"I'm sorry na-late ako..."
I was sitting on a wooden bench – staring at the blue sky when he finally arrived. Kahit kailan talaga, he's always late. Yet I didn't show any disappointment on my face and only gave him a nod as an answer. Ano pa ang silbi kung magagalit pa ako sakanya, diba?
"It's okay. Ayan na ba lahat ng gamit ko sa unit mo?" I pointed at the box that he was holding. Tumango siya habang may isang ngiti sa kanyang mga labi. Pero kahit ga'no pa kalapad ang ngiti niya, kitang-kita ko pa rin ang lungkot sa kanyang mga mata. His eyes were too powerful – it was as if you could already see his feelings deep down.
"Yup... I guess. I think wala naman ako naiwan."
After he gave me the box, he just awkwardly stood there. We were now looking at the wide field of grass in front of us. Kahit kailan pala talaga, this place always brings me at peace. Maybe that's the reason why I decided to meet here. Para kahit kung ano man ang kahihinatnan ng pagtatagpo namin na 'to, maybe this place would help lessen the pain for me.
"Namiss mo dito no?" he asked.
"Ngayon lang ulit ako nakapunta dito e."
"I could still remember the first time you brought me here sa Sunken. You even gave me a whole tour around UPD."
Pero hindi ako nagsalita. Maybe it was his voice – ramdam na ramdam ko yung paghihinayang, yung sakit, lahat.
It was a brief moment that we settled in the cold silence between us. The wind was rustling the leaves. The sunlight was doing its best to touch us under the tree's shade.
"I'm sorry..." he suddenly said and that was the time I finally took the courage to look back at him. His hands were in his pockets, his curly hair was being caressed by the wind, the sunlight shining on his face – somehow reminding me how golden his eyes were. God, he looked so beautiful as ever.
"Ian..." I felt my tongue burn as if his name was something so horrid that saying it out loud can be condemning. The bad kind of butterflies filled my stomach as I felt my eyes urging me to cry.
"This wasn't the ending we hoped for, right? I'm so sorry..."
I tapped the space beside me – telling him to sit. I bumped my shoulder against him – my lips doing their best to curl up into a smile.
"Next week na flight mo to Paris, right? Good luck sa taping n'yo, ha? I know you'll do great. Someday, you'll be one of the best actors in the industry. And besides, don't worry about me. Pangarap mo yan. Ambisyon mo yan. Mundo mo yan. It's not something I would take away from you. So stop thinking that it's your fault."
"There's no more reason to lie, Paolo. I know na me leaving the country isn't the reason why we decided to end this. Whose fault is it then? Yours?"
"Oo. Kasalanan ko. Ako yung nagsabi sa'yo na tapusin na natin 'to. I gave you the opportunity to let go."
"Pero ako pa rin 'yung bumitaw."
Lumingon na ako sakanya, my brows now forming one straight line. Pero agad naman itong nawala nang makita ko ang seryoso niyang mukha. His eyes were almost red – beads of tears now on the corners of his eyes.
I ruffled his hair. "Why are we even arguing about this, Ian? Ano pa ang silbi?"
He shrugged. "I don't know... I got this feeling kase na maybe you have doubts about what he had. Na maybe isipin mo na hindi ako naging masaya sa'yo. Because I did, Pao. I was happy with you. I really did love you."
Did. Minahal mo nga ako, noon at hindi na ngayon. Naging masaya ka nga sa'kin pero kulang yung saya na 'yon. Kulang na kulang kaya tayo napunta sa ganito.
I wanted to tell him that but I just couldn't... my voice couldn't, my heart couldn't. All I did was stare and smile at his face – savoring the last day that I could have him this close.
"Do you know what I always wish for you, Pao?" He looked away from me – now staring at the clouds above us. "I always wish that you find the one who's really meant to love you the way that you deserve. I beg the gods, the stars, even fate. Because 'yun yung hindi ko nagawa e. I failed to do that for you."
My eyes couldn't look away from him. I couldn't look away. A tear fell down on my right cheek as I finally managed to speak. "Pero kahit isang beses ba, naisip mo man lang na tayo para sa isa't isa?"
"Naisip ko 'yun, of course. Countless times."
"But what happened?"
Another shrug from him. I saw him bite his lips to stop them from quivering – his eyes still doing their best not to let out a tear. "Hindi ko rin alam, Pao. Maybe it's the universe's way of telling us na hindi pala tayo sa isa't isa. Maybe this is its way of telling us that we needed to lose each other to find the love we always deserve in the first place. Masakit man pero kailangan. Ayun yata nakatadhana sa'ting dalawa."
"Tinadhana tayong magkahiwalay?" I chuckled as I wiped the tears cascading down. "Ang gago naman pala n'on."
He nodded as a smile flashed in his face. "Do you remember the time when we had a tarot reading? No'ng week after your birthday? Remember what the reader said? She said na super surprised raw siya na we're still going strong considering our zodiacs. Sabi niya our signs are one of the worst pairings ever: a Gemini and a Scorpio. Scorpios always demand so much in a relationship that Geminis couldn't manage to give it anymore. Baka gano'n nga, hindi ko na kaya ibigay lahat sa'yo."
"Maybe that's what happened to us, no?" I smirked as that day flashed inside my mind.
I couldn't believe she turned out right. I used to think that stuff like these were stupid. Sino ba naman makakahula ng kapalaran mo, diba? Who would firmly entrust their fate to these signs? To these stars? Well jokes on me because this Scorpio got his karma right away.
"Ang dami mong plano para sa'ting dalawa na hindi man lang natin na-realize na we're not in the same page anymore. I don't know how to align with you anymore and letting go is the only option I had left."
I couldn't answer him anymore because everything was true. I was too much for him.
The silence started to envelop us again. The wind blew harder, the leaves kept on rustling, it was too noisy yet calming at the same time. It was as if the whole garden was telling us that it could hear everything, that it could feel the pain from our emotions.
"Pero... pinaglaban naman natin, diba?"
"Oo. Pinaglaban natin. We fought for it too much that we almost lost pieces of ourselves. We fought for it too much that it was hurting both of us along the way."
"Ang funny lang na our love turned something so toxic no?"
"And you know what makes it worse? We were so aware na toxic na pero pinipilit pa rin nating ipaglaban."
"I know right."
We both laughed – masking the storm inside of us.
We did try. It took us three years to fix what we have. Ilang beses namin sinubukang iligtas ang relasyon namin pero wala pa rin. Kung sino sino nalang nadamay – friends, family – at nang madamay na ang trabaho namin, do'n na naisipan na tama na. Kailangan na naming sumuko.
We forced it too much that our stars were already losing its shine.
Maybe we should really end like this. Maybe we're really just a forced collision.
We realized that we needed to stop these episodes of being wanted and unwanted, of blurring the lines of genuine love and our own selves. Because after all these years, I realized na maybe this isn't love... na maybe nasanay lang kami sa isa't isa kaya kami nagmamahal.
For us, it became more like a responsibility... our relationship became more like a responsibility instead of our love.
Ang sakit pala kapag gano'n no? Na mutual ang hiwalayan niyo. Na pareho niyong alam na wala na yung pag-ibig na kumunekta sainyo no'ng una. Na pareho niyong alam na hindi na kayo katulad ng dati. Ang sakit sakit pala. Para kayong sinampal ng katotohanan na nagbago nga kayo. Pareho na kayong napagod sa isa't isa.
The sun was already setting when Ian stood up and let out his hand. "For one last time... wanna dance?"
Without wasting any minute, I accepted his hand. He guided it to his shoulder, the other one on his waist. We swayed with only the wind and the leaves as our music. Hindi na namin inisip kung magmukha kaming tanga o kung ano man.
"I'll miss you," I whispered as I rested my forehead on his shoulder – my arms wrapping around his body. For one last time...
I felt his fingers ruffling my hair and he asked, "Can you promise me this, Paopao?"
That was time I lost it... tears flooded out as sobs escaped my lips. I tightened my embrace around him. Paopao... siya lang ang taong tumatawag sa'kin ng ganyan. At ngayon na mawawala na siya...
"What?" I managed to answer him – my tears now staining his shirt.
"Be happy, please? Be happy for the both of us?"
With him gone, how can I be happy?
I wanted to tell him no. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to give us one more chance. I wanted to let him know that after everything, we could still work it out. I wanted to throw everything that I was feeling because none of it will matter if he's not here with me. I wanted... him.
But a lie was the only thing I could say to him.
"I'll be happy for sure... someday."
But I can't promise if I can be any happier than the way I did with you.
END.