Chapter 17// Change
I’ve never really focused on how much my life has changed in the last few weeks.
The largest change by far was that I backed my car into Jennifer. The hard work, the helping: all of that has been done to make up for that one stupid mistake, which we are now both paying for. Hitting her, although it made me feel guilty as hell and meant I felt forced to make it up to their family, is actually one of the things which has changed my life the most…positively as well. Without the accident, who knows? I might never have spoken to Jesse, who is fast becoming one of my closest friends. Without the accident, I’d have never known and befriended Jennifer, Rita, Sophie or Billie. There have been so many changes in my life, positive as well as negative, all sprouting from that accident.
It make me smile that the last time I was at the park, only a few short weeks ago, Jesse hated my guts, I was shy from Jennifer and everything seemed to be completely different. Now, instead of pushing the wheelchair up the hill alone, I have Jesse on the opposite handle helping me. It still burns my calves like Billy-O but I’m so glad that things have changed the way they have done. The only thing I’m not so happy about, is the fact that Rachel has decided to join us on our second little park outing. The snobby, rude friend of Jennifer who acted like I was a piece of dirt on the bottom of her shoe when I dropped Jennifer off at her house. I guess Jesse and I will be sticking to ourselves today.
“Oh I forgot how dirty this park is,” Sniffs Rachel as she glances at her surroundings. Jesse and I have reached the top of the incline now, both of us have rasping breath and Jennifer shoots us a quick grateful smile for our efforts. She knows that without us, there would be no way that she would be able to pull herself up the steep hill. The park is up on the right of us, with a nature trail and a lake towards the back. The way Rachel is looking around though, you’d think this was a monkey enclosure at a zoo or something. In some ways it’s quite amusing to watch the acts of a snob- she practically has a heart attack whenever a child below the age of five runs past.
“Tell you what, Rachel,” Jennifer smiles, “Let’s go take a look around the lake shall we? It’s an incredibly pleasant walk.” I have to restrain my snort of laughter at the wording of Jennifer’s sentence: there’s no way she’d talk like that if Rachel wasn’t here. If she had a British accent, she’d be a perfect impersonation of the queen. Rachel considers Jennifer’s suggestion for a second, and nods. Phew. I feel myself visibly relax: now I won’t have to stay around her for much longer.
“It does sound quite inviting,” Rachel nods, humming in the back of her throat. “Are you coming, children?” The way she speaks the last word is incredibly patronising and I stiffen.
“I think we’re just going to stay by the park for a while,” Jesse smiles politely, although I can see the strain behind his lips. There’s no way that smile is real. I saw the most real smile I’ve ever seen Jesse wear this morning. I woke up in the guest room of his house after the party last night and I was so confused for a second. It turns out, Jesse had woken me up for breakfast with him and Jennifer (His Dad had already left for work by this point). I got a nasty shock however, when I saw my face in the restroom mirror. He’d drawn a bit of an inappropriate drawing on my cheek with biro pen, and he laughed so hard at my expression after I saw it. That was the happiest I think I’ve seen him, actually. It took a while to get off, but by the time I did, he’d cooked bacon for all of us so I had a pretty amazing morning actually.
I went home to change and shower, but Heather had already left. I have a big suspicion that she’ll be mad at me for ditching her with Everett. I’m going to the beach café later though, so I’ll speak to her then and explain why I didn’t come home. Rachel and Jennifer begin walking away and I turn to Jesse with a smile. “So hopefully you aren’t going to hit my head again today?”
“Not planning on it to be perfectly honest,” Jesse drawls, “Although if you’re irritating it could be a way to shut you up…” He trails off thoughtfully, and I hit him in the chest. And may I just take the moment to say what a nice chest it is. Jesse chuckles, striding over to a nearby bench to collapse down onto it. I suddenly realise that I still haven’t told Jesse about how I lied, about what Rita is looking for in a boy. If I tell him I lied though- he’ll ask why. What am I supposed to say about trying to sabotage his relationship?
“Um, Jesse, there’s something I need to tell you,” I begin nervously. Jesse looks at me, and I slowly move to sit down beside him, sitting on my shaking hands to remove the distraction.
“What is it?” Our knees brush together, sending tingles down my skin.
“I, um…” I hesitate, “I’m not quite sure what I texted you at the sleepover is true.” I glance at him quickly to evaluate his reaction. I think I’ve spotted a way out of my predicament. “You see, Rita actually didn’t say much about what she looks for in a guy…I just thought you’d want more information so I guessed. I don’t think it is right anymore: I’m not sure what she’s looking for in a guy.” I amend quickly, relieved at the way I’ve managed to dodge my lie. This is it: I’ve told him that I’ve made it up, because I didn’t know what to say. That’s so much better than completely lying, isn’t it? At least now he won’t embarrass himself, turning up at Rita’s house with a bunch of roses. He doesn’t know what to do anymore. Problem removed.
“Oh okay,” Jesse’s eyebrows knit together, “That’s fine I guess. You know…I don’t think you have to do this anymore, Lois.” His blue-green eyes flicker to mine. “I don’t think I need any more help.”
“This isn’t because I made up that information is it?” I panic. Is he angrier at me than he’s letting on? Is this his way of saying that he doesn’t want me to hang out with him anymore?
“No,” He shakes his head, his lips lifting up into a sort of smirk. “I just think I can handle it by myself,” He rewords. It takes a moment for the news to sink in, and I can’t quite decide whether I’m relieved or not. I’m relieved because it means I won’t have to help my crush get his first love back anymore…but if he’s saying he thinks he can handle it by himself, does that mean that he’s planning on asking her out or something? Is he going for his shot with her? That would be so much more painful for me…but I guess he’d be happy, and that’s what counts right?
“Oh,” I reply, a little confused. I laugh a little emotionlessly. “Well that’s good then.”
“I think so,” Jesse says. I can feel his eyes scanning over my face, but I simply concentrate my stare onto my shoes.
“So you’re not mad at me at all anymore then?” I find the words escaping. “I don’t owe you anything?” To be honest I didn’t think I owed him anything to begin with, but I’m kind of hoping he says yes. Hanging around Jesse…well it’s fun, and I kind of loved being my crush’s confident, even if it was about another girl. To think that he trusted me enough to help him with something like that is great. It’s like all those changes I was thinking about earlier are slowly coming undone again.
Jesse winces. “You don’t owe me anything Lois, and no I haven’t been mad at you since about the time when Ben came around and we had pizza. I still want to be friends though, if you do. We have got a lot…closer recently, and I don’t know,” Jesse smiles a little at me, and my heart melts, “Well I don’t want that to change.” He confirms. “I want to be friends because you want to be friends, not because you felt you owed it to me.” The last words come out slightly bitterly.
“I never thought I owed you my friendship Jesse,” I shake my head. “Just my help.”
“Well good then. And I’m sorry again about the way I acted after the accident.”
“If you don’t mind me asking,” I hedge nervously, “Why are you so protective over your mom? Why did you hate me so much when you thought it was all my fault?” As soon as the questions escape, Jesse’s eyes seem to darken and our precious eye contact drops. “You know,” I say quietly. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I’ll just shut up now and stop being so nosy-“
“No,” Jesse interrupts, “I want you to know. Just…give me a second. Only Ben knows about this. It’s hard to talk about,” His jaw muscles tense, and he closes his eyes for a second, ruffling his hair. I wait patiently for what I’m about to hear, on the edge of my seat. This is obviously something close to Jesse’s heart, so to think that he’s sharing it with me makes me feel special. He hasn’t even told Rita.
“A few months ago, my mom and I headed to the city where my Dad works.” Jesse sighs.
“It was Valentine’s Day and it was mom’s idea that she’d surprise him at his apartment in the city after he came home from work. They’d both agreed that they wouldn’t do anything to celebrate Valentine’s Day, but she thought it would be nice just to say hello. She hadn’t seen him face-to-face for a couple of weeks due to this big corporate project he was working on for all of his garages.”
“We turned up at around seven o’clock, knowing that he should be back from work by then, but he wasn’t in. Mom had the spare key anyway, so she went inside the apartment and sat on the couch- prepared to wait for him until he came home. She was convinced that he’d just gone out for a drink with some friends. She called him but he didn’t pick up,” Jesse releases a slow breath and shares a glance with me. I’m sat, frozen as I listen to the story. I think I have a suspicion about what’s about to come next, but I can’t think of any reason why anyone would do that to Jennifer. She’s beautiful, and sweet and so funny. That kindly man I met at the garage couldn’t have done anything that terrible…right?
“Well anyway, I got bored after about fifteen minutes. I went outside the apartment block and started looking around the street, to see if I could see him anywhere. That’s when I saw him,” Jesse gulps, and his eyes fall to his laps. “He had a brunette under his arm. She was wearing a red dress and red lipstick and she was laughing at something that he’d said. He was drunk, quite clearly. I could see his hands all over her. I knew it wasn’t just a colleague, or a friend. They were both quite comfortable with each other.” Jesse’s hands curl into fists. “I was frozen for a second, and then the anger hit. He hardly sees us: his family, and he does this.” His voice shakes.
“I marched up to him and told the brunette to get lost. He froze when he saw me, and then I saw the realisation in his eyes. It was horrible- watching the guilt of what he’d been caught doing, register in his expression.” Jesse closes his eyes, and in response I place a hand on his arm. He seems to lean into the touch. He carries on the story without opening his eyes, and I can feel the dread curling in my stomach. “I told him that I hated him. That I hated what he’d just done to our family. I asked if he’d ever seen that girl before… he said yes.”
“He looked broken, Lois. He was bluntly honest, so I was too.” Jesse’s eyes open and his jaw locks. “I told him that he needed to tell my mom. I told him that she was up there waiting for him in his apartment; that she wanted to surprise him on Valentine’s Day. He started crying. My Dad, the strongest man I’ve ever known and my role model since I was a child, started crying.”
“He still hasn’t told her,” Jesse chuckles bitterly, “I threaten that if he doesn’t tell her then I will, but the truth is that I…I could never do that to her. I could never hurt her like that. It’s my job to protect her now,” He says determinedly, glancing at me and smiling softly. My hand is still latched onto his forearm, but I haven’t got the strength to say the words. “A few weeks after I found out that my Dad was cheating on my mom, there was an accident. I was told that somebody had backed a car into her.” His eyes seem to warm up again a little bit, and his chuckle doesn’t sound quite as forced as it did before. “I thought she was dead, the way they described the accident on the phone. I thought this was my karma, for not telling her about my Dad.”
I release a shaky breath.
“That’s why I hated you for those few days,” Jesse says, sighing. “I hated the guilt that you made me feel. Does that answer your question?” He looks at me, attempting to smile, and I almost burst into tears at the expression. Instead, however, I do something a little more careless, and a little less practical. I throw my arms around him and pull him into a tight hug.
“I’m so sorry Jesse,” I whisper, surprised at the strength of which he hugs me back.
I think I’m falling in love with you.
<><><><><>
I walk into the Beach Café at exactly seven pm, more than a little intimidated at what I’m about to face.
Tonight is one of our regular meetings- just me, Heather and Adam. We’re best friends, and usually about once a fortnight, we get together at the Beach Café after hours to drink milkshakes and just gossip about our lives. Tonight, however, I feel is going to be a little different. I know that Heather has every right to be mad at me. I ditched her with my brother, after I invited her to a sleepover at my house that I didn’t even turn up to. I contemplate lying, and saying that I was unconscious when Jesse took me back to his place. Should I say that I had no choice in the matter?
However, when I see Heather and Adam sat at our usual table in front of the desk, I know lying isn’t an option. She knows me so well, that she’d see right through it, and hate me even more for attempting to make excuses for myself. Both my friends glance up as I enter the café, and I suck in a deep breath. Put a brave face on Lois, and be prepared to get your friend back.
“Wow that’s a surprise,” Heather sneers, “She didn’t ditch me for once, Adam. How about it?”
“I need to talk to you about that,” I reply calmly, trying not to pull a face at the icy glare she’s shooting towards me currently. “I need to apologise.”
“What is there to apologise for?” Heather chuckles bitterly, taking a long slurp from her milkshake. “Ditching me at the party? Or ditching me at your own house at a sleepover, you didn’t even attend?!” I wince at the viciousness of her words, and watch as Adam stirs uncomfortably beside her. He’s never been one for confrontations, but to be honest, neither have I. Heather however, likes to speak her mind. If I’ve done something wrong, she’ll let me know about it. This time however, I already know perfectly well what I’ve done wrong. My memories of that night are slightly hazy, and I can’t help but curse myself. Why didn’t I insist to Jesse that I needed to go home?
“For a starters, I didn’t ditch you at the party,” I begin calmly. “You got drunk, started dancing with a load of people I didn’t know and then you passed out. Everett took you home in your car, so technically you left first.” Heather goes to intervene, but I stop her. “Please hear me out first Heather, before you start firing insults at me. I fully intended to go back home, okay? But your car was gone, so Jesse took me back to his house in his car instead. I told him I needed to go home, but he persuaded me to stay. He said you were fine with Everett alone, and that you were passed out still. He said that Everett was okay with me staying with him that night. Yes, I know that I shouldn’t have ditched you, and I’m trying not to make excuses for myself because I know that it was still wrong. I’m sorry.” Heather has strangely silenced, and I sigh. “Now you can start firing insults at me.”
“You understand why I’m mad, right?” Heather questions, strangely calm. “Recently you’ve been hanging around with your popular friends more than me, and we’re supposed to be best friends. You call me, you see me at work, but it’s not quite the same is it? So you invite me to a sleepover. I wake up about an hour after I’d been dropped at your house, and I ask Everett where you are. Do you know what he tells me? He tells me that you wanted to stay at Jesse’s for the night. So once again, you chose your popular crush over your best friend.” Her eyes narrow. “What happened to chicks before dicks, Lois? We practically grew up together, and you ditch me once again and expect me to be okay with it?”
“I don’t expect you to be okay with it,” I shake my head, “And I’m sorry. I really did want to have a sleepover with you. All I knew is that Jesse told me that you were still unconscious and that I should leave you alone with Everett. I trusted him. You’re my best friend in the entire world, Heather. You’ll never compare to Rita, Billie or Sophie. I know I’ve been hanging out with them a lot, and I’m sorry for that. I was trying to stay close to Jesse.” I blow out a deep breath, and slide into a seat. “I don’t need to do that anymore. He doesn’t need my help, and so I can hang out with you like we used to…if you forgive me.” I stand up and step closer to her, “I’m so sorry, H. Really, I feel terrible.”
I can see Heather’s resolution buckling. “You’re my best friend Lois,” She says quietly, “Please act like it.”
Guilt twists in my stomach. “I’m so sorry,” I plead, “I’ve made some pretty crappy mistakes recently, and I haven’t been treating you like you deserve to be treated. Please forgive me.”
“I forgive you,” Heather nods, “Just please can we hang out more? I’ve missed you, Lo.”
“I’d love to hang out more,” I grin, pulling her into a hug and resting my chin on her shoulder. “I’ve missed you so much too.” I’m so happy that I have my best friend back, despite how horrible I’ve been to her recently. I can’t believe I kept forgetting to organise some kind of get together between us. The only time I’d ever speak to her was when I called every few days, and if I spotted her at work.
“Well, I’m glad that this is sorted,” Sighs Adam, leaning back into his chair, “I was all prepared to throw a bucket of ice onto you two if you started cat fighting.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Hey guys, I haven’t had my dinner yet tonight so I need to be back pretty soon. I really only came to apologise,” I say to Heather, “Maybe we could all do something soon? I’ll ask my mom, okay?” Heather nods, smiling at me and Adam punches my shoulder teasingly.
“Is your mom hot?” He grins.
“Don’t pretend you’re interested Adam,” I laugh. “But if you were to swing that way, my mom would probably be one of the first in line. She loves you.” I stop my sentence, interrupted by the vibration of my phone in my pocket. Jesse Calling. I frown at the number calling- I wonder what he wants. Clicking the green icon, I bring the phone up to my ear. “Yo Alligator.”
“Hey Lois,” I can practically hear the smirk on Jesse’s lips through the phone. “I was wondering if you have plans tonight. Mom wanted to know if you wanted to join us for dinner.” He sounds slightly irritated and embarrassed by the question, but a giant smile formulates it’s way onto my face. Then I remember that I’m sat in front of Adam and Heather. There’s no way that I can go if Heather and Adam know that I’d be ditching them for Jesse.
“Hold on a second, Jesse,” I say down the line, pressing the mute button.
“What is he calling for?” Heather asks curiously.
“His family have invited me over for dinner. Should I say that I have plans?” I bite my lip.
“Go, Lois,” Heather rolls her eyes, “I can tell you want to. Just go to dinner with them. I don’t mind, honestly. It’s more when you hang out with Rita’s group that I get offended, not Jesse.”
I hesitate, trying to read her expression. Is this a test? Is she actually going to hate me if I say yes?
“Lois,” Heather growls, “Say. Yes.”
“Yes,” I say out loud, forgetting that my phone is on mute. Face palming, I click the button to turn the sound back on and turn away from Heather and Adam. “Hey Jesse? Yeah, I’d love to come. Just let me call my mom and let her know. What time do you want me over?”
Hope you like the chapter! I'M SO CLOSE TO A MILLION! xx