My oldest memory.
Being swaddled in the dark. A soft nursery rhyme about a never ending field of flowers. Flowers that were tall, short, sweet, tart. Flowers that could bloom for eternity in every color.
She held me tight and hummed each lyric. The world would stop spinning just for a short moment.
"It will be okay. I will keep you safe."
Blüdhaven
May 30, 05:57 EDT
I woke up to sunshine spilling in from a window, warming my face. Then I remembered everything that happened, and the room turned cold.
Lying on my back, I could think of nothing but Neretha's aimless eyes, her bleeding body slouched in my grasp. It suffocated me; convinced me I was drowning with no chance of reaching the surface.
My body shot up, only for sharp pain to crawl across my middle. I winced and it echoed through the room.
With fingers wrapped in splints, I gripped my stomach, and slowly got to my feet. I staggered immediately, carrying my weight for the first time in I am not sure how long.
Every unsteady step led me closer to the bathroom, until I turned the light on and looked in the mirror. I made eye contact with myself, completely repulsed.
I stared at the skeleton of a girl who used to seem young, vibrant even. She was gone; replaced by graying skin and sunken eyes.
It was like looking at a stranger. Then again, I am a stranger to myself.
I could not bear to look at myself longer, and I was not strong enough to break the mirror. So, instead I turned the lights out and hobbled to elsewhere in the warehouse.
It was filled with fragments of a puzzle I struggled to put together. Clothes were strewn about every piece of furniture. Phones, magazines, and game consoles littered the floor, along with unfinished cups of coffee and pizza boxes.
"What happened to this place?"
Mayilean came out first, even though I had not meant for it to. I keep getting confused over which language I am trying to speak. My mind tells me to speak English, but somehow my heart translates it into my native tongue.
I moved past the unkempt floor, up to a desk and all its monitors. There were torn sheets of paper; each one filled with scribbled series of numbers. Coordinates. They spilled over the table's surface and onto the floor.
What grabbed my attention most, though, was the picture frame on the desk corner. I picked it up, stared at it closely.
It was a picture of myself smiling at the camera, while he held my waist and kissed my cheek.
I look so... happy.
How could I seem so happy, when the mere glimpse of him made my skin boil with rage?
To think that I am standing in his place, wearing his clothes... A cloud of betrayal and heartbreak overcame me, one so far beyond my control. It swallowed me without explanation until I was frantic, grabbing the first possible weapon I could think of.
There was a bottle on the coffee table, still half full. I grabbed it by the spout, smashing the bottom off as orange soda and glass puddled at my feet.
I whimpered in fear of how angry I had become.
"He left you," was all I could make sense of. "He left you to die. He never loved you."
My lungs shuddered air in and out too quickly, threatening to burst with my heart that was being squeezed from every side.
"I am so scared," I admitted, even though Neretha could not hear me. I told her again, "I am so scared."
Then the ground rumbled from beneath me and I staggered backwards. My bare foot landed on the orange puddle, feeling the shards pierce my flesh. But I waited, quietly, patiently.
I am so scared.
The elevator leveled with the floor and I looked into each of their eyes. They were all faces I recognized, names I could remember. I knew them; I knew everything about them.
"You're awake!"
Yet, I felt nearly nothing for them.
"I-Iris?"
Nothing compared to the blind anger that consumed me at the sight of Dick Grayson.
"You..."
Why did it hurt so much just to look at him? Why did it burn my skin, and chip away at my soul?
Before I had realized it, I was fighting. I attacked people I considered my friends without warning, all up until I was standing in front of Dick and the edge of the bottle was inches from his neck.
I wanted to hurt him so badly; more than I have ever wanted to hurt anyone else in my life. But each time I thought I could finish it, I stopped. I remembered the happy girl in the photo, the same girl who I cannot fathom ever existed in the past.
"Rens?"
"Who... who is—?"
They knocked me to the ground and pinned me there before I could finish.
Who is Irena? And how did she love you, before I hated you?
Central City
June 8, 10:40 CDT
I was moved to a hospital in Central City after trying—or rather succeeding—to attack the team. Barry and Dinah took turns watching me in exchange for guard duty shifts on what they referred to as "The Warworld."
Visitors were not allowed, not until they could figure out what was wrong with me. Neither was television, books or phone calls.
Dinah claimed I needed "personal time to recover, no distractions."
By distractions she meant nothing that could trigger my fight or flight, mostly fight. Hence, why my ankles were cuffed to the bed frame.
"M'gann said that when she looked into your mind, it didn't seem like you've forgotten anything."
"I do not think..." I stopped, finding myself speaking Mayilean. I tried once more, struggling to push through in English, "I remember everything."
"So, then you understand who you are and who everyone else is?"
"Yes."
"Then help me understand what's changed."
Everything. Everything has changed. "I feel different."
"Different how?"
It was so hard to speak. Why was it so hard to release coherent thoughts? "I look at you and it is different."
Dinah waited.
"I know who you are. I know who you are to me. But I feel nothing about it," I said. "Whatever used to be there, it is small now."
"And you feel this with the rest of the team too?" Her brow furrowed. "Nothing?"
"Nothing."
"But seeing Nightwing triggered such a strong response in you. There had to be more than nothing when you saw him."
"I do not want to talk about Nightwing."
"Then let's talk about the woman who did this to you. Neretha, you called her?"
My heart grew heavier just at the sound of her name. "He killed her."
"Who killed her?"
"The red...hooded man."
"'The red hooded man'?" Her skepticism was apparent. "But this man set you free."
"He killed her." My eyes watered, unable to draw my attention away from the fact that she was gone.
"Rena," she spoke carefully, "You've been conditioned to love, worship even, this woman who tortured you."
Love and torture feel the same to me, though. Maybe they always have.
"You're going to have to work very hard to understand that what you feel for her isn't real," Dinah said. "And that what you feel for Nightwing—the hate—that's not real either.
Central City
June 9, 14:28 CDT
If worrying about my mental was Dinah's job, then trying to restore my physical was Barry's.
"That's it," he encouraged.
I was on the verge of sweating, trying to wrap my hand around the foam ball and squeeze. But when I grew tired, my hand gave out and the ball fell to the floor.
"That was good."
"That was pathetic," I sighed.
"You're body is healing at four times the rate of a human one," Barry said. "You're practically a semi-speedster."
"What if it never comes back?" I looked up at him. "My powers? What if I am stuck like this forever."
"Nonsense." Barry put a hand on my shoulder, "It'll take time, and it'll be frustrating, but it will come back."
"What about the rest of me?"
Barry's mouth opened to answer, but a soft knock sounded on the door.
"This should cheer you up." Barry got up from his seat, and began to speak to someone at the door. "You can't tell anyone I let you in here, kid."
"I know, Uncle Barry."
Wally stepped in, brightening as he met my eyes.
"You have an hour. I'm trusting you not to kill him, Rena."
Barry stepped out, shutting the door behind him. Wally proceeded to drop into the seat next to my bed.
"You've looked better," he said uncomfortably.
"I have felt better."
"What... what happened?"
"I was kidnapped on a mission."
"No, I know that part. I mean, what happened to you?"
"The woman who took me..." I began with difficultly, but slowly I told Wally everything. More than I had told anyone else. I admitted the most horrific, twisted things I thought and experienced in the past two months. I overshared everything I could remember and more, because I knew I was supposed to.
I could not feel that attachment to Wally yet, but I knew it used to be there. The old Rena would have told Wally everything too.
happy belated thanksgiving everyone. just an fyi there's only 1 more chapter left for this book, then the s3 and s4 portions will be published into a new book that you'll be able to find on my account.
also if you were reading or were planning to read "so i fell in love with a superhero" it's currently unpublished and going through some very heavy editing. should be out in a couple weeks as winter break is coming up soon.
comment or message me about any questions or thoughts you have about this book or any of the others <3.
stay whelmed!
bevs.