Chapter 7
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Take yourself home
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*
Talk to me
There's nothing that can't be fixed with some honesty
And how it got this dark is just beyond to me
*
Taking in the winter breeze, Jungkook stops for a cigarette a few meters away from the bus stop, waiting for his uber ride.
Cold winters in Osaka were never that bad, it barely snowed two times since he moved here, but besides that, it was only rain and sleet. He couldn't say that he enjoys the rainy weather either.
Music is blasting in Jungkook's earbuds, while he is focusing on thinking of nothing, if possible.
He does that a lot recently. He likes to zone out and take a break from his busy life.
Things have been pretty chaotic for Jungkook recently. He finished his studies one year ago, deciding it was for the best to take on a job offer he was given there, in Japan.
It looked promising at first, and Jungkook was looking forward to taking part in such a huge gaming project.
He didn't mind being buried in work, working extra hours, using his potential fully.
He is currently working for a gaming company he was a fan of even before he started attending university. It has been a nice experience so far, exactly what he wants to do, he loves it.
But he had been feeling lonely. And without realizing it, being buried in work squeezed the life out of him.
Since moving to Japan, Jungkook made a lot of new friends, he could even call some of them his Japanese family. He met some of them in university, others at his old part-time jobs, and he keeps some of them close to his heart, but they could be counted on one hand.
It feels lonely to be away from his family, although he isn't alone, per se.
At first, he came to Japan alone, with one dream and his determination only.
It was perfect for a while, but now, years later, he feels tired. Every time he thinks of living his life like this, a lump would emerge in his throat, a suffocating sensation creeping his whole body.
With the passing years, Jungkook started to understand himself and identified the root source of his fear.
He wants to go back home.
-
"How was work today, Guk? " Yoongi asks Jungkook while the two of them are connected on Discord, playing League of Legends, a multiplayer online game.
"I don't know, the usual I guess." Jungkook isn't in the mood to talk too much today, but he couldn't refuse Yoongi, not when Jungkook owns him so much.
"How are things going with Haru?" Yoongi dares to continue about Jungkook's friend as if he didn't explain a million times that he has nothing to do with him anymore. It irritates Jungkook.
On top of it, it isn't Yoongi's style to insist on something knowing that Jungkook doesn't want to talk about it.
"Yoongi, you know... When I told you two months ago that we are not it, it was for real. I broke up with him because he needed more than I could offer him, also, he was jealous of... My work... I guess?"
He hears Yoongi sighing, most probably regretting he asked such a question. "Sorry. Jimin and Hoseok are here as well, and wanted to check up on the situation."
"Are you guys having occasional Jungkook centered gossip parties or something?" Jungkook frowns, making sure Yoongi would subconsciously feel it. There was no ill intent behind it though, Jungkook couldn't get into a fight with Yoongi even if he wanted to.
That man is too calm for his own good.
Yoongi just replies with a heartfelt laugh. "You know they care a lot about you, we just wanted to make sure you are ok. Jimin says you seemed a lot happier when you were with him, but well, yeah, it might be just an assumption."
It is an assumption.
Jungkook almost rolls his eyes at that.
Maybe Jimin is a specialist when it comes to relationships, after all, he had managed to get his hands on Yoongi and made their relationship work miraculously.
However, Jungkook is different from the people Jimin used to hang out with, and he hardly ever shares his true feelings with others. He finds himself difficult and admits that his relationship failed mostly because of him, but there is no regret left.
There weren't many moments in his life when Jungkook was sincere with his feelings and himself, and most of the ones that he remembers include Taehyung.
"Hi, Guk!" Jimin's voice is heard over the call, accompanied by a few muffles, indicating that he stole Yoongi's headphones. "We miss you, don't listen to Yoongi, I'm not that insistent, I just... if that guy wasn't it, then it's cool, we love you anyway."
"Thank you, Jimin, I appreciate your honesty, can I have Yoongi back, though? We are kinda in the middle of something." Jungkook just giggles. He loves Jimin but doesn't want to lose a ranked game.
"Sure baby boy." Jimin replies in a sassy tone, giving the headphones back to his boyfriend.
And Yoongi's voice is back. "Yeah, what was I saying?"
For a moment, Jungkook stops pressing the mouse buttons just to stare blankly at the screen. "I'm happy you two guys are together and well, but I'm fine like this, alright?"
"Uh, yeah, sure Jungkook, I'm not going to mention this to you anymore, sorry if it overstepped a line. It's just... Routine." Yoongi excuses himself and proceeds with a change of subject, to stop making Jungkook uncomfortable, which Jungkook appreciates.
"Yeah, makes sense."
Jungkook had been in a relationship for one year and a half with a barista he met near university during his four years of studies.
The guy was nice. At first, they got closer as friends, and over time, things have escalated into something more. It wasn't anything special about their relationship, but it was the distraction he needed.
After Taehyung stopped replying to his messages one day, something that Jungkook knew would happen eventually, he decided it was the time to move on.
He couldn't lie to himself, things between him and Taehyung became pretty bad in the long run. They had different schedules, different aspirations, and their friendship was becoming suffocating for both. Conversations were most of the time tense, expectations high on both ends even though neither of them knew what they actually expected.
Jungkook knew that one day Taehyung would put an end to whatever was going on between them. When that day came, it only left him with yet another bittersweet taste on his lips and less energy.
The only things Jungkook had left from Taehyung were a handful of beautiful memories and a meaningful letter.
Sometimes, it hurts.
Taehyung is Jimin's best friend, and Jimin is most of the time around Yoongi. Jungkook knows that Jimin is up to date with everything Taehyung is doing, yet he had never asked and had never been informed.
Up until today, he had no idea what triggered Taehyung to start ignoring him that day.
Now that he accepted it and got used to how things were, he stopped wanting to know.
There was no future for their spring adventure, so instead of getting lost in the sea of what-ifs, he decided to move on and keep Taehyung as a precious memory.
"Hey, hyung.." Jungkook thinks that Yoongi has to be the first he consults with at least when it comes to his plans. "I have.. to tell you something."
"I'm all ears."
"Alright, uh, how do I put it.. I've been looking for job opportunities in Seoul." Jungkook confesses, feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted off his chest.
Maybe he manages to hide it well, but Jungkook is scared that, by going home, people would start judging him.
There is a pause over the line, only a static sound being heard. "What? Really?"
"Yeah, I... I decided that I can't stay here forever, I wanna come home. I did a bit of research on salaries in my field with the experience that I have, which are excellent in Seoul. At this time, staying here feels like a transition and a waste of time for me... Kind of."
"When did you first think about this, Guk?" Yoongi asks with concern in his voice.
"Sophomore year, I guess."
"And you've never told me about it?"
Jungkook had been afraid of someone telling him he should stay in Japan, but at the same time... was also afraid of going home. It was a mixture of confused feelings, so he stalled as much as possible.
There is no way he would have told Yoongi before he made up his mind, at least partly.
Hell, he is still afraid of going back and confronting certain feelings. It is much easier to stay away.
But living alone is lifeless.
"Sorry, I wasn't convinced what I want to do, after all. It was a hard decision to make." He eventually replies.
Yoongi takes his time to take in the information before responding. "That's great, Guk, this makes me so happy? I mean, if that's what you really want to do, come home. What are you afraid of?"
"I could make a list?" He jokes, hearing Yoongi laugh in his ears. "The point is, I am about to overcome my fears this time."
He doesn't mention this to Yoongi, but what Jungkook fears the most is facing Kim Taehyung. Some would laugh at his feelings, but for Jungkook, Taehyung is an important transition process in his life.
It had been hard for him to overcome certain feelings and leave them behind. Thinking that he needs to face the past eventually, still gives Jungkook goosebumps.
-
His relationship with Haru wasn't necessarily bad, Jungkook thinks sometimes.
He was nice, cute, and supportive. He helped Jungkook survive through the university hell, and he was beyond grateful.
What he told Yoongi was indeed true because Haru was asking for more than Jungkook could give in return. He loved Jungkook and didn't like the way he was sinking in work day and night, whereas Jungkook felt bad for not reciprocating his feelings all the time.
Jungkook struggled to find in the relationship he had with Haru at least something remotely close to what he had with Taehyung. Maybe just having these expectations ruined the relationship from the start, but no one could blame Jungkook for trying.
Surely, he convinced himself that a real relationship would not work the way what he had with Taehyung did.
In fact, he didn't even know if a relationship with Taehyung would have worked out to begin with, it was just speculation, so he tried his best to fall in love with Haru.
Because he liked him.
But after so much time of trying, he decided it was for the best to let him go instead of hurting him.
Now that many years have passed, Jungkook finally thinks he is free of what he left behind.
It is the time when he finally faces his past and welcomes it with no regrets.
For one last time before going back to Seoul, while packing, he stumbles upon a letter that he tried for many years to avoid.
Inspecting the envelope, Jungkook smiles to himself and bites his lower lip. Reading it might be the first step he had to take.
*
"Dear Jungkook,
I hope you are in Japan by the time you are reading my words.
Over the past days, you have entered my life, not giving me the chance to say too many things to you about myself or to learn who you really are. However, miraculously, we managed to create a memory within a few days, an experience that many people on earth would not know their whole lives.
Our encounter would be called a hurricane by others, but for me, it was just fate.
We shared more feelings than words, we shared more kisses than the hours we have spent together.
You are a once-in-a-lifetime memory for me, and I want to keep this week forever engraved into my heart.
We created something special, unique, something that is ours only, just for our hearts to remember.
Time will erase my face from your memory, my touch from your skin, my voice from your ears, but I hope that the memory will stay forever with you.
Every time you hear my name, please think of the happiness we have shared.
Every time you hear my name, please smile.
Let this memory guide you through a bright future.
Please allow me to thank you for teaching me the feeling of what others call "love".
Forever grateful, yours,
Kim Taehyung
*
Maybe it is the hundredth time Jungkook reads through these words, yet, he still feels as if he is reading it for the first time.
Jungkook laughs at himself, knowing how childish he is, yearning for a memory.
He hates himself for not moving completely on.
He remembers Taehyung telling him that, if he does not forget his feelings for him completely, they will stay in the way of the life choices he would make.
It was true.
Jungkook was still afraid of going back home, he still was afraid of meeting Taehyung again.
Afraid of waking up a storm of feelings he hardly managed to bury deep within himself.
-
*
Yeah, there's so much history in these streets
And mama's good eats
And wonder on repeat
There's soo much history in my head
The people I've left
The ones that I've kept
Weeks later, Jungkook finally faces his past.
*
After landing on the grounds of South Korea, he doesn't take an Uber on his way home, he decides to take the bus.
Taking the bus, especially with a handful of luggage, is a pain in the ass.
But for Jungkook it is the first step forward to facing his past.
He feels like sixteen again, with no money, no work, and no responsibilities.
Jungkook smiles to himself during the whole bus ride, enjoying hearing people talking in his native language all around him, and finally decides that he wants to treat being back home for the first time in so many years like a new, refreshing beginning with newer opportunities, hopes, and relief.
He tries not to condemn his own decisions. After all, he managed to get his hands on a better-paid job, in a gaming company in Seoul, on a higher function, given the experience he had already accumulated while in Japan.
He hopes that his parents would accept his decision completely as well. When he first mentioned it to his father, he didn't seem to like the idea that much, but within weeks, he proposed to Jungkook to go back home for a while, as long as he will pay for a new apartment himself. It was Jungkook's plan to begin with, so he made a pact with him, and now he is looking forward to the course of events ahead.
-
Jungkook left in the middle of spring, and came back at the beginning of the season, with a cheerful smile and determination.
-
"Thanks for having me over, Yoongi," Jungkook opens his arms wide open as soon as he enters Yoongi's apartment for the first time. Seeing him was the first thing on his "to-do" list, besides, obviously, meeting his parents.
Yoongi replies to his tight embrace inviting him inside, letting him know that Jimin was working at the moment, so they were alone.
"You look damn good, Guk. Look at your face, Japan almost turned you into a model." Yoongi comments while emerging from his kitchen with two beers and bringing them to his living room.
Jungkook inspects the apartment shortly since he hasn't visited after Jimin and Yoongi moved in together, impressed by the way both of the two managed to put their imprints on the style of their home.
The walls and furniture are white, creating a spacious sensation to the eyes. Even the couch and the twin armchairs are covered in a milky color, but in contrast, the walls are covered in colored pictures and paintings, mostly illustrating the two of them, Yoongi alone, or just Jimin dancing.
The pictures on the wall get his attention, so Jungkook walks closer to them, examining the pair.
They seem happy. Jungkook loves it.
Approaching a particular corner of the room where it seemed to be more Jimin pictures than Yoongi ones, Jungkook's heart skips a bit, freezing him in one place. His eyes fall on a picture illustrating Jimin and Taehyung, hugging and laughing, as if they had no care in the world.
Taehyung's smile is dazzling, as always, exactly the way Jungkook remembers it. He tries to shake the image off his mind, not to ruin the mood he was in. Having the chance to meet his best friend after so much time was very important to him.
Jungkook hears Yoongi approaching, not saying anything, giving him the space to process whatever his mind was lost in.
Minutes later, Jungkook takes a seat on the couch, opening the beer can and taking a huge gulp.
Jungkook forgets about Taehyung and his old memories as he starts talking to Yoongi, catching up on the adventures they didn't manage to talk about during their online conversations.
They laugh and share jokes, making Jungkook thankful for the chance he was given to have such a good friend as Yoongi.
Yoongi has always been a close friend to Jungkook, but since moving to Japan, he was the only one who checked up on Jungkook daily, who spent hours on end with him on audio calls, to play games and keep him company, to help him forget he was far from home and alone.
By the time they reach their third can of beer, both of them are a bit tipsy, and they start approaching more sensitive subjects.
Yoongi looks melancholic, watching Jungkook with brotherly love and sympathy.
"Guk... I think I should tell you something... about Taehyung." Yoongi murmurs, making Jungkook almost miss his words.
Not sure if he wants to hear it, Jungkook opens another beer, focusing on the taste for a few moments. The taste of Korean beer was truly incomparable. It feels delicious on his tongue. "Why now?"
"Because you are back, I guess, and things have changed. Whether you want or not, at some point you will meet him. It might be sooner than you imagine. He is Jimin's best friend after all, we spend a lot of time together." Yoongi opens another beer as well, then takes a seat on the armchair closer to Jungkook, as if he was about to share a secret with him. "If you don't want to hear it, you don't have to. We can talk about it anytime, I've missed you a lot, if you wish, we can leave this subject for another time."
"Nah, 's fine. You can tell me, after all, I am a bit curious about it, not gonna lie."
Yoongi nods and takes a break from talking. It can only make Jungkook wonder. If Yoongi wants to mention it then it has to be essential.
"I don't know how much you talked to him after you left, but I feel like you should know this. If you meet him, which might be sooner or later, you will want to know why he is... the way he is. He might seem distant, 'you know? I don't want you two to have an argument or something, just... He needs time." Yoongi's voice is calm and soothing for Jungkook, but his words make him sad more than anything,
"What happened?"
"From what I know... he went through... a lot to come to terms that you were not coming back. I am sorry that I couldn't be there for him at the time, but Jimin was, and he was worried for his best friend all the time."
Jungkook's expression morphs, dejection on display. All this time, he knew Taehyung lied that he was fine, but didn't try to cheer him up. He was afraid to hear the truth.
Jungkook didn't fight for Taehyung when he had the chance. He gave up sooner than he intended, running away from the suffering their relationship could have brought. "He always lied to me, telling me he was alright, you know?" He talks with remorse and regret because it is hard not to wonder.
Would it be different if he tried to fight for him?
"I was aware of that." Yoongi sighs. "I remember the day when he decided to put an end to it like it was yesterday. He called Jimin while we were on a date, with worry in his eyes Jimin ran to him. All I know is that he stopped talking to you ever since. Jimin told me later on that the pressure of the "friendship" was suffocating. He wanted to end it for the sake of both of you." He places a hand on Jungkook's shoulder, a comforting smile on his face. "Jungkook, Taehyung loved you, all I want you to know with this is that you made him happy. He doesn't hate you. It wasn't your fault. I hope you don't blame yourself. "
"Thank you for telling me this, Yoongi. I won't try to ask him. I didn't come back for him, actually... I don't think that meeting him is necessarily a good idea. At least for now."
"Figured." Yoongi winked. "I'm glad I managed to tell you this face to face before any type of misunderstanding slides in."
"Deep inside my heart... I knew it. But he wanted to pretend everything was alright. I played along... Until one day, he just cut off all of our ties... it broke my heart, but I accepted it without fighting back. I'm not saying that I could have done anything to save the situation, but even if I could, I didn't try."
"Jungkook, at the time, it was the best decision for you to take. And we are past that. No need to make you sad now." Yoongi almost ruffles Jungkook's hair but stops his hand mid-way when he realizes that Jungkook's hairstyle was a masterpiece and it wasn't worth ruining it. Jungkook giggles at that.
"Thanks, hyung." Jungkook smiles, deciding it wasn't the time to dwell on the past.
It feels amazing to be at home, especially when Jungkook had his best friend at his side.