PLAY THE SONG ON THE SIDE NOW FOR MORE FEELS! Sorry I am really bad at writing and had a mind blank so yeah. Sorry. And sorry its short.
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It has been 9 weeks since Harry and I started to tick items of our 'relationship list'. We finished every last item except item number 10; dying together.
This list was meant to strengthen our relationship, make us stronger as lovers. But in the last couple of weeks Harry has been distant. When I questioned him about it he just said he was "tired from interviews".
As part of the promotion of their new album we all had to fly to America. This is where this got really bad. Harry became distant from the whole group, only talking to them during television appearances. He put this down to jet lag.
Our list was made to keep us together in our dying days, now I don't even know where I stand.
Right now I am sitting in my window seat drinking tea, rugged in Harry's jumper that's two sizes to big for me; gazing out onto the city of love. Paris. Instead of enjoying it with my significant other, Harry, I am alone and he is doing the exact same. He hasn't let anyone in, even One Directions producer. The boys had to make excuses for him, explaining that he had food poisoning.
I can't even count how many times I have tried to get in his room.
I set my cup down on the window sill and wrap my arms around my legs, resting my chin on my knees.
One last time, I thought. I will try one last time. After that I will give him space. Space to himself.
Sighing, I walked out of my hotel room towards Harry's. I knock once. Nothing. I knocked twice. The same response.
"Harry it's me," I say pausing to see if he would respond. Still nothing. "Please let me in Harry."
After no response I sit down on the carpeted floor resting my back on the hotel rooms door. I let my head fall back, making a loud thud.
"I'm not leaving until you open this door."
My watch read 7:49. I have been sitting outside Harry's room for 3 hours, 46 minutes and counting. So far I have been met by the same response with all my pleading; silence. The boys had found me sitting her and gave me a blanket and a pillow along with eating dinner on the floor with me. They all said I was crazy because he was never going to let me in, but you never give up on someone so I stayed.
"Don't stay out here all night." said Zayn, with a worried expression written all over his face.
"You need to get sleep in a comfortable bed." agreed Niall.
"It's not comfortable alone." I said. They all nodded and left without another word.
Harry has to be hungry, he will need to get food and I know he doesn't have any in his room as we were meant to be eating out every night but he however got room service. I would usually hear them knocking at 8; 11 more minutes.
Twitter was flooding with tweets to Harry, all wishing him well.
7 minutes.
Tumblr was flooded with gifs of the boys from interviews.
2 minutes.
The elevator chimed and the door slid open. A man in the hotels uniform walked out, pulling a cart full of food behind him. He looked at a piece of paper in his hand before looking up at the numbers. He turned this way and I got up, before walking towards him.
"Is this for Harry Styles?" I whispered.
He nodded his head.
"Can I please hide in the cart? Please?"
"I will call security." he spoke with a thick french accent while he reached for his walkie talkie.
I stopped him, my hand on his. "I'm Nevaeh Malik. His girlfriend."
"I'm sorry miss. I can't let you in. Harry's orders."
I folded my arms over my chest. "Fine. Tell me I love him."
"Will do."
My body wanted me to strangle this man but my brain had a better idea. I waved goodbye to him before walking off. After a few seconds I turned around and quietly sneaked back to the trolley. Without the man realising, I swiftly got myself inside the trolleys center which was covered by a white sheet. There was bearly enough room to fit let alone breath but I kept quiet knowing I wouldn't be stuck here for long. The man knocked on the door.
"Room service."
There was shuffling behind the wooden object.
"Is a girl out there?" I heard Harry say.
His voice. It was horse and not as vibrant as usually. I hadn't heard his voice in so long that my eyes began to tear up.
"No sir."
More noises could be heard as he unlatched the door. It swung open and the cart began to lurched forward in motion. He stopped after the door closed.
The man lifted up the metal covering of the food, "Croque Monsieur and Madame."
I peaked out of the sheet. The cart was near the bed. I peaked out the other side and saw Harry looking out the window. I took this opportunity to crawl out of the tiny space of the cart and under the surprisingly spacish bed. Made it.
The cart was rolled out again when the man realised there was no chance of a reply or tip.
"Bon appetit." he finally said.
As the door clicked closed I shuffled around so I was now facing the end of the bed, looking at Harry's feet.
His face flashed in my head from the quick glance moments ago. He was unshaven, hair a mess. Bags were evident under his usually sparkling green eyes, which was now replaced with lifeless ones. I couldn't stop my own eyes from tearing up even more.
"I know you're there, Nev." came his voice.
I crawled out from the bed and stood in front of him. He wasn't looking at me instead eating his grilled sandwich. I guess Croque Monsieur and Madame wasn't something fancy after all. Hugging myself I took in his appearance. He was wearing a jumper and track suit pants.
"Why?" I quietly spoke.
He lifted his gaze, boring into my soul, "Why what?" He spoke in between mouthfuls.
I sat down next to him on the bed. His room had a nicer view than mine as he had an enormous window.
"No wonder you don't want to leave." I muttered. "Why have you been ignoring everyone and shutting us all out?"
He just shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't you care about us anymore?" I quietly added.
He finished his food, wiped his hands and wheeled the cart outside his hotel room. He sat back down but this time facing me. His hands reached for mine and I let them.
"I didn't want to lose you." he replied before looking at our hands which were now entwined.
I reached up and lifted his chin so we were making eye contact. "You will never lose me." I moved closer, closing the distance. "You are my everything Harry." My lips touched his.
My forehead rested on his, our eyes center meters from each other.
"People leave me Nev. My whole life people have left me. My dad left me, everyone."
We both were tearing up.
"I'm sorry for that." I gave him one last kiss before giving distance between us again. "But you have to realise I'm not like everyone else." I sighed.
Removing my hands from his I made my way to the window.
"You know how hard it is?"
"What is?" he questioned.
"Seeing you everywhere; on the TV, posters, hearing you on the radio. Yet I haven't seen or heard you since we got here." I turned around and Harry was right in front of me wrapping me into a hug.
He rested his chin on my head, "I couldn't deal with it all. I needed time for thinking..."
"You shut everyone out. I was worried sick. Scarred that you might do something because you were kept in this room all by yourself."
Silence.
I lent back, "Tell me you weren't going to do anything!" I yelled.
He avoided my gaze.
"Ha.." my throat froze up from the tears that were falling.
My knees gave way and I fell to the floor. Sobbing. He thought of something. Cutting or worse killing himself. I knew I shouldn't have left him be alone for so long. I knew it. I wiped my face and stood up. He was just standing there frozen. I walked to the window and unlatched it. Sliding the window open the cold air hit me. Paris. City streets were busy with people, cars on the road and the Eiffel Tower far in the background. The view was breath taking.
I swung one leg over the sill, balancing between the street below and the hotel floor. We were on the 23th floor, the drop was enormous. His hand grabbed mine.
"What are you doing?!" he yelled, trying to pull me in.
"Isn't this what you want?" I yelled, my face was streaked by tears mirrorred with Harry's.
"No!" he pulled me again. But I held on. "Please stop!"
"Number 10."
"What?"
"Die together. Harry if you die, I die."
He was silent for a second, his eyes searching mine. Letting go of my hand, he moved closer to the window.
Both my legs were now dangling of the edge. Harry mimicked my actions. Our hands were together again. I looked at him observing his emotion. His face was facing the sky, eyes closed. The tears were flowing fast.
"Harry.." I spoke quietly.
"I thought about this moment so many times. Replying it in my head." he sniffed. "Hanging myself, gun, bleeding to death. But I couldn't go through with it."
"This would be the way to go. Paris."
"I can't do it either. You can't die!"
"And neither can you."
We made our way safely back inside, embracing each other after such a moment.
"So many people care about you. So many people would be devastated if you died."
"My fans would soon forget about me, move on to another bandmember or band."
"No Harry. Louis, Liam, Niall, Zayn, your mom, your sister, Paul and the list continues. You have an impact on these lives as well as your fans."
"I need help."
"You can get help all you have to do is ask. Ask and you shall receive."
"The media will find out and everything will fall apart and get worse..." he mumbled.
"I can help you. Your friends can help you."
"They can't know either."
"Then I can't help you. You can't keep this all bottled up! Look how supported they were of me, Harry. They really do care about you. I care about you."
He kissed me.
"I love you."
"I love you too." he responded.
"I'm ready."
He searched my face before understanding what I meant.
"Are you sure?"
"I have never loved you more than I have at this moment. I'm sure."
I led him towards the bed.