"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Arjun
If I'm in mansion, I spend most of my time either in my room or outside in the backyard.
The non-speaking plants and trees seemed a much comfortable company than people inside. Pushing myself in the lawn swing occasionally stuffing spoonful of delicious halwa from second or third serving, my overdrive senses were steadily calming down.
After exiting dad's office, I immediately walked in here.
Glancing at Mom who was busy analyzing her precious plants, I sighed. This woman doesn't know the meaning of rest. Both mom and dad are on autopilot with their schedules, one'd never find them lazing around. Even if they own such gracious wealth that would be enough for many lifetimes.
Amidst disciplined routines, they'd have all the meals together and evening long walks after dinner without fail. It honestly bewilders me how both are in sync for everything in their life. A small fights or banter here and there but nothing would drift their compatibility.
I don't think it's possible to find such deeper level of understanding where anything could happen, still their trust and love for each other would be unshakable.
A water bottle comes in my view breaking my chain of thoughts, I squint to see Mom gesturing at me to take it. Muttering a thank you, I drink few sips sighing loudly. I set the empty bowl beside and was about to cap the bottle when mom stops.
"You will need it in a minute."
Her cryptic words made me lift my brow as she sits beside me. She is wearing brown cargo pants and white half length kurti already stained in brown soil spots. Her hair pulled back in tight bun, it's a puzzle that there wouldn't be a single stray of hair out of place.
She keeps tapping fingers on her knees, a clear sign of her uncertainty. This rises my doubts at the prospect of her thoughts because mom is always confident about her decisions or words.
"I want you to get married." She blurts.
I choke down on my own spite, already expecting the reaction mom simply tilts the bottles to my lips. She rubs my back while trying to control her chuckles. Once I breathed out, I give her 'are you serious' kind of expression. How long was she thinking about it?
She sits back crossing one ankle over the other giving me that posture, I internally groaned. It meant she was fully prepared to get her way with this discussion.
"I know, this seems to be out of blue but it's not. I only wished to suggest you about considering next step in life."
I contemplate my reasons for few seconds, "Yamini, I'm in middle of settling my career, the firm is yet to earn a name before I even think of such drastic phase of life. I don't think, It's the perfect time."
She'd pursue me if I were to straight forward reject the idea. So I had to give a valid reason beside the fact that I was also avenging the murderer of ma. Surely, it wasn't time to bring her in this chaos.
The direction of my internal thoughts paused my breathing- I was actually connecting marriage and Meera. The fuck?
"Arjun, mom clasp my hand in hers. I will my deranged emotions to seek comfort from her motherly warmness. "Listen, if you honestly have some different category of goals that need your sole attention then its fine. Otherwise, trust me on this, this phase of life where you are constructing a future is most convenient one to share and include your life partner."
"And trust me Arjun there is no thing called perfect time, if you feel it right in your heart then everything is perfect. You should never take destiny for granted. I can tell you from my experience." She averts her eyes but I have seen them tearing up.
Mom must be reliving that dreadful experience again. Where she kept delaying to accept dad's feelings for her because she wanted to wait little longer to settle in her life. And next she heard was for him getting into an accident.
They shared these facts with vivan and me, where even after many years of their togetherness, it would still bring the reminisces of dread for almost losing each other in their eyes.
I pull her in side hug, "Stop remembering awful things. Instead look at the bright side Yamini, your love for each other succeeded to bend down the destiny. Also I'm sure the Satan must have feared, if any mishap were to happen, he'd have to face an over dramatic and over bearing stubborn woman later. So it was best not to meddle and leave the man to spend his lifetime with such woman." I pull a face to further exaggerate.
She playfully scoffs freeing herself to tug my ear just like in childhood. "Ouch Yamini, just a few minutes ago you were asking me to get married and here you are treating me like a child."
"Even if you age seventy, still I will treat you like my child."
' And I wouldn't mind at all.'
"Don't you dare change the topic. From your past history at least I know you are straight, so I take it that imprinted letter M is related to a girl." She teases eyeing my wrist.
I turn my head to hide some warm effect on my face, why the hell my parent seemed adamant to turn me into shy teenager.
It was such an embarrassing memory. During my spooky college days that strayed in sudden rush of hormones. I tried to explore them and experience all sort of adventures. Against my better conscience I brought once a random hookup from a club I used to visit. I was so badly drunk that my senses failed to notice presence of mom and dad at home.
Thankfully things didn't turned out worst, mom had made both of us sleep in separate room and the girl was gone by next day I woke up. Though I couldn't forget the disappointment I had seen in their eyes for my actions especially mom. She was mainly upset due to the fact, I was indulging in bad habits to lessen or hide my pain.
She didn't touch but her tears for days were like an awakening slap to me. Dad hardly talked with me. Right then, I promised to better myself at least for them. All the habits were gone one by one except smoking. It was toughest one to quit, then... Meera happened.
"You know another coincidence, the girl I have selected for you- her name starts with the same letter." She continues cheerfully.
Wait, what.
I whipped my neck in her direction. She was already nominating brides. I vigorously shook my head not happening. I don't know if I'm considering this topic, nevertheless some random girl as my bride. The mere thought churned my stomach.
"Her name is," she gets interrupted to loud ping of my phone.
I rush to snatch it from my side pocket grateful for the distraction. It takes a single read of the message to clench my muscles in vexation. Remembering mom was observing me, I stuff back the phone and face her with sort of normalcy.
"Yamini, I have to..." she waves off.
"I trust you, go and handle whatever it is." She stood up, "Ah, I forgot to tell you, Inder and I are going for two day trip near Lonavala to venture few properties and of course to enjoy long drive."
"Why," I ask walking with her.
"To build our dream holiday home once we retire." She announces while radiantly smiling.
They were planning to leave us behind, I looked at her not composing my dull expression.
She comfortingly rubs my arm, "Don't worry, it's not a permanent arrangement. Besides unless I get to play with five or six of my grandchildren, you won't get rid of me so easily."
I scowled at how wisely she could switch the topic and get back on me.
"I'm not getting married." I cross my arms huffing in annoyance.
She laughs then facing me, she starts back walking, "we will see, it may be easy to fall in love but it takes immense courage to conquer it."
I concentrate half on her words and half on the path so she wouldn't stumble. Dad was correct despite her age, Mom couldn't let go her childishness. "And what is love, if it's not impulsive with spice of madness."
She declares loudly almost losing her foot, before I reach her Dad suddenly appears and catch her in his arms. They completely forget the outside world. Sighing, I pinch my nose, such a dramatic pose. It brought a smile though, so quickly capturing their moment in phone I leave the love birds.
*****
The feeling of repeated failure was shaking my determination.
I know this was not something to be given up but it was getting difficult. To remain strong even after all the efforts and meeting a dead end. The message I received was from Sajid a detective associate that I trusted for collecting evidences against Vikram.
It took months and all I got was just a name, Runvijay. What exactly was his connection with Vikram was unknown. Just a name appeared frequently around Vikram's illegal tasks. It was frustrating to know how close I'd get one minute only to be pushed miles from grasping the right evidences.
The relentless rain on my body was unsuccessful to pull me from pit of depressing thoughts. Sighing out loud, I brushed back my drenched hair, clutching nape of neck, I let my eyes roam around to bring back movement in my numb senses.
I double check when a familiar girl caught my eyes. I can't believe it, she was actually there. An amused chuckle left me, my feet carrying me closer to her. Her presence alone smoothened all my previous negative thoughts.
Though my amusement dwindled replacing with immediate concern.
What the hell is she thinking soaking herself in this rain?
"Meera,"
I made sure to raise my voice over the spluttering heavy rain, her reaction was obvious. Frozen in her spot, she turned to face me. Not thinking much of my move, I held her wrist making her to walk with me.
The dome shaped stoned cave few steps away, proved a convenient roof for both of us. It was open on both sides, the other side leading to forestry area. Although it was just an unhabituated area and was safe for casual strolls.
The campus made sure to secure the isolated areas with fences. Dad was unforgiving in any matters related to security.
My attention was drawn back to the girl in front of me. 'Shit, what a sight it was'.
Her back cornered to the wall, eyes filled with curiosity and sparks of desire fixed on me. I was clearly aware of her crush for me, I couldn't deny how it boosted my ego. This was the position I wanted to be with her- close, my body hovering her.
But this was also challenging my restraints.
The way tiny drops of water dripped on her fluffy cheek, small chin, then followed the smooth skin of her neck. Absolutely delectable. I avoided her glistening pink lips purposefully. The brief imagination of droplets of water lingering on them or the way I know her lips were slightly parted attempting to level her breathing made me clench of my jaw tightly not to growl loudly.
Though, my greedy eyes shifted to another of my favorite spot. As expected the little white bead of her nose pin was tempting me to swirl my tongue over the water droplet on it. Unknowingly a groan left me, I slammed my hand beside her head to stamp down the spike of desires raising inside.
I'd surely do something that would cross the line.
A low whimper made me look in her eyes, she almost closed but forced them to be open. Automatically, my eyes softened to the level that was meant only for her. This was the reason I kept my distance from her. Not only my life but also my personality was too complicated for her pure, innocent nature.
It took me years of practice, hell lot of efforts to keep my anger or many disgruntled emotions under leash. Enough experiences to remind the otherwise consequences if I let them slip out of my hands. I thought everything in me was finally under my control.
Oh, how wrong this five foot two inch girl proved me.
When she crossed my path one year back, bravely pointing my fault in front of whole gathering- I was goner. I don't even want to argue over it with myself.
The rage of emotions she ignited was nothing that I could have prepared myself.
In front of everyone even if I outwardly don't accept her effect, she is my priority. Always going to be.
The ricocheted pattern of rain was increasing, we were in the same position staring at each other. Her black iris mesmerize me so instantly. Even if I have to significantly bend my back, I'd not trade for anything else. It'd resemble bowing down to cherish an allure like her.
"Just how deeper you could bewitch me, huh?"
Her eyes drop down, I frown not able to look into them. Then I notice the evident pink on her cheeks, it drawn me that I unknowingly said the words louder. I bit back another groan appreciating how responsive she could get with just mere words.
I wonder what my actual touch would do to her or till where her blush would spread on her soft skin.
Forcefully, I push myself away from her, roughly rubbing my jaw breathing through my nose few times. This was not the right moment to get a boner. She'd be terrified of me obviously.
To even have these lecherous thoughts about her in my mind felt like a sin. Not before I earned my right to claim her, with her consent of course. I'd have been scared to even consider that committed path but if it's her then... I want to reconsider.
I looked behind my shoulder, her lower lip frowning I can only guess she was scolding herself for reacting to my closeness. I couldn't help chuckle how she was absolutely oblivious to depth of my passion for her, only her.
Remembering that she was almost drenched, chugging my leather jacket, I cursed myself for not making her wear it earlier. It was actually not my fault to be distracted with my fascination. She shot her head up with the same expression, as I draped the jacket over her, tugging the material properly.
I bit my lip not to laugh as her short figure was left dwarfing. One wild thought crossed my mind, I wanted to see her in my t-shirt, just t-shirt.
Urgh, I have to get air, cannot have another doze of these urges.
"Arjun,"
I inhaled sharply, a wave of strong warmness echoed just like the crack of clouds outside. This girl seriously seemed hell bent to test my control. If it were to me she'd be glued to my body and I'd demand her to keep repeating my name until I felt satiated.
Not now, I remind myself.
Glancing at her sideways, I said "Meera, Let me drop you home, the rain has slowed down." I don't wait for her response.
Once we neared my bike I quickly made her wear my helmet, she was about to argue I sternly shook my head. Maybe I should develop the habit of carrying a smaller one for her, it felt right to have her on my bike, in my space.
"Meera, I absolutely liked saying her name. She blinked questionably at me.
"The roads tend be slippery due to the raining though I'd make sure to drive carefully. Still, don't hesitate to hold me tightly, for support." I added the last part not to make her uncomfortable.
"Shit," I cursed as her arms tightened around my abdomen.
Even if it was not direct contact, I could feel my muscles contracting to her delicate touch. Not to indulge in further fantasies, I concentrated on driving taking it safe and slow. In complete silence, we reached the destination sooner to my likeness.
I parked the bike two buildings away from her place. Rain had already stopped and I knew she wasn't comfortable to be seen with me by her family. Whatever maybe her reason, I respected it.
She uncurls her hold, I fist my hand not to pull them back and step down carefully. I take my jacket and helmet as she returns waiting for her to walk back home. She keeps standing alternating to look down and up at me, contemplating something.
My hands itch to push her soaked stray hair behind her ear. My mind on its own calculates if her braid itself reaches till her waist then her open hair would drape her entire back. What it'd be to inhale them and lose my sanity in her. Shit, I have to leave.
I get to say her, when sighing loudly she says, "Arjun, is there something bothering you? I mean it's just, just that I noticed you were disturbed or maybe sad about something."
She stares at me and I only blink at her. In span of few minutes she was able to read right through me, my senses were again getting on overdrive.
"Nothing." I give her an automatic reply.
"That is not the correct way to deny or answer a question." She meekly point out.
I admired she didn't straight away agreed and went on with my bullshit. She knows to stand her ground.
"I understand if you don't want to share right now which is totally fine. I only wanted you to know if you ever wish to talk, I will be here- she frowns twirling her dupatta then force a smile, "...I mean as a friend."
"Absolutely not!!" unconsciously, I utter the words louder.
I cringe when she practically jumps back in her spot even one of the pedestrians turn their attention on us. The idea of being friend zoned by her irritated me, knotted my stomach in distress. I couldn't be only a friend to her.
Though like all the bad timings, things drifted to another misunderstanding.
Her crestfallen expression was a punch in my gut, "Of course, I was being silly." Her voice cracks as she starts taking few steps back.
I shake my head, desperate to clear the situation, she keeps creating distance between us. "I know you already have good friends, way better than me. What was I thinking, she swallows evidently, "you...don't need me."
She swivels on her feet and runaway. I jump off my bike almost went to shout her name when a girl from inside step in front of her. Meera hurriedly walk past her and I was left kicking myself for ending up in another misconception with her.
Fucking hell, I groan clutching my hair as if I could change anything with it.
*****
Hours later, I found myself lying on my bike in some deserted road. The image of her hurtful expression kept replaying in my mind. I uselessly rubbed my fingers on my chest to lessen the unease, the constant ache I was feeling in my heart.
She wouldn't answer my calls either, so here I was doing my pity party. The chilly breeze of night failed to bring any sort of calmness. Even wearing partial damp clothes couldn't bring any coolness to the discomfort inside.
I was not sure of many things in my life. Except for finding the culprit- that was the sole redemption of my life. Until I met her. What were these flair of emotions?
I'd feel jealous, angry if I find someone upsetting her, few times myself unintentionally being the reason, worried if she was being careless, feel like sharp piercing to see her hurtful expression. There is whole different exceeding levels and depths of fiery desire for her. Every encounter with her only magnifies these feelings, for her.
It should overwhelm me as I'm worst when it comes to face tide of emotions- instead it exhilarates me.
'Meera- she was drive to my life force, purpose of my heartbeat. It was time to accept this truth. The simple acceptance surged a pleasant hum in every inch of my skin.
Taking few slow breaths, I control the shaking of my fingers and dial a contact. She answers in two rings.
"Arjun, please tell me you didn't get soaked in rain."
Always a typical mother. Before I could make an excuse, few round of sneezes from me proved her assumptions. A light cold won't harm me. But If I don't speak the words then my entire life would remain scattered.
"Yamini, I pause,
"I believe, the perfect time has finally arrived. My heart, actually every body part is screaming its approval." I can't stand in one spot, jolts of tingles run through my body.
The receiver side gets silent, frowning I check the screen if the call is still connected. Then a loud squeal almost made me drop my phone. Dad scolds her to lower her voice yet she remains unfazed.
I squeeze my eyes shut, continuing, "I will need your and Sir's blessings to...decide next phase of my life. Okay be safe and Bye."
There I said it, so Arjun Rajvansh it's actually going to happen.
I wonder what is going to be Meera's reaction.