A/N: surprise. missed you all.
betawork done by my usual suspects (lost.poetx, LeilahMoon) – and a thank you to malf0y101. so much love to all of you.
xoxo,
carm
CW/TW: panic attacks occur in the third and fourth sections.
-
Jealousy was not an emotion that Draco was intimately acquainted with. He'd never wanted for anything. What his name couldn't secure for him, his money could. He'd learned early on that everyone had a price, and everyone could be bought.
However, that didn't really come in handy when the person he was jealous of had no idea. Also, Draco didn't think they would care all that much either. None of this was going according to plan.
That thought stopped him in his tracks as he tipped the remainder of the drink into his mouth and swallowed hard. Plan? What plan? He'd never had a plan – besides hoping to make his way through eighth year (mostly) unscathed, and then fucking off to Europe with what was left of his wealth. There was no 'plan'. He slammed the drink down onto the table in front of him, hard enough to where he thought – for a second – that it might shatter. He jumped to his feet and started pacing.
Granger – Hermione – was never supposed to be a part of this. Was never supposed to be roped into his pathetic longing. But she just had to go and concoct this scheme to get to the bottom of the mindless drivel that was going through the school.
So it was safe to say that he was completely shocked when the white heat that was jealousy seared through him, singeing his veins and leaching into his blood by way of his aching heart. He felt it in the way that it tensed his muscles and caused his breath to catch. That was an entire flood of new emotions that he couldn't – didn't – even want to begin processing.
Heaving a shaky breath, he ran his hand through his already disheveled hair. His pacing had almost certainly worn a trail into the rug that covered their floor, and he was hoping that it would disappear, thus hiding his brief lapse in certainty.
The emotions coursing through him needed some kind of a channel. They were hopelessly swirling, bubbling up and around, dancing in between his cells until he was certain they would bond with the atoms inside of him and alter him forever.
It got so intense, burned so brightly that he could feel it morphing into rage. Now this, this was something he was at least familiar with. Usually, it was directed at Lucius – so having it seek another target was a new experience.
Nott.
Of course. Theo was the obvious choice, what with not only being his best friend, but also shagging Granger. Weren't your closest friends supposed to notice when you stare at someone too long? When the air shifts as they watch someone walk into the room? When they start noticing things and posing entirely new rhetorical questions? It was official – Theo was a horrible friend.
And on top of that, he didn't even bother using a silencing charm? It was a simple courtesy, a favor, but it would have saved him so much agony.
He wanted to be the one to find out what she sounded like when she came.
He wanted to be the one to pull those pretty sounds from her.
A shudder overtook his body, knocking some adrenaline loose. His heart sped up, his blood felt hot, and he was almost certain that he'd find his pupils blown wide and cheeks flushed if he looked.
Draco's eyes flashed towards the door.
Did he go after Theo? Propose a deal of some kind to get him to back off? Or just throw caution to the wind and sock him in the face? There were so many options, and he wasn't sure which was the best option – or even if there was a best option.
His mind was speeding, racing against his heartbeat over who could drive him to madness quicker and most effectively.
Draco froze his pacing and snapped his head to the left as he heard the soft click of Granger's bedroom door. He looked at her as she entered the common room, realizing one second too late that he'd been staring at her without saying anything.
He quickly cleared his throat and muttered a quick, "Granger."
"I'm– going to see Theo," she said. "Not like I have to tell you or anything, I just–"
Speak of the fucking devil. "Have fun," he teased, aiming for light and missing by a long shot. Instead, it sounded as if he were the captain of a sinking ship, gravely informing the passengers of their impending demise.
Granger was heading towards the door. "Okay, well I'm just– gonna go," she said awkwardly.
"Yep. Bye," Draco said, keeping his eyes on her back as she scooted out of the room, and averting his gaze as she turned to look at him strangely on her way out.
He huffed out a breath, immediately turning and collapsing into one of the chairs. The swell of emotions came crashing together at once, and it was all too much.
Dragging his hand slowly down his face, he let out one low oath to capture how he was feeling.
"Fuck."
He seemed to be saying that a lot lately.
-
"Hey," Hermione huffed as she ungracefully plopped down onto Theo's bed.
Theo eyed her warily, as if he could immediately tell that she had something on her mind. "What's up with you?"
Hermione hesitated. "Draco's acting... odd," she said, grimacing as she thought back on his out of character behavior when she'd left their dorm. He looked flustered, flushed – if she had to guess, it looked like he was unsure of something.
It had thrown her for a loop. Draco Malfoy was a man who always, always knew what he wanted and how to get it. If he thought that something was out of his reach, it stood to reason that it was something entirely other and unattainable.
For reasons that she did not want to consider nor analyze at this moment, something in her stomach twisted.
"Hmm," Theo's musing snapped her out of her reverie. "What kind of odd?"
"Just... different. Nervous, maybe? I couldn't really pinpoint it," she said, shifting in her seat as she thought back to the expression on his face, the heat of his eyes on her back as she retreated from the room.
"Interesting," Theo said in response. "Wonder what it could be about." But the way his eyes glittered told Hermione that he had more than a few ideas. And she was sure that none of them would be any good.
"Spit it out." Hermione narrowed her eyes. "What's going on up there?"
The corner of his lip twitched as he fought a smirk and held up his hands in a surrendering gesture. "You've never seemed concerned about what Draco is feeling before right now. Days after you two decided to concoct an entire scheme centered around a false relationship. The timing just seems a bit coincidental, no?" He quirked an eyebrow, and Hermione's stomach dropped.
"What do you mean by that?" She didn't want to answer any questions and possibly incriminate herself with her words. Until she got a clear understanding, she was going to answer his questions with questions.
Gods, she'd spent far too much time in Slytherin house.
"Well," he drawled. "Maybe you're into method acting."
"How do you even know what that is?" Hermione fired back.
"I pay attention," he snarked. He held her gaze until she narrowed her eyes again. "Okay, fine. I picked up Teen Vogue in a Muggle grocery store checkout line," he muttered. "Don't ask."
Her expression grew incredulous. "Okay... we're definitely going to table that conversation," she said. "But that's not what this is." She shook her head. "This is... not that. I don't know what, but not that," she vehemently refused his accusation.
"It would make sense," he teased. "I wouldn't actually be surprised." He raised his shoulders in a futile attempt at an innocent shrug. "I'm just saying, if – don't give me that look, I said if – he were to ever return your inclinations, I would," he made a sweeping gesture with his hands, "step aside, per se, and bow out. To be nice, of course."
Hermione's jaw dropped. "But you– we," she stuttered.
"I think we can avoid the pseudo-awkwardness that comes with ending these types of... relationships, for lack of a better term," he quipped. "But of course, you have no choice but to stay friends with me and weep over the missing Oxford comma in the newest edition of Hogwarts, a History. After all, someone's gotta keep you two crazy kids in line."
"Shut up," she whined, whacking his arm. "This is not a relevant conversation, and I am older than you," she huffed indignantly.
"Nonsense," he laughed. "I am clearly more mature and wise than you. So your opinion is void and irrelevant."
"Gods, you're so irritating. Why am I friends with you again?" she shot at him.
"I think this entire conversation has been a rather fantastic example, don't you?" he cooed sarcastically.
Hermione huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and wordlessly summoning a wrapped blunt. "I'm done with this conversation." Lighting it and bringing it to her lips in one fluid motion, she felt a devious smirk creeping across her face as she asked, "So, Teen Vogue, huh?"
-
"Alright, so, I say we compile a list of people we should start with. A 'big three' if you will," Draco said as he pointed his wand at the kitchen to start on the salad. Granger snorted at something, but he ignored it and pressed on. "The typical Slytherin tactic is to plant false information and see who cracks. We keep the same story but change one detail and keep track of who we'd given it to." He paused. "I know you may not appreciate the... underhandedness of it all, but if you're hell bent on making this work, there really isn't another option."
To his surprise, she responded well to his plan. "I like that idea. Okay, let's start with... Ginny, Pansy, and... Dean?" Hermione pulled her lip into her mouth, biting on it as she leaned against the counter. "I don't really have a solid third suspect yet, so he's as good as any I suppose." She absentmindedly levitated the finished salad over to their table and doled it out in two portions.
"We tell Weaselette that we met rebuilding the Astronomy Tower, Parkinson in the hospital wing, and Thomas in Ravenclaw Tower," Draco said, scratching it onto a spare piece of parchment and adding it to The Wall.
Hermione got the lasagna out of the oven by hand – a force of habit, he guessed – and brought it over to the table. "Works for me." She shrugged. "Do we do it separately or together?" She cut it into pieces and handed him one.
"I'd say however it comes up in conversation most naturally," Draco mused as he took a bite. His eyebrows shot up in amusement. "Not bad, Granger," he complimented, and he filed her blush away for later analysis. "Anyway, we don't want to make it look weird or out of character." A thought came to him and his eyes snapped to her. "How many people know about you and Theo?" he asked.
"Thanks. And just you. Ginny's always suspected that I had something going on with someone, but now I can just twist it into 'we've had a secret relationship for months'."
"Okay, as long as you're sure it's never come up."
"Positive," she assured him. "We liked to keep it a secret. Made things more exciting that way." A light flush colored her cheeks and she looked away.
"I won't ask," he said in a low voice. "How are your improvisation skills?"
"Are you kidding?" she snorted. "Look at who my best friends are and then look at the last eight years of my life. I think they're pretty well rounded."
"No need to get defensive, Granger." He rolled his eyes. "I have to ask. We've never teamed up on anything before so it's not like I would have any first hand information on what your lying skills are like."
"Well whose fault is that?" she heatedly shot back.
Draco's eyes widened. "Alright, damn Granger. Who pissed in your Pumpkin Juice this morning?"
Hermione slumped back down in her chair, rubbing her eyes. "Well at least we already bicker like an old married couple," she said with a short laugh. When she looked at him again, she had a determined gleam in her eyes that hadn't been there before. "Alright." She nodded. "Let's do this."
And so it began. The lying. The pretending. The game.
The war.
"Yeah, we started dating over the summer," from her, accompanied by an easy blush.
"We were rebuilding the hospital wing and had to work together on a project. One thing led to another and..." from her, paired with a wave of the hand to imply 'you already know what happened next'.
"You could say that Granger and I... get along," from him, coupled with a smirk.
It proceeded like that for a number of days. In hushed voices in the hallways, in the secrecy of Gryffindor Tower, in the Great Hall. Draco and Hermione continued to drop small parts of the story to their three targets.
It was taking a lot out of her. Sure, she'd had to lie to plenty of people before, but it was in pursuit of the Greater Good. She could argue that this was the same scenario, but was it really? Was some gossip really worth all of this trouble? She sighed as she snuck into an alcove and sunk back against the cold stone wall.
So far, Spill the Tea had done nothing but report on harmless, trivial information. Granted, it was annoying, but it wasn't anything monumentally bad. Certainly nothing that required this level of action.
Having to keep parts of their story straight, telling certain people while being so careful to leave everyone else as far in the dark as she could keep them, and not to mention having to concoct fake details about how Malfoy was in bed (she had never wanted to kill Ginny more than during that conversation) was exhausting.
Hermione had thought that she would have given up this part of her life after the war. But it seemed that the practices she'd picked up during that time had become a part of her, something she relied on so heavily that she didn't know how to be without them.
A gasp tore its way from her throat as she realized that her breathing had stopped and then subsequently sped up. Awareness sunk into every cell in her body. Knowing that she felt a panic attack coming on, she got up and flew to her room as fast as she could. Luckily she wasn't far from their dorm, so she got back just in time.
She didn't know how long it lasted this time. It could have been minutes or hours or even years and she wouldn't have known. By the time she raised her head from in between her arms, her eyes were so swollen and her throat so dry, she was sure there was no water left in her body.
Slowly rising to her feet, she cast a few refreshing charms on herself before heading to the door.
To her dismay, Draco was in the common room. "Hey," he said as she entered the room. "Are you alright? I couldn't find you for a while and your room was locked and silenced." The concern was so clearly etched into his face and for some reason, that hurt more.
"I–" she cleared her throat. "I was just taking a nap. Didn't want to be disturbed, you know." She shrugged, averting her eyes yet again.
"Okay," he said, but didn't push the matter. "Hey, I know this seems like a lot, so let me know if you want to bow out, alright? I can't imagine it can be easy for you to be tied to me like this, even if it is fake."
He looked... borderline uncomfortable as he said the words. Like he didn't want to believe them, didn't want to know for a fact that they were undoubtedly true. But he looked exactly like someone who had no other choice but to know they were an indisputable fact, and he hated it.
"Alright," she said, "I will." She wasn't ready to deal with this conversation right now. It would have been far too much for her and she needed to table it for another day. Hermione took a step towards the door, pulling her cloak tighter around herself. "I'm... gonna go see Theo. I have some, uh, questions for him about... a thing."
And with that, she made as an abrupt, awkward exit as she could manage, all but running for her safe place.
-
Draco was having a hell of a day. His emotions had taken him for a ride and all but tossed him off and left him to plunge headfirst into the abyss.
And after all that, to find out that Granger still didn't trust him? That one stung.
The unbelievable swell of emotions was back and he still didn't know how to handle it. Everything he'd been feeling over the past few days had finally caught up to him. It had caught him alone and unaware and it was starting to choke him out. He couldn't catch them, couldn't contain them, and now he was finally left alone with them.
With a gasp, he sank into the chair. There was no choice left but to let everything overtake him. Maybe then it would be satiated.
First, he was hurt that she'd chosen to seek comfort outside of him. Granted, they hadn't been close all that long, but he had thought they'd been making serious progress. Maybe she really did like Theo after all.
It surprised him how much her blatant rejection had stung him.
Second, he knew that his pining was indecent. It was never going to pan out and would inevitably leave him in shambles. That was something he was simply going to have to get past regardless of how much it was going to hurt.
Third, he knew that he needed to go see a mind healer. He knew he was broken. But he was scared to see the true extent of the damage. To really analyze how far he was from feeling normal again.
If the sheer amount of things going on inside his head was any indication, he was continually going one step forward and two steps back.
This train of thought went on while he festered in the silence. Close to when she returned, he felt his brain go numb. His face rectified itself into a cool blank mask. There was no trace of his breakdown left by the time she had walked back in. He looked at her, took in the way her body seemed so small and fragile. The confusion and madness grew into anger. She had left him alone to spiral, and he was going to show her why that had been a bad idea.
He rose to his feet and stalked toward her. "Where have you been?"
"With Theo." She shrank into herself a little, looking confused. "I told you that."
"Were you fucking him again?" he spat out. He took in the way her mouth dropped open and her eyes blew wide.
"What?"
"You heard me. Were you fucking him while you're supposed to be dating me?" he fired back.
"No! Stop it, Malfoy. We were just talking. You're being ridiculous – what's going on with you?" He pointedly ignored the way her voice wavered a little with what seemed like leftover tears.
"Well I just think that if we're supposed to be convincing everyone that we're together then you probably shouldn't be able to be seduced by your old fuckbuddy," he snarked.
"Theo is my friend! You need to stop this right now," she demanded, not willing to let go of her argument.
Draco knew, he knew damn well that he was taking this too far. But the act of antagonizing her was far too familiar, far too comfortable. Although they'd been getting along fine for weeks, the act of poking at her fresh wounds had been such a reliable behavior for so long. Not a good behavior, but one he knew. One he had perfected.
"I'm not having this conversation with you. I refuse." She shook her head, her eyes glistening now. "You're taking this way too far. What on earth happened while I was gone?"
He let out a bitter laugh as he turned to walk away from her, deciding to end the conversation on his terms for once. Shooting her a cold look over his shoulder, he took in her defeated form from across the room. "Nothing you'd be concerned about."
With his back to her, he missed the way she flinched ever so slightly as the door slammed shut behind him.