BUCKY's POV
1514 words
I guess he was too dumb, and I guess he was too blind? I guess we were not meant to be then? Because if we were, he wouldn't had left like he did. He wouldn't had left at all. And ever since he did leave.. I have tried my hardest to move on.
But I have realized that you never really move on from your first love. Yeah, you heard right. Steve was my first love. I may not have admitted it right away but in the end, I did. But then it was too late.
Now I'm sitting alone in my apartment on the floor, because I haven't had the strength to move up to the couch- I hear something ringing but I'm too stuck in my own thoughts to care.
How am I suppose to be remotely okay without him? Without my Steve. How could I? He was the one who kept me alive for all those years of torture and brainwashing. He was the thought in the back of my head that I kept holding onto when I didn't had anything else left in life.
What is he now? He is a memory. That is what he is. Nothing more, nothing else. It is like he never were in my life to begin with. He is a part of my past now, like he never were a part of my present or even my future.
"Bucky?"
No. I can't keep doing this. Not again. I can't keep thinking about Steve like this. He left me, not the other way around. But did he leave because of me? Was I the reason?
"Bucky?!"
He will not come back, for me or anyone or anything because once again, he has found the love of his life and this time I think it is real. Because he left months ago and he has not come back ever since.
I know for a fact that my feelings for Steve are not as strong as they used to be and I am over him. Or so I keep telling myself.
"Bucky, can you hear me?"
I snap my head towards the voice, echoing through the one-single-room-apartment. My eyes lands on the apartment door laying on the floor, broken in several pieces, and then to Sam, standing beside it, or as I also know him as: Steve's best friend.
Sam hated me and I hated Sam and I don't think either of us have a good enough reason for why. But the truth is, ever since Steve left, Sam and I have started to tolerate and almost enjoy each other's presence on missions. Believe me when I say, it took time and a lot of effort but I have to admit; he is not horrible.
I also realized recently that Steve didn't just leave me. He also left Sam and here I have been sitting and moping over my best friend leaving me, when Sam lost just as much as I did. I'm pretty sure if Steve would have stayed, it would have been for Sam.
I suddenly feel a hand lightly rub my shoulder, making me tense and look up from my lap to see Sam sitting crouched in front of me, with a worried look on his face.
"You okay?"
"Y-yeah, of course"
"You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know.."
"Good, because I don't want you to feel like you have to keep your emotions inside when you're around me. You can just let it out and when you're ready to talk, I will be here, waiting for you"
By the time he is done, tears are streaming down my face, which is covered in dirt and dried blood from the last mission Sam and I went on.
"Hey, hey.. come here"
His voice is soft and so gentle, which only makes me sob harder. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve his love and I definitely don't deserve his worry. He shouldn't have to worry about someone as broken as me.
No one can fix me. Steve couldn't, so why would Sam be able to?
He reaches closer for my body, which would have made me pull away but I am too caught up in my own overwhelming emotions to care. It is when I feel his arms embrace my body as I tense up. But after a few seconds, I relax in his arms and dig my head into his chest.
"Shh, you're okay.. I got you, you're gonna be okay"
I think I just fell deeper than ever. And not as in 'fell deeper into my own sobs', No. I fell for him. For Sam. And I keep falling for him every second, every minute, every hour and every day, that goes by.
This makes me anxious because I don't know if he feels the same way about me as I do about him. I will just have to figure it out and ask him.. very subtle.
"Thank you"
"Of course, Bucky. I'm here for you, always"
"Are you?"
"Here for you? Of course I am"
"No.. are you waiting for me?"
"..I don't understa-"
"You said before that you'll be here, waiting for me. What did you mean by that?"
"That I would be, waiting for you- I don't understand what this is about-"
"So if I said that you didn't have to wait, that I didn't want you to wait, that I want- I want you now and forever.. Would you still be here.. for me, and with me?"
I look him in the eyes, searching for something but I don't know what. Maybe the answer, maybe some answers that will confirm that he, in fact feels the same. And that it is not just me making a fool out of myself.
"Wait- you want me.. as in 'want to be with me'?"
Oh no. He is hesitant, he doesn't feel the same. My face fall when I realize what I have done. I ruined the only real friendship I had with anyone- well, except the friendship Steve and I had. Although it is not really a friendship if they feel attracted to one another, is it?
And they were suppose to be together, and they actually were that at one point, and one of them were, and still are, ready to ask the other one to marry them.
How could I have been so stupid? No one wants to be with me. I don't blame them. Why would they want to be with a broken ex-assassin with a full bag of mental issues from the time being brainwashed and used as a human slave and weapon?
No one wants that. And deep down, I always knew that but I kept hoping Steve was different. Then, I kept hoping Sam was too but he is just like everybody else.
"I'm sorry, I- I need to go"
"Wait.. Bucky! Please, talk to me!!"
I don't hear him, not anymore. I don't hear anything, except for my heavy breathings and the fast beatings in my chest. I try to collect myself, I try to make it all stop. The high and trembling sounds are ringing in my ears. But everything I try, fail and so do I.
I stumble and collapse onto the staircase of the apartment building. I bite the inside of my cheeks to prevent me from yelling out in pain. I bring my flesh hand to the back of my head, where the pain is oozing from.
I feel- something wet? My eyes widen and I beg for it to be water or dirt or something else that were already there before I collapsed on the floor. Let it be anything other than what I already know it is.
I shakily bring my hand in sight. Blood. My hand is drenched in red liquid. I want to scream but I can't. I want to cry but I can't. I want to yell for help- but then I remember, there is no one there to help me.
I can't do anything other than dropping my hand to the floor and slowly let the darkness come over me but before I do that. Before I give up, I say the last sentences I have always wanted to say:
"I'm sorry for leaving you, Sam. You deserves better anyway, better than me"
"I'm sorry for disappointing you, Steve. I wish I was strong, like you"
I repeat those sentences over and over and over again, until there is no air left in my lungs. Until there is no strength left in my heart.
I let go myself.
For the first time, I actually do something for me, not for him, not for Sam, not for them, not for anyone. I do this for myself. I do this to end the constant pain I'm feeling.
Or should I say, the constant pain I felt.
THE END
or is it?
this is so dramatic omfg-
well, what's done is done
love,
bella