I have come to believe that there are infinite passageways out of the shadows, infinite vehicles to transport us into the light.
I didn't want to make this decision. I couldn't. How could she ask something like that of me? It wasn't fair. Why couldn't there be a middle ground, why couldn't we just continue both of the paths we were on? I was capable of focusing on training for an hour or two without my feelings getting in the way.
In fact it would be so much easier to focus if I knew that we both had a mutual agreement about it. I didn't even know how to focus one hundred percent on the 'romantic' side of things. I was still all very new to this. This wasn't just breaking ground for being my first relationship, it was a double whammy: first relationship and first attraction to another girl in my life.
Well, I guess Capricorn wasn't really a girl per se, she was definitely more of a woman... but that was all apples and oranges. The point was, this was scary just as much as it was exciting. I'd never had these feelings about anyone, I'd never thought constantly about someone like I had thought about her now since last night. I'd never wanted someone to be around me just simply because their presence made me feel so happy.
So no. I wouldn't make that decision.
I finally turned over on my back so I wasn't smothering myself in the bed. I then realized the part of the bed I had flung myself on was her side. How fitting! Smothering myself with her side of the bed, much like I was smothering my mind with all of this about her. Ugh.
-
So much for being professional about all of this. How do years of professionalism all go down the drain in a matter of weeks? The Agency sure never taught about this stuff back in the day, probably because it should be common sense. Don't let emotions interfere with your mission. Emotions. Things like remorse, anger, and personal vendettas. That's what they meant. You know why they didn't mention love? Because that's fucking retarded, if I had asked that question I would have been dropped from the program immediately.
So instead, I swallowed all of my emotions and feelings and became the stoic warrior they wanted me to be. It had all worked out great until Grabenstein suggested we go after Weiss's daughter.
You know, I guess I'm not really being honest with myself if I don't say that I pretty much was instantly attracted to her in the physical sense from the moment we infiltrated her dad's mansion and I saw her for the first time.
Of course I had known that Weiss had a daughter when I used to work for him, but it was one of those things that was just kind of... there, you know? A fact that you recognized in your mind and didn't entertain any further.
Funny how things change. Now, I was driving nowhere, trying to stop thinking about that very same daughter. The one that I had stupidly offered to kiss last night, and confirmed my feelings that had been growing ever since the House.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I couldn't drive forever. I didn't even plan on going to the grocery store like I said I was going to, but then again I couldn't very well tell her I just needed to get away from her. That would have hurt her feelings probably.
Which... as a killer I shouldn't really care about at all, but nonetheless here we were.
I pulled over to the side of the dirt road I was on, amidst all the trees that shrouded this area. I lowered the mirror above me and looked at myself.
You need to turn around and go back, I told myself. You can't just run from her, she has no one else but you right now.
But going back and facing her would be so much different now. I'd been able to keep up the 'tough' visage long enough to get out of the house, but now it was fully broken down. I wanted to go back, but not for the reasons I should have. I wanted to just abandon this entire Grabenstein thing. Selena and I could go somewhere else far far away from all of this. Maybe to another country, I certainly had the money for it.
That was why I wanted to go back. To run away from this situation completely, but take her with me. Then we could be free to be whoever we wanted to be. Maybe we'd end up as friends when all was said and done, but that was fine too. I'd never had a friend like her that wasn't a fellow assassin, it would be a nice change of pace.
That wasn't what I wanted to happen, of course, but it was a possibility I'd have to deal with.
I put my mirror back up and pulled back onto the road, turning back around. Yes, that was what I would do. Go back and offer her a chance to leave all of this. Depending on how strong her feelings of revenge still were, that would ultimately decide all of this. If she still wanted to go through with it... so be it.
-
After I got tired of wallowing in self pity, I decided to eat some ice cream upstairs at the bar. A change of scenery would be nice. As I ate it, I looked out the window and saw how it was nice and sunny outside.
Maybe I'd move to the porch, it'd been awhile since I went outside. Capricorn had told me not to go outside, but she had only been gone for 20 minutes, usually it took over an hour for her to make it into town to go to the store and come back.
I could at least enjoy a solid 20-30 minutes of fresh air.
The rocking chair outside was nice and peaceful. I realized just how in the middle of nowhere this place was. I wasn't sure why Capricorn was so adamant about me not going outside, there was no one around for miles probably.
The air felt nice, and it was pretty warm too, I only wished that she or I owned something shorter than jeans or pants.
In my self despair, I'd come up with my decision for her too: I wasn't going to make a decision. I'd said it to myself before, but I was set on it now. It wasn't fair at all to make me make a choice like that, and I wouldn't.
I'd barely been outside for 10 minutes when I saw her car pulling up onto the stretch of driveway that led to the house. Oh shit. Why was she back so early?
I frantically got up and went in, hoping she didn't see me, but she probably did. She saw everything.
I don't know why I even bothered, but I attempted to make it look I'd been sitting at the bar the whole time. Although I now realized when I sat down I'd left the ice cream outside in it's bowl.
I heard her fidgeting with the door and prepared to get yelled at.
She entered, holding the bowl, and walked to the sink and put it in before turning to me.
"Hey, before you say anythin-" I tried to have the first word, but she cut me off.
"What did you decide?"
Wait a minute... She never said I had to make that decision by the time she got back, that was unfair.
"I thought you said to let you know when I made it."
"So you haven't?" She cocked her head.
I made a sour face. "Well... uhh, you weren't gone that long so... wait a second, you don't even have any bags. Did you even go to the store?"
"No." She answered plainly, then turned her back to me and began to wash my ice cream dish in the sink.
"You don't have to wash that, I can do it..."
I saw her nod her head slowly. "Yeah, and you're not supposed to be going outside, but you do it anyway, so I figured I'd make things even."
"I just wanted some fresh air..."
She dropped the bowl and it clattered in the sink. "I'm not the bad guy, Selena. I'm not trapping you inside, I'm saying it's for your safety."
"But you said no one knew where this place was." I interjected.
"You..." She shook her head and turned around to face me. She rested her hands on the counter on either side of her. "You don't get it, do you? We're dealing with someone just like me. I don't know where someone lives, I can find out eventually. So can Grabenstein. This place is not a permanent shelter, and that's with you staying inside like I told you. You go outside? All bets are off. Grabenstein has the ability to pinpoint mine or anyone's location eventually, just like I have the same capability. This whole plan isn't safe. But it's better than staying in my house, and you saw how long that lasted before he found me." She walked over to the bar directly in front of me.
"We don't have much more safe time here, is what I'm telling you. So yes, I agree I didn't give you a lot of time to make a decision, but sometimes we have even less time to make a decision. I didn't sit around for 30 minutes after your father got shot, debating whether or not I should take you with me. I made the best decision I could given the circumstances, I weighed the consequences and the outcomes immediately in my head. And for chrissakes if you wanna be like me, you're gonna have to learn to do the same."
Her words hurt me. It sounded like she was belittling me. This wasn't the same Capricorn as last night. I was confused and I didn't understand this sudden change.
"But..." She lifted her hands off the counter and folded her arms, "If you can't make a decision, then that's proof you're not cut out to be like me. And there's nothing wrong with that, I wouldn't choose this life again if I were given a choice. Do you know how much I have missed out on as a result? All the normal things people enjoy without some kind of ever present fear that they are being watched and monitored? Going on dates with people they like, going to places they like simply because it's fun? I can't do anything like that. Not with this life."
I swallowed and nodded. Why did I feel like she was unloading on me? She was jumping all over the place, was she even talking about the same thing we had talked about before she left, anymore? I didn't think so.
She sighed. "If we stay here, Selena... this is how it has to be. You have to make split second decisions that can change your whole life as a result, sometimes neither of the options end up well. That's how it goes. This isn't like the movies where you can do all these things normal people enjoy just because if anyone decides to fuck with you you can just beat them up and leave unscathed. This is real life. You live in the shadows, you deal with the shadows, and you embrace them."
"I...I don't..." I stammered. She was talking at a rapid pace and I wasn't catching everything, other than the general idea that she seemed to be strongly discouraging me from training with her.
She slammed her hand on the counter top, startling me. "That's what I mean, right there! Boom! You don't know, you can't even think straight? You think it's stressful right? Am I stressing you out? Because this is how you have to live all the time if you choose the life I have! And in that instant you can't make a decision, someone dies or you die yourself."
I started to hyperventilate, she was scaring me. I had never seen this side of her before. But... what was she suggesting then?
"So what, you want me to leave? I don't understand..."
"No!" She shouted, then hung her head and lowered her voice. "I'm sorry, that's not what I'm trying to say. If you can't make the decision I'm trying to help you make it. The positives of being like me are very few."
"Okay then, what's my other choice then?" I challenged her. I knew the second option from what she'd said earlier, but I wanted to hear her say it.
-
Admittedly, this hadn't gone as smoothly as I planned. I hadn't done anything but end up yelling at her since I'd been back, and I could see her eyes were fearful because of it. I didn't want that, but she needed to know how serious I was about this. I didn't want her to become like me. She had every opportunity in the world to be something different, why did she want to throw it all away like I had? It hurt me to see someone with such potential throwing in all the cards this early.
I knew she wasn't going to let the revenge thing go, so I improvised my response in the only way I could think of.
"The other choice is, you let me take care of Grabenstein myself. You don't go with me. And then once that's done we go somewhere else, that is if you want to go with me."
"Go... where?"
"Anywhere but here. Somewhere far away from all of this. Getting rid of him doesn't spell completely safety for you and I, still. Someone else will catch on, or might already know his plan and realize you're the only key to achieving it. You will never be safe staying here, not after all that's happened."
She hid her face in her hands for a moment and then removed them to look at me in the eyes. "I want to see him die, Capricorn. I will never be okay with knowing I didn't confirm he died for what he did to my father. I know my dad screwed you guys over, and I'm really sorry, but I didn't know about any of that. Regardless of how evil he may been behind closed doors, he was still my dad and I still loved him and I will always have a piece of me missing now that he's gone."
Had she really seen right through what I said? I never said I would kill him I had just said I'd take care of him. Did she catch on to that that fast? She was a lot smarter than I gave her credit for.
"That's not safe for you to go with me, Selena. I can't account for protection he might have, and I can't say he isn't expecting you to come back for him."
She shook her head. "He won't let me die, he still needs me."
"True, he won't let you die until he gets what he needs from you, which is quite simply a few signatures signing your father's company over to him. But I have no doubt he'd have you killed straight after, he has no attachment to you. You are a means to an end, that's it. And I couldn't... I couldn't let that happen to you."
I spoke the last words slowly, realizing the truth in them. She was completely innocent to this whole thing, and she was a wonderful, beautiful human being that deserved to live and go on however she wanted. I didn't know if I could ever go on, knowing I allowed her to walk into a trap that was ultimately predestined because of MY actions, and get her killed because of them.
"Then you'd protect me, wouldn't you?" She asked me. Her voice was weak and uncertain.
That was all it took for me to lose it: all the composure, all the realism, lose everything that was a neon sign saying this was a bad idea. Because she wanted this so bad, and I wanted her to have what she wanted. She deserved to have what she wanted. I could only hope at the end of it all that she also wanted me.
I walked around to the opposite side of the counter next to her and put one of my arms around her. "Of course I'd protect you."
She responded by throwing both of her arms around me and burying her head into my stomach. "Then... can we just do that then? I guess... it doesn't matter if I'm the one to do it. But I want to be there. And then... we can go somewhere far away from here. I'd want that, with you."
I closed my eyes tight, taking in her words, feeling her arms clenching me, thinking about what this would entail.
"I love you, Capricorn... I know it sounds sudden, but I think when you save someone's life it speeds those feelings up a little bit, don'tcha think?" I felt her nuzzle her head into my stomach. Her words were slightly muffled because of it.
Inside, my stomach was in knots at hearing her say that. Agency training be damned, years of soullessly doing my job be damned, I felt my heart for the first time.
"I agree." I was so overwhelmed it was all I could say.
-
I couldn't believe I'd just said those words. I'd told my dad I loved him, maybe even my mom when I was younger, but I'd never spoken those words to anyone besides family. So much for saying I hadn't made a decision like I planned.
This felt right, with her arms holding me and occasionally her hand brushing my hair. I don't know how long we stayed like this, but I reluctantly broke the embrace when she let go of me.
I'd been so wrapped up in the moment I hadn't paid attention to her answer to my confession. 'I agree.' What the hell did that mean?
"Wait, what do you agree with?"
"It probably speeds up feelings." She started to walk away, back to the sink.
"I'm serious, though! I do love you! So I guess that's my decision, since you wanted to know so badly. I will go with you to kill Grabenstein, and after it's done, we'll move somewhere else together away from all of this. Isn't that what you just suggested?"
For some reason she seemed incapable of looking at me now. I didn't care if she said she loved me too. I mean, it would feel really awesome if she did, but we were kind of on different playing fields with this whole thing, and I respected that. The fact she wanted to still keep me in her life was a good sign though, I thought.
Maybe one day she would say it. I could hold on to that hope.
"I don't think you really love me, but I'm flattered." Was all she responded.
I got up from my seat and went over to her. "Yes, I really do. I know what liking someone is, and this isn't just liking them. I didn't mean to make it sound like it was just because you saved my life. It's not. I see now looking back everything you did for me when you had to keep me a hostage, and you didn't have to do any of it."
She turned to me. "So then why besides that do you think you love me?"
I licked my lips and thought about my answer. "I think maybe because you believe in me. But not just that, you want the best for me. And I think the best for me, is someone like you. Someone that will drive me, someone that will tell me I can do anything and always believe in me, someone that will appreciate me and see potential where I can't. You've already done all of that."
She seemed speechless at this answer at first, but then she took my face in her hands and looked at me directly. "You are capable of more than I am, Selena. That's why I care so much. And that's why I want to still be a part of your life. I'd love to be the one that helps you get where you want to go, but I am okay with just being around to see it happen."
I got a sudden burst of confidence from out of nowhere. "I'm not okay with you just being there."
Her hands on my face didn't provide a lot of resistance, so I pushed forward against them and they fell off, allowing my lips to find hers. Her hands took a new position on the back of my neck as we kissed.
When I withdrew, I said, "I want you to be there with me, I don't want you to just be... around."
She smiled, and it looked like her face flushed. A stone cold professional killer, and I was watched her melt before my eyes.
"Then let's do it." She said, still all smiles.
"How soon? 'Cause I'm starting to like the idea of going somewhere far away." I asked her.
"Well, if I don't have to worry about training you, there's nothing stopping it from happening. We could go tomorrow and do it, to give you an idea."
-
I just threw out 'tomorrow' to illustrate my point that there wasn't really a time constraint on it. I didn't expect her to respond with:
"Let's go tomorrow, then."