrey," his brazen tone was really getting on my nerves now.
"The hell'd you have to talk to her about?" I barked, stepping towards him, menacingly. He took a cautious step back.
"Listen, dude. I see why you're mad but, let's be honest here. I've known her for much longer than you. We'd been dance partners for years. I'm not saying you don't deserve her but. . . it would make more sense for her to be with me rather than—"
"Alright, that's it. I've had enough of you," I came at him, thrusting him from his overly comfortable position and preparing to aim an actual, solid punch. His discourse had been blowing my mind.
I could hear sudden scuttling close behind me. "Hey, hey, chamo," Brent was quick to appear from behind, grasping my swung arm.
Ashton followed behind. "Everything alright?" He asked guardedly, eyes bouncing from Calum, to the crowd of prying high schoolers assembled behind us.
I dropped my arm, shaking Brent's heedful grip off and releasing a breath.
I turned to the crowd, who were watching us as if we were in an episode of the Kardashians. "What? Do y'all want popcorn or anything?" I snapped at them all.
I uncurled my fists, trying very hard to contain the furor racing through my veins. "Don't you dare pull this crap again, you understand? Leave her alone." I seared him with my stare.
He lead his hand through his lustrous hair, pretentiously. "Whatever, dude."
"See you guys," I muttered to Brent and Lopez shallowly, before exhaling another heavy sigh and stalking the hell away from there.
* * *
AUDREY
By Sunday afternoon, Dr Dallas let me out of the hospital. I spent the rest of the day at home, with my mom and sister. We both helped Mom in the kitchen, all the while trying to convince her to go and join us for our family movie night. We were going to watch the Bring it On film by Peyton Reed.
Mom told us she'd "think about it" and sent us to start without her. Leaning back on the couch inside of the snug and cushy pillow fortress we'd built —like two toddlers— we indulged in blackberry frozen yogurt, because who said ice cream wasn't meant for winter season?
I was thankful neither of them asked anything regarding Cameron, so I didn't have to force myself to lie. I don't think I could've anyway.
I hadn't charged my phone since the night of the party, and was almost certain that it'd ran out of battery. But I irresponsibly pretended to forget about it, consciously avoiding any calls or messages.
I felt like being left the heck alone.
On Monday, I was —by fair means— physically fit to go to school. But, mentally, I wasn't prepared. So come morning, while my ultimate sloth of a sister was snoring, I'd asked my mom if I could join her to go grocery shopping instead.
With a sympathetic smile, she'd agreed.
The early morning grocery store was markedly vacant. I found myself breathing calmly as I stood in the fruit section, picking the nicest-looking clementines. There was a harmonious tune in the background. I remembered, with a cynical smile, learning in an economics class about how that was one of the grocery store strategies.
Sedate music influences customers to linger around, positively affecting impulsive purchases.
The perfectly neat arrangement of every good on the shelves was extra comforting. Order always comforted me. I wondered if it felt so to other perfectionists too.
When we arrived back home, someone was sitting on the bench next to our house. I stepped out of the car, instantly occupying myself with helping Mom out with the bags of groceries.
"Audrey?" My head perked up. The girl that had been sitting on the bench was Tiffany.
"Tiff?" I walked to her, tentatively. She banged into me with a tight hug.
"You're feeling okay?" Her words were soaked through with concern.
"Yes. I'm actually quite good, yeah, thank you."
I watched as hearty relief flushed through her when she breathed out. "That's so good to know. You can't imagine how worried we all were."
"Hello there, Tiffany," my mother trailed her down with the corner of her eye as she took the bags out, in an easygoing manner. "It's been a while."
"Oh, hello Nichole! It has. I know," her smile was sad. Then, to me: "Could we talk?" She licked her full lips. It had forever been a nervous habit of hers.
"Uhm. . .okay?" I passed my mother a silent goodbye and we directed ourselves towards the coast.
We rambled along the oceanfront, as she began talking. "Audrey. I wanted to tell you everything for a long time now."
"What do you mean?" I unzipped my coat.
She took a deep breath. "Well, you know. . .it has to do with what happened that very last time two years ago. . .the whole spin-the-bottle affair and then. . .the rumor about it being a bet. . ."
"Mm-hmm?" I hummed solidly.
"Well, basically. . ." she struggled with her words visibly. Then, just heaved a big sigh. "It was Danielle who made up and spread that rumor."
I was silent. "Danielle? But why would she. . . — we didn't even know each other- I don't- it doesn't make sen—"
"You didn't know her, but she did know you. Well, heard of you, that is."
"Uhh. . ." I looked at her with a puzzled expression.
"She was friends with all those new people Calum began to get along with. You know, the strangers that began coming to our gatherings. . ."
"Yeah."
"They had really influenced Calum, you know. It's so sad. He changed so much. . ." she wallowed in thought for a few heavy seconds.
"But what on earth did Danielle have against me?" I was purely clueless.
"She'd fallen head over heels for Calum, that's what," she replied, looking ahead.
I tasted the moment of silence. "So? What did I have to do with that?"
Tiffany met my eyes, then, giving me a look that made me feel. . .dumb. "You really don't know?"
"Know what?" I was now impatiently curious about this mystery.
She continued looking at me, full of disbelief. "Calum had a huge crush on you back then. Didn't you know?"
I felt as if I'd just accidentally stepped into a manhole and was plummeting the heck down. What the. . .?
It all came spilling down on me.
Calum's strange behavior around me at that time. The way everyone shut up and tensed when the bottle stopped on him. . .
It's not exactly unheard of for dance partners to develop feelings for each other.
When someone steals something from me, I tend to steal something back.
Dancing with Lilia will never feel the same as it was with you.
The memories rustled like autumn foliage on the surface of my mind.
"What?" Was all I blurted.
"I thought you knew. Almost everyone did."
"But. . .h- why didn't you tell me before?"
"I tried talking to you so many times. You disappeared into thin air, Aud!"
Well, true. "Okay, fair." We'd stopped strolling and sat down on the low parapet that separated the sand from the pavement. "Oh my gosh. . ."
I lost myself in the thought of how much that changed.
"So did Danielle want revenge on me?" I questioned, in complete incredulity.
She shrugged. "I guess so. But I'd be more sorry for her than mad. I think Calum dated her just to. . .forget you." I observed her coffee locks flutter around in the harsh, briny wind.
"That's messed up," I just stated aloud, to no one in particular.
"Tell me about it. . ." she mumbled, looking down. "But hey, you're not gonna mind someone as childish, are you?"
"No no. It's not that. It's just. . ." my mind flashed to that obnoxious image of Danielle kissing. . . my boyfriend. He was still my boyfriend, right? Right?
Gosh, I hoped.
"I just wanted to tell you cause you had every right to know. But I was counting on that we could all forget about it and. . . the rest of us, go back to being the buddies we used to be. We've missed you so much, Audrey. Don't you do that to us again. Please." Her serious tone was one step short of the verge of tears.
I hugged her tightly. "Of course, Tiff. I'm sorry for disappearing. I won't do that again." When she pulled back, a beam was painted on her bright face.
"And you'll let me properly teach you to dance salsa?" We both roared in laughter at that. She knew how much I hated and sucked at it.
"Can't promise anything," I finally replied. But the comment clicked my mind back to that time Cameron had asked me about it.
Gosh, Cameron.
I really needed to talk to him.
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