I wasn't dead. At least, I don't think I was. I couldn't be sure, because this place sure seemed like a nightmare. Maybe I had died a long time ago and this was my own personal hell, my punishment for being a selfish, bitchy, ugly, fat whore.
What could I do? There was no escape. There was nothing keeping me here anymore. If Ronnie was still alive, I had no way of knowing, and I would never see him again anyways. He would never know what happened to me. Maybe in a couple years someone would find this place and discover my body, but Id be long gone by then. Why couldn't I just die?
I could do nothing but lay here and wait for death. Every night it came closer as closer. Why hadn't it happened by now? It had been forever ago since I had last had a taste of the world above me. I felt as though I wasn't a part of the world. I was inside it, sure, but I had never known living until I had been trapped down here.
I used to wish I never had to see people again, but now I wished I could see people. Id take judgmental glares over the dark silence of this prison any day. It was too quiet, too dark, too lonely, and all too painful.
I had stopped counting the days I'd been down here. What was the point of counting away from when I was free? It was just a reminder of what I would never have again. I stopped counting after a month, and that was a long time ago. Or maybe it was only a week ago, I don't know. Time didn't exist down here.
Days just dragged into one another. Nothing changed except for the amount of bruises, the amount of cuts, the amount of gashes, the amount of pain. When would it end?
How could I go on knowing the pain I had caused? How could I go on knowing that because of me, the people I cared about were hurt? How could I?
Ronnie could be dead. Falling In Reverse could be mourning a singer, and more importantly, a friend. Max could be without his best friend. Fans could be without a love, an idol, a hero, a savior. His dad could be without a son, his dad could be without both of his sons!
And I? I would have lost the only person who never hurt me, never betrayed me, never let me down. I would lose the only one I ever loved. I would be without the only person who broke through my walls, took down my defenses and made me feel like I could trust them.
I would lose the one who didn't steal my heart, no Ronnie was no thief, but the one who asked for it. I would have lost the one who asked me for permission, asked me for love, asked me for a chance. I would lose the one that I gave my heart to, however short, however small it may have seemed. If Ronnie was dead, I would lose a love, lose the capability to love ever again.
And it would be all because of me.
I couldn't even cry anymore, my eyes had been leaked dry. I just stared up at the dirt above me, my whole body pounding with sadness, emptiness, guilt.
If Ronnie was dead, thousands of people would miss him. People would die without him. People would cry for him, scream for him, sob for him. People would sleep to escape back into a world where he was breathing.
People would write songs about him, and how he was gone now. People would dedicate things to him. People would attend his funeral. Fans would cry for him to come back. People would beg for him to be alive again, promise anything if just to see him breathing again.
And what if I just died right now? I could slip away at any moment, drift away. I could close my eyes and never open them. My heart could catch at the thought of seeing Ronnie again, and it could never start beating again. I could breathe out and never breathe back it.
I could empty my lungs and never fill them up again. I could feel my pulse and feel the last beat, then not feel a pulse ever again. I could reach my hand up towards the light sneaking into this prison, reach out to grasp it one last time, then let my hand fall, never to move again. And what would happen?
And what would happen if I was dead? I had no friends to mourn me. My family probably wouldn't even know I was dead, and they wouldn't care to know. My dad seems convinced I'm not his daughter, he lost his little girl a long time ago, way before I was even dead. I didn't have a band to lose me, no fans to cry for me. I was all alone.
I was all alone.