Hospital
I was still in the hospital but I was no longer at Ate Cathy's clinic because they had to move me to another room. Until now, my heartbeat is still weak. I looked at the door when it opened and Nurse Ana came in to check on me.
"Where's Dr. Cathy?" I asked nurse Ana.
"Dr. Cathy just left for a while." She smiled. I just nodded and smiled at her.
After she checked my condition ay tumalikod at lumabas na rin siya.
I've been here in the hospital for two days and I'm sure nay rosie is worried about me again, because I told her I was only here for one day and I'm sure my friends will also wonder why I don't attend our classes.
After 30 minutes the door opened I thought nurse Ana entered but it was Ate Cathy. She looked at me with a smile on her face.
"How are you feeling?" She asked.
I gently looked at her. "Medyo okay na." She nodded and went to the table to fix the food she bought.
"Uhmm .... when will I ... be discharged?" She looked at me and approached with the food she bought.
"Tomorrow, you can't be discharged today." I just nodded and smiled at her sparingly.
Pina-upo niya ako para makakain habang sinusubuan niya ako nakatingin lang siya sakin parang may gustong sabihin.
"May gusto ka bang sabihin ate?"tanong ko.
Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at umiling. Tumango na lang ako at pinagpatuloy ang pagkain.
After kong kumain niligpit na niya ang mga pinagkainan ko. Tumingin ako sa kanya at nagtanong.
"Did you tell nay rosie that I'm still here in the hospital?" She shook her head in response and then continued what she was doing.
Eventually, I noticed that Ate Cathy was glancing at me and I knew she wanted to say something but I didn't know what was stopping her so, I looked at her.
"Ate Cathy! I noticed you glancing at me. Do you want to say something?" I asked her.
"Samantha, I met your Kuya Third earlier." She stopped what she was going to say and she didn't know if she would continue.
"And?" I stared at her.
She took a deep breath before continuing what she wanted to say.
"He told me that you haven't come home yet ...... since the night you argue. Although, I know why you can't come home because you're here in the hospital because of your illness. But he's very worried about you . " She said worriedly.
I sighed and nodded at her.
"Aren't you going to tell them about your illness?" She asked.
"Right now, I don't want to let them know." She approached me and held my hand.
She would have spoken again when I stopped her immediately.
"I would like to rest first." I said softly. Ngumiti at tumango siya bago lumabas.
Wala akong balak ipaalam sa kanila ang tungkol sa sakit ko. Ayokong kaawaan nila akong lahat.
This is how my Life works. I choose to be alone. I choose to suffer alone even though I know it's going to break me. Dahil sa huli, alam kong ang sarili ko lang rin ang masasandalan ko.
Napamulat ako ng biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko, when nay rosie called. I sighed and chose to ignore it. But knowing nay rosie, she won't stop until I answered her call. Kaya sa halip na hayaan lang na nagriring iyon ay sinagot ko na ang tawag niya.
"Yes, nay?"salubong ko sa kanya sa kabilang linya.
"Buti naman at sinagot mo na rin ang tawag ko! Okay ka lang ba Samantha? Nasa hospital ka pa rin ba?"I closed my eyes when she asked.
"I'm fine nay. Wala na po ako sa hospital nandito po ako sa condo ni Ate Cathy." I lied.
"Mabuti naman kung ganun, kamusta pala ang check up mo nung linggo?"tanong niya.
"Okay naman po sabi ni Ate Cathy maganda naman po ang results."I lied again.
"Salamat naman kung ganun."masaya niyang sabi.
"Nay ibaba ko na po may kailangan pa po kasi akong gawin." Nagpaalam na siya at binaba ko na rin ang tawag.
Hindi ko napansin na pumasok na pala si Ate Cathy at kitang-kita sa kanyang mukha ang pag-aalala.
"Are you okay?"She asked.
Tiningnan ko ang kanyang mga mata. She was patiently waiting for my answer.
"No."I whispered. I don't why I couldn't lie.
She sighed at mas lalong lumapit sakin. She made me rest my head on her chest and she rubbed my back trying to make me feel better. I'm a very weak person.
I bit my lower lip to stop the tears but I can't. I can feel Ate Cathy sadness for me. She rest her hand on my shoulder.
Lumayo ako ng bahagya sa kanya. Ito ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat. Ang kinakaawaan ako. I don't need their pity. I need to forget everything.
Sa sobrang pag-iyak ko, hindi ko na nabilang kung ilang beses na akong umiyak. Agad ko pinaalis ang aking mga luha nang makarinig kami Ng katok sa pinto. Nilingon ni Ate Cathy iyon. I tried to bring back my composure again nang makita kong si nurse Ana sa labas ng pinto.
She give Ate Cathy meaningful look. Nilingon naman ako ni Ate Cathy. I nodded at her para sabihin sa kanya na ayos lang na iwan niya muna ako dito.
Narinig kong nagbubulungan sila. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pinag-uusapan nila. Inangat ko ang tingin ko nang makita kong pumasok muli si Ate Cathy. She sighed heavily before speaking.
"Nasa clinic ko..... si Kuya Third mo. Iwan muna kita dito saglit." Tumango lamang ako sa kanya. Naisipan kong matulog nang sa ganun makapagpahinga ako.
Nang mag-isa nalang ulit ako ay tuluyan na akong napahagulgol. Nangiginig na ang labi at mga kamay ko pero wala akong pakialam.
Nakakapagod nang ngumiti sa lahat. Araw-araw akong ngumingiti kahit na unti-unti nang namamatay ang puso ko. Nakakapagod natong nararamdaman kong to.
Akala ng lahat okay lang ako, akala ng lahat matatag ako, hindi nila alam araw-araw akong nagtitiis at nasasaktan.
Even if sometimes I find it hard to believe that I am lovable or capable of doing great things,
even if there are times that I am swayed away by other people's words, that I am difficult, that I lack something, that I am not this or that,
even if there are times that I will question my own worth,
Even if I stumble and fall by my own doubts and overthinking,
There will always be a part of me that believes that I am worthy, enough, and important.
Aaminin ko namimiss ko na nang sobra sila Kuya. Namimiss ko silang kasamang kumain, kasamang gumala, at kabonding. Gustong-gusto ko sila yakapin ng mahigpit, sabihing Mahal na Mahal ko sila. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanila na "Kuya pagod na akong lumaban at umasa na gagaling pa ako." Gustong-gusto kong sabihin ang mga linyang iyan sa kanila pero hindi ko magawa dahil sa galit na nararamdaman ko sa kanila.
Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at huminga ng malalim para kumalma. Just give me a time mga Kuya mapapatawad ko din kayo.
Sa sobrang pagod ko sa pag-iyak nang naramdaman kong inaantok na ako at hinayaan ko na lang na hilain ako ng antok ko then everything went black for me.
I just woke up when I heard my cellphone ringing, I picked up my cellphone and immediately answered I didn't even look at who was calling.
I took a deep breath before speaking. "Hello!"
"Samantha, where are you? ..... Did you know that your older brothers were looking for you! ...... And why don't you attend our classes? ...... What happened to you?" Kim asked worriedly.
“I’m in my cousin’s condo!” I lied. ".... I'll go home later and so I didn't get into our classes for a few days because.... my cousin took me on their outing with her friends." I lied again.
"Next time ...... think that there are people who are worried about you!" She said annoyed
"Opo, sorry na biglaan po kasi.... niya ako sinama." pasensya kung kailangan kong magsinungaling sa inyo Kim
"Sige-sige, mag-ingat ka sa byahe mo later."She said then she dropped the call
I sighed heavily. Pagbukas ng pinto, pumasok si Ate Cathy nang nakangiti.
"Ready kana bang umuwi?" Masayang niyang tanong.
"Super! Ayoko na dito sa hospital." Nakasimangot kong sabi.
"Samantha ingatan mo ang sarili mo."she said worriedly. Tumango at ngumiti na lamang ako sa kanya.
"Ate!" Tumingin siya sakin. "...uhm.. ano palang pinunta ni Kuya Third dito? Alam niya bang nandito ako?"mahinang tanong ko sa kanya.
Huminga siya ng malalim. Hinawakan niya ang aking mga kamay at malungkot siyang tumingin sakin.
"Hindi niya alam na nandito ka.....
at alam mo ba nang makita ko siya... puno ng lungkot ang kanyang mga mata."huminto siya at pinunasan ang kanyang luha. "...... umiiyak siya sakin dahil sayo. Sobrang nag-aalala na sila sayo. Samantha, mahal na mahal ka nila at alam kong mahal mo din sila..... huwag mo sanang hayaan na kainin ka nang galit mo sa kanila.... patawarin mo na sila at pakinggan mo ang reason nila kung bakit hindi sila nagparamdam at nakabalik sayo."umiiyak na sabi niya.
Tumingin ako sa kanya at ngumiti. "Soon, Ate just give me a time. Mapapatawad ko rin sila."Tumango na lamang siya at inaayos na ang mga gamit ko.
Habang tinitignan ko si Ate Cathy hindi ko lubos maisip na magiging ganito kami kalapit sa isat-isa, napakaswerte ni Kuya Third sa kanya and nagpapasalamat ako at siya ang naging doctor ko.
"Ate!" Napatingin siya sakin at naghihintay sa sasabihin ko. "....thank you for everything. Thank you kasi.... the best doctor ka for me, thank you kasi.... tinuring mo akong parang tunay na kapatid mo. Thank you kasi... pinaramdam mo sakin kung gaano kasarap magkaroon nang Ate na katulad mo."lumapit siya sakin at niyakap ako ng sobrang higpit.
"Thank you din dahil pinaramdam mo sakin kung gaano kasarap magkaroon ng kapatid na katulad mo."I hugged her so tight. I closed my eyes to feel her warmth for the meantime.
I just hope that somehow, somewhere, there's a piece of this universe waiting for me. And that someday, one way or another, I'll get there and my star will shine bright in the night sky, standing out of its constellation, smiling down at me.