May 25th, 1994,
Dear diary, training with Cedric is going great, he's taught me so many new things. He's nothing like I had imagined him to be. I actually say we are friends at this point. We've been training 4 times a week after dinner. He was the last person I expected to become friends with. He's actually changed my views on Hufflepuff, maybe they aren't all pushovers like I thought.
Draco and I have been going to the astronomy tower regularly to watch the sunset. There has been nothing more than handholding and flirting, but with him I want to take it slow. Kissing and sex have never really meant anything to me, everyone just describes it as some big monument occasion but I don't see it like that. When I hold his hands I always tell him how much I like his rings, and he lets me try them on. But no matter how good it all seems now I can't help but think that he is only falling for me because of my "problem". I've tried to suppress it but it's always in the back of my mind, Mabey he's only feeling these things for me because I want him to...
June 1st, 1994
Dear diary, Luna got talking about her mum for the first time ever today. We were in astronomy and she leaned over to me and whispered
"This was my mum's favourite, she would talk about it all the time... But then she would get really sad,"
She said pointing to our textbook, she moved her finger and I could see she was pointing at the constellation Leo, her finger just below the Regulus star.
June 7th, 1994,
Dear Diary, today was terrible. In Defence Against the Dark Arts I faced a boggart. At first, I was worried it would be me in the Hufflepuff uniform or me standing in a field exploding with fireworks, but it wasn't me at all. It was Draco... It was Draco hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck, his lifeless body dangling there right in front of me. I couldn't perform the ridiculous spell, the sight of it brought back too many memories so I bolted. I ran out of the class and hid underneath the astronomy tower and cried for hours. I didn't go to any lessons for the rest of the day and I sat there until well after dark. I couldn't get the picture out of my head. What if I hurt Draco?. What if I hurt Draco like I hurt Charles?.
On my way to the dorms I ran into Draco who looked as if he had been looking for me all day, but I took a passage in between the west wing classrooms and thought I lost him but once I climbed up the stairs to the Ravenclaw tower I saw him there, sitting on the floor waiting for me. When he saw me he stood up and tried to talk to me but I pushed past him to get to the door. But conveniently the door can only open to the answer of a riddle. The riddle was
"The more of this there is, the less you see. What is it?"
... I didn't know, I was thinking and thinking but I had no idea. Then a quiet pained voice behind me said
"Darkness".
Then the door creaked open. Before I went to walk inside I looked back and it was Draco who I hadn't noticed till then was wiping tears from his eyes. He was crying. He said
"Y/N where did you go?. I followed you out of class but you were gone. I've been looking for you all day''
I turned the rest of the way around and was now standing face to face, directly in front of him.
"Can you please talk to me, what was that?"
But as soon as he said that I knew I couldn't tell him, I knew that he would hate me. So against my better judgement, I said nothing. I turned around and as I was shutting the door I heard Draco say "Please" in a weak and soft voice but I ignored him once again and closed the door behind me.
As I walked through the common room Luna came up to me and asked if I was okay and why I didn't come down for dinner but I ignored her too and kept walking to my room. I opened the door and when I went to sit on my bed there was a plate of food stopping me from pulling back my covers. The plate was full of my favourite foods and underneath the plate was a book "Advanced potion making". I lifted the plate up and put it on my nightstand and went to lift up the book when a note and something small fell off of it and rolled onto the floor. It was Draco's ring and a note saying "You said you liked it, so it's yours"
Luna came in and practically demanded I tell her. She looked so worried and to be honest I'm glad she pushed me. I needed to get it off my chest, it has been building up for too long. I said "Well before I left Beauxbaton, or should I say before I was expelled, I had a friend called Charles. We were best friends for two years. We were inseparable and after a while I guess he developed feelings for me. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes. Not because I liked him but because if I told him I didn't I would lose him forever. So I lied. He was trying so hard but I began to resent him for it. Bringing me flowers in the middle of the day, telling me he loved me constantly, wanting to spend all his time with me and after a while I snapped. I told him I didn't love him and I never would. I told him he was annoying and that I wanted him to leave me alone. Later that night I was telling my friends horrible secrets and lies about him just to make myself feel better because I knew what I did was horrible. Turns out he was listening from behind a corner and heard everything. He ran through the room where me and my friends were and he was crying. There was something keeping me awake later that night and once all my friends were asleep I went to check on Charles and apologise for everything.
The door was unlocked and when I turned on the light" I was no longer crying as I told the story but I was sobbing and luna pulled me into a hug even tighter than before. "When I turned on the lights I saw Charles hanging from the curtain rod of his bed" luna looked shocked and tears filled her eyes. "When I saw him I wanted to die myself, I could have then and there. I knew it was all my fault. I screamed for help waking up most of the students and some teachers. As I frantically tried to get him down.I cut the rope with one of his roommate's pocket knives and he fell into my lap and we both collapsed to the floor. By then there were at least 30 students in the doorway trying to see what was going on. But I was just sitting there trying to untie the noose from around him and crying like I never had before. Two teachers managed to break through the crowd and when they saw what happened they had no idea what to do. One of the teachers was professor Miguel Jean and without hesitation, he ripped Charles from my arms and ran him to the infirmary where he was pronounced dead that morning.".
Luna was wiping her tears away trying to stop me from seeing just how upset she was but I could tell that it was worse than she had ever expected. I lost count of the hours we spent on my bed with luna holding me but at least an hour later I told her that I understand if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore but she hugged me tighter before I could finish my sentence.
"It's a terrible tragedy but why did you get expelled, it was his own choices and actions". I knew that wasn't true but I didn't have the heart to tell her the whole story just yet, so I just hugged her tighter. I was actually beginning to dose when I heard her say in a faint voice
"Don't worry Y/N, I won't tell anyone. And frankly, I'm so sorry you had to go through that, losing your best friend and having his dead body in your arms" I cut her off
"If he was lifeless when he fell on top of me I wouldn't be able to see the Thestrals". I said and the expression on Luna's face changed completely, now she understood not only was I the reason for his death, but he died in my arms.
June 14th, 1994
Dear Diary, I went to class for the first time since the incident yesterday. everybody was looking at me all day, even my own housemates. the only good part about today was when I practised quidditch with Cedric. He's started calling me minnow, he says it means little fish. it's weird but I kinda like it.
Draco has sent me a few letters.
Fawley, please talk to me, ill be in the astronomy tower.
Yours, D.
It's been three days, Please talk to me, you know where ill be.
Yours, D
You starting to scare me now, I haven't seen you for a week. Please respond I just want to know if you are alright
D
I don't have the heart to respond. Not yet.
June 19th, 1994,
Dear Diary, I was sitting on the astronomy tower with my legs dangling off the edge. I was thinking about Charles, but my thoughts were interrupted when I heard footsteps climbing up the stairs. I didn't move I just sat there as a figure came into view taking a seat next to me
"Fawley?"
"I don't want to talk about it Draco," I said still looking forward
He sat next to me and stared into the sunset with me.
"Did you not notice in my letters?, I never asked you to tell me why, I just wanted to know if you were okay, I just wanted to talk to you, I miss you" He said sounding so sad
This can't be fake, nobody would say that if they didn't have true feelings for me. So with that, I kissed him.