I am savouring the moment with myself as the wind continue to sway my hair into the air. This is it. I will be someone’s wife at the end of the day. A wife to a husband I barely know of.
Kilala ko lang si Jayme dahil isa siya sa anak ng business partner ng mga magulang ko. Yes, we’re already in the 20th century yet they still do the ‘arrange marriage’ thing, which I don’t like. Pumayag lang naman akong magpakasal dahil ito ang huling habilin ni Lolo sa akin bago siya namatay. Of course, para sa negosyo nila. Yun lang naman ang importante sa kanila, negosyo, pera, reputasyon, kasikatan. Hindi na nila naiisip pahalagahan ang nararamdaman ng mga tao sa paligid nila. They were like robots.
“Ikakasal ka na talaga...” I wasn’t surprise with his presence, I memorized everything about him. Raji, my bestfriend ever since we were grade school.
I smile, a fake one. “Oo, eh.” Umupo ako sa buhangin, ganun din siya.
“Parang kailan lang sinabi natin sa isa’t isa na sabay tayong ikakasal, yun pala mauuna ka sa akin. Ang daya mo...” pilit niyang pinatutunog-biro ang sinabi niya, pero kilala ko si Raji.
“Magpakasal ka na rin, sabay tayo.” Sinasabayan ko nalang ang sinabi niya.
Malakas na buntong hininga ang pinakawalan niya. At tumingin sa akin, “Hindi na pwede...” natigilan siya at agad ring nakabawi, “Ibig kong sabihin, hindi pa pwede. Marami pa akong gusting patunayan sa sarili ko para maging karapat-dapat ako sa babaeng gusto ko.”
Sana ako nalang yung babaeng gusto mo, Raj.
Napailing ako sa sariling naisip. “Ang swerte niya kung ganon...” mahinang sambit ko.
“Malapit nang lumubog ang araw, Ci. Balik ka na sa kwarto mo para makapag-ayos ka na. Pumunta lang ako dito para sabihin sayo yan.” Tumayo siya at pinagpagan ang kamay na may kaunting buhangin bago niya inilahad sa akin para alalayan akong tumayo.
“Hayy! So, this is it... I’m getting married.” I looked at him in the eye, hindi ko mabasa ang mga mata niya, it looks empty...and sad?
“Ikakasal ka, Ci. Dapat masaya ka.” He’s trying to cheer me up, but how can I be happy if he’s not the one I’m going to marry?
“Yeah right.” I smile. Pero alam naming pareho na peke iyon. Ganun namin ka kabisado ang bawat isa.
“Ci, please. It hurt me seeing you like this. Kung pwede lang kitang itakas ginawa ko na.” Pain is evident in his face. I’m hurting because he’s hurting.
“Hindi mo naman gagawin yan, alam ko. I know how much you respect my parents, you will not disappoint them.” Tinatanaw niyang malaking utang na loob ang pagtulong ng mga magulang ko sa kanila ng pamilya niya. But for the longest time that he worked for our family, he already paid it. Kami na nga ata ang may utang na loob sa kanya. If it’s not because of Raji, baka wala na ako dito sa mundo.
“Yeah, your parents.” He let out a sigh heavily.
“Can I get a hug from my bestfriend before I get married?” i asked in teary eyes.
“You don’t have to ask, Ci. Come here.” And he enveloped his arms around me. This is so comforting. Whenever I’m in his arms, it felt like home. I feel safe in his arms. I feel at ease.
“Ms. Cierra, are you ready?” the wedding organizer ask me.
Am I ready? I should be.
Tumango ako sa organizer at iginiya niya sa akin ang daan patungo sa lugar kung saan gaganapin ang kasal...ko.
Nagsimula nang tumugtug ang kanta, ‘Beautiful In White’. Yan ang gusto kong kanta na maririnig sa kasal ko habang naglalakad patungo sa harap ng kung saan naghihintay ang lalaking sasamahan ako sa habang buhay. Isang lalaki lang ang gusto kong makasama hanggang tumanda, at hindi si Jayme, kundi si Raji.
Napalingon ako kung saan naka-puwesto si Raji. He’s looking at me, forcing to show a smile. Pero, umiiyak. Ano yun, tears of joy? But there’s no sign of joy in his smile, not even in his eyes.
Raji, I wish you know about my feelings for you. I wish you know how much I love you, and it hurts me seeing you cry because of me.
I looked away, and focused my mind. I’m getting married. Kahit hindi ko naman mahal ang lalaking pakakasalan, still, I should be at least, cooperate. Marriage is sacred.
I looked at Jayme who’s in front, smiling to me. He’s kind, I know. But that’s not enough reason to be with him. Pero I am left with no choice to choose.
“Do you, Jayme Fernandez, accept Cierra Allejo, to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“I do, Father.” Jayme answered. He’s smiling at me, as if telling me that it’s all gonna be alright. But how?
“Do you, Cierra Allejo, accept Jayme Fernandez to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
“I...” I don’t know, is what I’m about to say.
“I...” Napalingon kaming lahat kung saan nanggaling ang malakas na tunog, na parang may nahulog or something.
Raji.
“Uh, pasensya na po. Nahulog yung cellphone ko sa bulsa.” Tumingin siya sa akin, at malungkot na Ngumiti. “Ituloy niyo na po, Father.”
“Cierra!” tawag ni mommy.
Tumingin ako sa pari, “I do, Father.”
______
Five years had passed... it's been five years since I heard of his marriage to a girl I haven't met. Hindi ko alam ang buong detalye kasi wala namang nagbibigay sa akin ng buong kwento, not even my parents whom he considered to be as his second parents.
After my marriage with Jayme, we left the Philippines and lived in the US. I haven't even said my proper goodbye to my best friend, to the man I truly love, to the man who owns my heart until now and forever.
It saddens me to know that he has now his own family. Unlike me, my marriage with Jayme didn't turned out well. Jayme told me that he only agreed to marry me because he doesn't want to get caught of being a gay. But after months of living together, we hid his secret from both our family since they are against of it. But, no secrets stays as secrets forever. Nalaman nang parents niya. He has been kicked out by his own family and now I heard he's living in Norway with his lover.
Five years without communication with Raji. And now, we're flying back to the Philippines with me knowing that there's no one waiting for me.
The flight attendant announced our landing at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport.
I cannot say I'm finally home because my home is not the place, it is inside the arms of the man I love. Raji is my home. But he is now a home of somebody else.
As we reached our house, we were greeted by our house helpers. Sila pa rin yung nandito simula nong umalis ako. I looked around, looking for that familiar face that I longed to see, but to my disappointment, he's nowhere to be found.
"Hinahanap mo ba si Raji?" Manang Loisa asked as I was about to pass by her.
"Napansin ko po kasi parang wala siya kanina."
"Wala na talaga siya, hija."
"What do you mean wala na talaga po?"
My heart is now starting to race. Ang sama ng laman ng isip ko, hindi naman sana tama ang hinala ko.
"Hindi nasabi nang magulang mo sayo ang nangyari?"
"Na ano po? Na kinasal na siya?" That's all I know about him.
"Oo, kinasal nga siya hija, pero hindi rin nagtagal yun eh. Kasi...kasi na-aksidente ang sinasakyan niyang eroplano, papunta sanang US."
W-what? No!! Pero bakit siya pupunta nang US? Is he going to see me? It hurts me more by thinking that he died because of me.
"Manang, how? Why would he...bakit...anong gagawin niya sa US?" I asked as tears were now starting to flow unstoppable.
"Hija, ang sabi sa akin nang asawa niya ay may pupuntahan daw siyang kaibigan na matagal na niyang hindi nakikita. Alam ko hija, alam ko ikaw ang kaibigan na tinutukoy niya."
"Manang, it's my fault..." tuluyan nang nanghina ang mga tuhod ko at napaupo na lamang ako sa sahig.
"Hindi hija. Wala kang kasalanan. Ginusto niyang puntahan ka. Wala namang nakaka-alam na may mangyayaring masama. At hindi mo kasalanan na sumabog ang eroplanong sinasakyan niya."
"Manang, how about...how about his family? Where are they now? I want to see them."
Manang told me everything that happened when I was away. She told me how broken Raji became. He was mesirable. But then, Samira came to make him back to his senses. Samira took care of Raji and eventually, Raji has grown feelings for Samira.
I am not planning to talked to them, Samira and their child. I am just going to have a look. Nandito ako ngayon sa isang subdivision kung saan sila nakatira. Ito yung subdivision na gustong-gusto na tirhan ni Raj, kasama ang pamilya niya, yun ang sabi niya noon.
Nakapasok ako dahil sinabi ko na kilala ako ng pamilya ni Raji. I just really wanted to see what kind of family he has left.
I stopped driving because I saw a little girl playing outside a green house which the guard exactly described the house of Raj. I am observing the girl intently, she has her father's feature. One look and you can already tell that she's Raji's daughter. Weird but I didn't even feel jealous of Samira and her child for having Raji in their life even for just a short time.
Nagulat ako nang biglang nadapa yung bata, kaya agad akong lumabas nang sasakyan para tulungan sya, this is the least I can do for Raji. To look after his child kahit hindi niya naman sinabi.
"Are you hurt, little girl?" I asked as I helped her stood up
My God! May sugat na yung tuhod niya. Dumudugo na.
Biglang may lumabas na isang babae mula sa loob nang bahay. And by look in her face, she's worrying for this little girl. She must be Samira.
"Cierra..." She shouted.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Yes, mommy?" The little girl also asked.
We both looked confused. The three of us actually. And there I realized that Raji named his child after me.
Raji...
T H E
E N D 🤍