Harry's POV
TW: Pregnancy. *This chapter talks about heavy topics such as loss of a child and the impact and aftermath of it so if that's something you don't feel comfortable reading you can skip the chapter! Feel free to dm us and we can summarise for you if need be. Love you all!*
I can't wait to marry my Ally baby.
Every time I see that ring on her finger, I feel butterflies erupt in my stomach. The fact that she's going to be my wife is still something that's hard to comprehend, I can't believe I went from having a silly mindless crush on her to this.
Truthfully speaking, I don't think I ever saw myself getting married. Maybe it was the lack of people who came into my life, only to leave shortly after, or maybe it was me thinking that I was unable to be loved in a way where marriage felt like an option.
But that all changed when I met Ally.
My sweet Ally, she came into my world and flipped it upside down without even realizing it. She showed me what it feels like to be loved by someone, to feel that care, that warmth, from another person. I feel important when I'm around her, I feel like I matter and I finally love myself, stutter and all.
Maybe that's why it took me so long to propose to her, because I never understood what I was feeling. I love her so much, I know that I do, but I can't help but to be insecure about myself sometimes. It became hard for me to grasp the reality that someone loves me the same way I love them. But not more though, there's no way Ally loves me more than I love her. Impossible.
My Ally is so incredible to me. She's made me believe over the years that I was worthy of that type of love, I feel it in the way she treats me, the way she talks to me and dotes on me. She cares for me like no one ever has and I suddenly felt those tiny cracks of sadness I had being filled by the overpowering love she has for me.
I'm so happy that I did propose to her because there truly is no one else in this world that I'd wanna spend my life with. She really helped me to bring out a new version of myself, one that isn't afraid of being who I am. I can never repay her for it.
Every day has been a day closer to our wedding and we've both been ecstatic and over the moon about it. Wedding planning with Ally these last few months has been easy. We've chosen basically everything together and luckily we had the same ideas in mind. We only had one real and very hurtful argument between the two of us, the worst fight we'd ever had, and that was surrounding the topic of her parents.
Ally never told them we got engaged, and whether they knew about it or not from another source was still a mystery to us. They've made Ally cry more times than I can count and they're most definitely not parental figures to her in the slightest, but I still think they deserve to know that she's getting married. She's their daughter at the end of the day and although they most certainly are not at the top of my 'favourite people' list, they gave me my pretty girl. They gave me my future wife.
"I don't want to fucking talk to them Harry. Leave it." She had snapped at me, throwing her plate into the sink so hard that I thought she broke it. I quickly got up and followed her into our room, silently watching as she stripped down to her underwear before grabbing a sweater of mine to haul over her head. I'll never get tired of seeing her in my clothes.
"Ally-" I had tried to say, only to be silenced. "Shut it Harry. I mean it. I don't want to talk about it anymore so please just leave me alone." She sighed, turning towards the bathroom. I couldn't just let her be when she was like this. Despite her words, I followed her, not missing the tired sigh that left her mouth.
"They're y-your parents A-Ally," I said quietly, treading lightly. "They d-deserve to know t-that you're-" I watched as she threw her toothbrush into the sink as she glared at me through the mirror. "They don't deserve anything," she spat out, "I don't have parents as far as I'm concerned. Why do you even want me to talk to them so badly anyways? They hate you Harry, and they hate me too. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. They'll never accept our relationship for what it is and as long as they're around, they'll always try to sabotage us. Why are you so adamant on making me do something I don't want to fucking do?"
I ran my hands over my face as I watched her in the mirror, her eyes were watery as she continued on brushing her teeth, ignoring me. "We all n-need our p-parents whether or n-not we w-want to admit i-it." She spit the last little bit of her toothpaste into the sink and swivelled around, anger written all over her face. "I don't need them and I never did." She deadpanned, arms crossed over her chest. I hate when Ally gets like this, she's like a brick wall and nothing can get through to her.
"Is that w-what you're g-gonna say to o-our kids!?" I yelled, having had enough of her shortness. "A-Are you gonna tell t-them that they d-don't need their p-parents? That they're b-better off without u-us? Are y-you gonna let them leave u-us just as easily?"
Ally's head tilted at my outburst before the tears started to fall down her cheeks. I hated seeing her cry, no matter the circumstance. "What? You think I'm gonna be that horrible of a mother that I'm gonna abandon our kids like mine did to me? That I'm going to push our kids away from us? Is that what you think?" She asked quietly, head casted down towards her feet, arms crossed over her stomach. "You think I'm gonna be just like them, don't you?"
Of course I don't, I never did. I've always known she'll be an amazing mum and I have no doubt that she'll love our kids unconditionally. I just don't want her to bring this mentality into our parenthood. I don't want her rocky relationship with her parents to affect our relationship with our kids. I think she needs to talk to them and settle it all before we move further into our relationship. I'd feel better if she did that and I really think she would too.
"Why are you even marrying me then?" She suddenly asked, lifting her head up to let me see her bloodshot eyes and quivering lips. I read her eyes easily though, and it wasn't hard to tell that she was livid. "You think I'm going to be a bad mother?" She snapped, stalking over to me and pushing my chest, making me flatten against the wall behind me. "You think I'm going to be just as fucking cruel?"
"I- n-no, that's n-not what I—"
"Let's talk about you then, and your missing father." She spat out, making the blood drain from my face. "We've been together for what, six years? And you've never once mentioned what happened with him. What was it, hm? C'mon Harry, tell me. You seem to love to get involved in my relationship with my parents so let me return the favour."
The look in Ally's eyes scared me, it wasn't a soft blue anymore. It was cold. It was cold and void of all emotions.
"I've never once questioned you about him," she continued, "because I knew you'd tell me when you were ready but yet here we are, six years later and not a fucking peep. You know everything about me and my family and yet I know nothing about yours. Why is that? Why haven't you told me anything about him? Scared that you're gonna be just like him?"
"I'll n-never be l-l-like him." I immediately replied, feeling my heart pound in my chest. I hated this, I hated how this somehow turned into something much more serious and deadly than it needed to be. I could tell that Ally was too far gone to stop now, I had set her off by accidentally comparing her to her mother and there was no return in sight.
I knew that all of this was coming out of anger. She was spitting things out at me and she didn't grasp just how harsh she was being because of that anger. She was also scared of the things she was saying, her underlying insecurities peeping out.
I turned to walk out of the bathroom feeling too confined in there with her, my head a fucking mess. "C'mon Harry, don't be shy," she cruelly taunted, knowing she was getting under my skin. "We know my mother is a bitch so I guess that means I'll be one too, yeah? So do I have to worry about you leaving me and the kids one night?"
I let out a sigh and turned around to face her, taking in her tear-soaked cheeks which contradicted her dark eyes. "Ally, e-e-enough. S-Stop it." I said, tired over this fight. I knew we were just gonna say shit we didn't mean if we kept it up, this whole thing spiralled and forced us to approach dangerous territory.
"You don't get to do that." She spat, "you don't get to say that it's enough when you're the one who stuck your nose into my relationship with my parents. I've been open with you about them from the very beginning, but I will always have the final say when it comes to how I interact with them. You're not allowed to make me feel like shit for that. You can't do that to me, Harry."
I ran my hands through my long hair, pulling at the ends. The tears hadn't stopped falling down her cheeks as she yelled, her arms still crossed over her stomach as if to comfort herself. "I just d-don't want you to b-bring this mentality over into our relationship w-when we do have k-kids. I want yo—"
"What the fuck are you trying to say Harry?" She asked, exhaustion laced in her features. "I've always thought I'd be a good mom because I know what not to do, I know to do the exact opposite of what my parents did to me," she cried, dropping her head, "I don't know what you want from me. I'm not telling them about our engagement or our wedding but you go right ahead and tell your father, wherever the hell he is."
The mention of my father made me tense and Ally was quick to catch it. "It hurts that you won't tell me you know," she continued, "we've been together for six years Harry, why won't you tell me anything at all? Even just telling me if he's dead or alive, that's all I fucking ask of you."
I gnawed on my lip, not knowing what to do next. I hadn't talked about my dad in years and I wasn't sure if I could do it again. "Y-You're asking a l-lot from me Ally I do-" a frustrated yell left her mouth as she paced around the room, her hands tugging at her hair just like I was earlier, we're so similar. "Cut the shit Harry. You're so insufferable sometimes it makes me want to scream," she ranted, her eyes meeting mine. "Why can't you just give me anything? Even something small? For fucks sake Harry, we're getting married, I'm going to be your wife and the apparent bitch of a mother to our kids. Just talk to me, Harry."
"This is fucking h-hard for me Ally, why d-don't you understand that!?" I yelled hating her persistence, but I guess it was just a taste of my own medicine. "It's not l-like you're asking me about my f-favourite ice cream flavour. I can't j-just talk about it like t-that. Fuck, A-Ally." I huffed, pacing around the room in frustration.
"But I'm not just some stranger Harry, I'm your fiancée!" She yelled back, anger burning in her eyes. "I'm your partner of six years. I like to think I've been patient with you but it's running thin now and you can't blame me for that. I don't need the entire story, just give me something, anything. It bothers me that you feel like you can't share things like that with me."
I couldn't do what she was asking of me at that very moment, not when I was as heated and upset as I was. I couldn't give her what she wanted and I knew that meant trouble. "I-I.....I c-can't."
"Was it your stutter?" She asked, making me freeze. "N-No." I whispered, but Ally could tell I wasn't telling the full truth. "Liar." She spat out, coming over to jab my chest with her finger. "He hated it, didn't he? Made fun of you for it? So if we're going by your logic, you're gonna do the exact same to our kids if they develop one? Gonna mock them and shit too? Do you realize how stupid your logic is?" I could feel my hands shaking by my side as I listened to her complete and utter bullshit. It made me want to cry that we somehow got this far into the argument. "Y-You're talking c-complete and utter s-shit. S-Stop it Ally. Let's j-just go to b-bed, I don't w-want to fight a-anymore."
"No, you started this." She said, wiping her eyes with my sweater, "you're so adamant that I talk to my parents when you won't even tell me what happened to your own dad. I know it had something to do with your stutter. What was it, hm?"
I went to try and move past her but she grabbed onto my arm, forcing me to still. As I peered down at her all I saw was sadness, anger, and fear. "You're not walking away from this, we're going to settle this all now." She seethed as she pulled my arm, making me be in front of her again. "Fucking tell me something about him Harry, we're not going to bed until you do. My patience is long gone."
"Ally, p-please. That's enough. Let i-it go." I begged, shaking my arm out from her hold to move past her and into the closet. I stripped down to my boxers, I needed to be away from her for a minute, we needed to cool down. "I'm not letting it go," she scoffed, "this has been a long time coming Harry. There's no pictures of him at your house and he has never once been brought up in conversation by your mom or Raya. I don't think they've ever even mentioned his na—"
"Enough!" I yelled, throwing my balled up clothes on the ground. My hands went into fists at her words, I couldn't stand to hear her talk about him anymore. "That's fucking e-enough Ally. I mean it. Cut i-it out. E-Enough."
"E-Enou-" she quietly began to mock before immediately sucking in a breath, making me go completely rigid. She's never once mocked me or done anything to make me feel inferior because of my stutter. She's always been so supportive and acts like it's not even there, that it's just a part of me. I can't say that anymore.
I felt a tear fall down my cheek as I turned to look at her, seeing her white as a sheet with her mouth parted in shock. "I didn't mean that," she quickly said, tears flowing down her face. "Harry bab—"
I ran past her and into the bathroom, locking myself in there and ignoring her bangs on the door and the jiggling of the handle. "Harry please," she cried, "I didn't mean t-that. Please open the door. Please, I'm sorry. I'm so s-sorry. Baby...."
I stayed silent as I dropped down onto the floor, resting my back against the wall as I registered what happened this last little bit, wondering how our talk had escalated into something like this. I could hear her crying on the other side of the door and I heard the thud of her slumping against it as she tried to get through to me. "You know I don't care about your stutter, it's just a part of you," she whispered, "I'm sorry I did that. I was just really fucking upset, and I know that's not an excuse but it's the honest truth." She told me, her voice thick and wobbly, "I was upset and I wanted to hurt you like you had hurt me. It's childish but it's true Harry, I wanted you to hurt."
I knew she was telling the truth but it didn't make it hurt any less. I didn't like that she used my impediment as a weapon against me, I didn't like it at all. She's the one person in this world outside of my family that I feel completely safe and comfortable around. I don't have to worry about how much I stutter around her, or what she thinks about it. She's always made it so clear to me that it was just another part of me, something she didn't even notice anymore. I felt the tears rush down my face as I realized she did the one thing I never thought she would. This hurt way more than any of the words she spat at me tonight.
"I love you," she cried through the door, "I really fucking love you. I-I'm sorry Harry baby, I hate myself for doing that and I can't believe I resorted to that. Please, just....just let me know you're listening. A knock on the door or even you telling me to fuck off, just anything. I'm sorry Harry. I l-love you."
I didn't respond. Instead, I just listened to her cry against the door, mumbling my name for what felt like hours. Every cry broke my heart but I couldn't find it in me to talk or move a single muscle. I just felt defeated.
She had a point though, I knew everything about her family and I've never once shared anything about mine. I knew that, but it was just hard. I knew it was hard for her to tell me some things that she has but she did it because she loves me and trusts me. She's so much stronger than me.
I was in the wrong too, I shouldn't have pushed her to do something like that, especially when it's her choice if she wants to tell her parents. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what I want or what I think she should do in terms of that. She knows them better and if she is choosing to not tell them, I can't be the one to force her. I need to respect that.
I hated that we were having this fight. It was stupid and not like us at all. We never fought, it was just something that never happened because we were so good to each other and so good with each other. So where did this come from? I couldn't understand how it got that bad that quickly.
I had a hard time grasping my emotions with it all. I didn't know how to feel about it. I felt sad and I felt hurt but I didn't want to feel like that. With my Ally baby I always wanted to feel happy, that's how we were. Happy and content and so fucking safe, so in love with each other.
After what felt like hours of just wallowing in sadness on the bathroom floor, I eventually got up off the floor and brushed my teeth before slowly opening the door, only to see Ally curled up into a ball on the ground in front of it, fast asleep. Her hair was a mess and I could tell her eyes were swollen, making my heart clench. I sighed as I bent down to pick her up, I couldn't leave her on the floor no matter how upset I was with her.
I put her into bed before I crawled in behind her, braiding a piece of her hair. I knew she was awake now based on the rigidness of her body but I made no move to touch her skin. "My d-dad is a bit o-older than m-my mum and has PTSD f-from the military." I started, focusing on the braid in my hand. "H-He was a d-drill sergeant at home and I w-was a bit d-delayed in talking and s-stuff compared to o-other kids which m-made him upset. I developed a s-stutter because of him, b-because he scared me and I c-couldn't speak properly and it just t-turned into me fumbling over e-every other word. It's w-why I focused so h-hard in school, I didn't want t-to get behind and d-disappoint him even more. My old speech t-therapist thought I had some e-emotional trauma which manifested i-itself into a stutter but I n-never looked into it. He w-was just as hard on my m-mother too, but then o-one day I came h-home from school and he just w-wasn't there. He left a n-note saying he c-couldn't handle what a b-big disappointment I w-was and how much he h-hated us so he left. He didn't k-know my mum was pregnant with Raya."
I could hear Ally's breathing pick up but she made no moves to turn around or even move a single inch. "I've n-never brought him up because I hate him. I hate who h-he was and w-what he did to me. I'm glad Raya never met him." I told her, finishing the braid and dropping it onto the pillow. "I'm s-sorry for being pushy and I want to m-make it clear that I d-don't think you're gonna b-be like your mum, I know you'd n-never do anything c-close to what she d-did to you, to your o-own kids."
It was silent for a moment before Ally slowly turned around to lay facing me, her cheeks wet again with tears. "I'm sorry too. My worst fear is to become like her and your words made me think just that and it scared me a lot. I'm so sorry for mocking you too, I don't have an excuse Harry but I'm just really fucking sorry, it was the lowest of low. I promise to never do it again no matter how mad I get at you, I should have never done that and I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me soon." She cried, chin wobbling and breathing uneven. "Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm sorry about your dad but I'm glad he left. You're much better off without him, he's missing out on seeing you become such a lovely person."
She went to touch my cheek but she stopped herself, sniffling as she pulled her hand back and away from me, tucking it into her chest. "I want you to sleep here tonight, I'll go to the spare bedroom. I think I need to give you space. I love you Harry, please don't forget that." She said to me, quickly kissing my cheek before running out of the room, not letting me object to her separation from me. She's told me she loves me countless times, but I had yet to say it back.
I think deep inside, I was still trying to forgive her for what she did even though I knew she didn't mean it. I was finally loving myself and accepting that this was who I am these past few years, and to hear the person I trusted the most bring it down in two seconds just hurt so bad. I know she did it to hurt me though, she meant to hurt me with it even if she didn't actually want to.
I laid in bed for what felt like hours yet again before I couldn't take it anymore. I tossed and turned, sticking to my side of the bed because it didn't feel right to not have her here with me. I'd gotten so used to her warmth and her touch that sleeping without it felt so wrong. I needed my Ally baby.
I shot out of bed and opened the door, only to see the guest bedroom door opening as well, Ally walking out of it. "Couldn't sleep?" I asked her, earning a small smile and a shake of the head. "Me n-neither," I added, leaning against the doorframe and softly smiling at her. "Come to bed w-with me Ally baby," I said softly, holding my hand out for her. I heard her let out a quiet cry at the feeling of her hand in mine as I dragged her into the bedroom, getting comfortable under the covers with her and making sure she was facing me.
"I love you." I told her, feeling like shit for not saying it earlier. Ally let out a deep breath before snuggling into my chest, pressing a kiss to it before turning around to make me the big spoon. "I love you too, so much. I'm so sorry." We fell asleep that night and slept in late the next morning. I called in sick to work, knowing that Ally and I needed the day to come back from whatever the hell happened the night before but it didn't really help.
That fight was only a week ago but it feels as though every day after that has just been so shitty. I got the job that I missed Ally's birthday for, and although I do love it, these last few days have just been brutal.
Zayn, my boss, is great. He's so kind to me and he's answered any questions I have, all the while not acknowledging my stutter which was all I could ask for. Everyone at work makes me feel normal and I love it, but that didn't matter when we were all stressed to the max.
It's nearing the end of the month which is always the worst time for us at work. It hasn't been helpful for my mood when I get home, especially when I have to bring work home with me. Our place feels tense right now. I forgave Ally for the mocking, I know it was a hurtful and childish thing to do but she's never done that before in the last six years so I know it truly was just a heat of the moment incident. Despite all of that though I don't think she quite knows I forgave her yet.
She's been walking on eggshells around me and catering to my every need, all the while keeping her distance. Last night, she accidentally dropped her bowl of grapes while I was doing some extra work at the bartop, and she profusely apologized to me for making extra noise, almost on the verge of tears — as if she thought I was going to blow up on her.
I don't know why she's acting like I'm some atomic bomb that's about to go off, but it's making me weary to do things that we always normally do together. We used to almost always shower together in the morning, but now we haven't done that in over a week. We used to always cook dinner together while laughing and talking and messing around, but now it's done in silence. I haven't even touched her properly in a long while, never mind sex.
I miss her strawberry lips.
I still hold her when we sleep but she always curls into me, unusual for her but I've let it slide — I'll take anything I can get from her recently. I always feel her moving throughout the night too. I know she's not sleeping well but I don't know how to help her. It feels as if we're different people right now and it's as if we're drifting apart and no longer Harry baby and Ally baby.
I hate it.
She's my Ally baby, my pretty girl. Nothing has changed, so why does it feel like it has?
It seems as if that stupid fucking fight over her parents has just boiled over and led us to where we are now — awkward and not ourselves. Even after dinner, we both make our way to the couch in silence with Ally sitting far away from me as one of us silently flips through the channels until we land on something we know the other person will like. It's frustrating because neither of us know what's happening nor how to fix it. Neither of us want to make the first move to fix it.
This morning I heard her crying in the shower and I swore my heart shattered on the spot. I had to hold myself back from barging into the bathroom and consoling her. Instead, I knocked softly on the door, hearing her sniffle. "Ally, y-you okay?" I had asked, hearing her throat clearing before she answered. "Yeah, I'm okay Harry," she said huskily, telling me she was anything but okay. "A-Ally...." I said, only for her to snap. "I said I'm fine, Harry. You need to leave now or you'll be late for work. I'll see you tonight."
I didn't fight her on her refusal to talk and instead did what she asked and left for work. If everything was normal I would have fought to stay and made my way into the bathroom, making sure she was okay before even thinking about leaving her. But nothing has been normal in our house recently, nothing has been normal with us.
We should have been celebrating us getting engaged. We should have been living in blissful happiness, counting down the days and making changes to our wedding, choosing decorations and relishing in the fact that we were getting married. But we weren't. There was none of that. No one was counting down the days even though we were getting closer and closer to our wedding day, and absolutely no one was happy right now. I hated it.
I couldn't handle it anymore. I became so used to our perfect lifestyle, I loved talking to her and listening to her tell me about her days, her interviews, her adventures. I could sit in her presence as she told me anything and everything and I'd never get tired of it. I just wanted it all back so I decided to make the first move.
I made the decision to leave work early today, I can't focus on anything right now and my mind is just one big mess. I told Zayn I had a doctor's appointment before quickly fleeing from the office. I knew Ally wouldn't be home yet — I remembered she had a job interview today. She probably thought I forgot.
I park the car in our complex but I make no move to get out. I peer over at the empty passenger seat and feel my eyes water. That side of the car used to smell like her all the time, and now her scent has slowly faded away into nothingness. Her lingering scent is now something I crave to smell.
I don't know how to fix this, she won't talk to me and I don't want to push like I did when I brought up her parents, that ended disastrously. I think we both are trying to be cautious around each other resulting in this awkwardness. We both want this to be over but we're too scared to approach one another in nervousness about how the other will react. I know I am.
I just want us to go back to the way we were. Excited and happy, sharing and talking to each other about all the things in this world. I just miss her so much, I miss us.
As I walk into our apartment, I notice Ally's shoes still at the front door, striking me as odd. She shouldn't be home from her interview yet, at least not for another hour. I drop my bag by the door and kick my shoes off before making my way into the bedroom, seeing our bathroom door closed but hearing the shower running. I know she's not okay, and it's killing me not fully knowing why.
I let out a sigh and go into our other bathroom off the living room. We hardly use it, it's more so for guests, but I don't feel like interrupting Ally right now and I don't think she'd want that anyways.
As I enter the bathroom, I take a piss and wash my hands before looking at myself in the mirror. The bags under my eyes are so prominent that even my glasses can't hide them and my hair is a mess — I need to cut it all off soon. I've got tired eyes and a weathered look to my face and the sight of it makes a lone tear fall down my cheek. I'm just so tired.
I lean over and grab some toilet paper to dry my eyes but a long package in the trash captures my attention. I'm quick to grab it and my eyes widen when I realize what it is, a wrapper for a pregnancy test.
Holy shit.
My mind begins to swirl with thoughts. Thoughts of Ally being pregnant, thoughts of her carrying our child, thoughts of us having a little mini-me run around this place. All of these happy thoughts suddenly begin to overpower all of the negative thoughts I've been having all week — they've suddenly become irrelevant and are shoved to the back of my mind, completely unimportant to me now.
Maybe this is what we needed. Maybe we needed this little ball of sunshine that's half me and half Ally to come into our lives and save us from whatever the hell is going on right now. It scares me, the thought of being a dad, but I can't say it doesn't excite me as well. I know I won't be like my father, just like Ally won't be like her mum. She'll be the best mum in the world, I already know she'll do anything for our kid. My Ally baby will be the best parent.
I feel myself smile down at the wrapper as I take in what this may mean, the first genuine smile I've had in a while. If Ally really is pregnant then I need to go and see her right now, I need her to tell me what's going on. I quickly run into our bedroom and I no longer hear the sound of the shower anymore. I don't waste any time barging into our steam-filled bathroom, seeing Ally standing in front of the mirror in just my t-shirt, drowning her.
She immediately notices my big smile before she takes note of the wrapper in my hand and freezes. Her face goes as white as a sheet as she stares long and hard at the wrapper, her hands balled into fists. She suddenly storms past me and out of the bathroom, into our bedroom where she begins to mindlessly make the already made up bed.
"You're p-pregnant?" I ask her in disbelief, "I-y-you- we're going t-to have a b-baby?"
Ally stays silent, ignoring my words as she mindlessly runs around the room trying to tidy up every little thing. I watch as she straightens her jewelry box and turns the lamp on my nightstand just a little more to the left — anything to avoid me. "Ally," I call out, watching her fiddle with her engagement ring as she stands on the other side of the bed.
She refuses to catch my eyes as she attempts to run past me and into our closet but I grab her arm, having had enough of the silence — we've been living in that for too long recently. "Talk t-to me please," I whisper, pulling her back to stand in front of me. "Are w-we having a baby? Are we g-gonna be p-parents?"
I bring my hand up to grasp her chin, something I haven't done in a long while — I've missed touching her like this. I tilt her head up to see her eyes glazed over in tears, lips wobbling. She stares into my eyes for a moment before suddenly ripping herself away from me, stalking towards the bathroom yet again.
"A-Ally enough!" I call out, frustrated with her lack of communication. "I k-know this week has b-been weird but you n-need to talk to me a-about things like this." I huff, taking in how harshly she's brushing her wet hair. She avoids my eyes yet again through the mirror, making the anger rise up in me. "A-Answer me! Are y-you pregnant? Yes or no?"
Her brush strokes slow down as water spills over the edge of her lash line. I watch her set the brush down in defeat as she lifts her head up to catch my eyes in the mirror. Her expression catches me off guard and it's one I've never seen before, one of mourning.
"I was," she whispers, "I....I was pregnant."
I feel the blood drain from my face as Ally begins to sob, throwing the brush into the sink before leaning on the counter, covering her face with her hands. My feet feel glued to the floor as I watch my pretty girl cry, gut-wrenching sobs escaping past her lips which twist the already sunken knife even further into my chest.
It's like the words aren't even real. The past tense, her use of the word 'was', it's all breaking my heart and tearing it up into tiny little pieces — ones that can't be put back together because they're so shredded. It's impossible to make out that it was even a heart in the first place.
She was pregnant....there was a time she was pregnant with our baby....and now she's not. My mind immediately tortures me with thoughts of Ally and I with a baby — our pregnancy journey and little moments I'd make sure to document. Our first ultrasound, finding out the gender, decorating the nursery, laughing at Ally's pregnancy cravings, massaging her sore and swollen feet and so much more.
It makes sense now, her cautiousness around me. Why she's been trying to do things for me so much this past week, why she's kept her distance from me....why she's been acting so completely off. What hurts the most is the realization as to why she slept curling into my chest, which is something she never did before. We've always spooned, but if we did that then I'd have my arm resting over her, my hand landing on her stomach.
Seeing Ally so distraught like this makes me upset. My eyes water at the sight of her like this. She looks so broken. I hate that she went through this last week alone, that I couldn't be there to comfort her or hold her to me, letting her bury herself into my chest and just cry. I should have been there, she needed me the most during it all and I wasn't there.
I don't even notice when a tear starts falling out of my eye and trailing down my cheek at the words she just spoke to me. This can't be real, it's so painful and it hurts so bad. Ally lets out a choked sob again, hiccuping with how much she's crying and I'm quick to reach up and wipe away my tears.
I snap out of my thoughts and quickly move towards Ally but my hands only barely touch her shoulders before she jumps away from me, head snapping up to look at me. Her bloodshot eyes, red nose, and splotchy cheeks break my heart, seeing my pretty girl cry like this will never not be painful. "Why are you st-still here?" She asks in disbelief, "I lost our baby, why aren't you mad?"
My head tilts at her question. Why would I be mad? Why wouldn't I be here?
"Baby...w-what?" I quietly say to her, stepping even closer. She looks at me with bloodshot eyes, continuous tears rimming her waterline, and I hate that she thinks that what she just told me means I'm going to love her any less. "Just tell me the truth Harry. Tell me you don't love me anymore and that you hate me for it." She chokes out and I immediately shake my head at her, shocked at how she could even think that way about me.
"No Ally, I-I could never hate you. Not n-now, not ever. Please let me t-touch you." I say, practically begging the words out. I put the wrapper in the cabinet above us, needing it out of our sight. I need to be close to her right now, I need to hold her to me and tell her that everything will be okay. I need to tell her that we'll be alright.
"Don't lie to me." She whispers, sliding down to the floor so she sits with her back against the cabinet, her face resting in her arms on top of her knees. I quickly kneel down in front of her, throwing all caution to the back of my mind so I can soothe her.
My hand touches her arm and it feels like electricity shoots through me, I haven't felt this in so long and I almost wanna cry again at how it feels. There's so much going on at once that I feel overwhelmed. I should be happy that I'm finally talking to Ally and touching her again but the situation that it's all happening in is terrible. We shouldn't be going through this, we don't deserve it.
"Ally...." I quietly say, rubbing my hands over her arms and hearing the way she cries into them. "Oh, b-baby." I murmur, prying her hands away from her legs and bringing them down so she's forced to look up at me. Her cheeks are flushed and streaky, but she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever known. "C'mere."
She stares at me for a moment and I nod at her, sitting myself on the ground fully in front of her. She sniffles once, reaching the back of her hand up to her eyes to wipe away the tears before she's launching herself into my arms, throwing me back momentarily and making me have to catch myself.
My legs splay out in front of me as she sits in my lap, legs wrapped around my waist. Her face tucks itself into my neck and my one arm loops around her back, the other reaching up to cradle her head into me. "It's o-okay, baby, we'll be alright. Everything's gonna b-be fine." I mumble into her ear, turning my head to the side so I can reach it properly.
I bring a hand up to move my glasses to the top of my head, allowing me to wipe my eyes properly before bringing them back down over my face. I brush my fingers through her hair, rocking the two of us while we sit here on the bathroom floor. "I love you. I l-love you so fucking much, I c-could never e-ever hate you, you hear m-me?" I quietly say and she cries even harder into my neck, soaking it with tears completely.
"Harry." She cries out. Her voice is muffled but I can still tell just how painful it is. She tightens her arms around my neck and tangles her fingers in my hair, fisting the strands in desperation to feel me. I feel that same desperation too. My hand smooths over her back as my other one continues to cradle the back of her head, keeping her as close to me as I can.
"T-The baby's gone, they're gone and I'm sorry." She whimpers and I feel my heart break at her words. The baby's gone. All I can do in this moment is hold her to me and hope that my touch does something for her, anything.
"Why a-are you sorry? It's not y-your fault, none of t-this is." I whisper into her ear and she pulls herself away from me, staring up at my face. I brush away her tears and muster up a small smile, as if to reassure her that my words are true and that I mean them with everything in me. "You mean that?" She asks me quietly, insecurely almost, and I lean down to press my lips to her forehead, mumbling against it. "Every w-word."
"I won't be able to get past this without you Harry, please don't leave me." She begs, wiping her cheeks. "I know I've been distant but I was scared you'd hate me or be angry. I l-lost our baby, I wasn't strong enough to keep them alive and I'm so—"
"S-Stop that." I interrupt. I can't take hearing her talk so negatively about herself like that. My Ally is the complete opposite to how she just described herself. She's so strong, so fucking strong. "I love y-you," I sniffle, "I need you t-to know that and that I-I'm never leaving you. Don't apologize for c-coping like that b-babe, you never h-have to apologize for t-that."
I reluctantly pull away from her and stand up, pulling her with me so we can walk out of the bathroom and head towards our room. As soon as we enter the bedroom Ally breaks down into tears again, immediately making me hold her and pick her up. She clings to me tightly as she soaks my neck in her tears, my own silently streaming down my cheeks.
I shut all the lights off and lay her in bed, using my thumbs to wipe under her swollen eyes. I press a kiss to her forehead before racing around to my side to hop in beside her, pulling her in close to me. The two of us lay in bed, facing each other. My hand comes up to tuck some of her damp hair behind her ears, a small smile gracing my lips as her eyes flutter shut at my touch.
"I knew I was pregnant when we fought," she tells me, eyes still closed. "It's why I got so defensive," she emptily laughs, "I actually had a baby in me and you were freaking me out even more. I got into my head thinking I was gonna be a terrible mother. It wasn't just a thought anymore, it was a reality."
My heart clenches, her words hitting like daggers. It makes me regret the fight even more than I already do. "W-When did- uh, when d-d-did—"
"The morning after." She says, opening her red, swollen eyes to look at me. "I went to the bathroom when you were still asleep and I saw the b-blood and just knew. I've seen enough medical shows to know that that wasn't good." Her hands shake between us so I'm quick to grab them. "I just sat there and let the miscarriage happen, feeling whatever our b-baby was composed of just flush right out of me into the toilet."
I bring her hands up to my mouth as a shaky breath leaves it. I don't know how she did that all alone, my Ally baby is so strong. "Y-You should have woken m-me up. I hate that y-you did that alone A-Ally."
I move my hands to cup her cheeks as her body trembles on the bed. She just looks at me with such a sad expression, her eyes dropping down to the silent tears that race down my cheeks. I hate that I wasn't there for her, I hate that she went through that all alone.
"I feel like such a fucking failure. My body is supposed to be built for this, why won't it just do its job? D-Did I do something wrong? What's wrong with me?" She cries, fisting my shirt in my hands. "I just want to be enough for you but if I can't even give you something my body was created for then what do I do?"
I move closer to her, tangling my legs with hers. None of this is her fault. "Nothing's w-wrong with you Ally baby, it just w-wasn't our time, okay? We c-can go to the doctor's if y-you're really worried. I love you no matter w-what the future holds. Kids or no kids. We've got o-options, yeah?" I whisper, bringing her head to mine so I could kiss her forehead, "I love you, p-pretty girl. You're so i-incredibly strong."
I lean down to finally connect our lips in a meaningful kiss, something the two of us haven't done for a long while now. Her clumped lashes meet my own and I taste our tears on my lips, making my heart break even more.
My heart hurts. It honestly aches. It hurts for her, for me, for us. I can't even grasp all of this because it was the last thing I was expecting. I came home today in hopes that I would talk to Ally and we'd sort everything out so we could be okay again. I was never expecting something as big as this.
I hate that she had to go through it all alone. She needed me and I needed to be there for her. Instead, we were fighting, something we never did, something that wasn't us. It really couldn't have been easy for her, not when she has no one other than me to be there for her.
"I love you o-okay?" I say to her, holding her body closer to mine. "I'm sorry, I s-should have been there for you, I should have b-been there with you while you w-went through that. You shouldn't have been alone." She only snuggles herself closer to me, inhaling my scent before sniffling against me. "It's okay, Harry baby. You're here now."
"I a-am." I reply back to her and we stay like this, holding each other for so long before eventually drifting off into sleep, something that's been impossible for the last week and especially something that the both of us have missed.
We drift off into a sleep of exhaustion, praying that tomorrow is a bit easier for the both of us, praying that we'll be alright in the end.
~~~~
It's been two weeks since Ally told me about the miscarriage and it's gotten a little bit easier for us, but not by much.
I went to the office the next morning to talk to Zayn. I told him I needed to work from home for the next little bit, and he luckily had no problem with that once I explained our situation. "Take the next few days off," he had told me, "and send my condolences to Ally too. I'm sorry Harry." I almost cried on the spot at how nice he was — I'm still not used to people being like that with me. I quickly packed my desk up and sped home, hoping Ally hadn't awoken yet, which she hadn't.
Now that I know what's been going on, she's been a bit better with me. She's been open with her feelings, especially knowing that I'm not angry or upset with her in the slightest. She still cries every night, but it's less and less as the weeks go on. I wish I could take the pain away from her, I'd gladly endure it all for her if I could.
She doesn't want to go to the doctor's yet because she's scared. She keeps thinking negatively and believes that they're just gonna tell her that her worst nightmare is true, that she can't have kids. I keep telling her that there's also a possible bright side, that maybe this miscarriage was just a fluke and that it means nothing for future pregnancies but she won't listen to me — she's always been stubborn like that.
I made the executive decision to put our wedding planning on hold for now, knowing that we both didn't have the energy to think about it while dealing with this. Neither of us were excited for it right now either.
Our friends have been incredibly supportive too. Kyle and Khloe dropped some dinner off for us a few nights in a row knowing that we didn't feel like cooking, and last night Heath and Lydia dropped off some fries and milkshakes, along with some of Ally and mine's favourite snacks — but not before giving us both long hugs.
Tris and Sophie even dropped by too. I had confided in Tris about what had happened, needing a second outlet. I knew Ally was talking to Khloe and Lydia so I turned to Tris and Heath — my only other friends who knew the both of us.
Ally wanted to go home for a few days too, and by home she meant my house. I had no problem with that so we quickly packed our bags and fled back home. She needed a mum, she needed the warmth and comfort of a mothers touch — one that my mum could easily provide. The last time I saw my mum really cry like she had with Ally, was when my dad left. She's always been emotional, shedding a few tears here and there, but it's been a long time since I'd seen her as upset as she was when Ally told her what had happened.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house as Ally explained her story. I held Raya close to me on the love seat as my mum held Ally close to her on the couch, rubbing her hands over Ally's arms and back. "I'm sorry Harry, I love you." Raya mumbled to me, kissing my wet cheek. I just squeezed her tighter and pressed a long kiss to the top of her head.
I ended up taking Raya out for dinner to give my mum and Ally some alone time, but not before giving her a long hug. "I love y-you pretty girl. I'm j-just a phone call a-away." I had told her, letting go of the hug to give her a kiss on the lips, not caring that my mum and Raya were standing beside us. Ally needed me, that trumps any feeling of awkwardness or anxiety I felt.
I have no idea what they talked about, but Ally was in a significantly better mood by the time I returned back with her favourite oatmeal cookies and milkshakes for all of us. The sight of her actually laughing along to something Raya said that night made me smile, my Ally finally felt some happiness.
We stayed at my mum's for a few days, lounging around the house and just hanging out with my family. It felt nice to do so, to take a break from our busy city life and just relax a bit. On our last night there, I was in the kitchen making Ally and I some late night waffles when my mum came in, stopping to rest against the counter.
"I had a miscarriage too you know, before Raya."
My eyes widened at the new information and I took the waffles out of the maker before making my way over to my mum. "It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and your father wasn't much help," she emptily laughed, and I reached my hand out to squeeze her own. "Ally is lucky to have you, Harry, and she knows it too. Be gentle with her, she's confused and sad and overwhelmed, it's a lot to process."
I immediately nodded. I always knew mum was strong, she pretty much raised me and Raya on her own. "But how are you doing, baby? I know you're focused on Ally but she's not the only one who lost the baby. Have you taken time for yourself? I worry about you, you can tell me anything honey."
My mum's words made everything hit me like a truck and I broke down right there in my childhood kitchen, my mum hugging me like I was a fragile and scared little boy. "Shhh, mum's got you baby it's okay," she cooed in my ear, her hand tracing circles on my back like she used to do when I was a kid. I gripped onto her tighter, soaking her neck in my tears.
"I h-hadn't really t-thought about having kids y-yet but I've always k-known that I w-wanted to have them t-them with A-Ally." I cried, "a-and I know s-she wasn't t-too far a-along and I d-d-didn't even know about i-it but it still h-hurts. We h-had a baby."
My mum hugged me tightly, picking up on my extra stutters. "I know Harry. Your chance to be a father was stripped away from you during this specific pregnancy. You don't have to try and explain yourself, you can be as sad as you want. You had a baby and you lost it, it hurts darling."
I refused to let my mum go, needing her to comfort me. I thought I was doing okay with it all but clearly I was just lying to myself.
"I keep t-torturing myself. W-Wondering what they would l-look like — if they would t-take after me or A-Ally more. If they'd h-have a stutter like me, if t-they would have curly o-or straight hair, b-blue or green e-eyes, terrible e-eyesight or not....I just t-think about it all and m-make myself sad." I confessed, spilling everything to my mum.
I heard her sniffle into my chest as I held her close, crying my eyes out. I went to continue speaking before footsteps interrupted us and I lifted my head up to see that it was Ally, dressed in my sweater and silently crying. "Harry baby," she whispered, immediately making me drop my arms from around my mum and race over to her, picking her up and holding her tight to me as I cried.
I think I needed that outlet. It took a few weeks to come to terms with how I was feeling about all of this, and I was heartbroken. I talked to Ally that night, just finally succumbing to my feelings and hugging her, crying as I let myself feel all the emotions of it all, and I realized that I was feeling pain.
I didn't think it would hurt this bad, missing something we never really had. Ally said she was just over a month and a bit along when she found out, only to lose the baby a week later. It's a weird feeling, mourning something you didn't even know existed, but now it feels like a gaping wound because I keep thinking about what could have been.
I kept torturing myself with thoughts of what life would be like right now if we hadn't lost the baby, if we were still pregnant. How happy we would be, how excited we would be, how incredibly nervous we would be....so many emotions that are the complete opposite as to how we both feel right now.
It was terrible. It was excruciating and it just felt like it was never going to get better, but being with Ally and letting her hold me like I did to her for the last few weeks helped a lot. I never wanted to do anything without her again and in that moment I realized just how badly I actually needed her.
Now, the both of us are in our own bed, curled up against one another after feasting on some more fries and milkshakes I ordered, the 'H + A'. It's been silent as we lay here, me fiddling with her engagement ring as she traces the butterfly on my bare chest — just finding comfort in one another.
That's another thing I've been struggling with, I feel like I'm not doing enough for Ally. I know I'll never understand what she's going through so that just makes it that much harder to try and help her. I'm not sure what else I can do other than to just be there for her, to coddle her and whisper sweet nothings to. I feel like a terrible fiancée for not knowing how to cater to her.
I tried looking it up online but reading everyone's stories just made me more upset so I quickly exited the tabs and slammed my laptop close, frustrated beyond belief.
"You o-okay Ally baby? Want some water o-or anything?" I quietly ask her, peering up to see her already looking at me. She's got bags under her eyes but they don't take away from the bright blue colour of them. I've always loved her eyes, they're such a pretty teal blue and one I've never really seen before. Raya loves them too, saying they're much prettier than her brown ones but I disagree. Raya's eyes are just as pretty, I've got a soft spot for brown eyes because of her.
"I'm good baby, thank you," she whispers back, darting forward to kiss my butterfly tattoo. "I wanna do something with you though," she adds, making me go rigid. She hasn't asked me for anything these last few weeks. "I want to take a shower—" she traces her fingers up my chest before gracing them along my jaw, "—with you."
My jaw slackens as I take in her words, letting them sink in. We haven't showered together in weeks, and the idea hasn't even crossed my mind to do so recently. I can't say I don't want to though, I want to feel her skin on mine, I crave that closeness. I miss being like that with my pretty girl, I just miss her.
"Are y-you sure?" I ask her, dropping her hand so I can cradle her cheek. My eyes flutter shut as I feel her fingers ghost over my cheek and I almost whimper at the feeling — it's been way too long. "Yes pretty boy, I miss our showers. I want some normalcy."
I dart forward to give her a soft kiss before sitting up in bed and hauling her into my lap, making her shriek. I hear a tiny bout of laughter leave her lips and it's enough for me to crack a wide smile, it's been a long time since I've heard that pretty, melodic sound.
I'm quick to pick her up as I stand, smiling to myself as I feel her legs wrap around me during our short trek to the bathroom. My right hand cradles the back of her head as I feel her nuzzle into my neck, her lips lightly puckering there. I squeeze her tight to me before I set her down on the counter, stepping back so I can turn the shower on.
When I turn back around to face her I see her already stripped of my shirt, sitting on the counter in just her underwear, arms crossed over her stomach and lips held hostage between her teeth. I'm quick to match her nakedness and take my sweats and glasses off, leaving me in just my boxers.
I slowly approach her and grab her arms, gently unfolding them away from her stomach. Her breath hitches as her stomach becomes bare to me and I waste no time bending down to kiss her stomach as I clasp our hands together, hearing her shudder above me. "I love you," I tell her, pressing one more kiss to her stomach before gently kissing my way up her chest and neck, planting one last kiss to her cheek before pulling away. She squeezes my hands in hers as she slides off the counter, tears glazing over her eyes. "I love you too baby, more than you know."
I kiss her forehead before crouching down to pull her underwear down, helping her step out of them before I discard them to the side. I go to thumb the band of my boxers but Ally's hands come to cover mine, halting my movements. She gives me a shy look and nudges my hands to the side, urging me to let her do this. Steam begins to fill the bathroom as she drags my boxers down my legs, undressing me. This was something so normal and common for us but it now feels brand new — feels like we're doing it for the first time.
It's nerve wracking and scary, but it's exciting all the same. The only difference between now and the first time is that I don't have to feel like that with her because we've been through so much together, she's my safe space. I can trust her.
I step out of my boxers and kick them to the side where the rest of our clothes lay, taking in how fucking strong my Ally is. Unreal. I grab her hand in mine and give it a squeeze as I guide us into the shower, sighing as the hot water rains down on us, matting our hair to our skin.
I watch Ally as she quietly stands under the water, her eyes shut and just feeling the water run over her body. I'm hesitant to reach out and touch her but I do it anyway, resting my hand on her hip and pulling her closer to me, just wanting to feel her pressed into my body.
"Are you o-okay?" I ask her quietly, my voice being drowned out by the sound of the water pelting down on the floor. I don't really know what okay means in this situation because I know she isn't okay, neither am I, but any positive verbal answer from her will make me feel a lot better.
"Not really, no. But I will be, we both will be eventually. I'm fine now that I'm with you." She murmurs quietly into my chest, hugging herself to me. I want to cry at how vulnerable she sounds, I hate it, it hurts so much.
My Ally is never like this. The both of us together....we're lively, we're free and we're fun. She brings out that side of me with her amazing and bubbly personality. I hate that that part of her is gone now, even if it's just temporarily.
I lean down and press a soft kiss onto her wet hair before pulling away from her and grabbing the shampoo that smells like her, one that I've been using too much these last few weeks to keep her close to me even when we were fighting.
I silently wash her hair, massaging the shampoo in and watching myself create a foamy mess atop her head. Ally does the same, reaching up to spread the shampoo into my own hair as well. I close my eyes at the feeling of her fingers threading through my hair, it's been too long since we've done this, and I've just missed her so fucking much. "This is nice," Ally comments, bringing her hands down between us as she finishes. My own hands move down to grip her hips, my thumb gently running over her tattoo. "Yeah, it is. I've m-missed us being like this."
Ally smiles before she bends down to grab our body wash, some mango one she made me buy for the two of us. She takes her time lathering my body, letting her hands roam free and cover every inch of my skin, heating it up more than the water does. Once she finishes, I take the bottle from her and lather my hands in it, shakily bringing them to her body.
I take my time covering her body. Starting with her legs, I slowly work my way up to her stomach, where I feel her tense. I flick my eyes up to meet her sad ones and I'm quick to move over the area quickly, leaving a few kisses behind but moving fast for Ally's sake. I cheekily squeeze her breasts before moving onto her arms and down her back, loving how normal this feels. I drop my hands down to her ass to give it a squeeze which just makes Ally laugh before pushing my chest away, a giggle emitting from her lips.
I steal a kiss from her lips before we wash out our shampoo, repeating the process with conditioner. Once we've washed that out as well, I go to turn the shower off but Ally stops me, her grip tight on my wrist. "Can we stay in here a bit longer? It's just- I like how I feel right now, I don't want to lose that feeling just yet." I immediately drop my hand from the nozzle and bring her into my chest, her back flush against me. "Of course. Whatever you w-want."
I hold her to me for the next little bit, letting the water rain down on us as she rests her head against my chest. I lean down to pepper kisses over her coconut-smelling head, my arms resting across her chest. I know she can feel how hard I am against her ass, but it's just a bodily reaction. I can't help but to want her all the time, she's so pretty. We both know sex is out of the question for a little while, which is more than okay with me, but my dick has a mind of its own — one I can't control.
Every shift Ally makes against me forces me to bite my lip, stopping the groan that so badly wants to escape past my lips. The temperature of the shower and the feeling of Ally's naked body against mine doesn't make it any easier to control the twitching of my dick and I know she can feel it, which makes me feel guilty in some way. I don't want her to think I want sex or anything right now, I don't want her to think that this is me trying to hint at it — it's just my body's reaction to her, separate from our situation and my thoughts in my mind.
My jaw slackens as I feel her grind back against me, and although it feels good, I know we can't do what she wants. "Ally...." I mumble, concern laced in my voice, "we c-can't." It's not a good idea in the slightest, I know she knows that but her mind is also a mess, it's up to me to stop it. "I know," she whispers, her voice barely carrying over the sound of the running water, "but I just miss you." She swivels around in my hold, hands coming up to rest on my butterfly. "Can you touch me please? I need something. Please, give me an escape, even if it's just for a little bit."
She presses a kiss to my butterfly before turning back around, making her back become flush against my chest. She brings my hands down to rest on her hips, interlocking our fingers overtop of her warm skin. "I know you want me completely Harry, and I want you like that too but I just can't right now and I hope yo—"
"Hey." I interrupt, squeezing her hands in mine. "You don't need t-to explain yourself. Sex can be o-on the back burner for h-however long you want it to be. Y-You're in control, pretty girl." I feel her let out a breath, as if she was holding it in. "Thank you," she says, "but just because I can't have you like that right now, doesn't mean I don't want you in other ways so please Harry, touch me. I need that release. Make me feel again."
I hesitate for a second and she notices, pushing herself further back against me, letting me feel her completely against my wet skin and I can't help but to groan out softly, pushing my hips against her ass. "Please Harry?" She asks and I can feel myself falter, not having touched her in what feels like forever. "Okay." I breathe out quietly, shifting my hand so it splays out over her stomach.
She tenses at my touch there so I'm quick to move it up her chest. Her skin feels so soft under my fingertips so I take my time exploring her body, running it up to her tits and brushing over her nipples that are hardened. I pinch one of them between my fingers and her head falls back to rest on my shoulder, a small moan escaping her lips.
Her eyes stay shut as I duck down to press my lips to the crook of her neck, darting my tongue out to flick it over her skin and sucking softly, drawing blood to the surface. "Missed t-this so much, missed y-you."
Ally's breathing begins to increase and her hand comes up to cover my own before she trails it down, moving it closer to her center. "Go on." She says and my fingers brush over her clit, making her gasp as she shifts her hips back even more into me.
I'm trying to keep it slow between us because I'd hate to do something that she doesn't want or doesn't need right now. I slowly pinch her clit between my fingers before rubbing circles onto it and she just breathes out against my neck, her face turned into it.
"Keep going Harry." She moans out and I grunt quietly, jerking my hips against her backside. I begin to grind myself against her ass, needing to relieve some tension in me. I know we aren't going to have sex and that's okay, I didn't think we were even going to do something like this. My Ally baby always surprises me.
"God, y-you're so fucking wet, b-baby." I groan, collecting some arousal on my fingers and bringing them up to my mouth to suck on them. My tongue laps it up over my fingers and I moan out with my fingers still in my mouth, my chin coming to rest on her shoulder. "I've m-missed the taste of you, pretty girl. So s-sweet."
I turn my head and litter short kisses onto her neck, trailing them over her jaw and up to her cheek, softly kissing her there as my fingers continue to move over her. "Harry," she breathes out, squirming against my body and moving her ass against me. "Please, I need you."
The temperature of this shower only increases our desperation for one another. The steamed up glass walls and beads of sweat mixing in with droplets of water only make this all the more intense. I'm quick to slip two fingers inside of her and a loud moan leaves her lips as she arches her back against me. My other hand moves to hold her up and I cup her jaw, turning it towards me so I can press my lips to hers, engulfing her moans into my mouth.
"You like t-that?" I mumble against her mouth, pulsating my fingers in and out of her and she whimpers, quickly nodding her head which makes me smile. I'm so fucking turned on so I quickly let go of her face, moving my hand down my body to my hard cock which is desperate for some kind of touch.
I wrap my hand around myself, collecting the pre-cum before moving it up to her lips which are parted, short breaths leaving them. "Open." I mutter, and she's quick to do so, letting me slip my thumb into her mouth. She groans around my thumb as I move my fingers faster inside of her, curling them to hit the spot that always has her trembling. Her tongue moves quickly over my thumb before she bites down on it, letting it pop out of her mouth.
Her lips glisten as she does and I'm so mesmerized by them I lean down and kiss her again, so eager to just feel every inch of her under my lips. "You d-drive me fucking crazy you know t-that? I can't live without y-you, I never want to. No more f-fighting, please?" I mutter and she nods, a quiet cry leaving her lips as my fingers move in and out of her.
I quicken my pace, fingering her as my other hand continues to work myself. I know I don't need to do a lot before I'll be coming. The water rains down my back, warming my already heated skin.
"No more fighting." She breathes out, reaching her hand back to tangle her fingers in my hair and yank me closer to her. "I'm sorry, fuck- I'm sorry." She cries out and I can tell she's reaching her end soon from how her breathing changes. We've both been depriving ourselves of a release for weeks now, I knew we wouldn't last long.
"I'm s-sorry too." I mumble into her neck, letting go of my dick to press it against her ass again, holding her up. My hand plays with her nipples, pinching and flicking them and her moans are incessant, never ceasing, but they're the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.
"A-Are you close baby? I've missed y-you so much. Missed the way y-your body melts into mine, and missed touching y-you like this. I love h-hearing you moan out my name, c'mon b-baby. I love you."
I feel her clench around my fingers at my words, and a smile comes to rest on my lips at the fact that I can read her body so easily. "Do it a-again." I groan out and she clenches around me again before I'm adding another finger in and curling all three of them into her, making her gasp at the intensity of it.
I grind myself faster against her ass, the friction overwhelming me in the best way. My fingers curl harder into her as I use my thumb to nudge her clit, my mouth marking her neck. "I love you," I mumble, feeling the water temperature begin to decrease from how long we've been in here. I feel her body tense against mine, legs beginning to tremble. "I love you too," she replies, tilting her head further to give me more access. My left hand trails up to cup her breast as I move my hand faster, feeling her jerk against me.
"Harry," she moans, making me smirk into her neck. Her hands leave my hair and come down to rest on my thighs, her nails slightly digging into my skin. "C'mon A-Ally baby, you can come. I've g-got you, I always got you." I furiously work my fingers harder against her and crane my neck to be able to see her face as she begins to let go. Her pouty, parted lips, wired eyes, and flushed face is a sight for sore eyes. It's been a while since I've seen her like this, and I've missed this pretty sight so much.
I push my dick harder against her ass, thrusting against it as Ally lets go, her legs trembling. I drop my hand from her breast to wrap around her waist to keep her upright and flush against me. I continue to move my hips fast against her backside and feel the pressure within me begin to boil over. "Come on me Harry," Ally pants, clenching down hard around my fingers, "coat my skin with your cum."
I bite down onto her shoulder as she clamps down around my fingers again, pushing back against me which triggers my release. I grunt into her shoulder and still against her. Ally soaks my hand as she comes, her body shaking against mine. Goosebumps arise on my skin at the feeling as I let myself come onto her lower back and ass, coating it like she wanted me to.
"Fuck, b-baby," I grit out, bringing my hand around to grip my cock, stroking myself as I finish. I continue to slowly move my fingers inside Ally as she comes down, nudging her clit which makes her jerk against me. Our legs shake against one another and as the water turns cold now, we both quietly chuckle.
I pull my fingers out and clean them with my mouth as Ally shakily turns around. I move us so she stands beneath the cold water, laughing as she shrieks. I clean her backside of my cum and she quickly leans up to press a kiss against my lips, humming into it. "Thank you," she murmurs against them, "I love you."
I peck her lips one last time before I hastily wash myself off, feeling tired from our little escapade. "I-I love you too," I tell her, pinching her cheek as I shut the water off. I reach out the shower door to grab our towels, wrapping Ally up in her favourite fluffy one before drying my hair out and wrapping it around my waist. "You look like a wet dog," she comments, laughing at my long, wet strands of hair. I playfully shake my head in front of her, letting out a "woof" to which she just shoves my shoulder, forcing me out of the shower.
As soon as we're both out, I haul her up over my shoulder making a loud laugh leave her lips. The sound of it makes me smile so hard my cheeks hurt, I haven't heard that in weeks. I lightly pat her bum before setting her down on the counter, putting my glasses on before dropping down to grab our toothbrushes and toothpaste. We quickly brush our teeth before Ally goes to grab the hairbrush. "Crouch for me, pretty boy," she says softly, making me do as she says and crouch between her parted legs.
I run my hands along her thighs and under her towel as she brushes out my long hair, detangling the knots she created in the shower. This feels domestic, this feels normal, this feels like us. "Are you going to chop it all off soon?" She asks, spraying some hair product that she always does. I shrug as I stand tall and grab the brush from her to begin brushing her hair, "I think so. Maybe for our w-wedding. What d-do you think?"
Ally goes rigid at my words, making me freeze, the brush still in her hair. She looks up at me with teary eyes and I instantly drop the brush onto the countertop, my hands cupping her face in urgency. "You still wanna marry me? After everything that's happened?"
I breathe out a light laugh, shaking my head. "Of course I d-do my silly, pretty, g-girl. Can't get rid of me that q-quickly." I tease, making her grin.
She giggles, wrapping her arms around my waist and burying her face into my chest, inhaling my scent. I press a kiss to the top of her head before she pulls back and allows me to finish brushing her hair.
I know we still need to talk about what happened between us, it's been weeks since our fight but we've been so consumed with grief after Ally's miscarriage that we put it on the back burner. Nothing is really resolved and the apologies we both said to each other don't mean anything unless we talk about it.
"C'mon, lets g-go to bed baby." I whisper to her, grabbing her hand to steer her into the room. I sit her on the bed and quickly pull out a shirt of my own for her and some underwear, before dressing myself and walking towards her to help her get dressed.
I pull her towel away from her and throw it on the floor, ignoring the scowl she's giving me. "Hands u-up." I quietly say, and she only stares up at me as I flash her a soft smile. I put my shirt and her underwear on her and she just stays quiet, but I know she's really nervous from the look on her face. I rub my thumb under her lips and shake my head at her, hoping that it'll reassure her a little bit. "It's okay." I mumble out.
I make my way to my side of the bed and take my glasses off before getting in. As I lay down in bed I notice her still silently sitting on the edge, craning her head to look at me. I wrap my hand around her wrist and tug on it slightly, pulling her to lay down beside me. "Why are you n-nervous babe? It's just me." I say the same words she's always said to me whenever I get nervous around her.
She turns her body so her face rests in the crook of my neck, her arms wrapping around my waist as she hugs herself into my body. "I know......I'm just sorry for everything, especially about our fight." I swallow tightly before I pull her away from me so I can look at her face properly. It's like she read my mind, wanting to talk about the fight as much as I did.
I cup her cheeks in my hands, brushing her hair away from it before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, smiling at her. "I'm s-sorry too. I realize that w-we both fucked up and said things we d-didn't mean and for that I'm s-sorry."
"I shouldn't have p-pushed you about your parents, that wasn't fair of me to do." I continue. "At t-the end of the day it's y-your choice if you want a relationship with them and I-I never meant to imply that you were going to be a b-bad mother because y-you won't be. I know t-that for a fact."
She lets out a deep breath, shaking her head at me and shutting her eyes for a brief moment as she takes in my words. "I know Harry, I overreacted and I know now that that isn't what you meant, you'd never do anything to hurt me on purpose. I'm sorry for being mean, I'm sorry for making you feel bad about your stutter. It was coming out in anger and I know that doesn't excuse what I did but I really hope you can find it in you to forgive me." I smile at her rambling, staring at her with a soft look on my face as she tries to avoid my eyes. I forgave her a while ago, I just needed to let her know that.
"Hey," I cut her off, hooking my fingers under her chin and forcing her to look at me. "I f-forgave you weeks ago baby. I didn't l-like what you did, but I know it w-was a heat of the moment thing." I tell her, leaning forward to kiss her nose. "'M kinda g-glad you fucked u-up like that though, you w-were too perfect. It's nice t-to know you're human." I joke, making her eyes roll.
I feel Ally's hand come up to rest on my cheek, her palm immediately warming my skin. "We're gonna be okay, right? I think I'm ready to go to the doctor's, but I need you there with me. I can't do this alone, Harry. I need you. I need my pretty boy." I take in her soft yet scared features, making my heart clench. I hate that she's feeling so scared, I wish I knew what was going on in that pretty little head of hers.
I duck forwards to kiss her sweet lips, slightly smiling as I feel them mesh against mine. My hand grips her waist as I tug her closer to me, needing to feel her body heat. I pull back from the kiss with a small pant before I take her hand off my cheek and kiss her engagement ring, catching the blush that taints her cheek.
"We're gonna be m-more than fine Ally baby. We'll go whenever you're ready, o-okay? I'm not l-leaving you alone, you can't get rid of m-me that fast. I need m-my pretty girl too." I say softly before tugging her into my chest, wrapping her up in a big hug. I kiss the top of her head as I feel her relax against me, sinking into my warmth.
These last few weeks have been a mess. It feels like we've been to hell and back more than once. We've yelled, we've cried, we've laughed, and we've screamed, our emotions fluctuating by the hour. But it's okay, because at the end of the day I've got my Ally baby curled up in my arms, just like she has been for the last six years, and that's all that matters to me.
"Ally b-baby and Harry baby till the end." I quietly say, tightening my hold on her. "Ally baby and Harry baby till the end," she repeats, pressing a kiss onto my chest.
Author's Note: Don't hate us for this one, so sorry it hurt </3
Next one will be much lighter though, we promise!!
Love you all, take care of yourselves <3
A & S