"Mr. Romantic boy, Lukas." The emcee said in full effort.
A caretaker pushed his wheelchair toward me. The man on it handed me the red rose. I took it with a wide smile on my face. Hinawakan ko ang isa niyang kamay para alalayan sa pagtayo. He can stand, but he can't balance his body well.
Lukas suffers from autism spectrum disorder. He had gone through the toughest years of his life, but he's happy right now.
When the sweet song started playing, I guided him in the rhythm of the music. Sa halip na siya ang humawak sa bewang ko ay ako ang nakayakap sa kaniya para hindi siya mahulog sa damuhan. Hindi siya makatingin ng diretso sa akin. Kung hindi sa kaliwa ay sa kanan ang mata. It is one of the common symptoms of ASD, not being able to do eye contact.
The next dance is with Damien, he's deaf, but he can speak. "Ang ganda mo," he uttered in a shy voice. He might not be able to hear how beautiful the song is right now, but his eyes say that he's in full bliss.
I got also the chance to dance with John, a visually impaired eighteen-year-old boy who never experienced a JS prom back when he was still in school. He can't see me, so I need to tell him how beautiful I am.
"Do you know what I look like?" I asked, to which he gave me a nod in a response.
"I'm tall as you are. I have fair skin, brown, wavy hair, chocolate eyes, red lips and a beautiful nose just like yours," saad ko. "Ang ganda ko, 'noh?"
He chuckled and nodded. I hope he can see how wonderful he is too, but since he can not, I have to describe him. It was my pleasure.
"Hi, Dan. You look good today," I complimented him. Humiwalay saglit ang kamay niya sa akin. He said thank you using his hands. He said I'm beautiful too. There's no voice, but the look on his face shows sincerity.
Sa ilang taon kong pamamalagi dito, I have learned their language. They can't talk, but they express themselves well.
After Dan comes Kian, a beautiful human with one leg. After Kian is Garry, a boy who suffers from CHD like me. After Garry is Liam, a kind man with no hands, but will offer you his shoulder if you need one.
Twenty-four songs, twenty-four roses with these amazing people I have been with for the past five years. They aren't perfect, but they have a huge part in who I am right now.
People who have known me five years ago will never recognize me now. Although I'm still Leigh who's childish on some days, I am not the little monster anymore. Sapat na siguro ang ilang taon kong pagiging makasarili.
Marami akong maling nagawa noon. I said a lot of things I should've not said. Siguro, isa sa mga pinakamalaking kasalanan ko ay ang pangungutya sa mga mahihirap. I was insecure because I felt like I was suffering more. They've been dealing financial problem, samantalang ako, sarili kong puso ang kalaban.
I reflected on all the wrongdoings I made. I acknowledged them. Because only after you recognized that you were wrong, you can grow.
I want to spend the rest of my life in good. I don't know if it's the time that changed me or if it's my perspective that changed.
While most of my batchmates proceeded with their journey as college students, I spent my years at Bahay Kalinga. Here, hundreds of people with disabilities live. My days were well spent doing charity work around the province, donating to orphanages, and sponsoring advocacy programs for people living in marginalized sectors.
I have given up most of my luxuries: my clothes, my shoes, my pieces of jewelry. Everything aside from some of my bags that I can not let go of because of sentimental value. To be honest, I just used that excuse so I can keep them.
I found growth in change. I found happiness in helping people. I have learned a lot from talking, hearing, and living with the unfortunate. I have never imagined this day will come, not even a single hour before.
Two percent. Twenty-four years old. It's lucky for me to come this far. One out of one hundred babies is born with Congenital Heart Disease every year. Not so many survived their first day and only a few of us get to make it till twenty.
When I asked my doctor how many years were left for me, he just gave me six years. Although it's uncertain, I am convinced that this is my last birthday. And if it is, I know I had the happiest one.
There are a lot of unknowns in my life and it's terrifying because I don't know what my life holds at all. Tomorrow could be different, it's unpredictable. But surely I know deep in my heart, even for a short time, I truly lived . . . with hope and happiness.
"H-Happy birthday po." Lumapit sa akin ang isang maliliit na bata. She's the youngest here. Isaiah, a five-year-old girl who suffer from kidney complications.
"Thank you, Isaiah." I took the box out of her hands. "What is this, hmm?"
"G-Gift po. Pinag-ipunan ko po 'yan p-para po sa i-inyo. I hope you'll l-like it."
Isaiah was a newborn baby when I started helping here. I witnessed her growth from an infant to a toddler. She is always shy when it comes to other people except me.
"Huli na ba ako sa lumpia? Happy birthday!"
Here comes the man of jokes, Idris.
"Muntik ka nang umabot sa twenty-fifth birthday ko," I sarcastically said.
"Sorry po, Ma'am, ha. I'm a busy man. Buti nga pumunta ako, wala namang lumpia," reklamo niya. "Regalo ko, buksan mo na."
Binuhat niya si Isaiah at pinanood akong buksan ang regalo niya. Box after box, I got nothing. Pinahirapn niya lang akong mag-unwrap ng kahon!
"What is this, dumb human?" pikon kong tanong.
"Ang regalo ko sa iyo ay pasensiya! Napatunayan kong mahaba naman pala ang pasensiya mo," aniya.
I can't hit him because he's holding Isaiah in his arms, the kid who's innocently laughing at us.
"Asshole," mariin kong sabi kalakip ng isang tuntok sa braso.
"Ano p-po ang ash-ashol?" si Isaiah.
"Ano ba 'yan, Leigh. Kung ano-ano kasi ang sinasabi mo. You're not a good influencing," sita sa akin ng lalaki.
"Blame yourself for being an asshole. That word exists because you exist."
"Ano p-pong ibig sabihin no'n?" si Isaiah pa rin.
"Ashol baby, Ashol means dog," panloloko niya sa bata. "Ay, may ashol, takbo!" He pointed at me and ran towards the others.
I rolled my eyes after shaking my head. Hindi nakatakas ang tawa sa akin. He's still stupid. I can't believe he finished college at may cafe na siya ngayon. Nakipaglaro ito sa mga bata. There's a big table outside that was prepared for lunch. Nakisalo siya roon at nakipagkulitan kila Lukas.
Umupo ako sa duyan na nakakabit sa pagitan ng dalawang puno. Pinanood ko silang magsalo-salo ng tanghalian.
If I have any regrets in my life, it is believing that happiness comes with expensive things. True enough, money can't buy you happiness but if you used it for something with purpose, it will give you more than joy . . . the feeling that can not be expressed with words.
"Angeleigh, hija. Bakit hindi ka makisalo sa kanila? Kumain ka." Ms. Mila approached me.
Umiling ako. "Kukuhanan po ako ng dugo mamaya, I'm on my fast," I answered.
"Ganoon ba? Sayang naman at hindi mo matitikman ang caldereta ni Karen." May tono ng panghihinayang sa boses niya.
"I'll ask her to cook for me again next time."
"Ipagtatabi kita sandali."
Tinapik niya ang hita ko at nagpunta sa loob para kumuha ng lalagyan. Mukhang ipagtatabi niya nga ako.
Bahay Kalinga provides residential care, meals, and a limited degree of assistance in the activities of daily living of these people. We're with them for five years now. They always thank me for helping them, but the truth is they helped me.
It feels like I created my purpose. That my old belief in Philosophy isn't true. I exist to create my own meaning. This is my meaning, my purpose.
Still, I feel like something is missing. Like I'm longing for something and that is the reason why I can't leave yet. There's is still a single thing out there that I need to do.
"Mom, can you catch the party?" Sinagot ko kaagad ang tawag ni Mommy.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Mom can't go right now. Maraming clients na inaasikaso."
"It's fine, everything is going good naman."
"I'm happy to hear that, did you enjoy the program earlier?"
"I enjoyed it so much. Thank you for making it possible." I smiled.
"That's so compassionate of you, Leigh. You never failed to make me proud, anak. Thank you for giving them the chance to experience this kind of thing."
"Why are you saying thank you? I didn't do that much. And it wasn't enough to pay for all of my sins and wrong deeds in the past."
"Basta, laging proud si Mommy sa 'yo. No matter what you do."
"I know, Mom. Who would not? Like you're so lucky to have me as your daughter. duh," I said playfully. I can imagine her laughing so hard.
"I know, right." She chuckled. "Oh, siya. Don't forget to drop by the hospital today. I'll ask Dr. Richards if you visit him."
"Of course, I'll go. You don't have to ask him. I'll go after lunch."
"As you should. Don't be hardheaded, okay? You're an adult now, not a baby anymore. I'll see you later at home."
"Yes, yes. Take care."
We exchanged good byes after that. Nakisalo ako sa mga taonpero hindi ako kumain. I just played with them. Si Idris ang naging clown ng party ko.
"Saan lakad mo?" tanong niya.
"Wala," tipid kong sagot.
"Weh? Nakabihis ka nga. Ayos na ayos ka, may date ka siguro?"akusa niya.
"No, I'm going to the hospital. Weekly check up. Para namang hindi mo alam."
"Eh, may lakad ka nga, sabi mo wala." He made a tsk sound.
"I won't walk, I'll use my car. Ano? Lakad ba 'yon?"
"Talo talaga ng pilosopo ang bobo. Sorry, bobo lang. May sakay ka ngayon?"
"Stupid!" I cursed, laughing.
"Ano po 'yung stupid?"
Nagulat pa ako nang biglang sumulpot sa harapan namin si Isaiah. She might've followed Idris.
"Bunganga mo kasi, walang preno, naririnig ka ng bata. Pitikin kita, eh." Inambaan pa ako daliri.
Umupo ito para harapin si Isaiah. "Baby, stupid means beautiful. Maganda," ani Idris na parang naubusan ng baong palusot sa bata. The innocent kid looks convinced though. She nodded and smiled.
"Stupid!" She pointed her finger toward me. "Ate Leigh is stupid." Inulit niya pa.
The stupid Idris laugh loudly as he caught the kid's finger pointing at me. Halakhak na malademonyo ang ginawa niya. My face grimaced, feeling annoyed. Iyon lang ata ang hindi magbabago sa akin. My temper. I'm still ill-tempered.
"Idris, stop laughing! It's not funny. You're teaching the kid the wrong things."
"Alam mo 'yung kasabihang hindi nagsisinungaling ang mga bata? Gago, totoo pala 'yon?" aniya, tumatawa pa rin.
"A-Ano po ang gago?" si Isaiah ulit.
Ngumisi ako. "Gago means handsome, guwapo," ani ko.
"Ku-kuya Idris, gago." Nakangiti nitong usal sa lalaki.
I burst into laughter so hard when Idris' face screwed up. Ang sama ng itsura niya.
"Hindi na ako natutuwa," si Idris.
We're both a bad influence, the biggest reason why we can't be together. Itinama naman namin si Isaiah pagkatapos dahil baka kung kanino niya pa iyon sabihin.
Matapos kong makipag-asaran kay Idris ay naghanda na ako para umalis.
"Where are you going? Puwede po ako sumama?" Isaiah again.
"No, baby, the doctor would be checking me. I can not bring you there, no one will look for you," malambing kong tanggi.
She played with her hair while watching me organize my stuff before leaving. "Go to Kuya Idris na. I'll leave now."
"I wa-want to go with y-you po. Sama ako?" Her little hands encircled my thighs.
"Hindi kita mababantayan do'n, Isaiah. I would be getting a lot of tests. Do you want to see blood?" I asked her with the sound of horror in my voice.
"Gusto ko p-pong sumama. Please?" mahaba ang huling salita niya, naglalambing.
Ugh. I hate kids before. Now, I can not resist them.
"Idris!" tawag ko sa lalaking punong-puno ng kanin ang bibig. Pinandilatan lang ako ng mata at kung hindi ko pa tawagin ulit nang mas malakas ay hindi ako lalapitan.
"Istorbo ka, kumakain 'yung tao, eh." He even brought his plate with him. "Bakit ba?"
"Aren't you done? I need you to go with me. Gustong sumama ni Isaiah, I can't look at her while I'm getting checked."
He scratched his head. "Iinom lang ako, sumakay na kayo. Kotse ko ang gagamitin, ha. Hindi ko gamay ang sa'yo."
Nauna na kami sa kotse ni Isaiah. I sat on the passenger seat, si Isaiah ay nasa backseat. Idris didn't take too long, he came after a minute.
I am undergoing regular blood testing for years now and it is one of the most important ways to keep track of my overall physical well-being.
Regular blood tests can catch the warning signs of almost any disease which includes kidney and lung complications that I'm still prone to.
Mabilis ang biyahe namin papuntang hospital pero nakatulog pa rin si Isaiah. Binuhat siya ni Idris. I told him they can wait inside the car but he insisted to come with me inside.
"Leigh, happy birthday." Dr. Richards greeted me.
"I have this for you." I handed him the paper bag. We both talked casually to each other. Bata pa rin naman kasi si Markus. Although mas matanda siya sa akin. He prefers the informal way of talking.
"Oh, you came with someone. A boyfriend?" he concluded.
Masuka-suka ako sa tanong niya. I gave him a screwed-up face as an answer. He got it, causing him to laugh.
"Makatanggi ka naman. Hindi ka na rin lugi sa 'kin, ako nga ang dehado kung nagkataon," ani Idris.
I rolled my eyes. "That wouldn't happen in the first place. Don't worry."
Dr. Richards did his weekly routine on me. Sa tagal na sigurong paulit-ulit na ginagawa 'to sakin.
He was supposed to take my blood for the test when someone walked inside the room. As if there's an emergency, the nurse is panicking.
"Doc, kailangan po kayo sa E.R.," ani babae.
With no second thoughts, the doctor stood. "I'll be calling a medtech to continue your venipuncture," aniya, nagmamadali.
I had no time to react. Tumango na lang ako nang makalabas na ng kwarto ang doctor at naiwan kaming tatlo.
"Intense pala lagi sa hospital, 'noh? Paano kaya sila nagiging kalmado kapag may emergency?" si Idris, namamangha.
"That's why I can't work in the hospital. I'm always nervous. Aside from the reality that I'm sick too. I'm the patient," I told him. Tumango siya bilang pag-sang-ayon.
"Ikaw na lang ang gumawa sa sarili mo ng test. Kaya mo naman ata."
"Yeah? I need to practice, let me practice on you. Uubusin ko na dugo mo," pagtataray ko.
"Oh, oh . . . Mamaya kung ano na naman ang idugtong mo. Wala na akong natitirang paliwanag sa bata." He cut me off when I almost called him dumb.
"It's your fault, you keep annoying me. Effortless ka mang-asar, laging nakakainis!"
"Effortless ka mang-asar, laging nakakainis," he mocked me.
I was about to throw him a thing when the door opened. My hand slowly dropped when a man in a grey scrub wearing his hairnet and mask came.
I thought I was just hallucinating—that maybe, I'm crazy for thinking that I know this person, but I confirmed it when he took off his mask shortly after taking his hair net off his head. He looks like he is not surprised to see me.
Five years. Five years, Zach. Is that too long for you to act like you didn't know me at all?
The distance is making my eyes water. He is so close to me, one move and I can hug him. Ang hirap ng nasa harapan mo na pero hindi mo makuha.
Idris sitting looked surprised too. The silence was deafening, creating an awkward ambiance inside the room until he broke it.
"Good afternoon, Ma'am. Dr. Richards asked me to do your blood tests," formal niyang sabi.
Minatahan ako ni Idris. Natatawa pa ang lalaki nang lumayo ito sa amin bitbit ang bata. I almost bared my teeth at him Zach will see me so I held myself back.
He stood beside me after the short assessment. While preparing the tools, I'm stealing glances at him. He looks more mature now, buff, and a bit taller. He looks serious for not showing any teeth.
"Your arm, please," aniya sa seryosong tono pa rin.
Inilahad ko ang braso sa harapan niya. My whole system went crazy when he held it. His fingers touched each other, showing how skinny my arm is or maybe his hand just became bigger.
"Your sleeves."
Ginto ba ang salita niya? It's not that hard to speak longer, to speak completely. I don't really get what he's saying so I just stay still without doing anything.
"Your sleeves, Ma'am."
What? Is there a stain on my sleeves? I looked at it carefully but there was nothing. I'm all clean, what is he trying to say?
"M-My sleeves, yes. They are clean," hindi sigurado kong sabi.
"Can you roll your sleeves, Ma'am?"
Bitch! That was what he meant when he said my sleeves. I was so dumb to miss it. Paano nga naman niya ako makukuhanan ng dugonkung hindi ko itataas ang mangas ko.
Gusto ko na lang magpalamon sa lupa. It's his fault though, hindi niya nililinaw!
I can see his hands trembling, which only means one thing, he's nervous. He rarely looked at me, so I had all the chance to stare at him.
Nanginginig siya mula sa pagkabit ng tourniquet, pagmasahe ng braso ko at pahanap ng veins hanggang sa makuhanan na niya ako ng dugo. I lost count how many times he gulped down to clear his throat. Sometimes, he will bite his lips after a deep sigh. Kung kailan gusto kong bumagal ang oras ay parang bumilis naman 'yon.
"All done, Maam. Thank you so much. It takes three to six hours to obtain the result. You can come back later or tomorrow."
He looked at me in the eyes while saying those words, but he is emotionless. He's just doing his job.
"Thank you," I answered shortly, lost for words.
Inilipat niya sa tube ang dugo at nilagyan iyon ng label. He removed his gloves and clean himself. Inaayos niya ang mga gamit nang sumingit si Idris. "Zach . . . este, Doc."
"I'm not yet a doctor, RMT," he corrected without looking at Idris behind him.
"Doon na rin naman papunta 'yon, Doc," aniya. "Kapag naging cardiologist ka na, operahan mo ang puso ko, ha."
Zach smirked. He turned around after organizing everything. "Sure, basta walang anesthesia."
"Pota, sige hindi na lang. Lahat naman tayo mamatay," bawi ng lalaki.
"It's good to see you Idris," si Zach. "I heard a lot about you."
"I heard a lot about you too. Congrats, ang successful mo na."
I envy Idris for having the nerve to talk to him like that when I can't even say a single word.
His head dropped a bit. "I don't think I'm as successful as you are."
"Humble mo naman, Doc," biro ni Idris.
"I'm saying the truth," he chuckled. "I have a lot of work to do, so I need to leave." Lumapit pa ito sa bata at pinisil ang pisngi. "Your genes are strong, she takes after you," si Zach kay Idris.
Isaiah smiled back at him. "G-Gago" she uttered innocently.
Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Tinama na namin, iyong mali pa ang naalaa.
My hands held my forehead when Zach eyes bulked. Nahihiyang binaba ni Idris ang daliri ng batang nakaturo kay Zach.
"I-Ibig niyang sabihin, ang guwapo mo. S-Sorry, pilyo lang talaga 'tong bata na 'to." He tried to explain before looking at the kid. "Baby, don't call anyone gago again."
"What's her name?"
"Isaiah," diretsong sagot ng bata.
"You're beautiful, Isaiah. Just like your Mom." Zach complimented her.
My eyes rounded. I thought he won't look back at me, but he did. Hindi ko pa man natatapos ang reaksiyon ko ay naiayos ko na ang mukha nang mapako ang tingin niya sa akin. And for the first time after a long time, I saw him smile.
"It's good to see you too, Leigh. Belated congratulations to the both of you." He held the door, ready to leave but he turn around again.
"Happy birthday," he greeted me.