— Theo —
I HASTILY SCROLLED through the pictures on my phone, my thumb shakily flipped through years of memories as I paced back and forth in my room.
There was a growing bubble of dread forming in the pit of my stomach as I felt the tension of uncovering the truth behind Julian's words. His last words to me before walking away had stolen my breath.
Whether it was because I hadn't expected him to divulge any sort of information about Riley or because I was too caught up in my fury to notice the significance of the girl Riley had punched.
My finger's stilled and a shaky breath lurched tightly out of my nose when I finally came across the picture I had been searching for. My eyes scanned the image for Irena Ford with growing apprehension — searching for a face to put the name with.
It was a picture of Riley's last soccer game of the season last year, they had come out on top after a gruelling match and they had gathered for a team picture. I remembered that match distinctly — Riley had taken a serious fall then and we later learned she had broken her ankle.
Nevertheless, she was adamant that a group photo was taken before she was wheeled off in an ambulance en route to the hospital. So she had centred herself on one steady foot and stood tall and proud in the corner with her hands placed around her teammate's arms for support.
Upon closer inspection, Riley's left arm was leaned against this stocky girl with dyed red hair as blonde peeked out of her roots. She held Riley upright in a friendly manner as a beaming smile graced her thin lips.
She had raised curved eyebrows and a cunning gleam in her hazel brown eyes. Her upturned nose and sharp features made her look like a tiger waiting to pounce on its prey.
With shocking realization, I noticed why Irena Ford was such a familiar name. Not only did Riley play on the same team as her, but she was also one of her first friends in high school. I hadn't recognized her because Riley always referred to her as 'Wren' as a nickname.
Riley was very selective about her choice of friends — she could've joined the large cliques of people at school, yet she has decided to keep a small group of friends. I had asked her about it and she had just shrugged loosely.
"They're just a bunch of town legacies forced to be friends because the generations before them were expected to be friends too. It's all just a front to keep up this town's fucking glorious prestige. "
To her credit — she had a point. Even when I was in high school, those generations of legacies had formed their inner circle and it had become a vicious cycle. They had the influence and the reputation to grip the reins of the school.
Yet, it was definitely an eye-raising moment when Riley had accepted Irena into her small group of friends. Irena Ford — who was a town legacy that owned half the real estate in this town.
I hadn't expected them to get along but they were like two beans in a pod. Together with the third member of their group — Daisy, Elias used to joke that they were like The Three Stooges.
Irena and Riley were not just friends — they were best friends.
So what the fuck happened that made Riley punch her?
I felt my phone slip through my grasp and tumbled freely until it collided harshly against the hardwood floor. The sound reverberated loudly between the four walls of my room and yet I didn't react.
My body simply moved with a mind of its own as my back made contact with the wall and I slowly slid down until my body eased into a sitting position. The door to my room was shut, blocking out the distinct echoing of my brother's voices as they played video games downstairs.
My head felt heavy — the pressure building up inside as I tiredly rested it against the crook of my arm. My gaze trailed blearily around my room as my eyes flickered over framed photos of my family to the stand of trophies pushed into one corner.
They then settled on my desk, where envelopes and files were cluttered on the surface. My shoulder's sagged with exhaustion as I thought about the heaviness of the words on those papers — they ranged from bills to be paid to my signatures for forms from school.
Everything was going too fast and I couldn't catch up — it was like every day I was making life-changing decisions and I had been making the wrong choices. I was failing as an adult and as a guardian.
Maybe if I didn't have to balance a job and all these stacks of bills or all these errands, then I could have the time to really focus on the damaging issues surfacing in our family. But I had been distracted, between working and sleepless nights, I was being stupid.
It was stupid of me to fuel Julian's rage instead of being understanding of the twin's painful past. It was stupid of me to delay that talk I had with April because then my attention had been shifted elsewhere. It was stupid of me to push Nova when she needed comfort instead.
Lately, I have been making a lot of ignorant decisions.
It was naive of me to assume that Riley's friendships would stay standing after everything else had fallen apart. I had been so caught up in my happiness that Riley had supportive friends after reeling from Ma's death, that I had overlooked that maybe it was all a front.
After all, Riley was a master at creating an illusion of the distorted truth. She controlled how everyone perceived into her life with precision.
It was a trait common with Julian — both could cunningly portray a joyful and pain-free life with just a simple smile. Hiding the depth of despair and damage that tore deeply within them.
Maybe I should've learned how to differentiate between the truth and the lie — but I didn't. Just as I had fallen for my ex-girlfriend Diana's false affection, I had fallen for the twin's convincing act.
I might've sat on the cold hard floor for an hour or maybe it was more and I would've stayed in that cramped position the whole night if I had not felt the numbing sensation climbing up my leg from poor blood flow.
With a bone-tired groan, I hauled myself up and decided to check up on the boys downstairs. I willed my fatigue to fade from the tight pull of my face as I replaced it with a relaxed smile.
Downstairs, the three boys sat lazily on our couch as their gaze was trained intensely on the TV screen. With game controllers in their hands and headset's connected, they were fixated on a brutal round that involved flying bullets and exploding grenades.
"Yo Theo, you wanna play with us?" Elias called out, his eyes not straying from the screen.
"No, thanks. I was just getting a drink. Did you guys have dinner already?" I answered as I pulled out a beer from the fridge and popped it open.
"Yeah, we had fried rice and chicken. Rey called you down but you didn't answer. There's a plate for you on the table though." Elias said distractedly.
The plate rested on the white marble countertop and was carefully wrapped with saran wrap alongside an additional plate. Dirty pots and pans were carelessly disregarded as they lay scattered over the stove. Unclean dishes and utensils accompanied the mess as they overflowed in the sink.
I bit the inside of my lip in tired frustration as I picked up a sponge and prepared to clean up this whole mess. "Wait just leave them there T, we'll clean it later," Rey interrupted.
I raised my eyebrow unconvinced as Elias glanced in my direction. "Seriously, we will. Just after this game."
I hesitantly placed the sponge back and cringed slightly at the messy condition of our kitchen. I found it hard to believe that after that game they would get their ass up but I had no energy to argue.
So I grabbed my plate full of vegetable fried rice and bite-sized chicken and picked up some spoon and forks. With confusion, I picked up the second plate of food and held it up in question.
"Riley didn't come down. She hasn't eaten yet," Rey mumbled, clarifying my confusion.
I swallowed apprehensively as I nodded my head. "You guys didn't bring it up to her?"
"She wouldn't even open the door. You should try though," Elias replied stiffly.
I pursed my lips as I focused my gaze on Julian, who had clenched his jaw but didn't participate in the conversation. "She wouldn't even open it for you?"
He avoided my stare but I knew he was listening by the way his shoulders stiffened and the up and down motion of his foot stopped abruptly.
When he didn't formulate a response, it was clear our previous encounter was still fresh in his mind. His body language enough signalled that he was a closed book right now and especially wouldn't speak to me.
Rey tore his gaze from the screen and scanned Julian with worried stares as he nudged him softly. Julian's eyes were an endless swirl of dark waves as he let out an exasperated breathe before meeting my pointed gaze.
"She doesn't want to talk to anyone right now. At least I know when to give her space."
It's clear he's still as mad as he was earlier.
I crossed my arms annoyedly. "When was the last time she ate? She's been stuck in the office since lunch so she hasn't eaten for over eleven hours. I'll just go give it to her."
"When she slams the door in your face, don't come to me," Julian mumbled to himself but I could hear him from across the room.
Rey and Elias shifted uncomfortably in their seats as they glanced between the two of us in uncertainty — obviously noticing the thick tension in the room.
I only rolled my eyes and padded into the kitchen. I grabbed Riley's plate and my own and pulled out the first aid kit from under the sink. And with slight hesitation, I also grabbed an ice pack and a container of cold raspberries from the fridge before climbing up the stairs.
It was difficult juggling everything in two hands, especially when I was planting one foot above the other on the steps that I couldn't even make out. There was no light cascading over the stairs as the lightbulb had broken and upstairs was void of any source of light.
Shadows danced my line of vision as I stumbled through the dark hallways, searching blindly for the twin's room. With the knowledge of the layout of this house, I was thankfully able to avoid knocking over anything and managed to avoid tripping as I approached their white wooden door.
There were four bedrooms in our cozy home — it was a tight fit considering we had moved in with five children and Ma but we had made it fit. Back then, Elias and Rey shared one room while the twins bunked together in the other. Ma and I received our own rooms.
Elias had protested that it was unfair because I had my own room but Ma had argued that I was the oldest. In reality, Riley had been offered the room, considering she already lived with four boys — it was fair she could have her own space.
Without hesitation, she had denied it and moved into the other room with Julian. It was shocking but I hadn't questioned her decision. She and Julian have been sharing a room since living in their old dingy apartment with Ma and their dad. It was obvious they were more comfortable together.
Staring at their familiar door, I felt a burst of anxiousness run through my nerves. I studied the grooves and wedges engraved into the wood before taking a breathe and knocking forcefully.
I was answered with nothing but a tense silence and I waited stressfully as my arms began to ache with all the contents in my arms. I had balanced the two plates and raspberries in one hand and knocked with the first aid kit held firmly in my other hand.
With a sigh, I put the kit down quietly and gently turned the knob. It wasn't locked — I had assumed she would have locked it but then again the twins never locked their door.
I peeked my head in, my pupils dilated as I observed the bright desk lamp that was turned on in the corner. It illuminated the room in a soft glow as my eyes scanned the desk planted in the corner alongside shelves that covered one whole wall.
Half of the shelf held piles of books that ranged from hardcopies to thin flimsy covers. The other half was decorated with numerous trophies and framed pictures. The floor was surprisingly devoid of food or clothes and the walls were covered in posters and a large mirror.
Despite the twins matching personalities, their room uncovered their obvious differences. It was messy but pristine; it had character but was dull — It was chaotically appropriate.
The line of books was Riley's collection and yet Julian had inserted his own touch in there with his Marvel comics. Their awards were a mismatch of gold trophies to ribbons to bronze medals.
The carpet and closet appeared clean but I had a feeling it was only Julian's tidiness that kept it spotless, otherwise, Riley would have ransacked it with her clutteredness.
Textbooks and binders lay opened on the desktop with post-its neatly stuck on the wall. There were reminders scribbled messily in pen and their bags were unzipped with papers falling out.
The quietude was shattered when a voice cleared on my right. I swiveled my head in that direction, my eyes squinting until I made out a figure in the dark.
Riley sat calmy on the top bunk of the bed with a blanket wrapped loosely around her shoulders, while her laptop was open on her lap. The light from the screen highlighted the irritated demeanour apparent on her facial features.
"What do you want?" Riley broke the silence.
"Just to leave you a plate and maybe talk," I hesitantly replied.
"I don't need your lectures, Theo. Can you please just go?" she sighed.
"No, I can't. Plus, have you at least iced that bruise. Let me help you," I convinced her.
She shook her head stubbornly and nudged her head away from my piercing gaze.
"Please Riley. Can we just pretend we're not mad at each other for one day? I-I...I'm not here to start a fight. We can talk tomorrow," I softly spoke.
She pursed her lips in disbelief.
I exhaled forcefully. "Please?... I brought raspberries," I said as a last resort.
At the mention of the fruit, she perked up and eyed the container joyfully. She then met my eyes and sighed indecisively.
"Fine...but you can't complain about what movie we watch," she reasoned.
I smirked internally. Just like when she was younger, whenever Riley was mad at any of us, you just had to offer her some raspberries as a peace offering and it was considered a done deal.
"Sure any movie as long as I can examine that bruise."
With that, she climbed down the steps and gingerly sat down on the bottom bunk, which was Julian's bed. She settled the laptop on the little nightstand and pressed resume on the movie she was watching.
I slowly plopped down next to her and passed along the raspberries to her. She picked one up and closely studied it before throwing it into her mouth. The plates of food lay on my left as we sat side by side on the bed in silence, the only sound flowing from the laptop.
Her posture wasn't tense and her usual scowling face was replaced with a content expression as she stared in a daze at the screen. I jumped at this opportunity to pop open the kit and fumbled with the ice pack.
"Come here, let me see," I gently motioned to her.
She stared at me fiercely but reluctantly obliged. The bruise had swelled over in a swirl of blue and purple. It resembled splatters of paint that were fused together to create a galaxy of swirls. It painfully rested against her cheek and when I faintly dabbed it with the numbing cold of the ice pack, Riley didn't even wince.
She simply sat stoically, not an ounce of discomfort or pain was apparent on her face.
"Does it hurt?"
"It can't hurt if I can't feel it."
I swallowed in anguish as her words dug deep underneath my skin. "Okay. Let me see your hands too."
She delicately placed them on my awaiting hands as I scanned them intricately. Her knuckles were bruised and cracked in some areas. The injury was discoloured and was prominent in the light as blood seeped out. It appeared as if she attempted to clean the scratches but it was a half-assed attempt — like she couldn't care less.
"What's with the scratches?" I questioned curiously.
She clenched her hand on instinct before replying with a grin stretched softly on her face. "That half-witted jackass had long nails."
I chuckled softly with a smile tugging on my lips. "Maybe you should've picked a fight with someone with shorter nails then."
"Mmph I'll consider that next time."
It was a relaxed atmosphere as the two of us joked around with no expectations or explanations. With the movie playing quietly in the background, I pressed a cotton swab of hydrogen peroxide onto her knuckles. I watched her reaction, yet she didn't squirm as she watched me with equal intensity.
"It's a good thing these aren't deep or you'd need stitches."
"It's not the first time I needed them," she replied calmly.
I wiped away the debris and dried blood before bandaging up both her right and left hand with gauze and securing it. I then turned her palm up and was met with the countless tiny scars that ran up and down her fingers.
They were almost invisible to the eye but they shined in jagged ridges like the stars on a cloudy night. They used to be thick and scarred but over the years, they had smoothed into glossy lines that were darker than her skin tone.
She abruptly pulled her hand out of my grasp like she had accidentally touched fire. She inched away from me and joined her hands as if my attention to them inflicted physical pain. The heated glare she had sent me was a whirl of fury and pain.
"I-sorry. I didn't mean..." I trailed off speechless with sorrow.
"Just pass me my plate, T."
I quietly handed her the plate of food as we tensely ate in silence. Riley ignored my apologetic looks as she chewed her rice with focus.
I took a bite of my own chicken, expecting the delicious burst of the orange chicken flavour but I suddenly choked as a salty flavour overwhelmed my senses.
I coughed in disgust trying to dislodge the nasty piece of chicken. Riley sat her plate down and forcefully smacked me on the back.
"That-that tastes like shit," I wheezed in distaste.
"I was going to warn you. There's a reason why I didn't eat dinner," she retorted.
"You could've told me sooner. It would've saved some of my taste buds."
Riley chuckled softly under her breath. "Where's the fun in that?"
I scowled at her. "Who made this shit anyway?"
"Elias..." She replied dryly.
"I thought they ordered out?"
"Elias wanted to try one of his new recipes out."
Realization dawned on my face as I pushed the rest of my chicken onto one side of my plate.
"No wonder why it tastes like ass."
"Agreed. I thought Elias was banned from the kitchen?" She asked.
I gave her a deadpanned look. "You and Julian and Elias are all banned from the kitchen."
"Me? Ok-fine I can't cook but I can bake bombass cookies," Riley argued.
"Yes, you can bake. But remember the rules, only me and Rey are allowed to cook. The last time I left you and Eli in the kitchen, I had to pay for a new fridge." I reminded her.
Riley mischievously grinned at the chaos she had evoked that day before a confused expression donned on her face.
"Eli? I thought it was Jules-" Riley said before her eyes widened as she slapped a hand over her mouth.
"Jules? I'm pretty sure I remember punishing Eli for that though," I asked suspiciously.
"What? Yeah, of course it was Eli," she reassured me.
I frowned. "Are you sure? Because I made Eli volunteer at that daycare for a whole two weeks as his punishment. Unless it was actually Julian who broke the fridge."
Riley snorted as she gave up denying it. "So maybe it was Julian. But it was easier to blame Elias anyways."
I raised my eyebrows questionably. "How'd you get Eli to go along with it? I can't imagine he would like spending two weeks around snotty children."
Riley's eyes twinkled with mischief. "He didn't really have a choice in the matter. Jules has dirt on him."
"I think Eli would rather face my wrath than be around those 'devil incarnate brats' as he says."
"He didn't mind taking care of me and Jules when we were younger," she pointed out.
"That's different. Eli has some weird soft spot for you troublemakers."
"So he does love us," Riley sarcastically exclaimed.
"Of course he does. Why else would he try to make your favourite food-well even if it wasn't edible," I said as I pointed at the plate of chicken and rice.
"My favourite food is pancakes," she said dryly.
I scratched the back of my head unsurely. "Right-well. He still loves you kid...I hope so-Hey! I'm kidding, just kidding," I laughed cheerfully.
"Kinda hard to believe you when most times Eli ignores us," she retorted.
The laughter that tinged my eyes slowly faded as a crease formed on my forehead. "Ignore? You think Eli ignores you?"
"I'd say he's ignoring us when he isn't even home most days. The odd conversation I have with him consists of me speaking and him grunting before he's out the door again," Riley confessed bitterly.
"You think he's avoiding you?" I asked incredulously.
"Well, what else is he doing? The exact time he's gone is precisely the time I'm home from school. I mean I only got to fucking see him today because we came home early from school. He's only home right now because I fucking punched someone. Don't you see?" she pushed with urgency.
"He works part-time at the mechanic's shop. He has football with long practices and far-away games. I'd imagine he'd want some free time to hang out with his friends in the evenings Ry," I spoke gently to her.
"While he's home in the afternoons, you have soccer practice. When you're free in the evenings, he's out with his friends. He's not avoiding you, your schedules just don't fit."
"Yeah, I know. If I didn't have fucking soccer then I could be home earlier; then I could actually see him. You know today was the first time in fucking forever that we had a conversation? He got a new tattoo and I didn't even fucking know about it until now."
I pursed my lips in realization as Riley hadn't been aware of Elias's new tattoo. In reality, he had only got it done on Saturday but Riley's mounting frustration was understandable — I knew the same painful devastation she felt to be left in the dark.
"Don't say that Ry. You love soccer, don't blame it for not seeing Elias because you know he loves you. Who taught you how to ride a bike? Who stayed up the whole night helping you paint your art project so you could finish before the deadline? Who taught you how to throw a punch?" I emphasized to her.
"Right, of course I love soccer," she muttered with emotion. "And of course he loves me. I mean the only reason he's even still here playing games downstairs is because I got in trouble and now he's worried."
The crease between my eyebrows deepened as I processed the heavyweight of her words. They cut a sharp blade of clarity but only unravelled a layer of the mask Riley had hidden behind.
Is that why she punched Irena? Because she knew she would be sent home, so she could see Elias? Would she really go to that limit?
"I'm serious Riley. You should've seen his face the day you were born; when he first held you in his arms in the hospital."
"He was only five and hell- he might've almost dropped you but he was gentle; he swayed you back and forth in his arms with a delicate affection I didn't know he had," I recalled as eight-year-old me had watched the instant clicking of a bond between the two.
"The moment he met your eyes, he smiled — a big fucking grin that he didn't even bother holding Julian afterwards. He even almost bodyslammed that nurse who tried prying you out of his arms."
"He what? Did he really drop me? Is that why my pinkies crooked?" She interrupted before she shook her head in continuation.
"That's not the point-maybe he does care but Eli is always just gone to even ask him about his day. He used to watch all my soccer practices when I was younger, you know. Then he'd take me for ice cream and we'd talk until it was almost dark when you called us home," Riley whispered as she cracked her knuckle.
"Hey, I'll talk to him. We can move things around. We can make things work," I replied persuasively.
"It's okay Theo. I don't need everyone rearranging their lives for me," she sighed as she avoided my line of sight.
I slowly nodded, a comforting smile donned my face as I smiled gently — I wrapped my arm softly around her dainty shoulders as I ruffled her hair playfully.
Yet I shook my head in bewilderment as Riley's words rang distinctly through my head.
I don't need everyone rearranging their lives for me.
She clearly underestimated the fierce love and affection that ran through Elias' eyes when she was born. Because for her, we'd move fucking Heaven and Earth if she asked us.