[another warning for course language because angry zayn is angry ;x also - apologies for the slight delay, but hopefully this longer chapter will partially make up for my brief absence? x]
The car ride back to campus was the most awkward, agonizingly painful thing that Niall has ever experienced in all his life.
He opted for driving, considering he was probably the least shaken by the incident. Granted, that really wasn't saying much, but he had to give himself some credit - he just watched someone try to stab his boyfriend; he was probably handling it as well as he really could. Suffice to say, however, that both Liam and Zayn looked like the embodiment of shit. Zayn's face had yet to regain its' colour. Ever since everything went down, his skin was deathly pale and he was uncharacteristically silent - Zayn was a quiet guy, yeah, but silence didn't really fit him.
And Liam - fuck, did Niall ever feel bad for him. He really doesn't know Harry well, so he certainly can't say he knows Liam that great either, but anyone with eyes could see just how bothered he was over this whole thing. It wasn't hard to see how glassy his eyes were, and although it was evident he was trying to keep his face void of emotion, he looked beyond simply torn up.
Niall couldn't really say that he's unaffected by the whole ordeal - he's not, by any means, but he just figures that it is what it is. He certainly can't control Harry, he's beginning to think that no one really can, and it's seemingly fruitless to try and do so.
That considered, no matter how worried he is about Zayn, he can't help but to be a little angry about his boyfriend's decision to try and fight Harry. He couldn't have made a worse decision, really. It's not like he knew the brunette had a knife on him, but Niall was still a bit peeved that Zayn could have actually gotten stabbed. He shouldn't be as mad about it as he is, it's more Harry's fault than anything, but he can't help it. He was definitely ready to chew Zayn out about it, but he couldn't bring himself to do that in front of Liam - who probably doesn't want to listen to an argument after his own blow out with Harry.
A tense sigh from the backseat broke the otherwise ungainly silence in the car, and Niall looked back, for only a second or two, to look at Liam. The dark, patchy bruise on the side of his face was almost enough to make Niall sick to his stomach - he knew that the same went for Zayn; he hadn't so much as looked at Liam since first noticing the bruise. It's not like Niall can really blame him for that, though, so he decided not to even touch on it.
Rather, he turned his attention back to the road, and cleared his throat before speaking up. "You alright back there, mate?"
Liam seemed genuinely surprised that Niall was speaking to him, and the reply he provided was a short one. "Yeah. Just a little shaken."
"Oh," Niall murmured, and he could have sworn he saw Zayn roll his eyes from the passenger seat. He opted for ignoring this, however, and kept his attention on the brunette. He would deal with Zayn when they were in private. "I'd imagine so."
He didn't expect Liam to go on, but to his surprise, he wasn't done talking. "I mean...Harry isn't really the greatest guy, and it's like - he's hit me before, but not for awhile, you know?" He paused, swallowing rather thickly, and Niall did the same. "He's pulled that knife on people before. He'd never use it, but..."
Liam looked at Zayn, whose eyes were trained out the window. This time, Niall was sure he saw an eye roll, and you'd have to be pretty damn hard of hearing not to hear the sharp intake of breath. Niall's grip on the steering wheel instinctively tightened.
"I'm sorry about Harry, by the way," Liam was speaking directly to Zayn now, and Niall sucked in a breath. There was no way this was ending well. "There...there's something really wrong with him. His doctors, back home, said that they guess he's got a bit of Borderline Personality Disorder - but at the same time they mentioned that extreme personalities such as his are kind of hard to come by, let alone diagnose."
Zayn was visibly clenching his teeth. "Maybe he's just a fucking psychopath."
It was silent for a few moments after that, and Niall's cheeks were beginning to burn out of embarrassment. Zayn didn't have much of a filter - he said whatever he really wanted, and it's not like he was intending to be rude most of the time, but that's just what came out of his mouth. It's gotten him into trouble more than a few times, but Niall knew better than to think Liam would hold it against him.
Hopefully.
"I just..." Liam's voice was rather quiet, hardly audible, when he began to speak again. Niall almost wanted to tell him to shut his damn mouth - for his own good, of course. Zayn wasn't a bad guy, really, but when he got into moods like these, it was best that people didn't get on his bad side. "I want you to know that Harry didn't have the best upbringing and-,"
"Harry is a fucking adult," Zayn suddenly snapped, cutting Liam off in the middle of his sentence. With every passing second Niall thanked his lucky stars that they were getting closer and closer to campus. "He can take care of his bloody self. I don't give a shit what kind of upbringing he had. That isn't an excuse for him to act like a little bitch all the time."
Liam opened his mouth, as if he were about to object, but Zayn wasn't done yet. "My dad beat me nearly every night and my mom didn't give two shits. Was I affected by it? Of course. But unlike little saint Harry who can apparently do no wrong and take no responsibility for his actions, I own up to the mistakes I make and don't go around punching people and threatening to knife them." Zayn paused, and Niall could distinctly hear his breathing begin to get wonky. "If anyone is going to apologize for Harry's actions, it should be fucking Harry."
Tense silence seemed to be inevitable on this particular car ride, and Niall was more than just simply uncomfortable. With caution, and making sure to keep his eyes on the road, he quietly extended his hand towards Zayn, without grabbing it - simply to make sure Zayn actually wanted it. Sure enough, his hand was gripped, so tightly that Niall wasn't totally convinced Zayn wouldn't break his wrist.
When Liam began to open his mouth again, Niall shot him a look through the rear view mirror - a look that was meant to warn him to keep his mouth shut. Clearly, the hint wasn't taken.
"...When I first met Harry, it was in our grade nine year in high school," Liam began, and if Niall weren't driving he would have faceplanted. As far as things with Zayn went - Niall was beginning to wonder if, if a person rolled their eyes enough, would they get stuck in the back of their head? "I remember thinking to myself, how beautiful. I don't want to say it was love at first sight, but it kind of was." Even though Niall was sure he would be sick, he couldn't help but to feel his heart ache upon hearing Liam's somber tone. "We began to talk, and he...he would always bring me coffee in the morning, offer me rides to school - which was more or less him bumming a ride from Louis and asking me to tag along. Regardless, he was so nice. And then we started flirting and I thought I was so lucky. So lucky to have a guy like him be interested in a guy like me."
Niall wasn't convinced that discomfort was a strong enough word to describe how much he really didn't want Liam to continue. The story that Liam was telling was too familiar for Niall to want to listen. His grip on Zayn's hand instinctively tightened.
Liam continued. "It was great, really. I was dating an attractive, well-liked guy." Zayn snorted at this, but Liam ignored him and went on. "I know you probably don't believe me, but Harry was very popular back then. He was kind, really. Maybe a bit clingy, but I didn't mind - not at first. Louis pulled me aside one day, told me that there was something seriously wrong with Harry and that I was to be careful." Liam took in a sharp breath that followed a rather painful sounding gulp. In spite of the circumstances, Niall couldn't help but to feel sorry for him. "I didn't know what to make of it, because in my eyes, there really wasn't anything wrong with Harry. I can't believe it took me so long to notice.
"Harry was a cheater. There isn't a nice way of putting it. I didn't really notice much of anything at first - which was stupid of me, because I'd really have to be an idiot not to see that his innocent flirting with other poeple didn't mean something," Liam seemed to be on the brink of tears in that moment, and Niall began to shake. He knew exactly what was coming and he really wished that he would have spoken to Zayn prior to this conversation in regards to what the brunette was about to say. "I never believed it until Niall told me that Harry...wanted to hook up with him..."
There it was. It had been awhile since Niall had wanted, so badly, to sink into the ground and never resurface. Or simply disappear altogether. The hand that was still gripping the steering wheel was turning white as he shook uncontrollably. He could feel Zayn's eyes begin to burn into the side of his face, and he wanted to fucking die. Why did he have to be so stupid - why didn't he tell Zayn what happened right off the bat?
If Liam continued to speak after that, which he presumably did, Niall couldn't hear it. He could hear an unfriendly ringing in his ears as he began to see red in his vision. His heart was pounding in his ears and he could hear the unsteady pounding. He felt so stupid, and especially for getting as worked up as he currently was. He couldn't remember the last time he had an attack like this even if he tried - he would prefer not to think about it, honestly.
With a sudden jerk of the steering wheel that sent both Zayn and Liam slamming into the doors, Niall pulled over to the side of the road. There were no cars, so they weren't really in any immediate danger, but Niall thought differently. His heart was pounding in his chest so hard and rapid that he fully believed he was going to die.
It seemed like the world was beginning to fade out around Niall as his chest heaved; he was beginning to hyperventilate. With a jerk, he pulled away from Zayn, whose face seemed rather blurry. He was aware of his boyfriend trying to grab at his arm, make him stop, but Niall flinched back and began to struggle with his seatbelt. The second he felt it zip back into its' original place, he grabbed the door handle and yanked it open, practically falling out of the car and into the gravel, a cloud of dust being kicked up around him. His lungs seized in protest, and he coughed fruitlessly.
Niall was fully aware that he was sweating as he laid on the ground, curling into himself and grabbing at his hair with his hands, tugging. He sucked in as much fresh air as he could, trying his absolute hardest to get in a good breath. It seemed just about pointless, and the more ragged his breathing got, the more nervous he got. It occurred to him that if he couldn't breathe, then he could potentially die.
That option was, honestly, beginning to sound more appealing than having to deal with Zayn and Harry and just fucking everyone. When he and Zayn enrolled for university, he figured that it would be the perfect opportunity for a fresh start. Never in a million years would he have ever anticipated just how wrong he would end up being. He never anticipated becoming the subject of interest for someone who was not only seriously mentally ill, but who had a boyfriend who he both cheated on and abused. He didn't want to blame all of his issues on Harry, for he was sad and anxious far before he knew of the brunette's existence, but he can't help but to think that the majority of his problems in university wouldn't exist if he had never met Harry Styles.
Niall just wished he didn't exist.