trigger warning: violence
"Come on, you know you want to." He says and it's loud where he is already, his voice slightly muffled against the speaker as he talks.
"Maybe next year, Seb." You say, smiling. Already dressed but you'd changed your mind, letting doubts set in and make decisions for you.
"I'll come there, then. We can have pizza again." You think he's drunk, a slight slur to his words, but you still smile.
Remembering your stolen chances and almost everythings. Getting so far for them to be snatched away from you.
"Seb, go and have fun. I'll see you soon, anyway."
"But you're alone."
"I'm overdue a breakdown in the bathroom anyway, and this way no-one gets to see what I look like once I'm done. It works out. Go and have fun, Sebastian. Seb. You can tell me all about it tomorrow, deal?"
"Fine." He sighs, giving in to you. "I'll speak to you tomorrow, then." And he's disappointed, you can hear it in his voice. It doesn't squeak like it does when he's excited, it's gruff and dry.
"Bye."
"Bye."
It's nearly ten at night when there's fumbling outside. Drunken footsteps and muffled whispers as someone reaches the door.
Your stomach drops, it's not locked. Sebastian had called you as you carried in some groceries and you'd kicked it shut with your foot. Forgetting to draw the chain.
You get your phone out, thumbs frantically typing.
You
Please tell me that's you outside
Seb
It's not me
who's there?
It's enough for you to panic, getting to your feet as quietly as they would let you. Ears listening out for a voice, for the deep breaths you were used to hearing before he got mad. The shallow echoes that would ring in your ears as he got close, never touching you but the threat had always been enough.
Seb
??
u okay?
You head towards the bathroom, the tips of your toes cold even though the floor is carpet. Then it's tile, and you let yourself find the breath you'd lost in the fear of being heard. Almost gasping as you close the door behind you.
"Y/N?"
And he's loud even through walls. Used to hiding from his voice and holding in your breath again as if he'd hear it. And your lips trembling even though they're clamped between your teeth. And you concentrate on the pain of it, everything else becoming quiet and numb.
Until his words are closer. And you can't ignore them anymore. And you know it's only a matter of time until his hand reaches for the handle.
You can't control your breathing now, it quickens just like your heart. Your phone held so tightly in your hand that your knuckles are white.
You lock the door, looking at the screws and knowing they wouldn't last against the force of his foot. You put your foot against the wood, nothing else strong enough to help against his weight.
"Open the door, I know you're in there."
You don't say anything, mouth dry now as you let go of your lips. Your tongue feels big, swollen almost and you think you've forgotten how to breathe.
"I just want to talk, that's all."
The first thing that popped into your head as you panicked now was that Sebastian would be mad. He'd be so angry. He'd offered to pay for your locks to be changed and you'd told him it was sorted. That it had already been done, so you knew he could sleep at night.
It was nearly eight months since you'd ended things with Mike and it all came rushing back to you.
"Mike." You say, voice cautious. "Are you drunk?"
You already know the answer. If the wood wasn't in the way you would smell it on him. See it in the sweat on his forehead and the red in his cheeks.
"Yeah, come out so I can talk to you." And before he says it you know the next three words. They're always said and they always get you. "I miss you."
And your hand is on the lock, fingers shaking against the metal.
"We were good, weren't we." His voice is low now, soft like he sometimes could be.
"I'll come out." You say.
You regret it in an instant. As soon as you see his eyes. The red to them. The rage. As soon as you see the shine to his skin and the tiny curls of hair sticking to the sweat. You wish you'd stayed inside.
When you go to push the door closed again his foot meets the wood with such a force you stumble backwards onto the floor.
The room is blurry suddenly, your eyes stinging with tears. There's a throbbing to your nose and when you blink it hurts.
You bring a hand up the warmth that dribbles towards your lips. And it's red.
Mike just looks at you, his mouth wide and his face still. He has nothing to say. As if all of his threats finally caught up with him and he sees what they finally meant.
"Y/N?!"
It's when you hear his voice that you cry, that you could let go of everything you held in.
When he comes to a stop behind Mike his face drops and before you can focus on him he's beside you. Sebastian pulls you up to stand, slowly. One hand on your hip, guiding you straight.
Your head spins.
"Come on."
When you get to the door he stops by Mike, and you can feel his fingers digging into your skin. Holding onto you a little tighter and you're not sure if that's to reassure you or to stop himself from throwing a fist.
"Wait there."
When you're out of the apartment he cups your face to look at you, studying your nose. Nostrils flaring and his jaw locked tight before he disappears back inside without saying a word.
You can't hear anything but your breaths as you finally manage to catch them again, but they're quick and loud.
When Sebastian comes back out his face is still just as firm as his fingers fiddle with a bag of frozen peas and a towel.
"Let's get you out of here."
*
Jeff had rushed around the two of you even though the apartment was full of guests. He would have sent them all away in an instant at the sight of you, panicking as he grabbed everything you needed. Hitting at people's arms if they stood in the way.
You'd gone up to the roof, the view so familiar to you. The city's lights calm as they reflected in the water and cars drove over the bridge. The blue glow of Manhattan fades into the black of the night.
Sebastian's hand is cupped over your ear, his fingers in your hair and his eyes narrow as he studies your face. You can smell the beer in his breath and it's warm against your skin even though it clouds in the cold.
"Were you coming out?" He asks, wiping at your nose. The cloth is red, almost saturated in your blood as he washes you.
"I'd thought about it." You say, bringing your eyes to watch him now.
The way he runs his tongue along his lip as he concentrates, tickling at the sides. Brows furrowed over the blue that somehow seem lighter even though dark strands of brown frame them now, bobbing as he moves. The rest of his hair pulled back and tucked behind his ears.
You hadn't really seen each other this year, schedules never really aligning. Busy even when he was home. And he looks older and tired but you don't know if it's the alcohol or tonight's events and you wonder what he must think of you when he sees you. If he sees a change in you, too.
"What?" He asks, meeting your eyes for a second before placing gentle dabs at your skin as he tries to rid of any hints of the evening.
"Nothing."
"Hmm, yeah. Nothing. Sure." Sebastian scoffs a laugh, dipping the cloth into the bowl and twisting out the water that looks pink in the light. "What goes on in that head of yours?"
"Everything. And nothing at all."
"At the same time?" He asks, lips curling but his cheeks still look hollow. His eyebrows are neater too, missing the strays you loved.
"Yeah."
"I don't know what that means." He drags his hand across your face, fingers catching the tresses of hair and pulling them towards your ear. Away from the blood and tear-stained skin. He stops at your helix, palm warm as your eyes lock again.
And it's quiet between you as you forget to speak, mouth open slightly as you mean to say something but the words dry up in your mouth. Your tongue feels like it swells as your mind gets lost in his eyes. Your stare not even broken by your blinks as his fingers tighten against your hair, curling at the back of your head.
"I missed you." You say, and it's a whisper. A tiny breath as you speak.
"Which category does that fall under?" Sebastian pats at your nose, but he's not really there either. Deep in your gaze as he brings his tongue to his lip again, pulling it into his mouth before his teeth chew at it.
"Everything."
And he tucks the cloth into his palm and lets his hand rest on your cheek, thumb brushing at the last dried flakes of blood. Your stomach hurts as his eyes fall to your lips and he licks at his own. Then you meet the blue again, but they're almost lost in the black which grows as he blinks.
"I think I got it all." He says from a shaking smile and he lets go of you, his hand tucking his own hair behind his ears now as he sits next to you.
"Thank you."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there." Sebastian sighs and you see his jaw clench as he pulls out a box of cigarettes from his pocket. "Another year and nobody will have us."
"You've had more luck than I have." You lean into him now, arm resting on his leg and head on his chest.
Once he's lit his cigarette he puts the lighter on the floor and lets his arm rest on yours, pulling you closer. Into his warmth and the smell of him. The weird mix of beer, smoke, sweat and cologne that would only ever remind you of New Year. The one that always takes you back to the moments you spend alone.
"You promised you'd get the locks changed," Sebastian reminds you after a long drag, letting the smoke billow into the black of the night, fanning it away from your face.
"You promised you'd stop smoking." You say with a smile as his chin rests on your crown now. The slight stubble tickling your scalp.
"And I did. But then I got drunk. So, if you think about it, mine isn't actually my fault. I'm under the influence."
And your lips fall straight and your stomach drops. Your heart pounds hard as if it's in your throat and you want to swallow at it so it stops.
"Are you saying this was my fault?"
You shrug away from him before getting up to stand. Your skin covered in tiny bumps now, hairs standing on your arms even though you're wearing a jacket.
"Y/N, that's not what I meant. I promise I didn't mean it like that." He rushes to his feet, dropping his cigarette into the bowl of pink. "I just meant..." Sebastian gulps before his mouth clicks open again. "I just meant, if you had changed the locks, then maybe... well, it might not have happened."
"Did you want me to take the shovel off you?" You manage before your eyes fill with tears and your stomach tightens.
"I didn't... I just don't, uh, I don't want to see you hurt."
You scoff at that, smiling as you look towards the city again, nostrils shaking as they flare.
"Then why do you keep on hurting me?"
Sebastian stretches out an arm and tries to grab your hand with his but you twist your body so he can't, shaking your head at him. His face and shoulders drop just like his mouth and he watches you from hurt eyes.
"Y/N..."
"I can't do this anymore."
"What?" He almost squeaks.
"Whatever this is, us. I think it should stop. The deal, pact, whatever."
And the city explodes into noise, louder than you ever remember it being. And you stand there. Just lost now. Not even in the blue of his eyes. In everything around you and in all the things that run through your head.
When the fireworks stop only tiny strays shooting into the air, your ears are still loud. Your heart beating as you turn to walk away. When you reach the door you wanted his hand to pull at the crease of your arm. You want him to turn you to face him and to cup your face before he brings his face down to kiss you.
He was always better at saying things with his mouth than he was with his words.
You glance behind you before the door closes but he still stands there. Frozen to the spot as you spot tiny crackles of light behind him, somewhere across the water and behind the bridge. There's blood on the collar of his shirt as he tugs at his sleeves that he'd rolled up his arms.
But he doesn't follow you.
And you're alone again.
Because no one will have you. Not even Sebastian. Seb.