Best Served Fake

By onceuponabook_

1.9M 62.5K 16.2K

"Little Valerie," said Kai, bending closer to me. "Are you blackmailing me into dating you?" He didn't seem p... More

two // kiss my flirtatious ass
three // betrayal is super kinky
four // forgive me
five // spotlight
six // we are never ever getting back together
seven // would you forgive me anything?
eight // everyone saw my boob
interlude // instagram DM
nine // goodbye
ten // the dumbest plan
eleven // the big phallus
twelve // very mafia of you
interlude // valerie's text messages
thirteen // i haven't peed in three days
fourteen // you're such a dick
fifteen // disparage away
sixteen // girlfriend?
seventeen // cut his balls off
interlude // valerie's text messages
eighteen // wink, wink, hint, hint
nineteen // keep talking creeper to me
twenty // you shameless hussy
twenty-one // stage one
twenty-two // are we putting on a show?
twenty-three // only one bed
twenty-four // drums of war
twenty-five // you're disgusting, james
twenty-six // a proposition
twenty-seven // nothing like a play about piss
twenty-eight // lena montez
twenty-nine // how dare he
thirty // you know, platonically
thirty-one // purple tutu
interlude // valerie's text messages
thirty-two // the questions game
thirty-three // swimming carnival
thirty-four // eat shit
thirty-five // foundation
thirty-six // what-the-actual-fuck o'clock
thirty-seven // kai's second fave after jamie
thirty-eight // faked her own death
thirty-nine // getting railed on a balcony
forty // shit list
forty-one // be my alibi
forty-two // romantically bone down
forty-three // not here to fuck spiders
forty-four // mass exodus
forty-five // bitching it is so much less stressful
forty-six // there will never be two
forty-seven // kill a fifteen-year-old
interlude // a text conversation
forty-eight // abrasive and off-putting
forty-nine // a human-sized dick sponge
fifty // unwilling ghost
fifty-one // squashed lemon
fifty-two // some sort of harley quinn
interlude // instant message
fifty-three // we're even
fifty-four // decked him
interlude // cora's text messages
fifty-five // the best thing
fifty-six // the whole time
other works
Q+A
playlist
bonus // kai's pov

one // own my heart

81.9K 1.3K 633
By onceuponabook_

"I'm honestly going to kill her one day."

I raised an eyebrow sceptically at Sydney, who was glaring down at her phone with irritation, and taking her anger out on her plate of eggs and bacon. I thought this was a little bit unfair; the bacon had already been killed once. It was a tough day to be bacon.

I swirled the remnants of my iced coffee with my straw and leaned back into the solid warmth of my boyfriend, Tommy, who was tapping absently at his own phone. "No need to share your plans. I don't want to be an accessory to your crime and be sent off to prison. I have a moral objection against taking a dump in public toilets, and I don't want to die of constipation behind bars."

Tommy nudged my arm. "Cute."

Sydney shot a look at Tommy that suggested she didn't particularly care for his input. But we she turned back to me, she was grinning brightly. "You're such a class act, babe. But wouldn't we be the best prison roomies? We both rock in orange."

I nodded in agreement. "It would be an awesome week or so, you know, before I died of constipation. You could definitely beat up all the girls who try to kill me."

"I think she is trying to kill me," Sydney complained, glaring at her phone again. With her beautiful long hair held back by big, stylish sunglasses and the perfect coral manicure, Syd looked like the kind of girl who would be stalked by paparazzi in L.A., or have a very successful Youtube channel where she suggested that people could be just as hot as she was if they followed an elaborate skincare routine, and spent thousands of dollars on products using her affiliate code. But the way she was murdering her phone screen with her eyeballs was less Kim Kardashian, and more slasher-movie-villain.

I tilted my head sympathetically. "Cora?"

Sydney slumped forward, her head falling dramatically into her hands. "She's incessant. It's non-stop. 'Sydney, make sure you drink water and eat a handful of food before we go out tonight'. 'Sydney, Kai isn't coming to the party tonight, so please don't ditch the party to find him'. 'Sydney, make sure you don't hook up with anyone in poison ivy bush again, haha, LOL.' She's such a martyr."

"Cora can be... a little much with her concern, I guess," I replied carefully, ignoring the slight twinge of guilt that always accompanied my constant need to appease Sydney. "But she's probably right about the poison ivy. I don't think hives are coming into fashion anytime soon."

To be fair, Cora's concern could be suffocating, but Sydney could also be a little much with her need to always be the wildest member of every party she walked into. I had never particularly enjoyed being the in-between of our little trio; always toeing the line between joining Sydney for shots in the kitchen or following Cora to the bathroom to hold back hair or offer water to those in need.

Tommy had always had a clear opinion of the best side to take. He looked up from his phone to shoot Sydney a sneering look. "You're so right, she sounds like such a bitch. Caring about your health and wellbeing? How rude of her." He quite liked Cora—who was always sweet, and far more pleasant to him than Sydney ever had been—and didn't enjoy Sydney's relentless disparaging remarks.

"Well, you would know a thing or two about being overbearing, wouldn't you?" Sydney snapped back. Her smile didn't fade, but turned to something sharp and feline, wielded almost as if it were a blade. It was a smile that was downright vicious. "Is Valerie going to be allowed to leave your sight tonight, or did you want me to purchase a leash to make it easier for you?"

"I'm sure you have plenty in stock, you know, since you've been trying to bring Kai Delaney to heel for, what, five years now? Cora was right. Plan on following him from house to house again tonight?"

Sydney pasted a simpering smile on her face, and placed her hands over her chest. "Aw, are you still jealous because you play second fiddle to Kai in everything? Don't worry, love, just because I can recognise a good guy when I see one, doesn't mean Valerie will."

It was always like this. Always went one step too far, always involved my name as a weapon, the ace in their deck. No insults could pierce the skin quite like the ones that invoked my name; the tenuous thread between them, that tied them together, and the one that would never snap. Because I would never pick a side, not really, and though they always, always tried to curry my favour, just in case, deep down, they both knew it too.

"You know the thing I love about passive-aggressiveness?" I interjected. The Sydney and Tommy Show was perpetually exhausting. Both of them, constantly grappling to one-up the other in an endless game of tug-of-war. At least this time, I wasn't the rope in the middle. "How productive it is. Always conducive to great solutions. You should keep going, this is such good fun for me."

Sydney and Tommy almost seemed contrite. "Sorry, Valerie," they chorused. The only thing they ever seemed to agree on, in the two years since Tommy and I had started going out, was that they would always apologise to me for fighting in my presence. Unfortunately, this had not resulted in an end to the constant snipes.

"You know what's interesting about fighting?" I continued. "It's actually super easy to just... not do. When someone you don't like says something you don't agree with, you just... do not respond or verbally attack them. Learned it in kindergarten. Valuable stuff."

"I'm really, really sorry. Like, the sorriest. That was totally uncalled for," Sydney said.

Tommy dropped a kiss on my forehead. "I'm sorry, babe."

Sydney glared at him. "Oh, drop the whole act. You can't just kiss her and make it all better. That's unfair."

And sometimes, it felt like those apologies were less about my comfort, and a little more about not wanting me to drop one of them for the other. Even apologising was a competition.

Tommy looked down at his watch. "Shit, guys, I've got to go help Jack set up for tonight. What time will you be getting there?" he asked me.

"I don't know. Maybe 8?"

"Perfect," said Tommy. He bent down to whisper in my ear. "Oh, and I asked Jack. He's given me the key to one of the upstairs bedrooms. You know, if you wanted to head up there during the party tonight."

I laughed and shoved him off me. "No way!" I giggled. "You can't just ditch the party. Don't be boring, Tom. We can sneak up to Jack Heath's bedroom some other time."

Tommy pouted. "C'mon, Val."

I shot him my best pleading eyes, mocking his ridiculous expression. "C'mon," I imitated. "Parties are time for socialising. And drinking."

"Here, here," said Sydney, raising her glass of water. "To better mistakes than Tommy Aster!"

I turned to give her my best disapproving look for her unnecessary attack on my boyfriend when I was already engaging in a sensitive diplomatic mission, but she was already blinking innocently at me. Pre-apologies. Great.

The look Tommy returned was hardly innocent; he looked at Sydney with disgust and heated anger. She waved cheekily back. I sighed internally. Incredible. Fantabulous. Not that hard, guys.

"Anyway, I'll see you later," said Tommy. "I love you."

I blew him a kiss as he strolled out of the coffee shop, his hands buried in his pockets, whistling a jaunty tune. It was sad, really, that I was relieved when the door closed behind him and he disappeared from view. I loved Tommy and I loved Sydney, as much as I loved anyone, really. They were both my cornerstones; the two constants in my life. But it was far easier to spend time with them separately. Two years, and civil conversation seemed to remain steadily out of their grasp.

As soon as Tommy had left, Sydney immediately perked up, flashing me her winning movie star smile. "Please tell me you're planning on wearing something gorgeous tonight, babe, because Tommy would absolutely die if you didn't take him up on that offer and still rocked up looking like a million bucks."

I grinned back at her. "I wasn't thinking anything too elaborate. Jeans, probably."

Sydney shrugged. "I shouldn't have bothered asking. You will look stunning regardless, as you always do. As will I, because I want to post pictures that are absolutely irresistible to Mr. Delaney."

That was Sydney to the core. If there was anything Sydney was good at, it was pretty compliments paired with pretty smiles. It was one of the many things I loved about her; I never felt my confident, more beautiful, than when I was at her side. It shouldn't have been the case, because Sydney was, and always had been, the most gorgeous girl in our town. She was destined for catwalks and magazine covers; she knew it, too. But instead of feeling pale in comparison, Sydney had a surprising way of making you feel as if the blessed sun that bet down on her was warming you, too.

She winked at me and took a delicate sip from her smoothie. It was in moments like this that I would never understand how Sydney had failed to catch the attention of Kai Delaney. It wasn't for lack of trying. Sydney had been created countless schemes to capture Kai's attention, dating back to the eighth grade.

We'd thrown pool parties, danced on tables, strategized for the pair of them to be partners for projects; once, Sydney had even convinced me to pretend my car had broken down in front of his house, so that he would offer to drive me home, where she would be waiting to play the sympathetic friend. Apparently, her car breaking down would've been 'way too obvious'.

"I'm sure Kai will see them and fall so hard in love that he breaks his neck," I assured her.

Sydney preened with satisfaction, fluffing her hair as if victory over Kai's heart was already assured. If there was anything Sydney possessed in bounds, it was confidence.

Then she patted my hand. "And I'm sure when Tommy sees you, he will become even more obsessed in love with you, like, to the extent that he will just hand you his balls in a gift box."

I snorted a laugh. "Yeah, okay."

"I mean, you pretty much own them already," said Sydney with a wave, as she stabbed at a piece of bacon with her fork. "His single brain cell is solely fixated on you, baby girl. You own Tommy Aster's balls and his heart."

"Thanks, Syd," I said drily. "I'm just working on my collection. Next step, pinky toe."

Sydney smirked. "Didn't know you were a feet girl."

Miming a violent gag, I threw a leftover fry at her. "Gross, stop."

She smiled, and her hand came to rest over mine. When she looked into my eyes, it was with complete seriousness and sincerity. Sydney had always been so good at that; she always knew when to be light and funny and charming, and when to be honest and sincere and genuine. As far as I knew, Sydney had never been in trouble for anything. It was impossible not to forgive her, when she levelled those eyes on you. "I'm sorry for always fighting with him, Ally. I really am. I'm seriously going to try and make an effort for you. You deserve it, and I haven't been the best friend for not having made nice already."

I waved her off, as I always did. There was nothing that Sydney could ever do that I couldn't forgive. "It's okay, but I really would appreciate it."

Sydney leant back in her seat, a satisfied smile on her face. "Done. Because you know that you own my heart, too, Val. Both of us would do anything for you."

***

Hello and welcome, pals, to my brand new story. I've had this one swirling around in the back of my brain for a while. After just finishing Tightrope, I was immediately so pumped to jump back into the heads of my characters. While I love and adore Lena, I have also come to adore Valerie, and I hope you guys do too.

Vote and comment for a virtual hug of complete gratitude!

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