Someone was banging around in my room, I heard them changing the bins, vacuuming the floor and banging the windows open. My father didn't clean, that was a woman's job.
I opened my eyes and blinked in my surroundings, my very grey, male energy surroundings. I sat up quick and then grabbed my head which echoed in pain with my sudden movement.
"Oh hey, I was trying not to wake you." Says the lady making maximum noise.
I squirmed uncomfortably, thankful to be fully dressed even if it was only in Arlo's stupid soccer jersey.
The embarrassment felt hot on my cheeks as the flashbacks of last night rolled in like a kaleidoscope of bad memories. Arlo moved beneath the covers next to me and I gnawed down on my lip nervously.
"Mom, go away." His raspy voice complained from the deep, dark depths of his bed. She dropped her tied trash bag to the floor and sat down dipping the bottom of his mattress. I shifted awkwardly further up, my heart pounding with regret.
"So you stayed over last night." She observed.
"Mom-" Arlo sighed out.
"That's new." She seemed interested and curious, assessing the situation through her deep brown eyes. They were big and pretty but also intimidating, I mean, this was his mom.
My lips were glued together in fear of saying the wrong thing. "Listen Fearne" she placed her hand over mine and I looked down at the contrasting skin colours. "I don't know how things work for you, medically speaking."
"Mom, oh my god. Don't." Arlo begged, sitting up and putting his hands over his face. I kept myself extremely rigid. This felt awkward.
"But I got pregnant with Arlo's sister at a young age and I just want to make sure you're both being careful." Arlo groaned behind his hands, it was like someone had poured cement down my throat, I couldn't speak.
Visions of last night plagued my mind, I messed up. I plunged deeply into temptation and ruined my own purity, his mom knew that. She could see right through me and now she was here to give me the abstinence speech that I was so used to hearing. She was about to tell me how I drastically lowered my self worth by giving myself away to someone other than my husband.
I felt sick and disappointed in myself.
"If you ever wanted to go on birth control that needs an adults consent I'll sort it for you. An IUD, the pill, the coil... anything. I mean, I don't want to step on any boundaries or anything and I know Liv would help you out in a heartbeat but it's complicated for them. They'd have to go through your social worker or who ever has parental rights over you and it would have to be documented. It could get messy but I'll do it on the quiet, no fucks given."
"Jesus Christ mom, just stop. We're platonic." Arlo was dying of shame beside me.
"Okay that's good. But still, I'm just letting the girl know she has options, nothing wrong with that." She stood up, picking up her trash bag again.
I don't get it, was his mom encouraging us to have sex? What world is this?
"Thank you Mrs Peers but I'm good." I offered her a shy smile.
"Remember, cover your stump before you hump. Take some for the road." She winked at us and then nodded towards the basket of condoms on his bedside table. She scampered out of the door and closed it behind her, leaving Arlo and I alone. Silence fell over us. I hated the silence.
"I'm sorry about her, she's embarrassing." He gestured with his arms and I cowered back in alarm. Two small bumps appeared above his brows and he dropped his arm back down on the bed. "I'm not gonna hurt you." He said slowly.
I threw the comforter off me and practically bounced out of bed, he watched my every move. I grabbed some sweatpants from his closet and pulled them on in a haste.
"I gotta go." I hopped around the bedroom trying to pull my shoes on without opening the laces and he walked towards me. So I made a dash into his en-suite and locked the door, throwing myself against it and closing my eyes.
Fuck, great going Fearne. Run away from him.
"We need to talk." He shouted through the door, his voice vibrating through the wood like he was standing directly behind it.
"I don't want to talk." I admitted.
"Please just come out." I could hear the desperate plea in the tone of his voice, it made me hate myself even more.
I glanced at myself in his over-sink cabinet mirror and reached up to tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear but my heinous glare hooked onto my hands and I held them out in front of me, utterly disgusted with myself. I turned on the faucet and scrubbed them with the fruity hand soap, steam emitted from the water and it made my hands turn pink but I didn't care. The hotter the water the more it cleansed away the germs.
I touched him.
I put him in my mouth.
I watched him react in an intimate way.
I enjoyed it.
I'm a slut.
My head spun like I was on an anti-gravity ride and I couldn't get myself clean. I splashed soapy water up my arms, rubbing ferociously while the tears poured. I was sick of it, this grueling mentality. I felt so isolated and empty inside.
How could Lexi be so openly sexual and not feel guilty? How could Arlos parents casually offer him contraception but mine tells me having sex is a sin worse than murder? Why aren't they controlled by guilt and failure?
I opened the cabinet looking for something to take away my headache. My eyes widened at the display in front of me. It was like I had walked into a drug store. So many coloured pill canisters, pill organisers, boxes and boxes of drugs.
Anti depressants.
Anti-psychotic medications
Anti anxiety pills.
Sleeping tablets.
Heavy Sedatives.
ADHD meds.
Bipolar meds.
Prescribed drugs
Counter service drugs
Herbals
Vitamins
Oils
The list was endless.
This was his fault, all this started with him. I was perfectly fine until he kissed me and ruined everything.
Anger stabbed at my heart and made my nostrils flare. I was so done with him. I slammed closed the cabinet and turned towards the door. Air swept into my lungs from the gigantic breath I took before I opened it and feasted my eyes on Arlo.
He sat on the edge of his bed, legs spread wide at the knees and his head bowed down. He was waiting for me. He jumped up and paced over to me but I held my hands up to stop him.
"You told me you hadn't been drinking." the crack in his voice chipped at my heart.
"I told you I couldn't reciprocate your feelings." I folded my arms over my chest to protect my heart, he looked utterly defeated.
My eyes were heavy and if I blinked right now the tears would pour relentlessly. His eyebrows drew together, I could see him processing, the way he retained information was slower than the average person.
"You seemed sober." He raked his hands through his bed-head curls. "You can't honestly be mad at me?" My stomach twisted into a knot.
"I'm not." My instinct would never allow me to be mad at him for this, he didn't have a malicious bone in his body. Any fool could see that.
"I'm mad at myself." I bit into my lip so hard it cracked, leaving a metallic taste in my mouth. "What we did was disgusting. I'm disgusting."
He sucked in his lower lip "I'm not that bad, am I?" He tried for a little smirk but when I nodded it melted from his face. I knew what I needed to do.
"Your medicine cabinet is full of drugs." His eyes narrowed to slits "You're a freak. Why would I want that?"
The tension crackled between us. I had wounded him, hurt his precious heart just because I needed to push him away. I wasn't strong enough to stay away on my own.
"I'll wash the clothes and have Jamie return them."
I was talking to a ghost, he was lost to his own thoughts and was never going to reply so instead I just left.