the girl glanced at her phone . every single day . not a single message from those she once loved and from those who promised to text back . whenever she would dissapear they all popped up from nowhere like jelly sticks being squeezed out of the tube . when she returned to her phone , everyone suddenly left . they made new friends , leaving her alone and sad . the ones who did stay would talk to her , but she would never reply , still caught up on the people who did leave . the ones who left would be stuck in her mind 24 / 7 and the ones who stayed would stay in the back of her throat . she loved making new friends , despite how awkward she was . the new friends were amazing but the fear of them abandoning her would make her shiver and tremble and squirm in her bed . she would lie in bed , not wanting to wake up . she relied on the tv screen and people that would never acknowledge her existence just to feel better . she used videos made by other people to comfort herself . she listened to music with earbuds shoved deep into her ear to the point her ear was swollen because it comforted her . she didn ' t want to spend time with her siblings because they never shared the same interests . the older sibling claims to lover her but never shows it . she ' s so fucking stubborn and doesn ' t agree with anything . the people who made promises broke them because of other people . the people who were here from the beginning left as soon as she changed the way she did things . changed the way she dressed and changed the way she was perceived on the internet . she feared rejection , heartbreak , and abandonment because the people who she met were always the same . she feared telling her parents because they ' re already stressed . the siblings that she was supposed to rely on stay on their phones 24 / 7 and wouldn ' t talk unless you joined the same server . one wouldn ' t talk at all . the friends she once loved and enjoyed now sit on read or delievered because she was too damn tired . she feared everything and everyone and she couldn ' t do anything about it . she tried too hard and gives up too easily . she can ' t choose one idea and fears the outcome of both . mood swings are a big problem , one second she loves talking to everyone and the second she wants to die and curl up in a hole . one second she ' s mad and agitated and the next she wants hugs and love and affection she can never recieve . the only thing keeping her sanity was the spotify ads that popped up , giving her a reality check whenever she was acting scenes out , acting out lives in other realities that she would never be able to witness . she prayed hard to God but she feared He would ignore her . although it states we are always on His mind , she still lived in fear . she feared going and talking to people and had a hard time saying no . she could never ask a question in class due to the fear of looking stupid . she aims for a goal every single time her fingers jumped from key to key to write a story . she compared herself to others because she fears to never be as great as them . she memorizes things she shouldn ' t be because they give her joy . she hugs a pillow and pretends to be hugging someone that doesn ' t even exist . she needs help , but she fears looking weak . all these things were something she was going through at such a young age . although people won ' t see this , i ' m done . i don ' t want people to care for me anymore . i ' ll dissapear and no one notices . i might quit . i might start . i might just break my sanity . if you do see this , i ' m sorry . ilygsm and i hope i can become better .
i ' m sorry again , but i can ' t stop feeling this way . this isn ' t a goodbye , this is an apology . i won ' t commit to anything stupid anymore but i won ' t commit at all . i won ' t do anything stupid and although i feel like doing it i can ' t . so i ' m sorry and to the people who left , i miss you , despite you leaving me . you ' ll always have a special place in my heart despite you breaking it . i ' m sorry for not being good enough to the point you left me . i hope you 're living the good life ok ? and to the people still here with me , i hope tou ' re okay and i ' m sorry you have to deal with my bullcrap . and to the girl i made a promise for free hentai pics , i ' m sorry i never finished what you asked me to finish , it ' s just uncomfortable of me to do it .
i ' m sorry again and i hope no one can go through the things i am .
with love - a person the same age
as ciel phantomhive and ray . ♡