Chapter Thirty-Nine: She Knows
The four of them met in a small coffee-shop in town, called Chaos Café, an ironic name, given how neat it was. White walls, bland artwork structurally spaced around the whole room, a black bench running across one wall behind square tables and cushioned chairs on the other side of them. There were potted plants in the windows and naked lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling. They sat outside, given how hot it was, in the cobbled street, small shops all around, all of them drinking something cool and refreshing, except Jisoo, who had a cup of tea. How she could do it in this heat, Jeongguk couldn't understand.
At first, Hoseok and Jisoo did most of the talking, catching up, and meanwhile, Jeongguk listened, piecing together the puzzle of who this Jisoo really was. This was what he had found out so far: she owned a dog (it was big, white, and fluffy––and it demanded all her attention); she loved tea and always drank it in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon; and she worked in a bookstore, but she was currently working towards starting her own publishing house. There was a calmness to her, a sophistication––she seemed to have everything together, but she was also sweet, friendly, and she smiled a lot. She was gorgeous too, now wearing a black sundress with a square neck, tight around the waist. On the bridge of her nose sat black sunglasses and she had a white cloth tied around her neck.
Jeongguk didn't know what to do with his hands. He was playing with his flask of lemonade, spinning it around on the table, picking it up, looking at it, taking a sip, and then putting it back down, rolling it between his hands. When he caught Taehyung's subtle gaze, he stopped and put his hands in his lap, and tried to focus on the conversation at hand, which was Hoseok's inevitable departure to the States.
"So, when are you leaving?" Jisoo said, as she held her tea up, right below her face, waiting to take a sip.
"Next Friday."
Jisoo blinked. "That's only a week from now."
Hoseok nodded and Jisoo placed the teacup down on the table, startled. "You're leaving in a week?"
Hoseok pursed his lips. He then nodded again, slowly.
"No," she said, in disbelief. "That's so soon."
"I know ..."
"Have you started packing?"
Taehyung laughed.
"What?" Jisoo turned to look at him. "Why are you laughing?"
He laughed again. "You just remind me of someone," he said and Jeongguk felt himself stiffen.
"Jisoo," Hoseok said, giving her an incredulous look. "I'm leaving a week, and you want me to start packing already?"
Jisoo returned the look. "Yes, already. You're leaving for at least a year, Hope."
"I can pack for that in a day."
"No, you can't."
"I'd rather hang out with my friends."
Jisoo hesitated for a moment, seemingly about to object. Then she gave in. "Okay. You're right. But call me when you need help."
Hoseok snorted. "When? Have a little more faith in me."
Jisoo just eyed him.
"I'm the same as you," Taehyung said, leaning back in his chair. "Leave everything to the last minute. And then I'm in a panic, and suddenly I can't find anything––so I usually end up forgetting something." Jisoo gave Hoseok a knowing look, while Taehyung turned to Jeongguk and placed a hand on his shoulder. "He, however, is not. He's always ready." His hand lingered, and he squeezed slightly. Then, he drew it away.
"As he should be," Jisoo beamed him a smile, then she turned back to Hoseok, maybe to continue lecturing him on the importance of being prepared. Jeongguk wasn't really listening. He was hyper-aware of everything, of Taehyung, of his own discomfort, of how his hand had felt on his shoulder, of the stiffness in his legs. Everything. He placed his hands on top of his thighs and squeezed slightly to relieve the tension. It helped a little.
Now, Jisoo was placing her hand on top of Hoseok's. "I'm going to miss you," she said.
Jisoo eyes were sincere, and her gaze was strong––and it seemed a little too much for Hoseok. He shook his head, pursing his lips, trying to hold it together. "Stop it," he said, his voice warm.
"It's only the truth."
"Jisoo. You're going to make me cry."
Jeongguk would miss Hoseok too. And he wanted to say it out loud, wanted to let him know what these past few weeks meant to him, but there was a tightness around his throat and by his jaw, and he couldn't bring himself to speak. The inside of his chest was tied in a knot, his breath was thin. He glanced at Taehyung, briefly, and saw that he was watching the other two, a soft smile on his lips. He picked up his lemonade and took a long swig, trying to shake away his emotions. He placed the flask back on the table and huffed quietly to himself.
"How do you like Jeju, Jeongguk?"
He wasn't aware they had switched conversations, so the question took him by surprise. Jisoo had been the one to ask. She was staring at him in such a manner he felt like she was almost digging around for his soul. He cleared his throat. "Oh, fine. Yeah. It's beautiful."
"Who showed you around? Hope?"
"Yeah."
"Where did you go?"
"Uhhh ... a lot of places. The bookstore. Market."
"I was going to show him the cove too," Hoseok added. "But there wasn't time. We went later, with this guy." He gave Taehyung a fist-bump across the table.
"Oh, I love that place," Jisoo said, with a dreamy smile. "But did he show you the statue garden?"
Jeongguk shook his head.
She turned her head towards Hoseok. "You didn't show him the statue garden?"
Hoseok shrugged. "I don't find it interesting."
"But it's beautiful. Back me up here, Taehyung."
"It is," Taehyung said. "I loved it."
"Maybe I could show you," Jisoo offered. "Or Taehyung. He knows the way. Don't you?"
"Of course, I do." He leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. "I'm like a compass."
Jisoo eyed him, not convinced. "Okay," she said, slowly. "Which way is North?"
He pointed with such confidence everyone was quiet for a moment, a little baffled. Jisoo looked in the direction he had pointed. She then turned back to the group. "Can anyone verify?"
"I don't even know what's up and what's down." Hoseok laughed to himself.
"Well, I guess we'll have to trust you, Taehyung."
Taehyung smirked and buried his hands in his pockets.
Meanwhile, Jeongguk was scolding himself. Pull yourself together. He placed his hand on his knee, firmly, as it was starting to shake. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get rid of the tightness within him. It was like a pestering fly, that kept flying in his face, no matter how many times he tried to swat it away, it always came back. He had no idea where it was coming from.
That's a lie. He knew damn well where it was coming from. He had sensed it the moment he had sat down at the table, laid his eyes on the girl sitting across from him. She only needed to speak, only needed to move, for the negativity to start swelling in Jeongguk's throat, a deep-rooted discontent stirring his blood. And everything started getting on his nerves, the sound that came when she placed her teacup back on the saucer, the way she tilted her head left to right while she thought, when she included everyone in the conversation, looking intently at Jeongguk when he was quiet, as if she were speaking directly to him. And now, his whole body was stiff and there was an uncomfortable tang in his voice that was getting harder to hide. And suddenly, he felt like he was suffocating, and he couldn't take it anymore; he stood to his feet, excused himself, and went to find the bathroom.
He couldn't get there fast enough. He placed his palms down on the sink, and leaned forward, hanging his head, and counted his breath. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. He tried to think about nothing, but he wasn't very good at that, the thoughts popped up in his mind left and right, like moles, and no matter how hard he tried whacking them on their heads, they always came back.
But maybe it was time to stop pushing them away, maybe it was time to face them. He looked up and saw his own reflection in the mirror. His hardened eyes, his clenched jaw, his weary shoulders. He was angry and he was drained. What is wrong with you? Why couldn't he hold it together? Why couldn't he just let her be? Where were these negative emotions coming from?
His mind was trying to escape. He didn't want to think about this, there was something blocking him from doing so––he recoiled from the thought. But he forced himself to, eyes steady on his reflection, he confronted his emotions, grabbed them by the shoulders. Who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you here?
Jisoo was humble, funny, determined, and sweet. She was clearly bright, but not caught up over her own intelligence; she was pretty and charming. There was nothing to dislike. He had no reason to. Yet there was some lag in his chest, something preventing him from warming up to her, of being open and friendly towards her, despite his wishes to be. Why?
Think, he told himself. What was the reason?
A part of him already knew what it was. A part of him had always known. But he constantly ran away from it, didn't want to confront it; and he felt his mind tugging on him, right now, trying to free itself from the leash he had on it, but he held on tight. You know the reason, Jeongguk.
Jisoo was perfect. And Taehyung liked her, in one way or another.
It was Mina all over again.
"Fuck," he whispered to himself, and hung his head. He closed his eyes tight, trying to keep his composure. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to think about this. He wanted to go underwater, to block out all the noise, drown the thoughts, the emotions.
But he looked back up. He pushed himself onward, started down a maze, one thought leading to another each time he turned a corner. And like in a maze, he went back and forth, got lost, his thoughts were messy, unorganised, confusing. He thought about Mina, thought about how he had amplified her flaws (how particular she was, liked precision––a perfectionist, who bit off more than she could chew, so when something wasn't going like she had expected, and she felt out of control, she might snap). He thought about how she had gotten on his nerves, how she had driven him half insane, even when she had been nice, funny, or charming, he had only ever seen her flaws. And he thought about how he didn't even know Jisoo, yet he was already doing the same thing to her. He was letting her––forcing her––to get on his nerves, so that he could have a reason to dislike her. Because the real reason was something he didn't want to face.
They were everything he was not. And since Taehyung was so enamoured by them, he would never be enough for him. Maybe it wasn't true––it was probably not true, but right now, as he stumbled through the maze that was his mind, meeting dead ends and going around in circles, it was the only truth he knew. He had thought he had only hated Mina because she had stolen Taehyung from him, but he now knew that it cut deeper than that. He had constantly been comparing himself to her, jealous not only of her relationship with Taehyung, but who she was as a person. Jealous of her perfect image, and how much Taehyung seemed to like her for that.
Another dead end: he turned back the other way.
Taehyung wasn't so superficial, he reminded himself. He hadn't liked Mina because of status, hadn't liked her because of her accomplishments, or because her daddy made bank. Not because she was popular, or had everything together, perfect grades, a perfect form, but because they clicked. Because she had understood him. Because she had listened and made him feel heard. He had liked her because they'd connected. And Jeongguk would be lying to himself if he told himself he and Taehyung didn't have a connection.
He took in a deep breath. He looked at his reflection again, saw his determined eyes staring back at him. You can do this. And then, there he was, at the end of the maze. The exit was waiting for him, an archway of clarity, and he stood frozen, staring at it, staring at his reflection, allowing the thought to pass through him like a summer breeze.
He had feelings for Taehyung.
The quickened heartbeat, the constant longing to be around him, near him, close to him. The pang in his chest when he had seen him around Mina, hugging Mina, kissing Mina. The jealousy that drove him almost insane, the dreams he had at night, the ones he would bury deep down the next morning, ignoring the tingles all over his skin, the throbbing sensation down below.
He couldn't run away from it anymore––didn't want to run away anymore. Because what was so wrong with it anyway, to have desires for one's friend, to have deep longings for another boy; why was it that the world deemed a kiss sinful––an exchange so beautiful in its essence––when it was a boy kissing a boy, or a girl kissing a girl, when in reality, a kiss is only sinful when it is unwanted? And love (love!); how could that ever be a bad thing?
He had feelings for Taehyung––he might even love him, and that was okay.
He gripped the sides of the sink, holding it tight as if he were holding onto the words, deep within him, as if trying to burn them into the fabric of his soul, where they belonged, where, really, they had always been, but he had never realised, never let himself see, but now he saw. Now, he saw his reflection, his eyes, looked through them, and was visited by a memory. Sitting in Mina's changing rooms, a few months ago––who had he even been back then?––when she had told him Taehyung had broken up with her, and she had told him he had gotten what he'd wanted.
She had known. She had known, even before he had.
But hadn't he known, to some degree? Back then? Before that? All along? This knowledge hadn't come out of nowhere, it had clawed its way out of his stomach, past to his heart, and finally, curled itself on top of his vocal coords, made its nest there. And now, he couldn't push the words away anymore. They were there, and if they were going anywhere, it wouldn't be back down, but up and out, into the open air.
And Jeongguk breathed. And then he jumped, as the doorknob rattled, someone checking the door and he came to his senses. Realised he had been in here suspiciously long. He took one last look in the mirror and found himself smiling. He felt light as a feather. Then, he opened the door and sent an apologetic smile to the person who'd been waiting. He stood for a moment, searched his feelings, and, oddly enough, he felt calm, and the thought of returning to the table didn't fill him with dread, like he had thought it would.
He felt different. Not in a bad way either. Just different.
When he returned to the table, Hoseok had stood up. "Ahh, good," he said, when he saw him. "You're here. I was about to leave."
"Oh." Jeongguk stopped in front of him. "Where are you going?"
"Jisoo has convinced me to go pack."
"Really?"
Hoseok shook his head, scrunching his nose. "Nope. Not a chance." He laughed. "Actually ... I'm going to meet Kiki." A slight blush crept to his cheeks. "She's the girl from the party."
Jeongguk smirked. "The girlfriend?"
"She's not––"
Jeongguk raised his eyebrows.
Hoseok rolled his eyes. "Nevermind you. I have to go."
Jeongguk laughed. "Well, good luck."
He smiled. "Thank you."
And then, Hoseok was hugging him, squeezing him tight, and it felt like the hugs his sister always gave him, a little bit crushing, but in the best way possible. And then he was on his way, waving as he walked down the street.
Jeongguk sat down. Jisoo was checking her phone, and Taehyung looked at him. "You okay?" he muttered, so only he could hear. "You were gone for a bit."
Jeongguk nodded. "Yeah. Jimin texted me. I lost track of time." The words slipped out of his mouth before he managed to even think them through.
It was easier, being at the table this time. While there was still a twinge of nervousness in his body, appearing as a restlessness (he still didn't know where to put his hands) he didn't necessarily feel uncomfortable. And the strange thing was, he didn't find himself behaving differently around Taehyung. Because nothing has changed. His feelings hadn't changed. Now, he'd just put a name to them. That's not to say he wasn't nervous around him, but it was more so that he had always been nervous around him, but he had never truly understood why. Or hadn't allowed himself to understand.
As for Jisoo, those negative emotions weren't gone. But they were milder. And it was much easier to keep them at bay. And so, it was easier to speak to her, which was a good thing, because now that Hoseok was gone, she seemed to be taking a great interest in him. She asked him about his interests, and then more specific questions about his photography, how he had gotten into it, what kind of photographs he took, if he was going to make it a career, exclaiming ("that's amazing!") when he told her he'd gotten into a prestigious art school in Seoul (he had gotten the acceptance letter last week), where he would study photography. He noticed Taehyung staring at him at that, with a look in his eye he couldn't quite read.
"You didn't tell me you got in," he said.
"Well," he said. "I got it a week ago. When we weren't on speaking terms. And after we made up, I'd forgotten I hadn't told you."
It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either. He hadn't forgotten the conversation Taehyung and his father had had at dinner, and he didn't really know where Taehyung stood, when it came to that, acceptance letters, university, the future. It seemed like a sensitive topic, and he had felt awkward talking about it.
Taehyung nodded. "That's fantastic, Guk," he said, clinking his flask to his. "I'm happy for you."
But Jeongguk sensed it somehow bothered him. He looked bothered. It wasn't very noticeable, but now that Jeongguk was paying attention to it, he saw it. As Jisoo kept the conversation going, asking him more about himself, telling the both of them anecdotes from her life, Jeongguk's mind was focused on Taehyung. He was fidgeting. Tapping lightly on the table with his fingers, playing with his hair, moving his hands around––and he was quiet, most importantly. Taehyung wasn't usually very quiet––and now that Jeongguk thought about it, he'd been a lot quieter than usual for a while now, maybe since they'd first sat down at the table. Jeongguk had been too caught up in his own head to even notice it.
It put him on edge. Was something wrong? He was afraid to ask him in front of Jisoo, but he seemed uncomfortable, he seemed nervous, almost. But why would he be nervous?
Just then, Taehyung pushed back his chair, abruptly, and pointed down the street. "Do you mind if I check in the bookstore? I won't be long." He was already standing up.
No. Please. He tried making eyecontact with Taehyung, but it was like he was avoiding his eyes. Had he done something wrong?
Jisoo crossed her legs and tilted her head to the side. "Not at all," she said, soothing voice. "What book are you looking for?"
"Uh ... just this book Joon was talking about––I'll tell you later."
Don't leave me alone with her.
But he was already leaving. "I'll only be a second!" He waved and then started down the street, arms swinging to the rhythm of his steps. Jeongguk watched him disappear through a door, a couple houses down the street.
"And then there were two," Jisoo said.
Jeongguk was still looking at the bookstore. "Do you work there?" he asked.
He looked back at her when she answered. "I wish. That's a second-hand bookstore, small and old. Smells amazing. I work at a bigger one––a normal one. It's not too far from here, actually."
"You like it?"
She tilted her head side to side. "I'd prefer a smaller space. Cosier. But yeah, I like it."
There was a small silence then. Jisoo tucked her hair behind her ear and glanced down the street. After a moment she said, "How long have you two known each other?"
Jeongguk did the math. "Four years," he said.
"And how did you become friends?"
Jeongguk pondered it. "I don't really know ..." he said. "It sort of just happened. We clicked. He needed directions at school. And after that, we were friends."
"You seem very close."
"Yeah," Jeongguk said. "We are."
"Is he your closest friend?"
He didn't answer right away––Jisoo was asking hard questions. "I don't know," he then said. "I have another friend––Jimin, his name is. We've known each other since birth. So, I guess he would be my best friend. But ... with Taehyung it's just different."
"Different how?"
Jeongguk felt himself heating up. I don't want him to be a friend, was what he was thinking. But he couldn't exactly say that, and now he didn't know what he could say. He felt backed into a corner. Finally, he said, "Jimin is more like a brother to me ... than a friend."
Jisoo didn't say anything. She just nodded, her eyes understanding. It felt nice talking to her, Jeongguk realised. And suddenly he was reminded of the restaurant. In a way, it just might have been a blessing that Jisoo had stumbled across Taehyung that night, because if she had been as soothing of a listener then as she was now, she would have been a great comfort for Taehyung to have around. Probably a greater comfort than Jeongguk could have been.
"Thank you," he said and Jisoo looked at him, surprised. "For taking care of him, the other night," he explained.
"Oh," Jisoo said. "Of course."
"I mean it. It must have meant a great deal to him."
Jisoo shrugged. "It was nothing. I had fun."
Jeongguk felt the jealousy bubbling within him, but he ignored it. "What did you do together?"
"I just showed him some of my favourite places. We talked."
"What did you talk about?"
"Well ..." She smiled to herself. "A lot of things." She was quiet for a moment, and Jeongguk thought she might not answer in more detail, but then she spoke again, donning a smug smile. "About you, for instance."
Jeongguk froze. "About ... about me?"
She nodded. "He had a lot to say about you."
"Like what?"
Jisoo grinned, mischief in her eyes. "I am not going to tell you."
"Are you serious?"
She nodded. The way she was smiling, it reminded him of Taehyung. So smug. So mysterious.
"That's so unfair," Jeongguk grumbled.
Jisoo laughed. Jeongguk found himself looking down the street. He wondered what was taking so long, why he wasn't back yet. It was making him nervous, and he had half a mind to stand up and go find him. But he didn't. He turned back to Jisoo. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing, that he was alone with her. Maybe he could use the opportunity to his advantage.
He cleared his throat. "I'm about to ask you something ... well, strange."
"Okay," Jisoo said, laughing.
He didn't know how to say this without sounding deranged, didn't know where to start.
Start somewhere. "Taehyung," he said. "Do you ... do you think that he's handsome?"
Jisoo eyed him. "Do you?"
Jeongguk stammered. "Well, I don't ... that's not what ... I mean, yeah, I do ... but what I meant ..."
Jisoo put him out of his misery. "I do think he's handsome," she said, and, even thought Jeongguk had known it was coming, it still devastated him. "But I'm not interested in him."
Jeongguk blinked. He had never heard of someone not being interested in Taehyung. He was silent for a bit, not knowing what to say. Then, he said the only thing he could think of. "Why?"
Jisoo laughed. "You're right, you do ask strange questions." She brushed her hair off her shoulder while she thought. "Well, truthfully––" She quieted, as if to build suspense, and again, Jeongguk was reminded of Taehyung––"Because it's clear I'm not the one he's interested in."
Jeongguk's stomach jumped into his chest.
Jisoo kept going. "Besides, I prefer making friends. Advancing my career. No man has ever been able to keep up with me, anyway." She shrugged, matter-of-factly, and Jeongguk laughed, even though what she'd said had barely rendered to him. He was stunned. Who? he wanted to ask. Who was Taehyung interested in? But he couldn't get his voice to work.
Jisoo checked her watch. "Oh, dear, look at the time." She stood up and placed her purse on her shoulder. "I have to go. Tell Taehyung goodbye from me?"
Jeongguk nodded. There was so much he wanted to ask.
She stood there for a bit, observing him.
"What?"
She smiled. "Nothing. Just ... it was nice talking to you. I learned a lot."
"Oh," he said. "Yeah. You too."
What he had learned, he didn't know.
She smiled again. "Good-bye, Jeongguk."
And then she was off. He sat and stared at nothing in particular, still in his chair, deep within his own mind, but everything was cloudy, mushy. He blinked, shrugged, and his eyes settled on the table in front of him, the flask, a small bit of pink left at the bottom of it, and he stared at the label, dumbfounded, the soft curves of the letters, the curt, almost sour sound of the pink, mixing in with the sweet melody of the lemonade. He picked up the flask, downed the rest of it. It was hot, and Jeongguk could feel the two tastes clashing in his mouth, the sweet and the sour, but like they were meant to clash.
He felt someone poke his shoulder. He turned.
And there he was, all smiles. "Where did Jisoo go?" he asked.
"She had to run." He stood up. Looked at Taehyung. His hair had fallen over his eyes, as it always did. "Why did you leave?"
"I already told you––"
"Taehyung."
Taehyung shrugged. "I wanted to give you two some time alone."
Jeongguk's lips parted. He shifted, he blinked, he couldn't understand. It stung.
"Well ... did she ask you out?" His voice was light. Unbearably light.
"She didn't." Jeongguk studied him. "But she told me something."
"Mmm, what's that?" He looked at the ground, running the tip of his shoe across the cobbled pavement.
"I'm not really sure ... to be honest."
Taehyung laughed. He looked up, eyes bright and warm. "Come on," he said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Let's go home."
Jeongguk had never been so confused.
***
This was such a tricky chapter to write, but I'm very happy with the outcome.
This is dedicated to lavattae, a fairly new reader, but whose enthusiastic comments have brought a smile to my face. Thank you so much for reading <3
If you like the story, don't forget to vote :]
Love, Sten