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For the longest time, Wanda took pride in being an empath. She remembers wisps of memories from her childhood, memories from when her parents were still alive, the ones she hadn’t repressed. She was always feeling everyone’s emotions. It was hard for her to decipher what she was actually feeling when everyone else’s sentiments were overwhelming her. She could read people’s auras, her sense of intuition was insanely good. After hydra, after her powers, her empathy was naturally amplified. It wasn’t just feeling other people’s feelings anymore. It was more like Wanda was completely taking them on as her own, now. Thinking other people’s thoughts. Seeing other people’s memories, good or bad. Feeling their presence if she was in the same building.
For the longest Natasha could remember, she was trained that emotions were for children. Any response she felt to any situation was negative. Happy, sad, angry, it didn’t matter, she would be compromised. After she had defected from the red room to SHIELD, it was still hard to let that go. It was all Natasha knew. That’s how her brain has been wired from infancy. With the help of Fury, Clint, Laura, and Maria; she was able to break out of the complete emotional numbness that overtook her. Even then, it took a couple years for Natasha to pull herself together.
Natasha stayed with Clint and his Fiancé, at the time, Laura, mostly when she was reintroduced to the United States. Clinton was safe, he had spared her life, even helped her take the red room down. In return, she earned herself a platonic soulmate. It didn’t take long for Natasha to start trusting Laura as well.
Natasha had a particularly difficult time adjusting to normalcy when she realized she wasn’t under anyone’s control anymore. She never knew any different from superiors having jurisdiction over her, like she was an object, because to them, she was.
And the day the realization flooded her, that she was the one in control, she starting spiraling. Natasha was her own authority, she could do whatever it was that she wanted, but she didn’t know how. How was she supposed to know where to begin? She was in a foreign country with no missions for the first time, ever. Well, the country wasn’t exactly foreign. She had lived in Ohio for three years when she was eight but everything was unfamiliar nowadays.
Natasha didn’t know how to take this. She couldn’t. So she didn’t. She quickly became hopeless. And she went a full ten days without leaving her bedroom at Clint’s farmhouse.
On the first day, Clint left Natasha alone. He felt for her, understanding that she needed to put all the pieces of herself back together again. To repair what the red room had stolen from her. The only problem was, she didn’t know what those pieces were. She never had ownership over anything, her personality, her mind, her body. Now, she was a clean slate, she could be anyone she wanted.
The second day, Nat didn’t come out of her room either. Clint was trying to give Natasha space but it was Laura who was worried. Laura was always worried about Natasha, even when the other girl was safe and sound. His fiancé convinced him to go upstairs and check on the red head while they were attempting to make lunch.
And he listened, making his way up the steps cautiously, wary of how the interaction would go.
Clint stepped over to Natasha’s door silently, “Romanoff, you still alive in there?” Silence. He rapped his knuckles on the door. “Natasha, cmon, gimme something.” She didn’t respond but he hadn’t expected her to. “You don’t have to come out or talk, but i would appreciate some form of response. So, i know you’re good? How bout a whistle?”
“No,” Natasha’s raspy, accent laced voice bled through the door. “No whistling.”
“Okay, sure. A knock then?”
Clint knocked his fist against the wall softly three times, the other girl reciprocated his actions.
He smiled, letting her know that they were making lunch but she shouldn’t feel pressured to get up. She could do everything on her own accord.
The third day, Clint didn’t bother her, no matter how much Laura pestered him with anxiety written on her features. He didn’t knew much about Natasha at that point, but he knew that in her entire existence, she had always been expected to comply. And Clint refused to be that for her, he wanted to be someone safe to her. He would let her make her own decisions and when she was ready, she would come out of the door. He held Natasha to no expectations.
The fourth day, Clint knocked and Natasha knocked back. He felt satisfied with that and left a peanut butter sandwich on a plate with a water bottle outside her door.
The fifth day, they were in the middle of briefing Fury over the phone when the couple heard a crash from above. Both Laura and Clint dashed up the stairs at record speed. Clint flung the door open, side stepping the plate full of food that Natasha neglected to collect. They found her dry heaving over the toilet bowl, her bright red hair clinging to her face with sticky sweat. She looked unbelievably pale.
Day five was the day everything hit her. The memories she had blocked out ripped through the boundaries she had set in place and overwhelmed her. All the people she was forced to kill. Innocent people, sometimes children. Dreykov’s daughter. Graduation day. The first time she took someone’s life. Being handcuffed to her bed. The strict, regimen of a diet they place her on. To keep her thin, a dancer’s body, yet strong.
At that exact moment, despite not having a meal in five days, she felt bile rise in her throat. Natasha snapped up from the bed quickly, feeling extremely weak and immensely dizzy. She ignored it, shoving the physical symptoms away and practically ran into the bathroom connected to her room. She stumbled into the door frame first, clutching onto it for some form of stability and then collapsed to her knees, vomiting into the toilet.
Laura jumped into action, motherly instinct kicking in. She quickly pulled Natasha’s back back into a messy braid, hoping her long, locks wouldn’t get in the way and end up a mess. She rubbed her hand soothingly against the other girls back. Whispering sweet nothings into Nat’s ear, reassuring her that they were there for her.
Clint and Laura stayed until Natasha was done throwing up. They both comforted Natasha, assuring her that she was okay and they weren’t mad. They helped her back into her bed after Laura changed the sheets and left the option of dinner up to her.
Natasha forced a small smile in appreciation as they left the room.
On the sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth day, there was no progression from the other girl but she still knocked back to both Clint and Laura when they checked up on her. Everyday they would bring her meals and water and every night they would collect the untouched plates in dissatisfaction.
On the tenth day, Clint decided he had enough. He climbed the staircase two at a time and entered Natasha’s bedroom. He walked through the doorframe muttering something like, “you’re shit at taking care of yourself.”, before yanking the covers off of Nat.
Natasha startled, sitting up quickly and looking towards Clint with empty green orbs, her face feigning surprise.
He gave no room for her to argue, walking over to the side of the bed and pulling her arm around his shoulder. He stood up, forcing her to do the same as well. Clint led her down the stairs and into the kitchen where a plate full of eggs and toast with a banana was waiting for her. She took a seat at the table.
Natasha felt disheveled, her hair resembled a rats nest but half of it was still plaited into a braid. She was still wearing the same clothes she was ten days ago. She felt disoriented but came back to when Clint finally spoke up, “Eat up before it gets cold.”
“I’m not hungry.” Nat sassed, kicking one of her sock covered feet onto the table.
Admittedly, she was starving. But the only thing she felt in the past few days, besides guilt, was hunger. And that feeling of hunger to her was exponentially better than feeling nothing. Maybe she even liked it a little for reminding her that she was human.
“Bullshit.”
“Shut up, Barton. Who are you to tell me what i’m feeling?” She expected the couple to be annoyed with her for arguing back but instead they both smiled.
“Nice to have you back, Nat.” Clint smiled at her and Natasha wanted to send the fork she was holding, straight at his head. Luckily, for him, she refrained from doing so and opted to roll her eyes instead.
A week later, Natasha was back to her normal, quick-witted, sarcastic, fiery self. Resilient, as per usual. She had told Barton multiple times in those seven days that she was not a child, she was twenty, almost twenty-one and he could stop hovering over her like a dad because he was, in fact, only two years older than her.
But it was not all easy from there. Nat had chosen to sit with and accept her past as the past, with the help of Laura’s wise words. She told herself everyday that what happened, happened. There was nothing she could do about it. The only thing important now was rediscovering herself and what she wanted to do with her life. She had a long way to go before she would genuinely be okay again but she was told, “The steps you take don’t have to be big, they just have to take you in the right direction.”
Nick Fury had decided to recruit her to SHIELD, to work alongside Clint. The older man said they needed her, her skills were unmatched by far. And it took a little convincing but she agreed because this is what she wanted to do. She wasn’t a weapon. She no longer would put people’s life on the line because she was forced to. Natasha was going to help people. That thought alone gave her hope and pushed her to continue.
The red head fit in quite nicely with the SHIELD team and it didn’t take long for her to decide that she liked it there. So, she stayed.
It wasn’t until two months later that her first major setback came. Natasha collapsed during a sparring match with Maria hill. Maria and Nat had naturally fell into the rhythm of a genuine friendship over the days, so of course when she voiced concerns they didn’t go unheard. Everyone took this seriously despite Nat telling them all it wasn’t a big deal, specifically telling Clint to quit bitching because she was strong and she could handle herself.
The medical team at SHIELD H.Q. was informed and Natasha was forced into an evaluation. It was then that the team deduced and revealed Natasha had lost twenty pounds.
Her iron and electrolyte levels were low, her heart rate as well. She was malnourished. The russian was insanely athletic and in shape from being raised in the red room, so they weren’t too worried that her heart rate was low, concluding that it hadn’t changed from her last visit.
Natasha was shocked at the information. It had never been her intention to lose weight. She never needed to, she was fit and mostly made of pure muscle. When she observed herself in a mirror for the first time since the revelation, she noticed how drastically her body had changed. She was already petite to begin with and the weight loss did nothing to help that. Her cheeks were hollowed out and she could observe the faint outline of her ribcage and hip bones through her skin like it was a sheet of paper. Her abs, gone. Her legs were more thin than they were toned anymore, even though she had been putting in maximum effort during training sessions.
While she wracked her brain for reasoning, she came to one explanation that made sense to her. Again, at the root of all her problems, this was the first time in her life she was in control. She had no idea what a ‘normal’ diet consisted of. Her whole life she had been forced to eat whatever was put in front offer while under the red room’s mind games, she did little complaining about it though. The diet didn’t really bother her because it kept her healthy.
Now that she had freedom with her choice in food, she did not know what she was doing. It was clear that she was not in raking in enough calories for her high metabolic rate. That on top of the constant training sessions.
Natasha recruited Clint and Maria for help and she quickly fell into a routine, helping to mend her relationship with food.
And they never spoke of Natasha’s weight since that day five years ago. It had seemed to be a concern of the pass, one that had her benched from training for a few weeks, but when she was cleared, she felt better than ever.
However, a little voice stuck in her head. One she heard from the first time she evaluated her body in the mirror when she realized she had dropped a ton of weight. It made her sick to her stomach, remembering the moment. The voice telling her that she liked it. She really liked how she looked when she lost weight. Not necessarily for vanity reasons, she had always been particularly confident in her body. After all, she was created to literal perfection. She liked it because she no longer looked like she was a well built, trained assassin. It felt like that was the last piece of the red room to go, besides the memories. Natasha almost felt relief because she knew she was in control.
Quickly after she had that revelation years ago, she shoved it away immediately, recognizing that thinking was far from healthy. Far from where she wanted to be. And she vowed to never think that thought again.
And she didn’t, for five years. Until she happened.
Until Wanda happened.
The battle of Sokovia took place six months ago. Natasha was fairly certain she wanted to kill Wanda after what happened at the shipyard. When the younger girl manipulated her mind, it had completely thrown Natasha off in a way no one else had before, or was even capable of. The feeling was invasive and she felt like her past was just simply laid out on a table for Wanda to collect. Memories that she had spent the past five years repressing just so all the progress would be wiped away.
After the attack, Clint flew the quinjet to a ‘safe house’ and while she was there, she felt like the compromised twenty year she had been five years ago. Laura struggled to keep Nat from reverting to old ways and locking herself away in bed room upstairs.
Even after all this time, and three kids, the Bartons still kept her bedroom upstairs the same way she had left it. They didn’t dare use it for anything else. The farm was a safe house. That’s what they wanted it to be for Natasha, so she knew she always had somewhere to run to, had she felt like this.
She had a family with the avengers now. After they returned to the compound, with Wanda as a new addition to the team, she didn’t feel the need to run back to the farm. She thought she was handling herself pretty well. Though, Nat’s heart was shattered and she had a particularly hard time knowing that Clint had ‘retired’. He wouldn’t be around anymore to catch her if she fell. That thought terrified her, she was so tired of gluing herself back together again. And she was fairly certain she shouldn’t try to on her own.
Natasha’s nightmares returned. The barriers she put up in for mind so she didn’t have to live with the trauma of her past were shattered like glass. It was as if every time she moved, the glass would cut her. Opening old wounds and leaving new scars.
One thing that affected Natasha most prominently was the voice had returned in her head. The one telling her the only way she knew how to have control over her autonomy again was through food. No matter how deep down she tried to shove it, it would just pop right back up.
Natasha was furious with Wanda.
Though, for whatever reason, she couldn’t bring herself to put all of the blame on the other girl’s shoulders. Wanda had been scared, brainwashed, manipulated and Natasha was familiar with the exact feeling. She cared about the other girl, she couldn’t tell you why she felt intensely drawn to Wanda. Enough, to make peace with the fact that she had been compromised.
Maybe it was just because Wanda reminded Natasha of herself. Bits and pieces of both girl’s pasts lined up and her heart began to ache in her chest if she thought about it too much. All she knew, is she refused to let the other girl go through this alone. Because Nat knew she probably wouldn’t have made it to the other side in one piece if it hadn’t been for Clint.
When they arrived at the avengers compound and settled Wanda into her room, the younger girl proceeded to lock herself in it for five days.
And Natasha wasn’t having it. She saw an almost exact reflection of herself. A scared girl with a shitload of trauma in a foreign country, not knowing what to do with herself. She rejected the idea of letting Wanda go through this feeling as if she had nobody on her side. She wasn’t sure that she was the best fit to help emotionally but she’d be damned if she didn’t try.
On the Sixth day of Wanda not leaving her bed, Natasha stormed into the room. She ripped the covers off of the Sokovian, just as Clint had did with her. She understood that while she saw herself in the younger girl, she would never understand fully what Wanda had lost that day in Sokovia.
She had lost her twin brother, Pietro. He was her constant. The other half of her soul. Her protector. Someone she was almost guaranteed to grow old with. She had lost two homes that day, Sokovia and Pietro. Most of all, she had lost her brother. That was already enough damage.
Wanda was more stubborn than Natasha was when it came to leaving her bed. She did not accept her help willingly. The other girl had cried, pleading for her blanket back, all while a trembling mess. The younger girl was someone who had never been afraid to express her emotions. It had taken Nat years to even be comfortable with the fact that she could feel her feelings.
It took a lot of convincing but Wanda finally got out of her bed. Natasha helped her run a shower and while Wanda scrubbed off the events of the past few days, the red head changed her sheets. Just like Laura.
In the days following, Wanda refused to eat. This made Natasha infuriated. She had been there before, while her struggle with food may have been subconscious and short lived. She knew the effects of malnutrition. She also was aware of the damage it could be causing to Wanda’s mental health. It could lead her down a very dangerous path.
Natasha tried not to overwhelm the other girl and yell at her, but she did. The girls fought for days over it, Nat trying her damndest to get something of substance in Wanda’s system. Eventually, she did.
And Nat recognized she may have overreacted about the situation at hand. Wanda was depressed and therefore as a side effect, her appetite had been depleted. A completely different situation than she herself was going through. Nat was jealous of that. It had only took a few days for Wanda to start putting weight back on. The other girl was okay with food again, no complications. After a while, once her appetite had returned and she was in a good headspace, the Sokovian was even excited for meals, excited to try new American food she never had before.
All the while, Natasha was being a complete hypocrite. She was basically forcing food down the other girls throat, while she herself wasn’t too specifically concerned with her own eating habits. It was almost as if the two girls worked against each other. The more Wanda improved, the more Nat worsened.
Natasha was fairly certain she had just been projecting her own issues with food onto the other girl. Wanda had no idea what was happening behind the scenes, Nat wasn’t so sure she knew what was happening to her either.
The eating disorder developed gradually over the course of the last six months. She’d like to think she didn’t recognize what she was doing at first and most of that happened on a subconscious level. Eventually, the restriction became purely intentional. The more weight she lost, the less she felt like a weapon in the KGB’s hands. It helped her feel stable.
After that day when Natasha dragged Wanda out of bed, it didn’t take long for their relationship to blossom into an intense connection. Both girls confessed their feelings two months later and by the fourth month, they committed to each other. They took things slow at first, for Nat’s sake. This was the first romantic relationship she ever had in her life. Uncharted waters made her nervous. On the other hand, Wanda exerted love, she loved everyone around her and the feeling was mutual.
There may have been a slight causality between their relationship and Natasha’s eating disorder. It wasn’t until they officiated their relationship that Nat started restricting and over-training. New feelings, feelings of the past, all muddled together. And Natasha thinks she’s gone soft. From the time she was born she can remember being told that love was for children. The more dropped weight, the less constricted she felt by those phrases wired into her brain.
The Russian was damn good at hiding it too. The tactics of keeping secrets and hiding problems, it was all second nature. Which is why it was so easy for her to get away with. She was so skilled at internally hiding her emotions that she didn’t even realize what was happening.
Essentially, this is how it began. In present day, it was getting more and more difficult to keep anything a secret.
Wanda and Natasha were both cuddled up in their bed under multiple blankets, the sun beamed through the window, casting light directly on the pair. The A.C. was blasting, on Steve’s account, and Wanda was starting to believe that he missed being in the ice because it was so damn cold all the time. The captain would always get a mouthful from Tony when he visited, telling the other man to stop touching his thermostats.
Around midnight last night; Sam, Nat, and Steve all returned from a mission. Another cold lead on Bucky. Steve was crushed, as usual, and retreated upstairs to his living quarters. Everyone knew better than to bother him, he would be down later.
Natasha, on the other hand, had made a b-line for her room when she arrived because she was utterly exhausted. She was awake only long enough for Wanda to welcome her home and get her settled under the covers. Then, she was out like a light. The younger girl was upset, Natasha usually entertained conversation about how the mission went before immediately falling asleep, last night was different. She had gotten five words out of the older girl last night. ‘I missed you’ and ‘I’m tired’.
It was early afternoon, eleven o’clock to be exact, and Natasha was still sleeping. This was out of the norm for her. Routinely, she was always the first one awake. She brewed coffee for everyone and usually prepared breakfast for the team. Nat would excuse herself from breakfast, saying that she ate while she was cooking, each time it was a lie.
Wanda had gotten out of bed earlier and taken care of it herself, she managed.
Mornings were not the same without her favorite person around. Breakfast with the team was slightly quieter than usual and when they were informed that Natasha was still sleeping, they were surprised.
Steve mentioned that Nat was uncharacteristically quiet during the mission, Sam agreed and added that he missed her being a pain in the ass. She wasn’t focused during the mission, seemingly distant. The Sokovian tried not to worry about the onslaught of information because the other two boys didn’t seem worried. But she couldn’t help but feel a little anxiety brew in her chest. Natasha was nothing like this, she always brought her A-game.
Afterwards, Wanda snuggled herself back in the bed against her girlfriend. She desperately wanted to see her big, green eyes open but for a few more hours, she decided to let the other girl sleep. However, now she felt as though she waited long enough.
The Sokovian shifted herself so she was facing Nat, tangling her hands in the other girl’s hair softly, “‘Tasha, time to wake up, sleeping beauty.”
Natasha’s eyelids squeezed shut tightly before disorientedly blinking open to a squint. She looked around the room absentmindedly before pulling her fuzzy blanket tightly around her shoulders and rolling over towards the wall, shutting her eyes again. She let out a huff of air.
“What has gotten into you today, my love?” Wanda questioned soothingly.
The younger girl ran her fingers up and down Natasha’s back to comfort her. She cringed when her fingers ran over Natasha’s protruding spine but brushing it off, assuming it was just the position the other girl had snuggled into.
But something felt off to Wanda. Her intuition was never wrong.
“Nati?”
“Please Wanda, go away, i’m tired.” Natasha snapped.
Another characteristic of malnutrition, irritability. Natasha’s personality was already fiery to begin with, but Nat was always gentle with her girlfriend. Wanda was sensitive and she would never do anything to hurt her intentionally.
Natasha sighed and pinched her fingers to the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache already forming. She knew she needed to get up but she felt entirely too exhausted. She felt weak and shaky from low glucose levels. She silently cursed herself for putting herself in this situation.
She knew that if she really wanted to, she could stop restricting her intake, or get help. The part of her brain that was able to easily block out trauma and emotions, it was still there. It had been there since she was born. If she willed herself enough to block the addiction of starvation out, she knew she would most likely dissociate. Nat had done that too many times in the red room, so that she didn’t have to be aware of what they were doing to her. She knew she couldn’t hold herself in a dissociative state for a long period of time. So, maybe she was wrong. Maybe she really couldn’t stop.
Natasha sat up slowly, still turned away from Wanda so the younger girl wouldn’t see her cringing in pain as she did so. She pushed herself off the bed, black dots lining her vision. She was very aware of her girlfriend’s intense stare on her back, making sure that she was okay. Nat was pretty sure that Wanda could physically feel the exhaustion that was rolling off of her in waves.
“What’s on the schedule today?” Natasha asked, placing her hands on her hips, internally trying to calm her racing heart while retaining an excellent poker face.
“Are you hungry?” Her girlfriend questioned.
“No.” Natasha answered too quick okay for liking. Of course, at the exact moment she denied hunger, her stomach rumbled loudly and painfully.
Wanda glared at her and sent her a look that practically said, ‘You are the worst liar.’
“Your body clearly doesn’t agree with you-,”
“-Yes it does, i’m too tired to eat.”
“Natasha, no you are not.”
“Listen, if i said i’m not hungry, i’m not hungry!” The older girl yelled.
Wanda gave her infamous head tilt in response, running her tongue over her teeth in frustration. She heard a voice in her head, one that was not hers, but Natasha’s telling her to leave it alone.
“Well, Steve and Sam already briefed the team on the mission, so you got yourself out of that one. They said something about ‘Nat was off and wasn’t calculated like she normally is’. Wanda paused for a second, waiting for a reaction that she didn’t receive. “Other than that, you promised me a training session when you returned.”
Nat nodded her head, keeping herself composed.
“It’s my first day back from the mission, don’t i get kisses?” She deterred from the conversation.
“Of course.”
A huge smile overtook Wanda’s features and she nodded quickly, sliding across the bed in one swift motion and crashing her lips into her girlfriend’s. Nat smiled into the kiss, feeling elated and distracted for a few moments. Wanda rested her hand against the other girl’s abdomen, her once taut muscles now faded and concaved. Natasha grabbed her hand, deciding to distract her from the feeling. She raised their interlocked hands above their heads, twisting them around and pinning Wanda against the wall behind them.
Their lips never lost contact until Wanda’s back hit the wall and she gasped, coming up from air. Natasha smirked in response, running her pointer finger down Wanda’s perfectly toned abs until she reached the waistband of her leggings. The other girl squirmed in response and Nat pulled away with the most devilish look on her face.
“I’m gonna get in the shower and you, are going to warm up in the gym and wait for me.”
“Or i could join you?” Wanda propositioned.
Natasha vetoed, shaking her head with her signature close lipped smile and eyebrow raise. Over the past month, the red head has been purposefully been pulling away from sexual acts. She didn’t want her girlfriend to notice any changes in her body and try to take this away from her. Wanda didn’t seem to mind, their relationship didn’t revolve around sex.
Wanda returned to her own room to change into workout clothes, leaving the other girl with a kiss. Natasha let out a breath she felt like she was holding. She slid her back down the wall, placing her head between her knees, willing her dizziness to fade. She did a good job at putting up a mask in front of other but when she was alone, her eating disorder seemed to demand all of her attention.
Her phone vibrated and she snapped out of her thoughts, grabbing it off the nightstand. Her face contorted in confusion. Clint. They texted almost everyday but he didn’t call unless there was something wrong, she answered immediately.
“Barton.”
“Romanoff.”
Natasha took a beat, for whatever reason, she felt like a little kid about to be scolded by their parents.
“It’s happening again?” Clint sounded slightly frustrated but his tone was laced with worry.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Wow, for someone who pretends to know everything, you sure are dense.”
Natasha scoffed.
“I only act like it.”
“Alright, enough of this, Wanda texted me, she’s worried. Are you losing weight again?”
She had a feeling it was coming.
“Ive been… compromised.”
Clint sighed on the other end of the phone, muttering something to Laura.
“Natasha, can you get a handle on this?”
“Of course i can, who do you think i am?”
Clint ended the conversation, not knowing the extent how bad Natasha’s weight loss had become. He had only been around for the accidental weight loss. What was happening now was entirely different. He let her know that she could return to the farmhouse anytime if she was in need of support. And that she should be honest with her girlfriend. Shit.
Wanda.
Wanda was the one who contact Clint to voice her worry. Shit.
Natasha stabilized herself and stood up, wiping away a stray tear she hadn’t known about, from rolling down her cheek. Her chest felt tight and she couldn’t tell if it was a side effect of starvation or the beginning of a panic attack. She settled on both for the answer.
Deciding to skip the shower, knowing it would only increase her unsteadiness. She headed down to the gym, finding her girlfriend on the floor in a middle split, stretching over to one side. Her cheeks blushed at the view and she made no effort to conceal it.
“No shower huh?” Wanda questioned, observing the other girls dry hair.
“Clint called, i had business to take care of.” It was almost a warning to back off.
Wanda read the room and dropped the topic, easily feeling the panic radiate off the older girl. She kept her mouth shut, for now. Because she only knew this would escalate into a fight if she badgered her. Tension filled the room and a suffocating silence forced its way in between them.
The couple prepped for sparing, pulling their hair up into ponytails and wrapping their hands with a band to prevent damage. They quickly fell into stance, standing across from each other, balancing on the balls of their feet with their hands up in tight, closed fists. Natasha with a smirk on her face, naturally.
Wanda took the first step forward, throwing a punch at Natasha’s shoulder and landing it. The older girl stumbled backwards, knowing it would leave a bruise due to her low iron levels.
“Getting rusty?” Wanda teased with a furrow in her brow.
Natasha sent a glare in her direction and fell back into defense. Wanda threw another punch and this time the other girl ducked quickly and grabbed ahold of her girlfriend around the waist, propelling herself forwards, succeeding in slamming Wanda’s back into the mat. The Sokovian retaliated swiftly, wrapping her legs around Nat’s waist and flipping them over so now the other girl was pinned.
Natasha felt her head spin with stars as she laid there staring at the ceiling, labored breathing. If she were in the right mind space, she would be reveling at how much her girlfriend had improved. She might have even found it hot, being pinned down underneath Wanda’s weight. But the only thing that was on her mind is that she was short of breath and the ceiling of the room was moving in waves with her vision. Her ears started ringing and she felt extremely heavy, like her body was about to give up.
She still retained her immaculate poker face, accepting Wanda’s hand as she was pulled to her feet. Wanda was speaking to her, saying something that she couldn’t hear because the damn buzzing in her head wouldn’t give up. She felt herself start to sway to the left so she planted her feet firmly into the ground and threw her arms up in late response to Wanda foot flying towards her chest. She wrapped her shaky hands around the other girls ankle and pulled towards herself to knock her Wanda off her feet. It worked, but somehow, Natasha ended up on the ground beside her, on Wanda’s account.
Nat zoned out for a minute, evening out her breathing to prevent fainting. She was progressively feeling more faint as time went on. She felt sweaty, yet she was freezing cold at the same time. She was quite literally shocked back into reality by Wanda, the tips of her fingers resting on Natasha’s chest, red mist gently dancing about. The ringing in her ears had abruptly stopped.
“You shocked me.” The older girl realized, her voice exasperated.
Written on her girlfriend’s face was nothing but pure concern and Nat tried to sit up, to show that she was okay. Wanda quickly flattened her palm and pushed the other girl back into the mat, “Stay down. You’re finished.”
There was no room to argue with her. When Wanda wanted something, oh she was going to get it. The universe was usually on her side when she was determined. Natasha gave up the idea of standing her ground and put her hands up in surrender, only then did the other girl remove her hand.
Wanda shuffled about quickly, grabbing a water bottle and twisting the cap open, lifting Natasha’s head with one hand to support her and tilting the bottle towards her mouth, “You need to hydrate.”
The younger girls accent was cutting through with such clarity. Something her girlfriend had picked up on was that it only happened when Wanda was upset in some way. She started to feel guilty, observing the other girl’s reaction to how weak she was becoming. Hurting Wanda was the very last thing on her list. It wasn’t even on her list, it was just the very last thing she would consider doing ever. In that moment, she felt like screaming, at herself, Wanda, the sky, anything or everyone. The universe for putting the world on her back and not in her hands.
“Nati,” Wanda broke the silence, her voice so small and so sweet that Natasha almost completely caved in at the sound. “What is happening?”
“Nothing, nothing babygirl. It’s okay, i told you, i really am tired.”
“Please, cut the shit,” Her tone was firm but still velvety soft so that the other girl wouldn’t think she was mad. “I can feel it, you know you can’t lie to me. I’m a human lie detector.”
Natasha was still trying to calm her heart beating relentlessly against her ribcage. She almost thought she was going to throw up from the confrontation. She reached to cup Wanda’s cheek with a shaky hand. Instead, the other girl clasped both of her hands in between her own, noticing how they were trembling and clutching them tightly. Nat had to pull herself out of the moment. She was so angry with herself for not being more careful. Yet, she knew she was about to melt in the love of her life’s hands like putty.
“Natalia, please please please, just tell me i’m wrong about this.”
The moment Nat heard her birth name out loud, she melted. Suddenly, there were tears running down both girl’s faces. Wanda was frantically trying to wipe Natasha’s tears away, she hated seeing the other girl cry. She had only encountered that occasion twice before, the first time after Natasha woke up from a nightmare. The second, the first time Wanda said i love you.
“I wish i could tell you that you’re wrong.”
And Wanda’s silent tears turned into heart wrenching sobs.
“How could i let this happen? It’s all my fault.”
“Don’t say that, please don’t say that.” Nat pleaded, knowing it was far from the truth.
“I should have figured it out, i could have stopped you, helped you.”
Natasha sat up quickly, pulling her hands out of Wanda’s grasp and throwing her arms around her girlfriend’s body. She held on tightly and pulled the younger girl into her lap, holding her head against her chest as Wanda shook with overwhelming tears.
“This has nothing to do with you.” Nat promised. “Absolutely do not blame yourself.”
“You’ve lost so much w-weight, it scares me. Tell me how it’s not my fault i didn’t notice?” Wanda’s voice cracking throughout the sentence.
“Look at me Wanda,” She loosened her grip on the younger girl and held her face between her palms. “You didn’t notice because i made it that way. I’m a spy, that’s literally what i do for my day job. You really think i would have given you any hints about this?”
Wanda was tired of avoiding the elephant in the room. She had a tendency to be quite blunt sometimes, letting her thoughts be heard.
“Can you stop saying ‘this’, Nat? This is Anorexia.”
The air in Natasha’s lungs was knocked out at once. She always held onto some form of denial that she even had a problem to begin with. Hearing it out loud, made it feel more real. She was afraid if it was spoken out loud that it would be true, that ‘this’ was her reality.
“No it isn’t!” Natasha snapped and Wanda flinched away. The older girl regretted her reaction immediately. “Stop it, c’mere. I’ll be okay, you don’t have to worry about this because i have it all under control. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? No, i’m sorry that you genuinely believe that. It’s bullshit. You do not have one single ounce of control right now. You’re spinning out.”
“I know but I’m still sorry too.”
The girls had moved positions so they were sitting across from each other on the gym floor. The older girl with her knees tucked into her chest and the younger girl sitting criss cross, her hands balled into the sleeves of her hoodie she was wearing. No, Natasha’s hoodie.
“You do not have to apologize for this, ever. You never have to apologize for mental illness or trauma. You can’t help those. This is not. your. fault.” Wanda promised, emphasizing the last three words.
“I can promise you, all of this, was never my intention. I just, i guess, i don’t know any other way to cope. I thought that if i lost weight and didn’t look like who the red room trained me to be, i would be in control. I would have freedom from my past. I know it’s stupid. And selfish, but you’re right. Ive never been more out of control. I’m spiraling.” Natasha admitted, entirely done withholding the truth.
“It’s not stupid, it makes perfect sense, dorogáya.”
The Russian’s lips twitched into a smile hearing her girlfriend use her native language. It almost pulled her out of the serious confrontation they were in the middle of. Technically dorogáya was the right word, it did in fact mean darling, it was just used wrong. But Wanda still tried and it made Natasha’s heart swell. She was in deep. Deep enough to let Wanda in on the darkest parts of herself, and that was saying something.
The fact that Wanda was so ever-lovingly compassionate and empathetic made the room start spinning again. Not because of her eating disorder but out of pure love. And the fact that she was starting to regret not letting the other girl in sooner. Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn’t have gotten to this point. She wouldn’t be sitting on the wrong side of rock bottom.
“Malen'kaya ved'ma, you mean the absolute fucking world to me. I could never repay you for everything you’ve done for me, despite our rocky beginning.”
Wanda wiped her eyes with her hoodie sleeve, unsuccessfully trying to stop them, and forged a sad smile.
“Natasha, you are everything but what they trained you to be. You have made quite a life for yourself. I know you don’t see it yet, but you wiped out all the red in your ledger the moment you signed up to be an avenger. Your past, is in the past. You are living proof that hope exists. You are radiant and sassy and beautiful and soft, even though you don’t like to be. I’d be the worst girlfriend, no not even girlfriend, the worst person. The worst person ever to not help convince you of this. You are simply brilliant, my love.”
Natasha was rendered speechless at the sentiment but she managed three words that felt like everything her brain and heart wanted to say but couldn’t, “I love you.”
“You will persevere. You will fight this. I can’t fight it for you, though i desperately wish i could. I swear on everything, on Pietro. That i will hold your hand while you work on yourself to get better.”
Yet again, the other girl was at a lost for words, her heart ached in her chest for the words she wanted to say but couldn’t form properly, “I fucking love you.”
“I know. I need you to understand that you can not recover if you don’t do it for yourself. You can’t do this for the team. It has to be for yourself. You have to want it.” Wanda stressed.
“I do, i want this, more than anything. I want to get better from this,” Natasha paused at her word usage and corrected herself because if she wanted to get better, she needed to accept the problem in the first place. “I want to recover from my eating disorder, i need to. I know i can, as long as i have you on my side.”
“Always, Natasha. I am always on your side.”
“Perfect, then i am right where i need to be.”
Natasha let out a breath of air that she feels like she’s been holding in for the past six months. She felt nothing but the weight of the world lift off of her shoulders. She would get better, she knew she would. She has always been a fighter and now wasn’t any different. and, she genuinely wanted to. All she needed this whole time was to know she wouldn’t have to go through this alone.
“Good, because i cannot afford to lose anyone else, especially you.” Her girlfriend stressed.
“You know, someone once told me, ‘the steps you take don’t have to be big, they just have to take you in the right direction.’”
“They were absolutely right.”
Natasha nodded, leaning forward and clasping her hand around the base of Wanda’s neck softly, pulling her in for a kiss. Their lips melted together perfectly, like this moment existed for them and only them. Natasha’s tears still made their way down her cheeks, meddling with the kiss, making it taste salty. It didn’t matter to either girl because all Natasha felt in that moment was love and light. And hope, a luxury she didn’t know she could have.
“And one more thing,” Wanda spoke gently, breaking the kiss and resting their foreheads together, “I love you too.”