The following day was the absolute worst. I woke up feeling okay until I realized I was sleeping without my babygirl, causing the thoughts of yesterday to creep into my mind. I felt terrible, especially given how everything turned out last night. I feel like everything that happened is my fault... I know I could have handled it better, and God, I wish I had...
There was no way I would be able to stay in this apartment because I would drive myself crazy, replaying those events in my head. I still felt how uneasy I was; I knew I wasn't okay. I was so upset with myself for what I did. I had racked my brain for hours, trying to pinpoint why it happened, and I couldn't figure it out. The only thing that crossed my mind was that everything was my fault, which didn't help, whatsoever.
The last time I felt this lost and unsure of what to do, my mom helped me figure things out. So, I decided that maybe she would be willing to help me again. It's funny how I really need her help or advice when it has to do with Mia. I took my phone off the charger and dialed my mom's number while I sat upright in bed. I leaned against my pillows and headboard; after the second ring, she picked up.
"So, does this mean you're ready to tell me what's been going on, honey?" My mom said, causing me to chuckle.
"Yes, I am. Can I come over soon?" I asked, hoping that this would be okay.
"Of course, you can. I'll see you soon. I love you and drive safely," She started, and I smiled.
"See ya' soon, Mom. I love you too," I finished, and we hung up the call.
I placed my phone back onto the nightstand and let out a deep sigh. I should have known that my mom would be waiting for me to come to her and expect that's what I would need as soon as I called. She sure does know me, and I am glad for that. Sometimes, you just need help from your mom. I know I do. I need to make sure she knows how grateful I am that she has always been such an amazing mom.
I remained in bed for another few minutes because it seemed that I had to mentally prepare myself to get up. While on my period, it really feels like I need a whole twelve-step program just to convince myself to get out of the damn bed. I often find this mindset annoying, especially when I know I need to be somewhere. Before I completely peeled myself off the bed, I opened my text chat with Mia to see if she had read my last message. I let out a content sigh when I saw that she did, in fact, read it. For some reason, knowing she read it made me feel better because that meant she wasn't ignoring me. I'm glad she read it, and I don't know when she is coming home, but I'll be sure to send her another good night message tonight too. I want her to see that she is on my mind and how sorry I am for how I treated her.
The moment my feet landed on the solid ground, I stretched and let out a yawn. Walking over to the dresser, I found some sweat pants and, after that, I took a long sleeve shirt off a hanger from the closet. First, I went into the bathroom to turn on the water and take some Ibuprofen from the medicine cabinet to help lessen the pain of my cramps. Then, I brushed my teeth, and when I finished that, I removed my clothing and got into the shower.
My shower was much needed, and I felt better after having one. I spent the next fifteen minutes drying off and getting dressed. When I reached the kitchen, I took a piece of paper I found lying on the counter and began writing on it. I made sure to leave that note on the kitchen table for Mia, should she come home before me. I want her to know I was spending some time with my mom and for her not to worry. I grabbed a cold water bottle from the fridge and ate the last banana for a quick bite to eat.
Once I felt ready and had what I needed, I decided to double-check everything and then grabbed my keys. Not too much longer, I left the house and locked the door. After another ten minutes, I got into the car and buckled myself in as I put on the song "I Need You" by LeAnn Rimes and began the forty-minute drive to my parents' house.
~
As soon as I walked through the door of my old home, I knew by the expression my mom held that she could immediately tell how bad things were. I haven't actually seen her or dad in a few months, so I can only imagine how bad I look, especially with my recent unfortunate sleeping habits. Before we sat down in the living room, I took a few minutes to look around the familiar, comfortable place. Everything is as it always is, and being back here has reminded me of how badly I miss it and my parents.
My mom followed me around the house and asked, "What is it, honey?"
"Oh, it's nothing. I'm just reminiscing, I guess. I never realized how much I missed this place. It'll always be home, ya' know?" I said, and she chuckled.
"Yes, I do understand what you're saying. As long as your father and I live here, it will always be your home," She confirmed, and I smiled.
"Where's Dad?"
"He's at work already and should be home sometime this evening," She answered, and I nodded my head.
"Do you have to go in today? If you do, I don't want to keep you from your work or patients," I stated as she shook her head at me.
"I took the day off," My mom then said, and I looked at her.
"Why?" I questioned.
"Because my daughter needs me, of course," She replied, and it caused me to get choked up and emotional. Damn my period and emotions.
"I did something stupid, Mom... I don't know if Mia will ever forgive me..." I revealed to her, never looking at her while I said it.
"Where is she, and is she okay?" My mom quickly asked, which made me mentally smile at her concern. My parents will always love and care for Mia. I'm so happy about that.
"As far as I know, she is okay. She went to stay with her mom for a while. I texted Ali last night, and she said Mia made it to her house safely. I just don't know how she is emotionally after what happened between us," I said, and my mom nodded her head.
"If Mia spent some time away from you, it must have been bad, huh?" Clara added, and I sighed, giving her a non-verbal answer.
By this time, my mom and I retired to the living room, and as we sat down together, she said, "I'm sure she will forgive you, but... what did you do? You sound mysterious at the moment."
"I got upset that we haven't spent time with each other like we used to. I wanted to, but Mia had received a text, and when I asked her to spend time with me, she said that she couldn't. She had to go back to work, and I... I kinda' snapped at her, Mom..." Tears decided to fall upon remembering those hurtful words I spoke to my beautiful lover.
"Shhh, it's okay, honey," My mom said and pulled me into a comforting embrace.
"It's not okay, Mom... you don't even know what I said to her... I was so... mean, I've never been that way to her before," I added as she extracted herself from our embrace.
"Okay then, enlighten me," She countered. I looked down at my hands that were resting in my lap as I spoke.
"Well... I raised my voice, cursed at her, and accused Mia of cheating on me..." I answered my mom. I could feel her eyes on me, and I knew I couldn't look at her. Not yet anyway.
"Cambria Clover Jones, why would you say such a thing to her, let alone accuse her of something we both know to be very impossible?" My mom subtly exclaimed. She never yells at anyone, but she surely knows how to make you feel all the emotions through her words and the tones she uses.
"I don't know... it just slipped out..." I responded in a defeated tone.
"Mia worships you, honey... you know that. Everyone knows that. What I don't understand is, why would you feel jealous or worried? This had to come from somewhere," She explained, and I knew she was right. I know exactly why this happened... I just feel so stupid for allowing myself ever to think this was a possibility...
"I just... Mia has been working so hard, two jobs and extra hours while interning... she's doing all of this for me, I know that, but... we used to always make time for each other. Lately, she's always gone, and I miss her so much... I let my worries get to me..." I said to her, and she looked at me confused.
"What worries?" She questioned.
"I've been worried that maybe Mia doesn't want to be with me anymore... like, maybe she's working all these hours to stay away from me because she lost interest or doesn't love me..." I revealed as I said those words aloud for the first time to my mom. The tears that flowed down my face couldn't be stopped now.
"Oh, honey... don't cry," My mom spoke up and held me tightly as all of my doubts and worries had rippled through my body and mind. I need Mia, and I'm so scared of losing her.
"I c-can't lose her, Mom. I'd die without her... I never knew I could love someone as much as I love her. She's everything to me, and I'm so fucking scared of that possibility..." I added and continued to cry into my mom's shoulder. She was softly rubbing my back, providing me additional comfort at this moment, which I greatly appreciated. A few more minutes passed before she released me from her embrace and lifted my head, making me look into her eyes.
"I want you to go wash your face and try to relax. I will make us something to eat, and then we can continue talking, okay?" She said, and I nodded.
When my mom got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen, I strolled towards the restroom to wash my face with cold water. I took a few minutes and decided to walk up to my bedroom. When I opened my childhood bedroom door, I was greeted by so many memories. I remember when Mia and I would spend the night, and we'd stay up late talking, playing games, or watching movies. All those days, we would spend time together as a family and have dinner. Then, when she moved in and we became a couple. All those close sexual moments that got ruined by my parents, which always had us dying of laughter, and all in all, I just remember how happy we were. Those memories made me even more set on fixing what I messed up with my girl.
About twenty minutes passed when I heard my mom calling my name and telling me that lunch was ready. It's been many years since my mom called me for food like this, it's kinda' funny, and it feels like déjà vu too. When I got back downstairs, I walked directly towards the kitchen and sat down next to her at the table. My mom prepared us a double grilled cheese sandwich, and I always loved how she made them, with cheese on the inside and the outside of the bread. I cannot wait to dig in!
"Listen to me, my beautiful daughter," She said, and I nodded as I took a massive bite while she spoke to me.
"I know for a fact that Mia loves and needs you just as much as you love and need her. It's normal to have doubts, fears, and jealousy; it's what makes us human. The way you handle them is what matters, honestly. You didn't handle things too well, which is unfortunate, but... It's not the end. I know you, and I know Mia, and I am confident that things will work out. You two are meant for each other," My mom expressed, and I smiled at her words.
"Thank you for saying that, Mom. It means a lot to me," I responded to her, and she smiled at me.
"If you're up to it, honey, I'd like to delve deeper into how this happened and maybe help you realize why, so that way, you can be better equipped when you explain things to Mia." My mom offered, and I nodded my head in agreement.
For the next two hours, we ate and discussed everything, from the start of Mia's internship to the events of last night. I went into detail about when the doubts began, the small moments when my girl forgot to say 'I love you' or if the call hung up early. I told her about the late nights, how Mia doesn't sleep with me sometimes, and also about Vivian and that fucking kiss. I explained that I keep having nightmares and, of course, that I got my period. My mom now understood how everything contributed to the fight, but she also made it very plain that I should have just spoken to Mia as soon as anything crossed my mind. I know she is right; everyone said I should just talk to her.
She made sure to tell me that fear can make people do crazy things or even do nothing at all because of it. She said these reactions are expected, and the hardest thing to do is recognize when fear plays a role in something and bring it to light by talking about it. I really appreciate her wise words, and the more she explained, the more I thought hard about everything and came to terms with it myself. I know that I need to forgive myself and let it go so that I can move forward the right way and without holding onto the anger and guilt.
My mom's phone rang, and she picked it up after telling me that she'd only be a minute. I could tell from the conversation that my dad was on the other line, and it made me want to know more about their history and how they dealt with being busy, like how Mia and I have been. I patiently waited for her to get off the phone, and as soon as she sat back down next to me, I spoke up.
"Mom, how did you deal with Dad when he was away on trips, or when you and he were in college and busy?" I asked, and she smiled. Why is she smiling?
"Honey, that's easy," She replied.
"What do you mean?" I questioned, raising my eyebrow, confused.
"Long ago, when we first started dating, we used to make little promises. Since Blake was working towards his law degree, he would make us these silly little contracts that we would read, discuss, change, and sign together. See, your father and I have always had great communication, which made me feel lucky. Many times, our schooling, family, and careers tried to get in the way of our relationship and wreak havoc. However, we stayed strong, and whenever there was a possibility of doubt, we would both talk about it," My mom explained.
"I never knew you two did that. It's adorable, but... You make it sound so easy to communicate."
"It is, honey," She confirmed.
"How? I have never felt like this before or have been this scared of losing someone," I added, and she placed her hand on mine.
"The only way to ease that doubt is to put that fear out of your head, to make it known, and to express it to the only person who can ease that fear. Tell me, do you trust Mia?" My mom then asked.
"With my life," I answered without hesitation, and she smiled widely.
"Then, my darling daughter, you have everything you will ever need to communicate," She stated.
"Thank you, Mom. I think I am starting to understand what you are telling me," I said, and she hugged me.
"I'm glad, honey," My mom said as soon as we parted from our hug.
"Tell me more about you and Dad."
~
The remainder of the time that I spent with my mom was pretty awesome. We talked about many other things aside from my lashing out at Mia. I told her about how much I've been enjoying my counseling job at the school. I could tell by her smile that she was happy and proud of me. After that conversation, my mom told me more stories about some of their dates and fun times. My parents are so crazy, happy, and in love; it seems that has been the case since they first met. I'm really happy I was able to learn more about their past.
I arrived home about three hours later. I was immediately aware that Mia didn't get home yet because her car wasn't in the parking lot. Realizing this did make me upset, but not in a bad way; I was more sad than anything because I missed her and wanted her to be home and safe with me. When I walked into our apartment, I went straight into the bedroom and sat down on the bed. I should figure out something to do to keep myself busy until Mia decides to come home... whenever that might be... she didn't say for how long she would be at her mom's...
I fell back onto the bed as I sighed and then realized that I should take some time to wash our bedsheets, blankets, pillowcases, and whatever clothing was in the hamper. Cleaning does pass the time, and I think it will be nice for my girl to come home to a clean house. Yeah, that's what I can do for today. A few minutes later, I sat up with a new plan in mind and had a spark of determination with it. I got off of the bed and began to remove everything from it.
I connected my Bluetooth speaker, put on a random dance playlist, and washed the bedding first. Then, I strolled into the kitchen, began to dust, and continued that task throughout the house. When I was done with that, I washed the dishes and then wiped down all the countertops and surfaces. Fifteen minutes later, I finished cleaning the bathroom and made my way back to the washing machine to put some fabric softener in it. I finished my cleaning tasks by sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming. All that's left is to put the contents from the washer into the dryer and start another load after it.
Ten minutes after starting the next load, I put the television on and relaxed on the couch. During a random commercial, my phone went off, and I saw that Sara had texted me.
Sara: "Hey you."
Cambria: "Hey, how are you? Also, are you and Brittany okay?"
Sara: "Yeah, we're good. Thanks for asking, and how are you and Mia?"
Cambria: "No idea."
Sara: "Has she come home yet?"
Cambria: "No, she hasn't."
Sara: "I'm sorry."
Cambria: "It's okay. I know she will come home one day, and I'll be here, patiently waiting. I won't let this ruin what we have. I can't."
Sara: "I'm proud of you, Sunshine."
Cambria: "Thanks, Buttercup."
Sara: "So, what are you up to?"
Cambria: "I did some cleaning, and now I'm just waiting for the laundry to finish, so I put something on the television to help pass the time."
Sara: "Oh, nice. Look at you being all productive and shit. Lol. As for me, I'm in the middle of making some popcorn."
Cambria: "Don't burn it again."
Sara: "OMFG! That was an accident, and it only happened ONE damn time, okay?!?! Are you ever going to let that go? Sheesh!"
Cambria: "That wasn't an accident... that was an unholy sin, a betrayal for everything pure and delicious that popcorn stands for in this world. And no, I won't let it go. Lmao."
Sara: "Lmfao, you're fucking insane, my friend. And, I know. Knowing you, you'll be telling this to my kids one day."
Cambria: "You know it. ;)"
~
About an hour had passed when all of the laundry was done, so I took a quick shower. Once I was dressed, I sat quietly on our now, cleaned bed. I couldn't help but think back on everything my mom told me and advised me on... Even though I'm scared to talk to my girl about everything, I can't wait to make amends. After talking to my mom, I know that the only thing I need to do is be myself, be open, honest, and trust in my partner. In the end, I want Mia, and I crave to have the kind of relationship and marriage that my parents have, kids and all...
Suddenly, I heard keys unlocking the front door, and a wave of butterflies swarmed through my entire body. Mia's here? I didn't expect her to come home for a couple of days. That doesn't matter anymore; she's home now. I took a few quick, deep breaths to calm myself, even though I am pretty sure it made everything much worse. I could hear her putting keys on the usual key rack, taking off her shoes, and placed her bags down, most likely on the table or floor.
"Mia, hi... um... can we... talk?" I asked nervously as soon as she walked into the bedroom.
"Yes, but... I think it would be best to wait until morning to talk everything out because I know we are both mentally exhausted," My girl explained calmly, and I sighed but nodded my head in agreement.
"Oh, okay. Yeah, tomorrow then," I agreed and watched while Mia searched her dresser for the clothing she would wear tonight.
"Thank you," She said before grabbing her pajamas and walked directly into the bathroom to what I assumed was to get changed. Wait a minute...? Why is she going in there to get changed? She has always changed and has never been shy about being naked in front of me...
I couldn't help myself as the doubt crept through my mind, so I followed Mia into the bathroom. I was relieved that she left the door open, and I watched as she simultaneously changed and brushed her teeth. When she completed that task, she happened to glance at me and frowned slightly. Why is she frowning...? Is she still mad at me? Does she not want to be here? Should I leave her alone? Why am I questioning myself like this? I've never done this before in my life. I always knew what I wanted and went out and got it. Have I changed that much because of my damned fear...?
As Mia finished her nightly routine, she exited the restroom, walking right past me, and got into bed. The fact that she hasn't really looked at me, smiled, touched me, or called me 'baby' had started to make me tear up. The moment she was busy plugging her phone into the charger, I used that time to get into bed myself. I didn't want her to see me cry, and I did my best not to make too much noise as well. I heard her yawn, and even through my tears that made me smile some. Even though we are in the same bed together, it feels like we are miles apart... Should I try to hold her...?
I could see her getting comfortable in my peripheral vision, and she turned my way, but that scared me because she could find out I was crying. So, I turned in the other direction and faced away from her while my mind continued to run rampant. The fact that Mia hasn't called me baby is making me so goddamn scared right now. Did I ruin our relationship? I never realized how much I should have appreciated her calling me that... How many more mistakes am I going to make...? What if I can't fix things between us? This is all my fault...
"Shhh, baby... it's okay, just close your eyes," Mia whispered as she wrapped her arms around me, which prompted me to cry more, but this time, out of happiness, because... this had to have meant that Mia still loved and cared about me. I can't stop crying. Ugh, I'm so goddamn emotional. I hate my period...
For the rest of the time that I was awake, Mia never let me go. She held me tight and kept telling me that everything was okay. Before she fell asleep, she intertwined our fingers together. I was so very grateful for her doing that to me as it gave me hope. My mind was still going a million miles a minute, but having her close to me again, after so long, somehow made everything better. At least, that's what I had hoped was the case, and I wouldn't know if that were true until tomorrow...
I'm still so nervous and on edge about this whole situation, but... I will explain everything to Mia; my jealousy, the business card, how I felt when she rejected me, the nightmares, my doubts, worries, and fears, and how all of that led to the unfortunate mishappenings of yesterday when I lashed out at her... I promise her, and I promise myself that I won't hold anything back. I won't let fear win like this again.