I remember exactly when I realized Remus Lupin was a werewolf.
It was shortly after the Christmas break. The fresh scar on his arm was impossible to miss That's when did I realize that his scars weren't his past but his present. Suddenly my mind opened up to new possibilities and everything fell into place.
It was so simple I was angry with myself that it took me so long to figure it out. I suspected it was because of how close we were. The darkest place is under the candlestick, you know. I never imagined that anyone like this would make contact with me, let alone be my lover.
How did I react? I was scared as hell. Remus wasn't the first werewolf I knew, after all, Greyback was in my life for as long as I can remember. That's why I knew it was better to stay away from people like him. Greyback was the cruellest person I knew. Fortunately, I didn't spend so much time with him to find out for myself, although every time he so much as looked at me, I felt shivers down my spine. However, I have heard stories about him from other people. Stories that I wouldn't be able to repeat myself.
Remus wasn't like that. That's why it was so hard for me to accept it. Remus was the complete opposite of Greyback, at least as far as I knew him and I wanted to believe I knew him well. Remus was the most tender man I have known in my entire life. If the need arose, I'd put my life in his hands for him to do with it as he saw fit. Yes, I trusted him so much.
Since then, I have been wondering what happened. So many questions with no chance of being answered. Was he bitten or was he born like that? How did he get all those scars? How did he deal with it? And most importantly, how was he such a good man despite this?
I wasn't going to admit to him that I had discovered his secret. After all, how were werewolves perceived by society? They were loners, sub-wizards and for some not even humans. Even I, up to this point, used to despise werewolves and thought of them as monstrous. Remus completely flipped my perception of them.
It was one of the things that suddenly became so obvious - no wonder Remus' robes looked the way they did, when it was so hard to get him a job. The fact that Dumbledore had hired him, probably well aware of his ailments, was a whole different matter which I couldn't judge impartially.
I didn't want him to think I felt sorry for him. I knew what it was like to be surrounded by pity and I didn't want him to feel that way in front of me. It wasn't worth it.
If I thought Remus and I had been strange for the previous three months, we had to be in another dimension now. After we broke up, he tried to treat me like any other student but he didn't always succeed. Sometimes, while everyone else was busily writing on their parchments, we looked at each other for longer than was appropriate or exchanged glances during meals in the Great Hall. It somehow comforted me that it was difficult not only for me but also for him.
Everything had changed now. He was ignoring me completely. He didn't respond to my "good morning professor" when I showed up first in class. I didn't catch him staring at me anymore, he didn't even look in my direction, as if he subconsciously knew where I was all the time. And when I volunteered to answer his question he pretended not to notice, even when my hand was the only one raised.
I didn't know what he thought about me or if what I said meant anything to him at all. Maybe it did, maybe it made him angry. I wouldn't be surprised if he was angry that he made a teenager, whom all she could do was cause him trouble, fell in love with him.
It hurt me. Not the fact that he reacted like that, because he had every right to do so, but the fact that I was the reason for it. I failed him. I didn't know what I expected, that the truth would never come out? We didn't live in a fairy tale, people didn't forgive such things. There was no happy ending for people like me.
And life went on. The teachers put more attention to their work than usual, giving students exorbitantly big amounts of homework and being even more critical. The end of the school year was just around the corner and everyone seemed to feel it. Everyone else appeared to be counting down the days except me.
For me, summer meant going home and doing everything I hated so much. I was more nervous day by day and when I tried to sneak out of the castle again one night, I was caught by Flitwick. Of course, this earned me a detention. However, Flitwick had always been a kind teacher, so the idea of spending an afternoon stacking books in his class was not the worst. Snape would certainly think of something more dreadful.
The next day, I showed up in his class a few minutes early, hoping that would make him let me out sooner.
"Oh, how good it's that you're already here, Miss Jenkins!" Flitwick greeted me, "Unfortunately, I have to postpone your detention to another day. Professor Lupin needs my assistance with something."
The sound of his name raised my attention. A thought immediately popped into my head. I knew it was wrong, I knew Remus avoided me for a reason, but the truth was I missed him and the idea of spending time alone with him was too tempting.
"Sir, maybe I could do it for you?" I suggested, trying not to sound too enthusiastic.
Flitwick laughed. "Since when have students been so eager to fulfil their punishment?"
"It's not that." I assured him. In my mind, I wondered what reason would have sounded like he was doing me a favour. "I'm usually quite busy and since I've found the time today... I'd rather do it now than cancel a meeting with my friends later."
The man thought for a moment. My thumbs were pressed so firmly in the pockets of my robe that I feared they would snap.
"Okay, fair enough." He spoke finally, "However, ask the professor whether your support is sufficient and if he need someone more competent, please let me know."
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. "Of course."
I didn't know what I was doing. I totally switched off my brain and acted purely on the instinct. I knew Remus would be upset with me, but it was pushed to the back of my mind at the time. I was so desperate to see him that I'd take anything, even if he'd shout at me the entire time.
I knocked on his classroom door and I saw his face changing as I walked in. I was the last person he expected to see.
I closed the door behind me so that no one accidentally looked into the room. Habit.
"Professor Flitwick sent me as his replacement." I said calmly, though my heart was starting to lose its regular rhythm. He also told me to ask you something, but I won't admit that to you.
Remus was sitting at his desk, surrounded by piles of papers. I was pleased to find that he looked good. Healthy. The full moon was nowhere near tonight.
He was tense, it happened as soon as he noticed me. His movements lost their smoothness, his posture was stiff. His jaw was clenched and although it was evident that he would most like to shove me out of the room, he didn't.
"I suppose it's a pure coincidence?" He asked with a pinch of scepticism.
"If it's a coincidence, it's a damn strong one." These words felt familiar. It only took a moment for me to remember saying the same thing at the beginning of the school year, when I had a word with Remus for the first time, then, at night, in the school yard. So much has changed.
He looked down and sighed. Maybe he remembered too. Or maybe he had forgotten it and was just annoyed that he was stuck with me.
"I'm preparing exams for the fifth and seventh years. I want to create an obstacle course so they can demonstrate their practical skills."
I was lucky to be in the sixth year. One year ahead or back and he would definitely tell me to leave because he wouldn't let me know the details of the test that I would have to take myself.
I walked slowly over to him and took a chair in front of his desk. He watched my every move. I raised my gaze and met his eyes for a brief second. They were so familiar. But they looked at me with an unknown coldness.
"We'll undoubtedly come up with something good... sir." I hesitated at the end. I was used to calling him by his first name but at the last moment I remembered I was no longer entitled to this privilege. I did saw his brows twitch, though. I pointed to the piles of papers, "Are these meant to be of help?"
He sighed again. Apparently the subject kept him awake at night, or so it seemed. "Here are the exam requirements, here the topics I covered this year and there... well, whatever I found in the archives from previous exams."
I looked at the last, smallest stack of papers. I noticed the exam files from two years ago was on top. A year ago, Lockhart didn't conduct any exam for us other than theoretical one. We probably wouldn't have anything to prove, thanks to his teachings.
I could see that he was tired of it. He must have spent hours and hours thinking about this exam, and he obviously hadn't come up with anything he thought was good enough. I wasn't sure what he thought of me but I wanted to be of use to something and, above all, to take some weight off his shoulders. So I pushed my other thoughts aside and turned to full work mode.
We were a pretty good team so I wasn't surprised at all when the plan of both tracks started to take shape. I took control of our work, scattering pieces of paper all over the place, taking notes, and asking a lot of questions, but Remus eventually caught up on my attitude and became just as committed as I was.
It was fun. It was as if we forgot what divided us for a moment and returned to our old selves. But nothing lasts forever and at one point Remus put his quill back in its place, then fell back into the chair.
"Dinner has already started" He pointed, stretching in his legs. "It's time to leave."
Just what I was worried about. I didn't want to leave him. I felt so good in his company. I missed it so much.
I attempted to smile but I barely managed to lift the corners of my lips. "I can stay and work on it a little longer, it doesn't matter."
"No, no." He said firmly, shaking his head disapprovingly. "You've helped me a lot, I won't keep you here any longer."
"It's nothing, really." I tried to convince him. Instead, I began to babble, "You can go if you want, sir, in the meantime I'll think about the final stage for fifth graders, I'm sure if we change the route a bit, we'll be able to shorten the time..."
"Ethelyn." He called me out. He hasn't spoken my name in over three months. He cleared his throat. "Miss Jenkins, I admire your dedication, but it isn't necessary. You did a lot, I think I can handle it from here."
It's not that I couldn't understand such a simple clue. I just didn't want. I was unable to give up any contact with Remus on my own. But I didn't want to impose myself on him, because the few hours we spent together must have been difficult for him. So I grabbed my bag and got to my feet, my gaze landing on him involuntarily.
He was standing so close. If I took a step towards him, he would be within my reach. He looked the same as six months ago when everything was fine between us, even more than well. I dreamed of going back to those times.
I swallowed my sorrow and looked him in the eyes, saying "If you ever need me... You know where to find me."
He didn't say anything. He nodded and opened the door for me as in the old days, but he didn't follow me into the Great Hall. He didn't show up until a moment later, as if he didn't want us to be noticed together. And regardless of the fact that there were a handful of students surrounding me during dinner, I still felt painfully alone.