I don't know how to compensate for my absence so here's a loooooong update ;)
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"I want to have a baby" A sentence that shocked Manik to core.
"What- bab-baby?" Manik turned around and asked to see Nandini nodding with a big smile on her face.
"Sahab,college bandh karni hai" before Manik could say something,the security guard came and Manik nodded before starting to walk out,Nandini followed him.
-
"Are you going to ignore this?" Nandini asked as they entered Malhotra Mansion.
Manik played loud music all the way up till home to avoid any conversation with Nandini.
"This is so sudden Nandini,I mean-" Manik couldn't complete the sentence as he couldn't find correct words.
"I am not saying we need to start trying right now Manik but I just want to know your thoughts about it" Nandini argued.
"I have no thoughts about it Nandini. We're still young, we've plenty of time for ourselves and to plan a child and moreover I just- I never thought of having a child" Manik kept dropping bombs on Nandini with every word he spoke.
"Never thought of having a kid?" Nandini asked,shocked.
"No. Never did. Yes,there were always mentions about having a child or what would it be to have a child but I have never thought of it seriously and I don't think I'm ready to be a Dad. It's a huge responsibility to bring an entire human into this world, Nandini" Manik said.
"Manik. I always thought that you wanted a child because of the way you spoke about kids and you love kids" Nandini said.
"Yes,I love kids. Kids who are not mine. Bacche dusro ke ache hi lagte hai Nandini, Apna bacha paida karna aur usko bada karna is bigger than you think it is-"
"I know how big it is Manik but I am not saying we need to have a child right away, whenever you're ready. Whenever you want but you need to tell me that you will want it someday Manik" Nandini said,tearing up.
"I don't know Nandini" He said. It broke something in Nandini. She never thought for this to be reaction.
Manik walked out leaving a shattered Nandini behind. Nandini slept on the bed with tears shining in her eyes.
It felt disgusting that the man that she loved the most didn't want to have a child with her.
After some minutes of venting out,she decided to go to her husband.
-
Manik was on the terrace. Looking up at the stars gave him peace and sometimes,he looked for answers in them. Answers to the questions that seemed messy and tough.
He wanted a child. Always. With Nandini. Always. But was he ready for it? Was it going to change their lives? It was going to impact their lives largely and was he ready to do that?
He sipped on his beer. He realized he had been drinking alot these days.
"Manik" Nandini's voice stopped him while he was taking a sip of his beer.
"Alcohol isn't the only way of letting out your frustration,talking it out helps too" She sounded pissed. She hated how frequently he was drinking these days.
Manik continued sipping on his drink. Nandini and Manik shared a relationship where they always expressed their displeasure over things the other person did that they don't like but they never tried to control each other. They never tried to parent each other and limited themselves to being the partners. Just how it should be.
Nandini sat besides him wrapping her arm around him.
"Don't" He said and shoved her hands away but she remained firm.
"Nandini please" He drank another sip and held her hands away from him.
"Leave. Jao so jao" He whispered taking another sip and got up.
Nandini got up as well.
"Why are you angry with me?" Nandini asked even she knew the answer. She went to him as he sipped another sip from the drink.
"Nandini. Just leave man, please. Just fuck off" Manik said as he finally kept the bottle aside. Nandini immediately took the bottle and kept it away taking the chance.
"Don't curse" Nandini whispered as she kept her head on his chest holding his hands that were on the side.
"Nandini" Manik whispered again slightly pushing her to go away.
"are you angry with me because YOU shouted at me and now you're regretting it? Because you wanted to say so much but are not able to? Because you're an idiot who can't deal with emotions. Except when it's anger. Anger you can show very well" She said the last line sarcastically.
"I'm not angry with you or me or anybody else" Manik said turning away from Nandini.
Nandini wrapped her arms around him from the back. Manik took a deep breath.
"I wish I never fell in love" Manik said. Nandini closed her eyes as she heard him say that.
"Why?" She wanted him to let it all out even if it meant her getting hurt. She wanted him to feel light.
Today felt very unlike Manik and Nandini. Manik never behaved this way and Nandini never tolerated this behaviour.
"Because I suck at all this. I suck at feeling things. I suck at commitments" He said in his calmest tone.
Nandini rubbed her hand on his back with her one still wrapped around him.
She knew he was guilty of shouting at her but saying sorry about it didn't come naturally to him. She wanted a child. With him. She had dreamt it for forever but if that meant that they'd fall apart like this,she didn't want it.
"Fine. Let's never have a child" Nandini said as she let go off her hold on him.
Manik turned around alarmed at the loss of her physical touch on him.
He turned around to see how angry she must be but he saw her warmly smiling at him. He felt totally unworthy of having her in that moment.
He gulped a lump in his throat.
"Are you going to leave me, just like Aliya did because I can't commit--" Manik couldn't complete. It scared him. He could see the history repeating itself.
"Manik malhotra, you're going to die alone"
"Manik, you've severe commitment issues"
"No girl will ever want to be with you"
They were kids when they broke up, Manik and Aliya. But some things can't be forgotten. The break up was mutual but the sentences said to him in fights haunted him to this day.
"No. Why will I leave you?" Nandini asked smiling softly,holding his bicep.
He kept looking at her without saying anything.
"Do you also think I am dominating and that I always need complete control over everything?" Manik asked voicing out another insecurity of his.
"Do you think so?" Nandini asked back. Manik looked into her eyes intently.
He needed her to tell him that she didn't think that. He didn't want to come across as someone who made decision in the relationship but it always ended up looking like it.
Right now,he was doing something like it. He realized.
"I am not- not dominating" Manik said. He didn't know if he was trying to convince himself or Nandini.
And he hated how Nandini was taking his anger so graciously. He wanted her to shout on him and tell him to behave properly but she was just standing there listening to all sorts of shit he was blurting out.
"Just leave Nandini, please. Apne ghar jao" Manik was blurting out things he didn't even mean.
"Main apne ghar pe hi huh" Nandini said as she sat there trying to gather herself. This was getting too much for her to bear.
She knew he didn't mean what he was saying but it was hurtful nonetheless.
It hurted her to see the man she loves this way,so emotional messed up.
And as she analysed past 3-4 weeks of their life,they had been fighting more often than not. They were arguing over little-st of things. It's not like their opinions clashing and their point of views not matching was something new to them, they've always had difference of opinions and they'd always talk it out and agree to disagree eventually.
But it hurted her to know how they had only been fighting for over a month. She felt helpless.
"this is what happens. this is all that happens eventually when you fall in love. this is always the end result. fights and hurt. that is all" Manik said.
Her silence bothered him. He couldn't understand why she was so quiet and why wasn't she fighting back. He needed her to react,to show him his place but he was choosing a wrong way for it.
He was going through shit loads of emotions at the same time. It also frustrated him that they had been fighting and only fighting over anything and everything. The only solution he could think of was that he shouldn't have fallen in love and none of this would be happening.
Nandini got up,she had had enough. She didn't want to shout on him. It physically pained her to see them falling apart.
"You are right. We shouldn't have a child. Why would we want to bring a child in this world when his own parents are so fucking messed up" Nandini said bitterly. It took a toll on her to be the mature one in this fight.
Manik knew how serious it was if she used a cuss word.
"Mera dil nahi chalta hai aese ki mein itni hurtful baatein bolu ya tumse gandi tarah pesh aau. You know why? Because I love you. And my love for you stops me from saying hurtful things but-" She was cut off.
"You spoke enough hurtful things when you were in the hospital Nandini. Enough hurtful things" Manik said chuckling sarcastically.
"Stop trying to prove that you're the running force of this relationship" He added. This was exactly why Nandini would calm down when Manik would be angry because when both of them are angry, who's going to solve the problem? It's just going to lead to more fights and arguments.
But how long is she supposed to be calm and composed when he doesn't even try to calm his anger down.
"I never said that I'm the running force of this relationship Manik. It was Cabir who said that once and it was all said in fun. Don't bring that up right now" Nandini said knowing very well how hurt he was when Cabir had said that she was the one who kept this relationship going.
"But was he wrong? So many times,when your anger could've easily ruined us,I stopped myself from letting us get ruined" Nandini said and that was it for Manik. It hurt him. Directly into his heart.
He just felt like everything that happened with Aliya was repeating itself.
"And I am not Aliya. And you're not THAT Manik. I'm not going to leave you because your ex girlfriend thought that you were dominating or whatever. I wish I didn't love you so much so I could walk off easily from this fight the moment you told me to go to my house. I wish. " Nandini said as she walked out handing him the beer bottle again. If that gave him peace than so be it.
♡
Manik entered their room an hour later only to find Nandini reading a book. He expected her to sleep. Her eyes that usually spoke volumes were empty. She didn't look up but knew he was there.
"I didn't mean it when I said ki apne ghar jao" Manik said with a tinge of guilt wrapped in his voice.
That was all he regretted? Of all the things he told her,only this was the one that he thought hurted her the most?
"Okay" Nandini said. It pissed Manik off that she wasn't reacting,was silent or was only giving one word answers.
He wanted her to be angry at him and tell him how badly he behaved. He was used to it and he loved it. Her not reacting gave him a feeling that she didn't care anymore.
Manik felt defeated in that very moment. He couldn't lose her.
"Kuch bologi nahi?" Manik didn't know what to say that will make her speak to him.
Nandini nodded in a no,reading her book intently.
"Enough Nandini" Manik said. She knew he needed her right now and she was still doing this.
"Enough what Manik?" Nandini said loudly. Manik was taken aback by her tone. Nandini got up and threw her book in some particular direction.
"Yeh tumhe peace deta hai na? Yeh chize idhar udhar fekna? Let me try it" Nandini said as he took another book on the table and threw it in no particular direction.
It pained Manik to see what damage he did to her today. He could only see what she was doing.
She picked up a glass full of water and threw it towards their balcony. It shattered making a noise perfectly depicting how Nandini's heart had shattered today.
"Nandini" Manik said slowly,taking a step towards her.
Nandini picked a glass water bottle and threw that near her leg.
"Nandini,lag jayega" Manik raised his voice out of concern as he held her by her elbow trying to make sure she didn't step on the glass peace.
"Tumne chize todte the gusse mein tab tak thik tha Manik,abb toh tum dil bhi todne lage" Nandini said helplessly and Manik's face shot up at her as he still held onto her pushing the glass pieces away from her feet.
"Kuch nahi huaa" Manik said it out loud for both of them.
"Pani laata huh. Betho" He said as he made a shivering teary Nandini sit on the bed. He picked up some glass pieces and threw them in the dustbin.
He went towards across their room where there was another glass of water and bottle.
Nandini got up as she felt guilty of throwing things around like that.
She picked up the glass pieces one by one.
"It's okay. Hota hai kabhi kabhi" Manik said as he kept his hand on her head ruffling her hair a little forwarding the glass of water to her.
She didn't take it. "Ek rishte mein do Manik ho gaye toh kaise chalega?" He said sitting opposite her on the floor.
"Ek Nandini bhi honi chaiye na,jo haath pakad ke samjhaye ki kya galat hai aur kya sahi" He added. Nandini listened to him like a child with tears and innocence in her eyes.
"You know why I don't want a child?" Manik said. They needed to talk about it.
"Because I don't want to share you" He said. "I'm afraid that you'll be more of a mother and less of a wife once the baby comes,like I've seen with my mom" He said.
"I'm not saying I never want a child. Ofcourse I do. But I want you more,all for myself. For a couple of years more. Call me selfish or whatever" He said looking away.
Tears rolled down Nandini's eyes at how vulnerable he looked. He didn't look like a 28 year old man anymore but a child,a vulnerable child.
"Ofcourse I want a baby. A baby girl. Like I always say. Or a baby boy. I don't care about that but I do want a baby, our baby" He said and Nandini smiled slightly.
"This conversation seemed very abrupt and I didn't know how to react when you suddenly asked me about it." He said trying to find words for his emotions.
Nandini scooted closer to him and rubbed his leg. He was in more pain than she was.
"The reason why I said I didn't ever want to fall in love is because I've fallen in love very badly. With you. And it scares me. It scares me that I'm going to do something that will make you hate me. It scares me that I will lose you someday. I never wanted to fall for anyone so much that taking a breath without them around feels like a waste of oxygen" Manik said making no sense in the last line and chuckled at how cheesy it sounded.
Nandini's lips carved into a biggest smile at his attempt to somehow get science in the dynamic for her. She chuckled at it.
"I love you" Nandini said kissing his knee and later wrapping her arms around that leg keeping her head on it.
"The way you are" She added to her I love you. She did love him the way he was and she'd not change a thing.
"I'll try to control what happened today. I'll try my best that I never get so angry" He said and she smiled on his knee. He usually realized his mistake and she loved that about him.
"Did Aliya tell you that you were controlling?" Nandini asked.
"It was one of the things in that list" Manik laughed. It pained Nandini that he had to go through a list of the things why nobody would be with him but she didn't blame aliya for it. People say alot of shit in anger.
"There was a list? Omg. Was 'never fills the water bottle and keeps it on the kitchen platform after drinking from it' on the list?" Nandini tried to joke and Manik could only laugh at her attempt to make him smile.
"No. But you should call her and ask for the list, you'd probably agree to 95% of that list after everything that happened today" He said with a smile but hurt visible in his eyes.
Nandini tch-ed at his words.
"I don't need any list that points out my husband's flaws, that's for him and me to know and deal with" Nandini said holding his leg tighter than ever.
"Next time,if I ever talk to you like this. You can punish me by talking about science and experiments for half an hour straight" Manik said and Nandini smiled for two seconds only to realize he made fun of her.
"Such an ass" She said pulling his hair.
"I hate you" She said pulling onto them more. Manik laughed.
"You know what I will call her for that list and tell her to add some more points to it. Just wait" Nandini said as she threw a pillow at her husband who got out of her hold.
This is how Manik and Nandini were. They'd be fighting for their relationship one moment and than they'd be laughing at the same thing the next moment.
Cabir was right when he said that one should never take MaNan fights seriously.
There were no sorry(s) exchanged between them. There was water on the sofa and glass pieces all around the room. Books were thrown and bedsheets were messed up but all they cared about was each other. They sat in the little place amidst the glasses and solved it all. So many things were left unsolved and undiscussed but they didn't care.
Rarely,they could be broken apart. Otherwise they always stood strong, against anything and everything.
You can't have it all, always but; together- they could have it all.
🪄
I hope this was compensation enough?🥺💕
Happy Diwali Week, y'all!✨