"I- you- I don't- what?"
"I'm so sorry." Perrie repeated tearfully.
"I don't understand. What's Maddie said? What happened?"
"She said your mam's husband came to your dad's earlier. He wanted to tell them in person... apparently she had a heart attack at work and died in hospital." Perrie sighed heavily. "I really didn't want to ruin your night like this babe, but I'm worried about Maddie. She wasn't crying or anything, but she asked for you... she's just... sitting there, I said I'd call you. I offered to take her home but she wants you."
I rubbed my eyes hard. "Perrie I don't know what to do. I need to come back but we're both drunk, it's five in the morning-"
"I could come and get you."
"That'd take twice as long. And Lauren's car would be stranded in Manchester.
"I don't know what to do either." Perrie said.
"I'll ring you back in a few minutes, okay? Tell Maddie I'm figuring it out, I'm coming back."
"Okay babe. I'm... I'm really sorry Jakob."
I hung up without replying and turned to Lauren, blinking sleepily at me.
"What's going on? Why do you need to go home?"
I opened my mouth but the words stuck in my throat. It took a full twenty seconds before I eventually whispered, "my mother's dead."
Lauren struggled out of bed and sat next to me, putting her arm around my shoulder. I shrugged her off, standing up and going to the window.
"What happened?"
"Heart attack. Maddie's at mine, she went there expecting me to be there and I'm not. I need to get home."
"Now?!"
"Yeah now, but I don't know how."
"I'm sorry Jakers, I can't drive in this state. If we get pulled, I'm fucked."
I grabbed my trainers I had travelled in and shoved them on, not even thinking about changing out of my attire that I went out in that night. "D'you know where the train station is from here?"
"Yeah, it's right tound the - you can't get the train now!"
"I have to. I need to get back and I can't think of another way. You can still sleep it off and drive back up later can't you?"
"Course I could, but I can't let you get the train by yourself!"
"I'll be fine Lauren, don't worry."
"No, chuck us my shoes."
"I-"
"I said chuck us my shoes, the least I'm doing is walking you there."
**
"This is ir." I said, standing up as the train pulled in. It had cost me a fortune but it was the only thing I could think of.
"Right, text me when you get back, yeah? You'll be okay getting home?"
"I'll be fine. I'm really sorry Lauren, I feel terrible leaving you."
"Don't be daft, I'm a big girl. Everything's fine, I'll ring you later on."
"Okay... go get some sleep. I'm sorry."
"Don't be! Jakers, I'm really sorry about your mum."
I ignored the sympathy and grabbed my backpack I had stuffed with my essentials. "I better go. I'll make this up to you. Be careful, Lauren."
"I'm fine Jake, go on. I'll see you later."
I rang Perrie when I was seated on the train, chewing the nails on my free hand. I didn't feel tired, or even drunk anymore. I didn't really know how I felt.
"Hey babe." Perrie sounded exhausted.
"Hey... Pez you sound knackered. I'm really sorry."
"Why? You've not done anything. What's happening then?"
"I'm on a train. It gets to King's Cross just before nine, so I should be home before ten. How's Maddie?"
"She's asleep on the couch, I told her she could go upstairs but she said she wanted to wait for you. She's flat out though babe, I don't think she'll be up any time soon."
"Right."
"I'll get Carl to come and get you so I can stay with her."
"Are you sure he won't mind?"
"It's his job babe."
"You've not had any sleep or anything, Perrie I'm sorry."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine, I've got coffee." I smiled slightly to myself. "It's just crap I had to call you and ruin your night."
"Hmm."
"How are you babe?"
"Just feel a bit groggy that's all. I'll probably catch an hour on the train."
"I meant about your mam-"
"I've got to go, there's a tunnel coming up." I said quickly, and I hung up, biting my nails again. The train had only just picked up speed and there wasn't a tunnel in sight.
I rummaged for my earphones and put them in, turning the music up as loud as it would go and leaning back. But my thoughts were still louder.
**
I got out of the car with some difficulty, muttering a thank you to Carl and squinting my sensitive eyes against the sun, unusually bright for September. My head was banging and i was too tired to function; someone had got on the train with a crying baby just as I had shut my eyes and drifted off, and it hadn't shut up the rest of the way back.
Perrie opened the door before I could raise my key and stepped outside, wrapping her arms around me tightly. "Bear."
I buried my face in her shoulder. I could readily have fallen asleep right there.
"You look shattered babe."
"Where's Maddie?"
"Still asleep."
"Does my dad know she's here?"
"Course, I rang him straight away last night."
"I'm really sorry you've had to deal with all of this."
Perrie pulled away, smiling, and placed a hand on my face. "Your my boyfriend. Your problems are my problems." She winked.
"I better see to her... will you do me a favour and leave Lauren a text? Let her know I'm back, she'll kill me if I don't."
"Yeah, sure. Do you want a coffee?"
"So much. Thanks babe."
I knelt by the couch and gently shook Maddie awake. "Oi, little sis. Wakey wakey!"
Maddie sat up, quickly, then saw me. "You're back?"
"I'm back, yes."
"Already?"
"Yeah, I got the train."
Maddie bit her lip, pulling her knees to her chest. "Sorry J."
"Yeah I should think so, what are you doing running across London in the middle of the night?"
"I needed to talk to you... I forgot you weren't here. How - how was the gig?"
"We can talk about that another time. Dad must've been crazy worried about you, you fool."
Maddie raised her tear-filled eyes to meet mine. "Mum's dead, J."
I didn't know what to say. I had been trying to hold back my feelings for several hours, ever since Perrie had first broke the news to me. Maddie was looking at me as if she was afraid of what I was going to say. Nothing was coming out.
"She died on Wednesday."
"What?"
"Her husband- Jack said she died on Wednesday. He only came round last night. He said we had a right to know... th- the funeral's on Thursday next week."
"Right."
"I want to go."
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"I want to go."
"Have you spoke to dad-"
"Will you come with me?"
"Me?!" I spluttered. I hadn't been expecting that. "Why would I want to go?"
Maddie stared at me blankly. "Because she's our mum."
"She wasn't though was she?" I said before I could stop myself. "Least of all to you."
Perrie chose that moment to step into the room, a mug in each hand. "Sorry, d'you want me to-"
"No need, I'm going home." Maddie said, throwing the blanket from around her and standing up. I did the same, following her out into the hall and glancing apologetically at Perrie.
"Hang on..."
"No, forget it. I should've known you wouldn't be one bit sorry she's dead."
"What?! I never said that!"
"You don't need to."
"Maddie hang on." Perrie chipped in. "I'll take you home."
"I'll walk."
"No you won't, I'll take you home." She said firmly. She tossed her car keys at Maddie from the table in the hall. "Go and wait in the car, don't argue with me."
Maddie didn't even look at me, storming out of the house and slamming the door.
"For fuck's sake." I muttered.
"Babe, she's upset. Look, let me take her home, I'll be really quick yeah?"
I just nodded. I didn't have the energy to try and get Maddie to speak to me, or to really do anything. "I'm sorry Perrie."
"Don't, Jake. I'll be half an hour, yeah?"
She kissed my forehead and left the house, leaving mr stood awkwardly in the hall. I dragged myself to the sofa and curled up, dragging the blanket over me and closing my eyes. I couldn't think of anything else to do but sleep at that moment. My head was banging, spinning, and my eyes were burning with tiredness.
And I needed to put off thinking about my mother for as long as I could.
**
"Bear... baby?"
I opened my eyes and closed them again immediately, a shooting pain going through my head. "What?"
"Sorry, you've been out of it a while, I was worried."
"What time is it?"
"Nearly three."
"That's not long enough." I groaned, sitting up and clutching my head.
Perrie smiled, a glass of water and tablets at the ready. "Here you go."
"Thank you. Have you spoken to Lauren?"
"She rang before she set off, she's fine. I said to still come over tonight."
I nodded, not really taking it in. "What about Maddie?"
"She's just upset babe. I said you'll ring her tomorrow. She said she wouldn't answer but... she will."
"Right."
Perrie shuffled closer, stroking my hair. "Are you alright?"
"My head's banging, that's all."
"I mean about your mam babe."
I jerked my head out of the way of her hand, struggling to free my legs from the blanket. "I'm gonna go for a shower, I'll feel better."
"Bear."
"What!"
"You need to talk to me."
"What about?"
"About your mam."
"She wasn't me mam." I sneered, needlessly and cruelly mocking her accent. "It makes no difference to me. She might as well have been dead all this time anyway."
I expected Perrie to follow me upstairs, but she left me alone. I wanted to run back to her and apologise but I continued up, slamming the bathroom door. I didn't know what was going on in my own head. I didn't know what to do, what to say or how to react to this. But in the time it took me to shower and change into some tracksuit pants and an old football shirt, the same words were going around in my head. Mum's dead. Mum's dead. Mum's dead, J.
Over and over again. Like my mind was trying to make me react to it, somehow. Do something. Anything.
I found Perrie smoking by the kitchen window. When she saw me, she put it out.
"I don't mind, you know."
She shook her head. "I made you another brew, your last one was cold. How's your head?"
"A bit better... thanks."
"Lauren text you... I hope you don't mind me checking. I knew it would be her. She should be here within the hour."
"Right. Pez, I'm sorry for snapping at you."
"Don't worry about it."
"No I will, you've been nothing but brilliant and - I'm sorry, okay?"
Perrie nodded, handing over my mug and placing her hands on my middle. "I'm really sorry about your mam."
"Will you please stop saying that?" I stepped out of her reach, turning away from her and standing by the door, staring fixatedly into the garden.
"Jakob, you don't have to act like you're not upset."
"I'm not!" I scoffed. "I'm tired and pissed off and I've got headache from hell, but I'm not upset. Why does everyone think I should be crying my eyes out over someone I never even knew?! I just want you to drop it."
"No I won't drop it, this isn't you."
"Whatever." I sighed, once again leaving my drink to go cold and striding to the door, dragging a pair of trainers towards me and sitting on the stairs to put them on.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"For a walk, I need to get away from you fucking nagging at me."
"Babe I'm not, I'm just saying I know how you must feel and don't have to be strong for me, you-"
"Get it into your thick head Perrie, I'm not pretending to be strong, I just don't care." I snapped, pushing past her and grabbing her car keys, then diving back into the kitchen for my phone.
"What are you doing? You don't have a licence."
"Doesn't mean I can't drive."
"Stop it, Jakob! Come back in."
I completely ignored Perrie and ran to the car, locking the doors as soon as I sat down and revving the engine loudly, speeding off without even looking back.
**
Perrie's POV:
I opened the door to Lauren reluctantly, not looking forward to explaining to her why Bear wasn't there.
"Hey up Pezza." She smiled drowsily.
"Hey Loz." I said hugging her. "Look, I'm really sorry but today's not exactly gone to plan... Jakob's not here."
"Eh? Where is he?"
"I don't know." I said, holding my breath for a second, determined not to cry.
I explained to Lauren what had happened since Jakob had come home. She just stood there with her arms folded, nodding.
"Do you think we should go and look for him? I've left messages but-"
"No, I don't think we should actually."
"But he's upset and alone and his head's probably all over the place."
"I know. And he'll come back here when he's good and ready, he'll apologise for being such a dick, tell you he loves you and he'll have a good cry, believe me."
"You think so?"
"I know so. Jakers will bottle things up until you almost have to beat it out of him. He's grown up keeping his problems to himself because he didn't want to make life any harder for his dad. This is a crappy situation, he probably hasn't got a clue how to feel."
"He said he doesn't give a shit, but I don't believe him."
"To be fair Pezza, he probably doesn't. He hasn't lost anything. He probably can't remember one good thing about his mum. But even after everything he's been through, Jake's one of the most loving, good-hearted people in this stupid world, so he's probably tearing his hair out trying to feel something like loss because it's wrong to him to feel nothing, especially in a situation like this."
I stared dumbfounded at Lauren as she made her way into the kitchen and switched the kettle on. "Sorry, do you mind?"
"Course not hun, help yourself. Sorry, I'm a crap host."
"Want one?"
"No, thanks."
"He'll be back before you know it Pezza, honestly."
"Yeah... I can't help it though. Last time he stormed off, I know it was ages ago, but I just had visions of someone swinging a bottle at him or something... I know it's daft."
"I know what you mean. The only people who've never fucked him over are me and his family, it's hard for me to believe everyone he meets won't hurt him. He just seems to attract shite."
"I love him." I said, a touch defensively. Lauren laughed loudly, shaking her head and grinning at me.
"I know that Pezza. You'd have to be blind or dead not to. I wasn't having a go at you."
"He means the world to me." I continued regardless. "I'd go to the ends of the earth for him, there isn't one thing I can think of that I wouldn't do for him. I don't care what he was like before, I just want him to come back now." Lauren just smiled at me. I felt a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden so I added. "And if I'm honest, I wouldn't be stupid enough to risk a scrap with you Lozza."
Again, she laughed loudly. "Damn right Pezza! I'll drink this and get going. Believe me, he'll be back before the night's out. I bet you anything. In fact I'm pretty sure of where he is, but trust me, it's best to leave him to it."
Jakob's POV:
I ended up on the roof of the building that held the weight of all of the problems of my youth. I was freezing, but I didn't care. It gave me something to feel.
It was dark by the time I pulled my phone out of my pocket to finally check the messages I knew I would have.
Perrie: Come back, I'll shut up and leave you alone but come back please xxx
Lauren: Hey you. We know where you are but don't worry, we're not gonna come and drag you down. Get yourself home soon yeah? Pezza's worried about you x
I raised the phone to my ear to listen to the three voicemails I had, my heart sinking more after each one.
"Bear, this is stupid, come back home, please... don't make things worse by getting pulled over without a licence, just come back and I won't say another word all night I swear."
"Right, you do know I don't have to wait for you to get back? Technically if I just report my car stolen, the police'll bring you home anyway? If that's what it takes for you to come back, I'll do it. I'm serious Jakob, come home."
"Babe... I'm sorry I ernt off on one. Lauren's been round, I know where you are and I really wanna come and get you but... just come back soon yeah? You know how daft I am and how much I worry. Just be careful. I miss you. I've not even kissed those gorgeous lips since Friday morning..."
The message ended and I deleted them all, pocketing my phone again. She deserved an explanation as to why I'd stormed off, but I didn't have one.
I got to my feet and started to slowly make my way back through the pitch black, broken building. Hoping by the time I got home I would have figured out what to say to Perrie. I gasped loudly as I slipped on the last few steps, losing my grip and falling, landing hard on my front at the bottom.
"Shit." I cursed, clutching my right arm and struggling upright. I had to go outside where there was a little more light to see the deep cut on my forearm. "You bloody idiot." I muttered.
Great. Now I was talking to myself.
I could only find tissues in Perrie's car. They would have to do for now. I'd have to tell her anyway; the front of my shirt was filthy, and the bottom had ripped a little bit.
Perrie was standing at the door when I got back. When she saw the car pull up, she went inside, leaving the door open and I smiled to myself. She wanted me to go to her.
I found her in the kitchen again, not smoking this time, just hovering by the kettle.
"Hey."
"Hey babe."
"C-can you stick the kettle on? I promise I'll drink it this time."
Perrie smiled and started fussing around making tea.
"Pez?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you - could you grab me the first aid box while you're over there please?"
She looked at me properly, her eyes wide, and ran straight to my side. "What's wrong? Oh my god!" She gently hend my arm, instantly dotting her fingers with my blood. "Babe what happened?"
"I slipped that's all... coming down from the roof, it was dark. I just missed a step and tripped."
"Come here, sit. What did you cut it on?"
"I dunno. I didn't see."
"It might be infected."
"It just needs cleaning, I can do it."
"No, just sit still. Let me have a look."
I watched Perrie's face while she cleaned my arm and wrapped a thin bandage around it, biting my tongue as it stung.
"How's that feel?" She said, kissing the area.
"Fine." I stood up, pulling her with me. "Can I have a hug?"
"You don't have to ask." She said, holding me against her so tight I thought I could feel her heart beating. "I'm so glad you're home."
"Me too."
We stood in silence for several minutes, until Perrie pulled back and took my hand, leading me into the front roon and sitting down with me. She hesitantly raised her hands to my face. "Did you hurt anywhere else?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Yeah... babe I'm sorry. Before - I was a dick. I didn't mean it, you know that don't you?" I could feel tears beginning to build up behind my eyes.
"I know, Bear. I don't care about that. I just wanna know what you're thinking babe, I wanna help you."
"I can't - I don't know how to say - anything." I said. My throat was tight and Perrie was blurry now, looking at her through the tears desperate to fall.
"Don't be ashamed to cry, Bear. What have I always said to you? Everyone needs a mam, she was still your mam... it's alright to cry."
"It's not that." I said, a sob finally escaping me.
Perrie put her arms around me, knowing I was going to break any minute.
"Then what?"
"I'm not upset because my mother's dead. It's... it's that I never really had one to start with."
Perrie dragged me onto her lap, leaning back with me, her arms tight around me as I started to cry.
"Sshhh, babe I know... it's okay, I'm here."
She rocked me gently, occasionally pressing her lips to my forehead, holding me tight while I cried breathlessly into her chest, letting out years of hurt, bitterness and pain.