a/n: If you wanna be sad while reading, listen to Two of Us by Louis Tomlinson^^
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"We don't even ask for happiness, just a little less pain." -Charles Bukowski
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Time is the devil. You think that all you have is time when, in reality, you don't. You think that the good times will last forever and the love you have for someone will last a lifetime. But it's a lie. Everything has to end.
I always thought that a mothers love would last for an eternity. I was wrong. A mothers love runs out once they've found something or someone else to love more. The love you have is ripped apart without you even realizing, and by the time you've noticed they've already moved on and found a new love.
My mother's love is gone. Her willingness to love me, her daughter, has expired. She's moved on to loving Leonardo and his stupid business. She chose to leave me in the dust, along with my father.
My body felt like a pile of bricks as I walked down a narrow concrete pathway. I glanced around my surroundings, wiping my tears while I passed various tombstones. I've seen these same names over a hundred times.
I shoved my hands in the back pocket of my jeans while staring down at the ground. I needed to talk to someone who would understand my pain. The only person who would listen. My father.
I left Alea after an hour of crying in silence. Harry had left me alone, as did everyone else. I hated it, being alone. I wanted somebody, anybody to hold me. But I wasn't angry at them, I understand that wasn't in any of their criteria. I mostly wanted my mom even if she was the reason for my pain.
Harry gave me the keys to one of the casino's cars. I told him I was going to my apartment but made a quick U-turn once I was out of sight from the casino. I didn't want anyone to know I was here. It wasn't because I was ashamed, I just wanted to do this alone.
I turned down a row of graves, feeling bad but doing it anyway for stepping on them. The sun was setting, leaving the lanterns dangling off of the trees to create a light source.
I turned down another concrete pathway just to stop a few rows down. I walked slightly down the row until I reached it, my fathers tombstone. I felt my tears slowly falling from the corners of my eyes.
I squeezed my eyes shut while standing above my father. This hurts, knowing what I know. That last time I was here, I didn't know about any of this. My father was an angel, not a rapist. My father was a healer, not a life taker. But it didn't matter because I still love him.
Stupid, I know
I slowly opened my eyes and bowed my head down to look at the gravestone.
Jack Monroe
April 4, 1974 - May 20, 2020
Father, Husband, Friend
Rest in Peace
I bit down on my lip while sitting myself down on the cold grass. I sat face to face with my fathers tombstone. I reached out and ran my fingers across his name, watching my shaky hand graze against the hard stone.
"Hey dad." I whispered through my tears as I pulled back my hand. I wrapped my arms around my stomach.
"Have you been watching me? I know what you'd say. Kennedy, your being stupid. Stop crying, crying for the weak... Well dad, I'm crying because of you, so." I sniffled while staring down at the dirt in front of me.
"Well, if you've been watching me, you'd know why I'm here. You're the only person I knew that would understand how it feels to lose mom's love. Only problem is, you're dead." I bit the inside of my cheek while the tears started to pour slower and slower from my eyes.
"I miss you, no matter how much I hate you. This feels different, now that I see you in a different light. I still love you though. I mean, if I can still love you after what I know, and mom could. Why can't she love me? I did something you would have done without thinking twice." I squeezed my eyes shut while my tears began to dry on my cheeks.
"She, uhm, is upset that I left her to die. But me and you both know Leonardo loves her like a sister. No matter how much he may get angry, he'd never kill her. Just like he'd never kill me. You wouldn't allow it." I chuckled quietly to myself as I brought my knees to my chest.
"Anyways, I've been using your teaching for good. I almost died today, but I saved myself. Well, Harry saved me. You know, I feel like if he wasn't your enemy, you'd really like him. He's like you. He seems mean but he's actually just a cuddly teddy bear. You two could have bonded over your favorite guns to use." I grinned to myself at the thought.
"I still don't know who killed you, but I'm going to find out. I don't care what it takes. At this point, I think Harry's keeping it from me to keep me around. I'll get it out of him somehow. For you." I placed my hand on the grass in front of me. I balled my hands up and gripped the grass.
"I hope you're proud of me dad. I'm proud of myself." I sniffled away my tears before removing my hand and gripping my ankles again.
I sat with my eyes squeezed shut, just being there. I miss him, no matter how much I try to fight it. You don't truly understand what missing someone feels like until you lose a parent. It's a different type of feeling. You feel like a piece of your heart is forever gone.
I collapsed my head to my knees and let out another wave of tears. I knew he wasn't going to answer, but it felt so good to let it out. He was always a good listener. Not the best advice giver though.
I grinned remembering a past therapy session with him.
I looked up at the tombstone again with a happier expression. Happy memories slowly flooded my thoughts, reminding me of the good times. I wish those lasted forever.
As my mind overloaded with happiness, footsteps were heard from behind me. I immediately turned my head towards the footsteps, but relaxed once I realized who it was.
It was Natalie.
"I knew I'd find you here." Natalie spoke from behind me. Her heels clicked against the pavement.
"How?" I pressed my chin to my knees and stared blankly at my fathers name. I felt movement then a hand on my shoulder.
I looked over and saw Natalie sitting down beside me. Her hand and head were on my shoulder, now looking at my fathers grave. I looked back to the stone and sighed.
"Harry called and said you had a breakdown. You weren't at your apartment or your special spot so I knew you were here." Natalie moved her hand to my opposite shoulder and brought me in for a hug.
"You know me too well." I responded dully while wiping the tears from my cheeks. Natalie chuckled.
"What's wrong babe?" Natalie readjusted her head on my shoulder. I felt her hair against my neck, it was comforting.
"Life is really shitty." I collapsed my head on top of her, feeling her hair press against my damp cheek.
"You can say that again." Natalie sighed while hugging me closer to her body. I frowned.
"My mom and I got into a huge fight. She was angry at me for leaving her for dead. And then when I told her why I did it and how she's the reason I had a bad childhood, she blamed it on work." I felt the tears flow down my face faster than before.
"Oh babe, I'm so sorry." Natalie gently rubbed my arm while comforting me as best as she could.
"Then to top it off, Eliza came and put a knife to my throat. She didn't think Ryleigh killed herself and tried to get the killer out of me. I think she wanted it to be Harry." I pointed to the bandage on my neck while I gulped back more tears. These already pouring were enough.
"It technically wasn't Harry." Natalie responded while keeping her eyes on my fathers gravestone.
"It just made me realize how terrible people can be. That's why I'm joining Alea sooner rather than later. I can't deal with Leonardo anymore. I want him dead." I tightened my jaw.
"I'm sure Harry would happily shoot Leonardo. But we can't." Natalie sighed.
"Fuck the stupid treaty. I'm done with him screwing with my life." I was starting to get angry.
"I'm right with you K. Let's just wait until you're protected, okay?" Natalie squeezed my arm.
I shook my head in agreement. I'm not known to be irrational so I was planning on being as proactive as I could be. I couldn't do it alone with no guarantee of help. From everyone.
"When are you coming back to work?" I squeezed my legs while Natalie removed her hand from my shoulder.
Instead, she moved both of her hands to my legs and took my hands. She interlocked our fingers and squeezed them.
"Tomorrow. The doctor gave me the okay." I could feel Natalie's smile against my shoulder.
"Good, I can't deal with all the testosterone anymore." I chuckled lightly to try and boost the mood.
"I can only imagine." Natalie chuckled with me.
I squeezed her hands as she helped me lighten the mood. We both hate being sad so we do anything to not be. But sometimes, you just need to be sad to not be anymore.
"You know you have Harry wrapped around your finger right?" Natalie smirked into my shoulder.
"What do you mean?" I lifted my head off of hers and looked at her. Natalie was holding back a snicker.
"He sounded the most stressed I've ever heard him when he called me. You got him to care for you." Natalie lifted her eyes up towards me and wiggled her eyebrows. I playfully nudged her.
I stared off in front of me with an unfamiliar smile across my face. A new found feeling of butterflies appeared in my stomach. He cares.
Harry Styles fucking cares.
"You're falling for him, aren't you?" Natalie brought her voice to a whisper as she slowly lifted her head to look at me.
"Am not!" I defended myself with a huge smile on my face. I wasn't, I couldn't be. Right?
"So are! K, you're falling in love." Natalie flashed me her googly eyes while I tried to hide my red cheeks.
"I am not! I barely know him." I rolled my eyes, trying to shrug off her accusation. Natalie chuckled.
"You don't have to know someone to their core to be falling in love with them." Natalie argued.
I shook my head in denial. I couldn't be falling for him. Like I said, I don't know him. At least not yet. We've known each other for a month, that's not enough time, I think.
"You deserve to be happy K. After everything you've gone through and are going through, you need a breath of fresh air once and awhile." Natalie smiled brightly at me.
"I can't believe we're talking about this in front of my dead dad's grave." I pointed to his tombstone.
He's probably watching this and dying laughing... Or cursing up a storm
"Oh crap, sorry Mr. Monroe!" Natalie apologized to the stone before covering her mouth in embarrassment.
I couldn't help the loud laugh that escaped my lips. Natalie laughed with me while we tried everything but to look at my dad's gravestone. I couldn't tell if it was because we were embarrassed or it would have made us laugh more.
"We are so going to hell." Natalie joked while collapsing her forehead to my shoulder. I slowly came down from my laughing fit.
"We're already there Nat." I sighed.
Natalie stopped her laughing and peered her head up. Her smile faded to a frown while over analyzing my self-deprecating response. Natalie sighed and leaned her head back down on my shoulder.
"She's your mother Kennedy. She'll come around." Natalie brought back our original topic of conversation.
"And if she doesn't? I'll lose her Nat." I bit down on my lip while new tears flew down my cheeks.
"If she loves you like she says she loves you, she'll come back." Natalie rubbed the top of my hand with her thumb.
"I can't lose my mother too. I love her, even though she hurt me." I placed my head back down on top of hers.
"I know Kennedy, I know." Natalie pulled my head into her shoulder just as I began to sob.
I let every ounce of my tears go. I couldn't lose her. I'd be lost for life. She's my rock, no matter how much I hate to admit it. She's a torturous bitch, but she's my mother.
I wrapped my arms tightly around Natalie as I let my pain and guilt consume me. It hurt, but I had to do it. If I didn't, it would eat me up until I felt nothing. I won't let myself not feel again.
"Shh, it's okay. Let it out, I'm here." Natalie rubbed slowly up and down my back as I cried into her long sleeve sweater.
I puckered my lips as the pain became harder and harder to bear. It was hurting, more than I anticipated. It was so hard to bear, all this emotion. I didn't like it, but I had to take it.
I let the memories and thoughts consume my brain, sucking up all the happy thoughts I was previously thinking of. My mind turned to darkness. Nothing but sad and unhappy memories flooded my brain.
I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to stop the images but it did nothing. I found myself wanting to stop it, turn it off. But I stopped myself from committing the act. If I did, I'd be worse than before. I'd be completely gone.
Who knew that my own mother could do this to me? Cause me so much pain and anguish that I wish I could stop it forever. I never wanted to feel this way again, and that thought stems from her and her manipulative words.
Was this ever going to stop?
Natalie pulled me closer to her, pressing my body hard against her. She was telling me she was there which was more than I could ever ask. She wasn't leaving, which is more than most of the people in my life can say.
I squeezed her sweater in my sweaty hands while releasing my pent up emotion. I felt the release every time I took a breath. The carbon dioxide I released was my pain and the oxygen I breathed in was the relief.
"Why does this hurt so much?" I mumbled into her shoulder while trying to fight off the agony.
"Because you're letting it go. No one said living was easy." Natalie continued to rub my back gently.
"Why is it so hard?" I questioned.
"If life was easy, no one would stick around to the end." Natalie whispered into my ear while slowly shushing me.
I took a minute to digest her words, and she was right. The whole part of living is the downs. You hit rock bottom for the feeling of freedom once you've escaped it. The pain is what makes us who we are.
Sure, there's the good parts. But you don't remember those, do you? You remember the pain and the feeling of how amazing you felt once you've overcome that pain.
Life is like a shitty roller coaster with one to many bumps and sharp turns. It's loud and obnoxious, but worth it in the end. Living is all about your final destination. And the best part about it is you chose that destination.
My tears slowly faded away the more I kept my mind off of the dangerous thoughts and feelings. My head slowly filled with familiar memories and happy thoughts that help me get through the day.
The first good thing to resurface was my breath of fresh air, Harry. His smile that I never see. But when I do, I take a mental picture every time. It was his bright emerald eyes and his child-like bunny teeth.
I saw the way he looked towards me with nothing but contentment. His mind wasn't running at full speed, it was in slow motion. He was enjoying the moment to which he and I both knew wouldn't last forever.
"Kennedy?" Natalie's voice broke my trance, forcing my brain back to reality. I pulled away from her shoulder and wiped the remaining tears from my cheeks.
"I really needed that." I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth and grinned at her. Natalie smiled.
"I will always be here for you. You can't get rid of me." Natalie chuckled while gripping my hand.
"Damn, I was planning on dropping you tomorrow." I rolled my eyes sarcastically, earning a scoff.
"Really? Same!" Natalie responded sarcastically back, playing along with me. I smiled.
"Perfect!" I said with a fake cheer smile which I instantly dropped when Natalie reached out for a hug.
I pulled her close to me, as close as I could get her. She was my other half. I really don't know what I'd do without her. Actually, I do. I'd probably be dead somewhere.
"I love you Nat." I whispered into her ear as I hugged her as tightly as I could. Natalie sniffled slightly.
"I love you more K." Natalie snuggled her head into the crock of my neck before pulling back.
She flashed me a warm grin before getting up from her seat on the grass. Natalie dusted her butt off of any dirt and leaves before starting to walk towards the exit of the cemetery.
"You coming?" She turned towards me and smiled. I looked towards her and sighed.
"I'll catch up with you tomorrow." I blew her a kiss, which she happily took with her hand.
"Goodbye K." Natalie smiled while looking down at the ground and began to walk away.
"Goodbye." I whispered, hoping that it was only me to hear. I watched as she walked down the cement walkway and out of the front gates.
I turned back around and stared down at my fathers tombstone. A small grin emerged from my lips while looking at it. I stood up from my position on the grass and dusted myself off.
"Thank you dad. I love you." I bent down and pressed a kiss to the cold stone in front of me.
"I'll see you soon." I patted the top of the stone before turning away from it and starting towards the exit.
My feet hit the concrete as I slowly made my way back to my car. I raised my head and looked towards the sky, smiling at the stars. It was a clear sky now that the sun had set. The moon was a crescent moon, but beautiful nonetheless.
I narrowed my eyes at a star that caught my eyes. I stopped in my tracks and admired the star straight above me. As I was about to start walking again, the star twinkled.
Hey dad
"Bastard." I whispered before shaking my head. He always did love his stars.
Very funny dad.
I made my way down the pathway until I reached the exit gate. Before I pushed it open I turned back around to look towards my dad's gravestone. I don't know what I was expecting, but I seem to have gotten what I wanted.
I pushed through the heavy black gate, exposing myself to the busy main road. I walked down the small sidewalk down to my car parking close to the side of the road.
I walked around the front of the car and jumped into the driver's seat. Once I slammed the door closed, I collapsed my head against the headrest. I turned my head towards the cemetery once more before turning the car on.
I put my seatbelt on and checked my mirrors before pulling onto the main road. I turned the music up slightly and relaxed my back against the seat as I drove in sync with the other cars.
My brain was on overload as I drove my way back to the casino. I couldn't just focus on one thing. I felt freed. As if I was being consumed by the pain so much so that I was trained to think about that and only that.
The car ride was silent but necessary. It was a quick drive back to Alea which was of course jamming. I pulled into an open parking spot and got out of the car. I walked towards the casino with one thing on my mind.
I bypassed all the rich men waiting to get inside and pushed through the front doors. I was met with the very familiar smell of alcohol and cigarettes. That's become my favorite scent.
I glanced around the room, looking at all the people playing jackpot or betting at the dealing tables. My eyes caught Niall talking to some girl at the jackpot machine. I jogged over to him in a hurry.
"Niall, where's Harry?" I tapped his shoulder eagerly as he broke eye contact with the pretty girl.
"Hello to you too. Are you okay? You seemed fucking dead before." Niall turned towards me with his beer in his hand.
"I'm fine. Where's Harry?" I began to tap my foot out of anticipation. I really needed to see him.
"Probably downstairs. Why do y-"
"Thanks Niall!" I cut him off and ran towards the downstairs door. I put in the code and pushed the door open.
I rushed down the stairs and smiled as my ears filled with classical music. It was the same song that was playing the first time I was watching the casino and came down here.
"You're disturbing my sulking." Harry spoke from across the room. He was looking directly towards me.
There were a few bottles of water scattered around the table, not alcohol. He had a cigarette in his mouth while he leaned back in the chair. His feet were kicked back in the chair.
"Get up." I demanded as I stomped towards him. He lifted his eyebrow in confusion. I sighed.
"Watch it." Harry shook his head while sucking on the end of the cigarette. I groaned in annoyance.
I took the cigarette from his lips and pushed it down in his ashtray, putting it out. His face changed to anger and in spite of it, he stood up. Harry's jaw tightened as he gained height against me.
"What do you th-"
Before I could finish, I pushed up to my tippy toes and connected our lips. I pushed them against each other, finally getting what I came here for. Harry hesitantly pulled back as he grew more confused.
"What was that for?" Harry looked at me like I was crazy. I huffed and gripped his shirt in my hand.
"You can't take care of me. I can do it myself." I brought him closer to me, somehow actually pressing his body against mine.
"I'm not." Harry defended.
"I care about you too. More than I should." I locked my oceans with his emeralds while I spoke dominantly.
"Kennedy, are you okay?" Harry tilted his head slightly to try and understand what I was doing.
"You're a breath of fresh air, Harry. You're something I didn't think I needed." I pulled him closer so I could feel his breath against my lips.
"Kennedy wh-"
"Just, let me kiss you." I whispered between us as I lowered my eyes to his lips. Harry smirked.
"You're not making any sense." Harry chuckled.
"I know." I whispered back before forcefully colliding our lips again.
This time, Harry kissed me back. His lips willingly mixed with mine, dancing perfectly with each other. The softness of his suckers caressing mine was a feeling I was never going to get over.
This was the feeling. The feeling after the madness, the freedom. His kiss immediately made me forget about my mother and all my stupid drama. He took the pain out of the way, just like a breath of fresh air.
Harry moved his hands to my hips as our kiss grew deeper and deeper. He didn't know this, but his touch meant more than words. Knowing that he was here was something I couldn't put into words. It's just that blissful.
I separated our innocent kiss. I placed my hands on his neck and lol'd my head back to look at him. He was still confused, and that was okay. I was confused too. But all I knew was I needed to kiss him.
"I ask again. What was that for?" Harry gently squeezed my waist while staring down into my eyes.
"Natalie was right." I whisper between us, finally coming to a realization. Harry raised an eyebrow.
"Right about what?" Harry asked, confused. I glanced down between us then back at him with a smile.
"Nothing. Just, nothing." My smile grew wider as I let the realization sink in.
I pulled his lips back towards me, connecting them once more. But this time, I had meaning for it.
I was falling for him.
This is either the worst thing to ever happen to me, or the best.
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a/n: hey besties, I'm back. Having some problems but I'm working through them:) Here's a short little chapter. Next one will be awesome, just you wait. Love you xX